“I thoroughly enjoyed reading this…very compelling, imaginative…the magic
was mind-blowing…”
The Aznadac Heir (The Glourmain Chronicles)
by Christopher Holloway
Agrenisis, is an ancient powerful witch of Glourmain, who in her youth released a darkness unto the world — now she must stop this darkness to save her world. A darkness that gave her power. To do this she must work with talented teenagers from our world — Maxwell, an apprentice sorcerer; Jane, a half-vampire; Sam, a werewolf; Wendy, a witch; Paul, a telekinesist; Belle, a seer; Benjamin, an alchemist; Steven, an amateur sorcerer; and her former master’s daughter, Agriel, who were all cursed with uncontrollable abilities by this darkness.
Praise for The Aznadac Heir:
Excellent
“Really fascinating and captivating. The flow was simply built from a world of interesting imagination….”
I really enjoyed this book
(Book I, Glourmain Chronicles)
by Christopher Holloway
Prologue
Glourmain — 400 years ago
Agrenisis walked briskly through the darkening hall of Oraidneous, the Wailden Council Headquarters. She kept to the shadows to avoid being seen. Portraits of fallen Wizards hung high, along the gloomy wall. She did not stop until she reached the door to her Master’s office. Her protector, a black monkey sitting on her shoulder, pointed down the hallway. There, she saw a red-haired lady with a white eagle protector that hovered above her head, step inside another door. The monkey whispered into her ear. Her face darkened. She entered her Master’s office.
The portraits of the nine Lords of Flames stared at Agrenisis from behind her Master’s desk. The solemn features of her late mother, Wailden, Lord of the Black Flame of Power, contrasting sharply with the smiling face of her Master, Aznadac, Lord of the White Flame of Love beside it.
Agrenisis walked up to where Aznadac was, dozing in his chair, before the hearth. The fire flared up. In the newly risen white flame appeared a sudden image of her mother, as a young lady, holding hands with a teenage looking Aznadac. “It appears Dove Egreneth is still better than you,” the old wizard murmured without opening his eyes. “I am more skilled, but I admit that Dove is a more experienced Awizal, my lord,” she argued. “Silence!” Aznadac coughed, opening his golden eyes. “If truly you are Wailden’s heir, and want to be my successor as Head of the Wailden Council, it should be neither about skill nor experience, but about power. You have failed!” “Lord Aznadac, surely, you must know that I am Wailden’s heir,” Agrenisis pleaded, showing him her wand. It was a black wand that had the ornate shield of a crown of flames. “I know you have the famous Wailden’s wand, but you are yet to prove yourself. To do so, use it to undertake an impossible quest, successfully.” He smiled, and closed his eyes.
***
Agrenisis stood before the Temple of Virtues. She was pondering. She had to prove herself. But, was she right to attempt this alone? What would happen, if she failed? There was not one of the other eleven Awizals, Lord Aznadac’s elite students, whom she could trust. They were all too timid and would want to wait for Lord Aznadac’s directives. They were not leadership material anyway and this required a leader’s decisiveness. She was. That’s why she was the Wailden’s heir. If only, she could avenge her mother’s death and thereby fulfil one of the great prophesies by sending Liydeth, the goddess of fear, with her armies of man-like dragons called Doomrors, back to the underworld. Then, no one would doubt her power, and Lord Aznadac would have to step down for her. She looked into the crystal sphere in her hand. It was as she suspected; Lord Aznadac was in Earethdom with Agriel, his adopted daughter. It was a full court. A jousting tournament was about to begin. There were many kings, and notable knights. Aznadac stood beside the throne, and addressed the court. “With great joy in my heart, and gratitude to the kings, who have come to witness the unflinching courage of their knights, I welcome you to the Sixteenth Peace Tournament…”
Agrenisis entered the Temple and pointed her wand at the engraved wooden door to the Hall of Virtues “Open!” she commanded. The door eerily slid open and she stepped through it. Blue magical light lit the surroundings. A serene music started. She crossed the hall, walking quickly, her monkey headed staff in her left hand. She reached the other side and entered a larger hall.
A green light lit this hall. Music started; although there was something quite distasteful in the sound, it made Agrenisis’ heart beat faster. The hall looked dilapidated. Climbing plants rose up the wall. There was a long-dead fountain, an imposing stone dragon with outspread wings and an open mouth cast in an agonized hideous face in the middle of it.
She opened a towering gold door. The room was lit with red light. There was music here too: music of a terrible kind. It sounded like the clashing of swords mixed with war cries. The room was filled up… There were thousands of ugly witches, wizards, sorcerers, orcs, vampires and Doomrors, man-like dragons. Some were standing and some were sitting, some lying down, and others hovering, but none moved. The most interesting of them was a woman, richly dressed in gold trimmed red robes. She wore a crown and a look of such coldness and pride that took Agrenisis’ breath away.
Agrenisis looked at the ugly figures and wondered which one of them was Liydeth. She walked to the middle of the room. There were twelve magnificent stone animal statues inside. A white stone tablet hung from a lion’s gaping mouth. It resembled a book. Agrenisis smiled, “The Stone of Virtues,” she murmured. There was something written on the pillar beside the lion. It was written in an ancient language that she understood. “Only one of the twelve Lords of Flame can banish Liydeth and her army from this temple. Only Wailden, the Lord of the Black Flame of Power, can send Liydeth back to the underworld, but she is lost in the Mist of Velden. She cannot come to us in our need, to save our beloved temple. However, it has been prophesied that Wailden shall yet come to us through her heir who shall lead her own. And by her wand Liydeth shall fall.”
She smiled and clicked her wand into a gap in a pillar. The stone tablet closed like a book. Then the music climaxed with a thunderous crash. Agrenisis staggered, supported herself on the black monkey headed staff she carried. She heard the soft noise; one of the figures moved.
“Degresis mensora reunimus resisneu Liydeth!” Agrenisis said in a throaty voice. What she called stood before her. It was the queen, majestic and alive. Her beauty was impossible. The golden light seemed to be a part of her hair that flowed over her shoulders in silky waves, onto her blood-soaked robes.
“You are rash to seek me out. Are you weary of life so soon Agrenisis?” Liydeth asked in a wooden voice.
“You killed my mother!” Agrenisis shouted at her, her eyes flashing angrily.
“Death is-” Liydeth interrupted but suddenly paused, a smile resting on her lips. “Power! There are many who don’t understand its true nature.”
“Doomror, by her wand, I shall destroy you.” Agrenisis vowed.
Liydeth laughed gaily like a child promised a particular treat. “Which wand, the one trapped in the pillar? Are you so desperate to kill me, you could not wait for the others, could not trust your Lord Aznadac to accompany you? I know your ambition, your grief, and your power. Now in this place I offer this gift to you. I will give you power of a kind the Lords of Flame can only dream of.”
She could barely see Liydeth through the haze that now shrouded her. Liydeth pressed her hand against Agrenisis’ forehead. The pain was unspeakable, searing through the skin, into the blood beyond the bone. And sliding through it was a terrible power. Liydeth smiled. “It is I who take you. For you, my Will is Law. You are now a Doomror. Your power shall be mixed with mine, and we shall rule this world.”
There was now a storm in Agrenisis’ black eyes, glittering and snapping with fire. It was grief that flashed in her eyes. With all her rage, Agrenisis struck Liydeth’s heart with her staff. The pain that ripped through her heart resounded with a terrible ripple. Liydeth flew back into the air shrieking with rage. “You would dare.” Her voice gurgled with outrage.
“Liydeth, you are broken!” Agrenisis fired back, her mocking laughter reverberating around the hall.
Suddenly, Liydeth’s wound magically healed, and Agrenisis perceived her power. Such power that Agrenisis had never encountered. Liydeth did not lie. She was more powerful than the Lords of Flame.
