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Kindle Nation Daily Bargain Book Alert: Phil Torcivia’s WHAT A NICE GUY is Our eBook of the Day at just 99 Cents, or Currently FREE Via the Kindle Lending Library, with 4.1 Stars on 11 Reviews, and Here’s a Free Sample!

Do you know any nice guys? Perhaps you’re married to or good friends with one.

Well, consider the possibility that this nice guy is so frustrated with his relationship failures that he needs to vent to keep from turning into a bad boy with anger issues.

Then, try not to spit hot coffee as you read his sarcastic rants about why men and women don’t seem to fit.

From the reviewers:

“Phil never ceases to make me laugh with his writing.” — Faith

“Phil is, by his own admission, a little relationship dysfunctional. What I like about this book, in addition to being fun and quite witty, is that he’s honest about this.” — RJ

“I absolutely loved this book … His writings are hilarious and random.” — Karma

“Don’t be prudish; it’s f**king funny!” — MJ

Excerpt from What a Nice Guy — Snippity Doo Dah

My initial vasectomy consultation is scheduled for today and I can’t get this song out of my head:

Snippity doo dah, snippity aye,

My, oh my, what a wonderful day!

None of my sperm is going to stray.

Snippity doo dah, snippity aye.

Mister blue balls getting older,

No child support

It’s so practical.

Everything’s satisfactual!

(Everbody now …)

Snippity doo dah, snippity aye,

Rubberless feelings coming my way!

If you’re staring at this page with mouth agape, you’re either my mother or a fertile woman. Men, can I have an amen? You betcha.

Look, ladies, I turn fifty this year. I need offspring like I need square dancing lessons. If I were to have one of my little guys actually find an egg, that would make me almost seventy by the time Junior went to prom. I’d be riding my daughter down the aisle on my scooter.

Visit Amazon’s Phil Torcivia Page

Torcivia is a divorced man who transplanted himself from Pennsylvania into the treacherous dating pool in Southern California. His feline companions, Syd and Symon, share his home in San Diego and an occasional dish of leftover tuna.

Torcivia loves nothing better than bellying up to the bar with his favorite social lubrication (wine) and watching the bizarre mating rituals of the locals, which he translates into humorous essays.

He has been single long enough to be involved in a few train wrecks of his own, admitting that he’s “one relationship disaster away from a third cat.”

And here, in the comfort of your own browser, is your free sample of SUCH A NICE GUY by Phil Torcivia:


Today’s Kindle Daily Deal — Saturday, February 11 – Save 74% on Lawrence Block’s shocking suspense novel NOT COMIN’ HOME TO YOU, plus … Phil Torcivia’s WHAT A NICE GUY (Today’s Sponsor)

But first, a word from … Today’s Sponsor

What a Nice Guy

by Phil Torcivia
4.3 stars – 9 Reviews
Text-to-Speech and Lending: Enabled
Don’t have a Kindle? Get yours here.

Here’s the set-up:

Do you know any nice guys? Perhaps you’re married to or good friends with one. Well, consider the possibility that this nice guy is so frustrated with his relationship failures that he needs to vent to keep from turning into a bad boy with anger issues. Then, try not to spit hot coffee as you read his sarcastic rants about why men and women don’t seem to fit.

Excerpt from What a Nice Guy — Snippity Doo Dah

My initial vasectomy consultation is scheduled for today and I can’t get this song out of my head:

Snippity doo dah, snippity aye,
My, oh my, what a wonderful day!
None of my sperm is going to stray.
Snippity doo dah, snippity aye.

Mister blue balls getting older,
No child support
It’s so practical.
Everything’s satisfactual!

(Everbody now …)

Snippity doo dah, snippity aye,
Rubberless feelings coming my way!

If you’re staring at this page with mouth agape, you’re either my mother or a fertile woman. Men, can I have an amen? You betcha.

Look, ladies, I turn fifty this year. I need offspring like I need square dancing lessons. If I were to have one of my little guys actually find an egg, that would make me almost seventy by the time Junior went to prom. I’d be riding my daughter down the aisle on my scooter.

I’ve done the math. It costs $800, which is equivalent to twenty morning-after pills, two abortions, or a case of Silver Oak wine. I’ll sacrifice the latter for peace of mind. It is also one-hundredth the cost of a college education, one-tenth the cost of a used car (plus repairs), and half the cost of outgrown sneakers.

I know, I know. “You still need to wear condoms. What about STDs?”

That’s true (and it sucks), but it makes the whole process less stressful when breakage or slippage occurs. Actually, I think I’ve only had a rubber break once in my life. Slippage has happened numerous times. (OK, stop with the tiny penis jokes.) I’m sure we’ve all had that shocking/embarrassing moment when ole Willy leaves the party without his jacket. Then we have to go a-mining–trying to locate the jacket without pushing it in farther or causing spillage.

It’s an art, people.

When I mentioned my appointment to two female doctors I met this weekend, they both said, “Oh my god! Why would you do that?”

Judging by their reactions, you’d think I just toe-fucked a Pomeranian.

“Because I don’t want to have kids.”
“What if you end up with a woman who wants to have kids?”
“Then she can have kids.”
“So, you’d get it reversed, right?”
“Oh, hell no. I’d send her to the bank.”
“You’re awful.”
“Thank you.”

It’s a ten-minute procedure. That’s one-third of the time it takes me to run to CVS, crack open the capsule, and mix it in her OJ.

There is a twinge of anxiety around ball problems. I’m going to have to work through it (with a little help from my sponsor, Johnnie Walker). My friend has been dealing with complications from his snipping. It may have something to do with where he had the procedure done: at Señor Vaso’s in Tijuana.

“I had a reaction that makes my one ball think it’s cold.”
“Huh?”
“One of my nuts tucks itself high against my body.”
“So, you’re a bit lop-balled, are ya?”
“Yup.”
“That sucks.”
“Yeah it does.”
“How does one get that fixed? Insert a space heater?”
“No. The doc said he could snip the muscle that pulls it up or replace the ball with a silicone nut.”
“Ouchie.”
“No kidding.”

I wish I could just take a damn pill. Then again, I was with more than one woman transformed into Mrs. Hyde by the pill. I’d probably become emotional and begin watching American Idol and Glee. God forbid!

I’ll document the entire process for you as my service to humanity. Everyone must know someone with whom the song resonates. Now, to this man you can say, “You’re one snip away from a wonderful day.”

Each day’s Kindle Daily Deal is sponsored by
one paid title on Kindle Nation. We encourage you to support our sponsors and thank you for considering them.

and now … Today’s Kindle Daily Deal!

Not Comin' Home to YouKindle Daily Deal: Not Comin’ Home to You

In Lawrence Block’s shocking suspense novel, a pair of disaffected Midwestern youths meet, fall in love, and light out on a cross-country killing spree.

Yesterday’s Price: $7.69
Today’s Discount: $5.70
Kindle Daily Deal Price: $1.99 (74% off)
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