Often, it seems the most beautiful and potent experiences come after first rising up and freeing ourselves from the grips of the most terrible despair.  So begins my own endurance of this path of resurrection. Not wanting to rehash my early years in all their glory, I will just tell you that I had reached a point in my life where the thought of the utter futility and worthlessness of my existence was completely consuming my every action.  Unwilling to continue like this, I committed myself to drastic measures.

My uncertainty about the hereafter kept me from ever seriously considering suicide.  I instead satisfied my depression with mere fatalistic fantasies, lacking the will to carry them out.  I knew, however, that I had to make certain changes in my life to bring about a death to the person I had become, in order to create a more worthy individual in its place.  You see, my life was completely lacking – lacking commitment, lacking goals, lacking purpose, lacking the passion to do anything – and I was tired of walking that same path of nothingness for no reason other than not knowing what else to do with myself.  Even if I were motivated purely towards seeking pleasure, it would have been better than the complete and total inertia that overcame my life.  I wanted passion.  I couldn’t tell you what I wanted passion for, as that was exactly my problem, but I wanted a strong passion for something – for knowledge, or ice cream sundaes or the smiles of a beautiful face.  Something… Anything…  With this in mind, I decided to do something different.  I decided to begin again.

On this Monday morning, I packed one suitcase of clothes, a backpack with some odds and ends, and a flask of coffee and left my downtown San Diego, California apartment for the last time.  I loaded up my Oldsmobile and headed north on Interstate 5.  I wasn’t thinking about anything except saving myself through destroying myself.  I had to sever my identity with a life I hated, in order to find out if I had anything inherent within me that was worth living for.

While driving, I made a solemn vow never to return to the place from where I left.  I was hurtling myself at seventy miles per hour towards an uncertain future.  Although nothing awaited me, I knew it couldn’t be any worse than what I was giving up.  Even if I were to die of starvation, I would at least know I was dying with the intention of doing something great, which was better than living with no intention at all.  I felt both liberated and scared, but my fear only served to motivate me.

Philosopher, poet, musician, cook, Sreejit Poole’s writing reflects his quest for meaning in an ever changing world. Living in the ashrams of revered saint Mata Amritanandamayi (Amma), for the past 20 years, he has learned the power of service to humanity at the feet of one of the world’s great humanitarians. In his most recent work, Of Mind Or Matter, Sreejit takes us on the journey of humility through the knowledge that we all have a purpose greater than ourselves.

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