“Now I take you Agrenisis for you are mine.” Liydeth sneered triumphantly. Agrenisis struggled against this unknown power that was now part of her. Some part of her struggled for survival, the other could not. The agonizing pain and the unrelenting power dragged her deeper into the darkness. She looked into her crystal sphere. Aznadac was still there in Earethdom. At the feast, or was it a battle? The kings and knights were now killing one another. Aznadac looked confounded. Such was the effect of Liydeth’s power. Agrenisis’ staff dropped out of her trembling hands.
“Help! Please help!” Agrenisis cried into the crystal. In a flash, a white flaming lion emerged from the statue and bounded towards Liydeth. It stretched out in midair and turned into Aznadac.
“Aznadac, you are too late.” Liydeth laughed harshly.
Agrenisis watched helplessly as Liydeth picked up her monkey-headed staff from the ground and swung it at the Stone of Virtues.
“No!” Aznadac cried, staggering backwards.
“Did you really think you could imprison me forever?”
Aznadac looked down at the shattered pieces of the Stone of Virtues.
Liydeth laughed. “For each piece there shall be a protecting Doomror. Never again shall the Stone of Virtues be whole.”
In an instant, the frozen army of Liydeth came alive. “The White Flame of Love’s rule has ended.” She shrieked.
“Hope!” Aznadac cried. The hall shook. The white flame of Aznadac went out leaving him without a wand. Simultaneously, Agrenisis consciousness was no longer of the hall. She quivered with the Light and heat that now suffused her. It blinded her mind, stunned her with awe. She was conscious of standing in a large tournament field, castles on all sides. It was real; she was there. She felt the blades of grass brush against her legs, and icy wind on her face. Battle surrounded her, or the tail end of battle. Armoured men on armoured horses, shiny steel, stained with blood now, slashed and stabbed one another wielding axes and broadswords. Some men fought afoot, their horses down, and barded horses galloped through the fight on empty saddles. The air mage, Agriel, who was Aznadac’s adopted daughter, floated above them all, her white cloak billowing in the wind. Aznadac’s ring of power, glowed like a star on a finger of her left hand, and his white flaming wand clutched in her right hand.
And with blinding suddenness the bright red light of the hall was about her again. She flinched. Shutting her eyes, she fell to her knees even as Liydeth’s mocking laughter boomed in her ears.
“So you sacrifice yourself for some ill-conceived scheme to thwart me,” She sneered at Aznadac, “I know you sent your ring of power, and wand to Earethdom. I shall not kill you yet, but shall imprison your soul as you once imprisoned me. I shall keep you alive, long enough for you to know that you have sacrificed yourself in vain.”
Agrenisis walked up to the Lord of White Flame Of Love but winced under his gaze. “Go and make the Circle of Nine that is One. Only then shall you have any hope of defeating Liydeth,” Aznadac warned.
Chapter One
Mist Valley – The Present Day
Agriel was dead. She knew because she was floating away and was seeing her body lying on the ground, with a spear sticking right through her chest. She trembled. A brilliant white flaming Lion floated above her like an enormous cloud, blocking her ascent. It studied her curiously. It’s lips twitched in a smile.
The majestic Lion raised its head, and spoke in a man’s voice.
“I am Aznadac the Lord of the White Flame Of Love! Do you wish to go back?” With tears in her eyes, Agriel looked down at her parents and sibling’s bodies.
“I don’t want everything to end without having done something.” She stammered.
“Understandable. I will lend you my power.”
She fell, plunging into the welcoming warmth of her body.
“Agriel… Agriel… Agriel…” Voices whispered around her; simultaneously sounding close and incalculably distant.
Agriel, the air mage, woke up from her nightmare, feeling several lifetimes old. Mrs. Richardson, Agriel’s foster mother, stood beside her bed studying her, as Gabriella, her teenage friend, helped her sit up. Gabriella was a demon hunter.
“Woken up, have you?” Mrs. Richardson said. Her voice was unexpectedly sharp. And cold. “Good. Then perhaps you would be able to join us at the cocktail party.”
Agriel shrugged, and said nothing.
“Gabriella, you have five minutes to get her ready.” Mrs. Richardson snapped, and left the room.
Gabriella was the bodyguard assigned to Agriel by the Richardsons. The Richardsons, Agriel’s foster parents, were the leaders of the Oregeoun Wolves, the ruling cult of the magical community of Mist Valley, California. The Demon hunter Gabriella was assigned to protect her from the Vampires and other cults, opposed to the Leadership of the Oregeoun Wolves in Mist Valley. However, Agriel knew that Gabriella was there to spy on her, because the Oregeoun Wolves were suspicious of the activities of an alien being like herself. However, Gabriella had agreed to sneak with her out of the 10th “Anniversary Celebrations” of the Wolf Revolution and take her to see a fortune teller at the Cursed.
“So what’s the plan?” Agriel inquired.
Gabriella returned a comb to the dressing table. “We’ll spend some minutes at the party then we’ll leave un-noticed and drive straight to the CURSED, quickly see Ijeuma and hurry back.” She puckered her lips like she was sucking a sweet. “Then we’ll step out to see the array of fireworks…I heard they would be quite spectacular this year…”
“Gabriella?”
“Oh! Then we’ll step back in with the others after the fireworks display.”
“I think it would work.” Agriel gave Gabriella a mysterious smile. As she shut her room door.
“It certainly would,” Gabriella whispered. “You will also get to meet some guys at the Cursed.”
Agriel giggled.
Agriel found the cocktail party boring. The room was filled up with fashionably dressed ladies, and distinguished looking gentlemen. She moved among them smiling sweetly and answering curtly when spoken to.
“And what do you like most about our community?” An elderly man asked, smiling at her.
“The cute guys,” Agriel answered, smiling sweetly.
Gabriella tittered. “You must be careful. I believe you have just made an enemy.”
Agriel shrugged.
“That was Lord Rudin, head of the White Wolves. He presently manages Aexel Company for your dad.” Gabriella whispered as they walked out of the door.
“I wonder why Professor Richardson does not manage the perfume company by himself?” Agriel murmured, looking at the Aexel Company’s two storeyed cylinder-like buildings, across the fence.”
Five minutes later, Agriel and Gabriella walked away carefully avoiding attention towards the north gate. Agriel noticed a colourful rocket that stood at least five feet high among the array of fireworks on the field.
“Wow! Is it real?” Agriel inquired.
“The rocket is for the grand finale!” Gabriella laughed.
Squinting Agriel noticed that the guards at the gate were more concerned about who entered, than who stepped out of the grounds.
Gabriella whispered into the ears of one of the guards, he let them out through the side gate, grinning from ear to ear.
“What did you tell him?” Agriel asked, entering Gabrielle’s car. It was a red 2010 Honda Accord.
“Something he wanted to hear.” Gabriella grinned mischievously. She started the car.
Agriel laughed. “So where is the Cursed?”
“We would get there in about five minutes.”
Agriel looked through the window, as the car cruised out of the Richardsons’estate. There was a Halloween fair at a square a couple of blocks from her house. The road was congested, and they had to move more slowly than the pedestrians who were all wearing Halloween costumes.
“The Mayor was smart to have the fair near your house, since the whole town would want to see the fireworks display later on.” Gabriella observed.
“So what is the big deal with the fireworks?” Agriel wanted to know.
They turned into another street. Most of the houses seemed very different from the ones in the Richardson’s street: much smaller, meaner, more closely built together.
“When the Oregeoun Wolves overthrew the Dragon Guardians ten years ago, a red flare in the sky was the sign that was used to signify that they had control of the town. So every year, they used the fireworks to mark the coup, which they refer to as the Wolf Revolution.”
“And today is the tenth anniversary?”
“Yup.” Gabriella replied. She pulled the Honda into a parking lot behind a two storey building with an electric light flashing CURSED. Graffiti splashed the walls, and cigarette butts dotted the ground.
Agriel noticed that all the teenagers hanging around the building were not in Halloween costumes. Also, they had stopped whatever they were doing and were staring at her, as they walked to the club’s entrance.
“Why are they staring at me?” Agriel murmured.
“Oh!” Gabriella grinned. “There is a curse at the entrance that allows only magically talented teenagers like us to go inside.”
“What exactly does the curse do?”
“It turns teenagers without magical ability, and non-teenagers to frogs. That way, our parents cannot enter. I have already used my Demon hunter’s senses to recognize that you have some magical talent. So I thought it an irrelevant detail.” Gabriella said looking at Agriel enquiringly.
“Yes, I have some abilities.” Agriel smiled. However, Agriel thought ruefully, the question she should be asking is if I am a teenager? The air mage knew that her soul was bound to the ring she wore. The ring that was formed by Aznadac’s last spell “Hope!” It contains some of Aznadac’s powers. The rest was in the Aznadac’s wand. She had not aged a single day since the stone of virtues was broken into twelve pieces. Each protected by one of Liydeth’s Doomrors.
“So why are your friends not in Halloween costumes?” Agriel inquired, trying to calm her nerves as she went up the steps.
“It is because we are the real deal.” A blond-haired girl, who was now blocking the entrance, smiled, exposing her fangs.
“Jane is a half-vampire. She is contesting to be the next Cursed’s secretary. And she has been dying to meet you.” Gabriella hissed. “And yes Jane, this is Agriel, the Richardson’s foster daughter. Now step away from the entrance.”
Agriel murmured a spell to detect the magic. A foggy mist settled around the entrance. But the image the air mage saw was strange, as if two different pictures were placed one over the other, forming an untangled web of multicoloured radiations surrounded by a pattern of blue energy.
Agriel trembled in front of the doorway; the Aznadac’s ring on her finger glowed softly. She could feel his presence.
Use the power I gave to you.
She felt the wave of power surge through her, filling her with overwhelming joy. It made her confident. And her mind suddenly filled with knowledge she did not know she had. She now understood the significance of every one of the four radiation threads in the web and of the blue flame. The threads represented the four basic temperaments of mankind, the red radiation representing the fiery melancholic temperament of youth. That was the key, it and the blue energy signature of Ereathdian magic.
Agriel repressed her white energy signature of Glourmain magic, simulating it into the weaker blue Ereathdian signature. Using the Aznadac’s power now pulsating through her, she fashioned a red cloak around her body from the recessed melancholic radiation within her aura.
Then she crossed the threshold.
“Who fashioned the spell?” Agriel smiled beaming.
“Wendy, the witch,” Jane hissed. “For a moment there, I thought you were afraid?”
“No. I am just not used to subjecting myself to other people spells.”
“Yeah, I totally understand…” Jane said, leading them towards the stairs.
“She is here to see Ijeuma. When she is done we would come and have some drinks with you upstairs.”
“The Fortune teller?” Jane scowled. “No offence, but that is not on my to-do list. See you at the bar.” Jane said, and climbed the stairs.
Ijeuma told fortunes at the back room. The room was empty. Ijeuma herself, a pretty Afro American girl of about sixteen years old, sat in front of her table engrossed with her blackberry.
“Gabriella,” She said happily, setting the phone aside. “You have brought a friend.”
“Yes,” Gabriella hissed. “She wants you to read her fortune.
“I am sorry for the sudden imposition.” Agriel said, sitting down opposite Ijeuma.
“Not at all, it is my pleasure to help. So what can I do for you?”
“A general reading on what the future holds for me.”
“I hope Gabriella has informed you of the cost? It is twenty dollars per card, fifty dollars for the average reading of three cards. However, if you want more, I would give you at a discount of ten dollars for every additional card.” Ijeuma explained.
“The general reading would do, thank you.” Agriel smiled.
“The cards tell the future, if something is to be, the cards will always tell you, you can be guaranteed.” Ijeuma said, bringing out her tarot cards.
“You sound certain.” Agriel teased.
“I am certain.”
She grew serious as she flipped the cards, her eyes carefully studying them.
The first one was Four of Swords.
“You shall achieve success. A quest you have toiled for, for some time, shall soon end. And you shall meet the one you are looking for.”
“Are you sure?” Agriel asked, excited.
Ijeuma smiled, and brought up the next card, the Six of Swords. It had a bunch of people rowing out in the moonlight. ‘‘You shall go on a journey. A quest.’’
“Would it be this year?” Agriel asked.
Gabriella laughed.
Ijeuma ignored her. “The cards would always tell your nearest foreseeable future.” Ijeuma hissed. She picked up the next card. Ten of swords: It showed a dead man, lying on the swords with a bunch of swords sticking through him.
“The cards never lie.” Gabriella teased.
Ijeuma ignored the jibe. “Death. A close shave with death. Any one of them is possible. Hopefully, a close shave.”
Agriel sat there, too stunned for words. Was she just told she would soon be dead?
“We have to go.” Gabriella said gently.
Ijeuma stretched her hand. “Please pay up.”
“Keep the change.” Agriel said, shoving a hundred dollars into her hand. She moved slowly to the door, deep in thought.
“Don’t allow Ijeuma’s readings to weigh you down.” Gabriella comforted her as they climbed the stairs. “If it is any consolation, she read the Ten of sword card for me, just last week. And said I shall act as a bridge between two worlds, ridiculous, Isn’t it? Generally, people have been complaining that anytime she reads within the past month, either the Ten of Swords or the Nine of Swords comes up. Some believe it is her witchcraft talent that might be affecting her readings. ”
“Witchcraft?”
“Her mother is a Gypsy, and her father’s some type of black American wizard. So she doubles as a fortune teller and a witch.”
“Maybe there is going to be a war, perhaps another coup.” Agriel suggested.
“Yeah! Big chance of that happening.”
At the top-floor, dim track lighting illuminated several tables, about half of which were in use. Cigar smoke enveloping the low ceiling. The serving area was in the middle of the room, a large square bar with a lift of the panel for staff to go to and fro.
Gabriella led the way to one of the empty tables. Agriel sat down, making herself comfortable on a low rickety chair. She could see Jane at the bar.
“I will get some drinks and bring Jane over.” Gabriella excused herself, and went to the bar.
Agriel sat there pondering. She had been staying in California for over three years, moving from town to town, and foster home to foster home. Ijeuma’s reading has been the most exciting development she had since she entered this Earethdom. If she actually finds the Aznadac’ heir, even if she dies afterwards… It would be worth dying for…
“I am Dave. I am an Oregeoun wolf.” A dark-haired guy smoking a cigarette roused Agriel from her reverie.
“Agriel.” She smiled.“New here?” He asked, crushing his cigarette on the table.
“Yes, my first time.”
“So what’s your talent?” He stammered.
Agriel shrugged, looked towards the bar, at Jane and Gabriella, who were talking to a tall blond guy.
“I am talking to you.” The guy snapped. Grabbing her arm with one hand, he pressed his sharp canine finger nails of the other hand against her throat. “Sweetie when Dave is trying to be nice you behave.” He whispered his breath reeking of alcohol.
Agriel couldn’t see Jane any more – she was a blur as she charged at Dave. Dave’s movement was impossibly quick too. Jumping, he swung at her face, but missed by a hair’s breath. Swift as a ghost, Jane lunged at him, pinning him to the ground.
“We should leave.” Gabriella whispered into Agriel’s ear. Just as Dave’s friends surged around the table wanting to help their friend.
They hurried out of the club.
“Get the blood sucker off me!” Agriel heard Dave’s shout as she entered the car.
“Don’t look so anxious. Jane can take care of herself.” Gabriella said, starting the car.
The drive back was faster. The Halloween fair at the square had ended. And there were no cars or pedestrians about.
“Oh shit! We are late!” Gabriella hissed, flattening her foot against the accelerator.
The grounds were full of people from the Halloween fair, and the cocktail party.
“So if Dave is an Oregeoun wolf. Why isn’t he here?” Agriel commented.
“I don’t think he wanted to spend Halloween with his dad.” Gabriella replied pushing her way through the crowd. “What’s the deal between you two anyway? Jane thought he wanted to rape you, or something.”
“Nah, he wanted to know my talent. Of course, I didn’t tell him, and then he went mad!” Agriel hissed, and shouldered her way past a man with a red cape and devil horn.
“Why didn’t you tell him?” Gabriella shouted, over the yells from the crowd as the fireworks exploded like hot pink flowers.
“I don’t like people knowing my limitations.” Agriel shouted back, appreciating the distance they had covered. They were now in the middle of the grounds, and she could see her foster parents standing on the terrace.
“That’s the most pathetic reason I have ever heard. It is not like it is a big secret; we all saw your ring glow when you entered the club. So we know your power is linked to your ring.” Gabriella hissed, “Listen we trust one another in the Cursed.”
Before Agriel could decide what to answer, the crowd roared in excitement as the grand finale rocket was shot.
Pressure exploded against Agriel’s senses, grey, red, and dark. Her eyes flew up to the blazing rocket.
“What the -” gasped Gabriella as she stared up at the dark, cloud-like Dragon, carrying the shooting rocket in its claws.
For a moment, Agriel thought it was an illusion. Then she noticed that the Dragon was tilting the shooting rocket towards the next door Aexel Chemical Company’s two storeyed factory buildings. There was an explosion.
Suddenly, the grounds around them erupted in screams, and cries of children. Chaos broke loose! Everybody tried to get away, but they all took different directions, so collisions and entanglements followed. A few of the security men tried to keep order by heading the people back towards the gate, but it didn’t do a lot of good. Everyone was out for himself, too terrified and panicky to think reasonably.
“Gabriella what-” Agriel snapped turning around to face Gabriella.
However, Gabriella was nowhere to be seen. Instead, a child in a very realistic goblin costume was screaming in pain, where Gabriella had been standing a moment earlier.
Looking around, Agriel knew there was no hope of seeing Gabriella in this crowd stampeding towards the gate. She ran into the house.
Agriel shut her room window with a sigh and switched off the lights. The confusion outside was now under control. The grounds were empty. The fire at the Aexel factory was extinguished. No one has been reported dead, but fears have been raised of possible chemical pollution from the Aexel factory. What happened? Did she see a black Glourmain dragon, which is capable of killing the strongest wizard in Earethdom, just tilt a firework’s rocket into a chemical factory? Should she report this to the Wailden Council? No. They would not believe it possible, and even if they did, would not believe it happened.
***
Agrenisis shimmered into the dark room. She wore a black gown trimmed with gold.
“You… are dead.” Agriel stammered.
“It is nice to see you too.” Agrenisis smiled.
“But you were killed by Liydeth’s deathriduns in the battle of the First Gate.”
“I faked my own death.”
“Why are you here?” Agriel hissed, her eyes blazing.
“I came here in obedience to Aznadac’s last wish: To help you protect the Aznadac’s heir.”
“Who else but you who betrayed him would claim to know his last wish?”
Agriel’s words chilled Agrenisis, but somehow she forced herself to continue calmly, while her fists tightened at her sides.
“I have chosen seven magically talented kids, who are to assist you in protecting the Aznadac’s heir. Together with the Aznadac’s heir, you shall form the Circle of Nine that is One.”
“What makes you think I will trust your servants, when I do not trust you? Your word is as much an illusion as your appearance here.”
Agrenisis’ smile faded, and a hint of anger showed around her eyes. Nevertheless, once again, she managed to hold her temper.
“I can understand how you feel, Agriel, but I am not the same Doomror that fought against the Wailden Council in the battle of the First Gate. Ever since I faked my own death, I have severed all ties to Liydeth.”
“And how can you prove that?”
“I don’t need to prove myself to you, but if you can trust yourself to work with these teenagers so that no harm befalls the Aznadac’s heir, I would be grateful.”
“And how do I know that these teenagers shall not betray the Aznadac’s heir, as you once betrayed Lord Aznadac.”
Agrenisis’ mouth tightened, the anger in her eyes growing plainer. “They shall not betray him,” she snapped.
I would know when they are about to betray him,” Agriel murmured, when Agrenisis’ image vanished. “Then, I shall stop them.”
It was morning, and she had to go to school. Agriel dressed quickly and went for breakfast.
Chapter Two
Helen stood in the centre of a circle which she drew on clear ground. The jewels on her robe gleaming in the moonlight. Six white wolves sat around her, protecting her. She observed the forest around her. With a sigh, she closed her eyes, put her hairy hands over her goblin-like face, and continued mumbling the incantation of cleansing.
The sudden silence was their only warning.
“Helen, Helen-” Cane the leader of the pack interrupted her meditation. He was speaking telepathically, and Helen understood him clearly.
“We are under attack.”
“What! Vampires? Is the rumour true?” Helen asked.
Cane sniffed. “They are not vampires. Rats!” It growled.
Two wolf-sized rats edged slowly into the clearing. Their eyes were intent on missing nothing. Their Metallic tails gleamed in the moonlight.
The wolves took a defensive position.
“Sneats,” whispered Helen.
“What?” Cane asked.
“They are Sneats. I read about them in the newspaper. They were rats mutated by the same chemical pollution that deformed me. They eat humans, especially the small, defenceless ones…”
“Children!” Cane interrupted. “Well, they seem to have developed a taste for succulent flesh.” He grinned, exposing his fangs. “Or they don’t know what wolves are yet.”
Helen laughed.
One of the Sneats disappeared, vanished into thin air.
The wolves tensed up.
“We are leaving here. These are not just enlarged rats with metallic tails,” Cane snarled.
“What are they?” Helen inquired, interrupting Cane as he communicated his thoughts with the pack.
“I suspect something much worse. You will ride on my back.”
The wolves were suddenly sniffing and snapping around the circle. Helen picked a sharp rock and held ready.
“The invisible Sneat has entered the circle.” Cane warned, “Climb my back now.”
Gingerly, Helen stepped forward. The wolf tapped a foot impatiently. “Climb now!” it snapped.
Helen climbed its back, and they were gone. She still clutched the rock. Cane disappeared into the forest shadows, two wolves on each side, and one behind him. They moved in a defensive formation.
“We are being followed,” one of the wolves communicated with the pack.
“Any sign of the invisible Sneat?” Cane inquired.
“No.”
“Don’t worry; it would never catch up with us,” Cane comforted.
“It’s fast.”
“How fast is it?”
“It is faster than a vampire.”
“Jack, James, and Henry, please get rid of the pest. Meet us at the mansion, when you are through.”
The wolves stopped and confronted the Sneat.
A moment later, howls of the wolves’ anguish filled the air. Helen looked back, and saw the Sneat turn one of its hands into a lance; stabbing one of the wolves as it lunged.
Cane increased his speed.
“Shouldn’t we turn and help them,” Helen pleaded.
“No, your life is too important Princess.” Cane snapped.
“The Sneat is after us again,” one of the wolves warned.
“That was fast,” Cane growled.
“Are they dead?” Helen demanded.
“I don’t know, but it’s upon us.” A wolf behind warned.
Cane tilted its head a fraction and nodded at the two wolves.
They wheeled round as one and faced the Sneat.
Cane did not wait to see the outcome of the fight, but further increased his speed. Helen felt herself being flung backward. She clung to the wolf’s mane. They passed a row of dense trees. She could now see her house. Helen sighed in relief.
Cane howled for assistance. A pack answered. Helen heard the breaking of some branches behind them. She looked back at the Sneat which was about fifty meters away. Then with a jump, it was in front of them barring their way. Cane stopped.
“It teleported,” she whispered to Cane.
“Get off my back, and run home.” Cane growled.
Helen jumped off, but stood rooted, holding up the sharp rock as a knife for protection. The rough edges of the rock pierced her skin. She did not feel the pain.
Cane snarled and lunged at the Sneat. The Sneat was nowhere to be seen. Where the sneat stood, there was now an enormous rock. Was it an illusion? Helen wondered. The wolf crashed its head into the rock and lost consciousness. No, it was certainly not an illusion. The rock shimmered back into a Sneat.
Her hand shook, and she dropped the sharp rock.
“Graven, is she the Custodian of the Aznadac’s wand?” the Sneat asked its unseen partner.
The sharp rock Helen had dropped shimmered into a Sneat.
“No, her blood is not that of the Custodian; it lacks that combustive power of a Mage from Glourmain.”
“And the wolves protected her, as if she were the Custodian of Aznadac’s wand,” the Sneat wondered.
Helen heard the howls of the wolves just behind her. The Sneats were not paying her attention. She shimmered into a white wolf and ran to her father’s pack. The Sneats ignored them and vanished.
“Who attacked you?” Asked Lord Rudin, Helen’s father, the alpha and head of the White Wolves.
“Sneats. They killed Cane,”
“Sneats? I thought they were enlarged rats with metallic tails?”
“Yes, but they also have magical powers. They were looking for a Mage from Glourmain—The Custodian of the Aznadac’s wand.”
“I suspected as much, these Sneats are not victims of the toxic pollution. They are products of an amalgamation spell that was cast by one of the Lords of Glourmain.”
“This Amalgamation spell is what has deformed me, isn’t it?”
“Yes. I am so sorry,”
“Is there a cure?”
“Yes, there are cures to deformity by amalgamation, but it must be taken regularly.”
Helen smiled.
“Father, where is Glourmain?”
“Glourmain is the World of magic. It is known by many other names. Some men call it the Astral realm, others the Beyond. It is essentially the Forge of Ephesus, a place where perfect, everlasting prototypes of everything we see on earth from our bodies to our most advanced mechanical appliances are first made by the Beings. There are very powerful wizards, witches, and other forms of magical beings in Glourmain. There is a barrier separating our world from Glourmain. However, on the spring equinox, and the summer solstice, the barrier is weakened and can be passed by those of us with magical abilities. I have been there once. They refer to our world as Earethdom and us as Earethdians.” Lord Rudin explained. “I would inform the Oregeoun wolves about the Sneats, first thing in the morning.”
“Father, the Sneats have been attacking gifted teenagers from all magically oriented sects in the Mist Valley —teenagers that were deformed by the same amalgamation spell that created these Sneats. If you organized a meeting, and informed all sects that the Sneats are searching for this Custodian, it would give us the much-needed recognition. After all, it is a known fact that we are superior to the grey Oregeoun wolves.”
“And cross the grey Oregeoun wolves? Do not talk like a fool, I expect more from you.” Lord Rudin hissed. “The grey Oregeoun wolves have been able to rule our magical community in the Mist Valley for over a decade, not because they are the strongest sect, nor because they are royalty like either us or the Dragon Guardians; it’s because they have spies everywhere and control the information channels. If the Glourmain Sorcerer who made the Sneats knew this, he would not have bothered with the amalgamation spell. All he really needed to do was to reach some kind of a deal with the grey Oregeoun wolves. Of course, they would have immediately informed him, as they informed me two weeks ago, that there is a young mage from Glourmain staying in the Mist Valley. The grey wolves have been watching her closely. I believe her name is Agriel.”
***
Agriel walked out of the school gate onto the busy street. It was two weeks since the Aexel explosion. And she still had not seen, or heard a word from Gabriella. A girl walked up to her from behind. For a moment, they stood quite still. Agriel looked up at the sky. Dark clouds blocked out the invisible sun.
“It will soon rain,” she murmured.
Her companion smiled, a quick, friendly smile, and raked a hand through her short dark hair.
“Yes it looks like it, but I have a queer feeling about this. The clouds are not moving, and it’s been like this since I woke up this morning.”
“Who are you?” Agriel inquired.
“My name is Wendy. Agrenisis sent me.”
Agriel studied her companion. She was a girl about fourteen years old, black hair, brown eyes, but it was the silver pentacle pendant that she wore, which attracted the most attention, held around her neck by three strands of woven gold on either side, the pendant positively radiated in all directions.
“Let’s walk to a quieter place,” Agriel hastily replied. They walked up the wide street thronged with people and lined with open shops. A truck passed, and parked in front of them. They turned into an empty street.
“Well, now you have my attention,” Agriel informed Wendy, as they walked.
“You must come with me, if you want to see the Aznadac’s heir,” Wendy declared.
“Come with you?” Agriel lets out a short laugh. “You should not trust all that Agrenisis says.”
“My mother is a High Priestess of Mystic, the goddess of magic, and has taught me not to trust all beings I see in my crystal. Even so, Agrenisis was right.”
“Right about what?”
“There are rumours that the mutated rats known as Sneats are on the rampage and bent on eradicating all magically talented teenagers from Mist valley,” Wendy answered.
“Sneats,” Agriel interrupted. “I saw a picture of them in the paper. Ratmen with brown furry bodies, metallic limbs, and burning tails or something like that. Poor ratties, they survived the Aexel pollution only to be deformed forever.
Wendy frowned. “Did you read the paper?”
“No. I just looked at the picture, while my foster parents discussed it.”
“If you had read the article, you would have known that those poor ratties did not just mutate but evolved into Orc like monsters with powers, and have an unusual appetite for children with magical abilities,” Wendy retorted, irritation lacing her voice.
“You mean they eat us?” Agriel asked incredulously.
“Yes they do,” Wendy snapped. “The story circulating among witches is that the Sneats are not accidental victims of the Aexel toxic pollution. They are successful products of an amalgamation spell by a powerful, unknown cult. That’s trying to wipe all the teenagers with magical abilities in town.”
They turned into another street.
“But how do these Sneats detect children with magical abilities.”
“The paper said the Sneats kill defenceless children. However, all the children they have killed so far are teenagers with magical abilities, who had been deformed by the amalgamation spell that created the Sneats. The amalgamation spell deformed us, turned us into freaks.”
Agriel angled her head to the side.
“But you don’t look deformed,” Agriel said surprise etched on her forehead.
Wendy smiled easily. “You should see when I am excited. My black hair and eyes turn into some sort of magical orange flames. And you know the irony of it all? Instead of setting the place on fire, I seem to have a self-healing ability just like the Sneats.”
Agriel shook her head slightly. “I heard it was the vampires targeting you people. They have their own sorcerer now, who can make the sky dark in the afternoon.”
“Old news. At first, people believed that the vampires were responsible. Opposing the leadership of the Oregeoun wolves is after all what they do. However, after last night’s failed attempt to assassinate the daughter of the white wolves leader, the girl has confirmed that the Sneats were responsible for the attack,” Wendy explained.
Agriel walked on with Wendy, letting her mind clear. There was a drumming in her chest, an anticipation that had been building over the past weeks. This, she thought, was the next step to reach the Aznadac’s heir. And whatever it was, whatever would happen next. She would face it boldly.
“So what’s your own ability?” Wendy asked.
“You mean deformity?” Agriel smiled.
“I have not noticed…” Agriel stopped suddenly. “We are not alone,” she whispered cutting off whatever Wendy was about saying.
“Vampires,” Wendy growled, and then she started her incantation. A fire ball glowed in her hand in readiness. Agriel looked at Wendy and smiled.
“You waste no time,” Agriel teased. Wendy smiled. They stood still for a moment.
“Cravens always hide!” Wendy thundered.
Two vampires glided towards them.
“Joseph and Tom!” Wendy spat.
“Are you calling me a coward Wendy,” the black-haired vampire Tom smiled.
“It’s no secret that you are chickenhearted,” Wendy spat.
Agriel nudged Wendy sharply. “They are vampires,” she whimpered.
“Wolves’ daughters should not walk into lonely streets. Surely the head werewolf should have taught his daughter more sense,” Tom mocked.
“Fool, she’s just a foster daughter!” Wendy hissed.
“Joseph,” replied Tom, pointing at the vampire with red hair, “is my adopted son. And we are hungry.”
Agriel disappeared and appeared a block away.
“She teleported,” Wendy stuttered. Both vampires turned to look at the confused Agriel, who was standing a block away from them. Wendy used the distraction to send the fireball at Tom. He screamed. The vampire with red hair walked up to Wendy.
“No Joseph, get the other girl. I will finish this. It’s now personal.” He hissed. And his burns were already healing.
Wendy watched helplessly as Joseph started towards Agriel. Her plan failed; she knew a spell that could roast the vampires where they stood. Wendy forgot the stupid spell. And now the infuriated vampire was walking towards her. She closed her eyes to clear her mind and think of the spell. Adrenaline pumped into her blood. The spell would never come on time. She clutched her pentacle in frustration. The sharp edges pierced her hand. Yes! That was it. It was silver; she would seal it into the vampire with a binding spell. She started mumbling the incantation and opened her eyes.
Tom had stopped a foot away from her, uncertain of his movement. She understood. Her hair was now a crown of flames – her eyes glowed with fury. She used his confusion to her advantage. In one movement, she sealed the silver pendant into his chest with a binding spell.
He gave her a kick; she soared five feet from the ground and crashed against the street pole. Her ribs hurt.
Tom was now trying to pry off the silver from his chest. He screamed for help. Then he became a pile of ash.
Wendy put her hand on her ribs. She wouldn’t be able to help Agriel. Her ribs were broken. She turned her head and looked at Agriel as Joseph, who had been startled by Tom’s cry, bit into Agriel’s neck. Then he became a pile of ash. Agriel lay across the floor unconscious.
***
Lord Maxwell, one of the last two sorcerers of the Dragon Guardians, awoke from his light slumber to the sound of a shutting door—a thunderous sound that reminded him of his everlasting pain. Maxwell lifted his right metal hand up in front of his face, examining the Dragon-ring. The ring reminded him of his ill health. How long had it been since he took the test? How much time had passed since the Hedin Sorcerers of the Hedin Tower of High Sorcery, in Glourmain, had started his initiation ritual into sorcery, an initiation that was never completed. Twelve years! His father had died, and was not able to take him back to Glourmain to complete the initiation.
Since then he had been struggling with the side effects of the uncompleted initiation. He slipped the Dragon-ring from his metal finger and admired the ring’s wondrous detail. The Dragon-ring, as with most of the Dragon Guardians’ weapons, was forged by the Hedin Sorcerers of Glourmain and then traded to the Dragon Guardians. The Hedin Sorcerers’ workmanship was exquisite, but it was the genie which the Guardians’ sorcerers bound to the ring after they had acquired it, that made the ring truly remarkable.
Maxwell brought the ring before his eyes. In his hand, the ring was more than a weapon. It was his last link to the Guardians that were killed during the Wolf Revolution. Now, his brother and him were all that remained of the once proud Guardians, who had ruled the magical community of the Mist Valley for over two centuries. And now, after the gods of Glourmain had abandoned them for over a decade, the Awizal, Agrenisis, approached them yesterday. She informed them that Steven, his brother, was the Aznadac’s heir, and that she would send seven teenage Amalgaknights to protect Steven. She said one of the Amalgaknights would be a mage from Glourmain that would guide them to Glourmain. The seven Amalgaknights and the two of them were to form a Circle of Nine that is One. The Circle, according to her, that would alter the destinies of Glourmain, the world of godlike magic and Earethdom, the world of men.
Maxwell wore the ring in the middle finger of his natural left hand and picked his brother’s note from the table, and read: I must avenge our parents. I pray you forgive me for not telling you. I go only for the sake of our parents’ honour. If I do not come back, you should remember that I love you.
Maxwell got up and paced around the sitting room. Steven’s new-found ability, or as the Awizal put it – deformity, to move at supersonic speeds has got into Steven’s head. Now he thinks he can attack the werewolves?
There was a knock on the door. Maxwell opened the door. There, stood a girl in a black dress. Her dress was torn, and her hair was scattered, like she was just involved in a fight. She wore a silver pentacle pedant around her neck, and in her arms she carried an unconscious brown-haired girl wearing a white dress. She staggered into the house. “Agrenisis ….” She whispered, and then collapsed on the floor.
***
Belle was standing before her sister’s coffin. She was slim and tall with blond hair that tumbled down her back. She was mourning, and her count
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Harold and Maude…”A grandmother with a deep sense of injustice goes on a Robin-Hood style crime spree with her ‘tween grandson in thispoignant and satirical novel that’s part crime thriller, part black comedy and part family drama.
Deep in the heart of California’s dysfunctional, strip-mall suburbs, the city of Santa Ramona, California is besieged by a pair of unlikely bandits.
Johnny Valentine is a lonely boy who dreams of becoming a hero, just like the masked avengers from the pages of his comic books. His feisty grandmother Stella is a retired supermarket clerk and cancer survivor with a fierce sense of justice. Running out of time, money and options, the old lady is driven by the need to make one last great contribution.
Together the boy and his grandma devise a Robin-Hood style scheme to rob a ruthless retail conglomerate, stealing cash and medicine for the sick and needy. As their crime spree continues, the citizens of Santa Ramona wonder how to judge the crazy young boy and his fugitive grandma.
Are Johnny and Stella Valentine a menace to society? Or are they the only ones trying to save it?
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Breath of fresh air
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“…Stella is a fascinating character….There is an old fashioned moral code within Stella’s heart that goes beyond fear, beyond hatred, and every now and then, it makes a ferocious appearance…”
an excerpt from
The Fugitive Grandma
by Dmitri Ragano
Chapter 1: Highway Robbery
The boy and his grandma had done it again.
Another round of robberies in the wee hours between midnight and dawn. Three separate trucks from the fleet of Great American Superstore. All making their weekly supply runs to pharmacies.
Detective Rebecca Little was assigned to the strange case of Stella and Johnny Valentine. The fugitive grandma and her eleven-year-old grandson were on a roll, with a string of successful heists that embarrassed local police as well as the company’s largest retail empire.
“You understand this thing?” one of the responding officers asked as Detective Little walked by wrecked police cars at the scene of the latest crime. “What makes a boy and his grandma go wacko like this?”
It’s not that hard to believe, the detective thought. Plenty of people out there are one bad break away from going wacko.
“None of you were hurt?” the detective asked the officer, who’d been involved in the failed police chase.
“We’re all fine,” he said, and then explained how the grandmother had leaned out the passenger side of the stolen truck with a shotgun and taken out a tire of the front patrol car.
Detective Little walked farther up the freeway ramp, stepping through broken glass and mangled metal. She met the truck driver who’d been the victim of the ambush, a pudgy young man with a mane of messy hair tucked into a baseball cap.
“I ain’t paid to be a hero,” the driver explained. He was eating a chocolate chip cookie out of a ziplock bag. “Someone puts a shotgun in my face, I hand over the keys. Don’t matter if it’s an old lady. At least she gave me some cookies.”
Detective Little jotted notes on a reporter’s pad. “Tell me about the cargo. You were carrying pharmaceuticals, right?”
“Pills, drugs, all kinds of medicine. You name it. Diabetes kits, beta blockers, antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, inhalers, painkillers. Hundred grand worth of merchandise, easy.”
“What about Helixin? Was there any Helixin in the cargo?”
The driver seemed puzzled. “That don’t sound familiar. Then again, there ain’t no way I can check every product on there. What is it, anyway?”
Rebecca ignored the driver’s question and made a note. Great American started out as a bargain grocer, but the megachain was now pushing hard to become the largest one-stop-shop for medicine in the country, able to fill any prescription, even exotic cancer therapies.
Rebecca figured that Great American must only send Helixin out on special request from the pharmacist, so it wouldn’t go into the routine weekly shipments. Helixin was a new type of biotech drug, recently approved and incredibly expensive. LifeGen, the pharmaceutical company that manufactured the medicine, had exclusive rights to the patent. The charge for each monthly injection was as much as the cost of a compact car.
Most insurers claimed there was no proof that Helixin was more effective than cheaper generic medicines, which gave them a reason to deny coverage.
The pudgy driver handed a crumpled manifest to Rebecca that confirmed the shipment contained no Helixin. The detective knew that meant Stella and Johnny would strike again. They would keep going until she got her stash of the miracle cure.
Rebecca waited until the driver finished the last cookie in the bag and then started in again, questioning the man impatiently.
“Is there anything else you saw? Did she say anything to you?”
The driver licked his lips and smiled.
“Before the truck pulled away, she called me over to the passenger side. She said: ‘Kid, someday you’ll understand why I am doing this. Someday you’ll be in a situation where the things that you depend on aren’t there anymore. And then you’ll have to fight.’ Then she handed me this bag of cookies. Like a consolation prize or something. And the truck was gone. That’s it. Don’t get me wrong. I am not happy they ripped off the truck. But maybe what she and the kid’s doing ain’t so bad after all.”
The detective turned away from the driver. The fumes from the wreckage still wafted over the freeway like Indian smoke signals in an old Western movie. She hit her speed dial, reaching the voice mail of real estate agent Frank Valentine.
“Your mother and son have done it again. I know you’re holding out on me. I know you can help, and the longer you wait, the worse this is going to come out. Someone’s going to catch them. You better hope that I am the one. If it’s anyone else, then you may lose your family for good.”
The detective took one last look in every direction. Somewhere beyond the freeway smog, Johnny and Stella were planning their next move. With every crime, their notoriety grew. Notoriety would bring a rush to judgment. How would the public judge the boy and his fugitive grandma if the truth were discovered? How would the public judge the police and the company that tried to hunt them down and silence them? The detective truly believed she was the only one who cared about justice. That’s why she had to catch Johnny and Stella before anyone else.
Chapter 2: The Birthday Party
Six Months Earlier
Later on, after he slipped off the map into the shadows, Johnny would remember the day when it all started to change.
It was his eleventh birthday.
It was the day he found the .357 Magnum revolver in his grandmother’s dresser.
That was the day he knew his dreams could come true.
“You’re living in your own little world,” Johnny’s father said, as they drove to the party at Grandma Stella’s house. “Your imagination is running wild based on your comic books.”
“I want to be a hero, Dad. That’s the only thing I want. Nothing you can say will change that.”
“There are no heroes in the real world, only winners and losers. One day you’ll have to decide. Are you going to be a winner, or a loser? What’s it going to be?”
If the world really was made up of winners and losers, it was hard to say where Johnny’s dad, Frank Valentine, belonged. His father was always jumping from one job to another, until his mother finally left. She had married the millionaire boss at her secretary job and moved across the country. In the divorce proceedings that followed, Johnny was asked to choose where he wanted to live. He remained in California with his father, close to his grandma, Stella Valentine.
“You’re eleven years old now,” Frank continued. “I lost my father when I was your age. I didn’t have time for fantasies.”
“Yeah, right, Dad. Whatever you say.”
After dropping off his son in the driveway, Frank backed out and sped away. He was off to meet an investor.
“You’re a big boy now, Johnny!” Grandma Stella announced, swinging open the screen door of her ranch-style house, and greeting him with a big hug. She was a sweet-faced, seventy-something-year-old lady with dyed blonde hair and the energy of a Mexican jumping bean.
She led him into the kitchen, where she was making homemade ravioli, Johnny’s favorite meal.
“Being a big boy means taking charge of your life. Look at me: I’m getting old, but I have my own place, I have friends that I love, and I do what I please.” She handed Johnny a rolling pin, wax paper, and a bowl full of dough.
“It’s good to be here,” Johnny said. “Good to be away from Dad.”
“Your father is a good guy, but he’s too worried about money,” Stella said, as she checked the chocolate cake that was baking in the oven. “Maybe he thinks if there was more money to go around, then there’d be more love. I love your father, but I’m going to give it to you straight. My son gets mixed up sometimes. He forgets the most important things.”
Johnny sprinkled flour across a sheet of wax paper and began flattening the dough for the ravioli with a rolling pin. Then he scooped the ricotta cheese into a mixing bowl and added parmesan, eggs, and chopped fresh parsley.
“So what do I do if my dad and I don’t see eye to eye?” Johnny lowered the ravioli into a pot of boiling water.
His grandmother shrugged and checked the flame under the pot.
“Like I said, you’re a big boy now. At the end of the day, you make your own decisions. Just remember, Johnny, it isn’t going to be a walk in the park. It’s a tough world. That means you have to be tough, too. Plenty of bullies out there.”
“I know about that,” he said.
Johnny felt a bruise on the back of his neck, the spot where the twin boys at school had smacked him from behind with a ruler. The brothers, Stan and Tim Maguire, were a year older than Johnny, but were in the same class at Santa Ramona Middle School.
“Bullies don’t go away when you get older,” Stella said. “They just get bigger and meaner. So you got to know how to stick up for yourself. Nobody gets a happy ending guaranteed. When the wolf comes to get you, you can’t count on some knight in shining armor. You better be ready to take the wolf out yourself.” Stella stirred a pot of tomato sauce simmering on the burner next to the ravioli. “It’s like you found out in the book report I helped you do for school last year.”
Johnny remembered the book report assignment. He had written about the Grimm Brothers’ fairy tales. It was the story of Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf, and the grandmother.
Johnny must’ve read the story a hundred times, and he had always thought he knew it. The girl walked through the woods to visit her grandma, but a wolf had eaten the old lady alive. The wolf ate the little girl, too, but then a hunter killed the wolf and rescued them both, pulling the girl and her grandma out of the wolf’s belly. That’s the way the story went. A happy ending.
That’s what Johnny had thought, until he did the book report.
While at the library doing his research for the book report, Johnny dug up another version of the story. In the second version, the wolf ate the girl and her grandmother, but no hunter came to save them. The girl and her grandmother died. The wolf got away with murder.
“You remember what you found out when you did the book report,” Stella said. “There was a happy ending, and there was a terrible ending.”
“I got in trouble for that book report. My teacher thought I made up the other ending.”
“Don’t worry about it, Johnny.” Stella waved her hand dismissively. She removed the chocolate cake from the oven and set it on the kitchen counter to cool. “Most of that stuff they teach you in school is baloney anyway. The wolf is out there, Johnny. And the story can go either way in real life. Maybe the wolf gets you or maybe he don’t. Maybe someone comes to the rescue or maybe they don’t. Maybe there’s a happy ending and maybe there ain’t.”
By the time the ravioli were ready, a group of friends was in the living room. Most of them knew Stella from her job as a grocery clerk. For twenty-five years, from the time Stella arrived in California until her retirement, she had worked at Caruso’s Supermarket on the corner of Magnolia and Santa Ramona Avenue in the center of town.
There was Stella’s best friend, a fellow retiree named Millie Szymanski, with the sz sound pronounced shhhh, “Like when you’re keeping a secret,” as she liked to remind everyone. The description stuck in Johnny’s memory because Millie was about the worst secret keeper he had ever met.
Next to her sat Elmer Dillinger, Caruso’s head pharmacist, a kindhearted widower with a wrinkly smile. He had worked at the store for decades, and was popular with customers for helping with all kinds of health advice beyond simply filling prescriptions.
Elmer was the closest thing that Johnny had to a grandfather. When he wasn’t working, Elmer liked to take Johnny on fishing trips at a campground in the San Jacinto Mountains. They caught black bass and bluegill at a secret lakeside spot that Johnny had christened Hideaway Cove.
The last guests to arrive were the Santana family: Vince, his wife, Marla, and their twelve-year-old daughter, Sabrina. Vince was the butcher at Caruso’s, where he ran the fresh meat and fish section. In recent years, Vince was joined at work by his nephew, Marco, an eighteen-year-old college wrestling star who wanted to be a doctor and had joined the pharmacy staff as one of Elmer’s assistants.
Sabrina was the only kid at the party. She was the same age as Johnny and they had known each other their whole lives, playing as children at Stella’s parties and card games.
As they got older, they seemed to be going in different directions. Sabrina was pretty and confident. She was a straight-A student and a star player on the school soccer team.
Johnny, on the other hand, wasn’t really good at anything in school.
Yet Sabrina was always friendly to him, and she never seemed to forget the closeness they shared as younger kids. It surprised him that Sabrina still cared about him enough to come to his birthday party.
“This is from my whole family.” Sabrina handed him his present, the latest edition of his favorite comic book, Captain Justice. It was the adventures of a criminal judge who developed a caped alter ego to catch and punish villains who slipped through the system. In his mind, Johnny was modeling his own future ambitions around Captain Justice. He was going to be a real-world superhero. He wouldn’t settle for anything less.
“This is perfect.” Johnny flipped through the pages of Captain Justice and felt a tingling sensation of delight. “Thank you so much, Sabrina. How did you know what to get me?”
“I still know what you like, Johnny.” She smiled. “Remember when we were little? You never would stop talking about superheroes. One time, we put on capes made from bedsheets and were ready to jump off the roof of my family’s apartment. I can’t believe I let you talk me into that.” They both laughed at the memory of the incident. “You always did have a great imagination.”
“I’m surprised you came today. I didn’t think you would.”
“Of course,” she said with a confused look. “You didn’t want me to come?”
“No, no. That’s not what I meant at all.” Johnny’s face flushed with embarrassment. “I’m really happy you’re here. I just wasn’t sure you would be.”
“I’m not going to forget about you, Johnny. I have a soccer game tomorrow after school. It would mean a lot to me if you could make it.”
“Yeah, of course I will. Thanks for inviting me.”
After dinner, Stella brought out the cake decorated with eleven burning candles and they all sang, urging Johnny to make a wish. He looked down at Captain Justice and knew what he wanted to happen.
Following the cake, Stella put a Tony Bennett CD in the stereo and they cleared the dining table for a game of penny poker. Johnny went into his grandmother’s bedroom as he had a hundred times, to retrieve the jar of pennies and two packs of Hoyle playing cards.
Johnny knew the pennies and cards were stored in the top drawer, but this time, either out of curiosity, absentmindedness, or some other instinct he didn’t fully understand, he opened the bottom drawer of the dresser. That’s where he found the shiny, loaded Smith and Wesson revolver and the bullet box.
He was still frozen with wonder, when Stella found him by the bed cradling the gun carefully in his hands. It was a dreamlike rush, a call to the life of adventure and greatness, the life he had just wished for moments earlier in front of the birthday candles.
“What are you doing?” she said. Stella snatched the gun away, confirming the chamber was empty. “Don’t tell your father about this.”
Johnny was startled. He had never even heard her enter the room.
Stella grabbed the handle and aimed the barrel at an imaginary target with the confidence of a pro.
“You have to be careful. You don’t know how to use a gun…yet.”
“Why do you have it, Grandma?”
“Why do you think I have it? It’s just like that story with the girl, the grandmother, and the wolf. The wolf comes after all of us, Johnny. When my time comes, maybe there’s someone there to save me and maybe I am on my own. So I got to prepare. You better believe that when the wolf comes for me, he’s going to get one heck of a fight.”
Chapter 3: The Family
Grandma Stella placed the gun back in the bottom drawer and they returned to the dining room. Their friends were waiting to start the poker game. Explaining why it took so long to retrieve the cards and pennies, Stella mumbled something about needing Johnny to move a piece of furniture, and no one gave it a second thought.
They played several hands of Texas hold ’em until everyone around the table had a chance to deal. The game was a favorite, since it was quick to play and you could keep it short or continue for hours, depending on the mood and the situation. Johnny brought out a plate of chocolate chip cookies that Stella had baked the day before, her famous special recipe with oats, brown sugar, and dark chocolate morsels.
“Stella, don’t let me touch those cookies,” Millie urged. “I have to watch my blood sugar.”
Stella nodded. Millie was a diabetic who had a hard time resisting sweets, especially when she was caught up in the action of a poker game. They’d all played cards together long enough to know that if Millie reached for a cookie it was a surefire sign that she was bluffing.
Stella, on the other hand, was a master poker player who kept her emotions in check and expertly hid her intentions. She never tried to flaunt her skill among friends, but they all knew her talent, and Johnny had seen her in action a few times over the years during family vacations in Las Vegas.
“You have to be aggressive, Johnny,” his grandmother advised. “You can’t sit there and be passive. If you do that, the other players will take control and get the upper hand. Just try to read the other players. Everybody has a tell. The tell shows you what they’re really thinking, not what they want you to believe.”
Johnny still couldn’t get his mind off the gun in the dresser. Remembering Stella’s poker tips, he wondered if her words carried a double meaning. Maybe the daring his grandma displayed in card games was quietly applied to other, hidden parts of her life where the stakes were higher.
He knew a little about his grandmother’s past. She grew up in some old steel town back in Pennsylvania that Johnny had never visited. Her husband ran the neighborhood pizza parlor and was shot dead in a robbery one snowy Friday night as he was closing out his cash register. Johnny’s father, Frank, was just a boy when the tragedy occurred.
As a young widow, Stella moved her son across the country to start a life in California. There she met Millie, who helped her get a job at the supermarket, and she saved enough money to buy the house on Mariposa Street.
Johnny always knew his grandmother had a tough streak, but the discovery of the gun proved that it ran deeper than he had ever guessed. The characters in his comic books also had two sides to their personalities. Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent could lead ordinary lives and transform into superheroes when necessary. Johnny couldn’t help but wonder whether his grandmother had bit of superhero inside her as well.
“Millie, dear, that’s a tell!” Stella yelled. “Put down that cookie. We know you’re bluffing.” She laughed as her friend froze, with a fresh cookie in one hand as she pushed twenty pennies into the pot on a pair of face cards.
“Ah! You got me,” Millie realized. She blushed and dropped the cookie, raising both hands in the air like a thief who’d been caught. Turning over the hidden cards, she showed there was nothing underneath to help her face cards. Sometimes it seemed like Millie just got one bad hand after another.
It was getting late, so they wrapped up the game and the guests began to leave one by one.
Stella went into the kitchen while Johnny and Millie cleared the table. On the television, the Channel Nine anchorwoman, Brenda Sugarland, reported the latest local business story.
“Great American Superstore, the largest retail chain in the country, could be coming to Santa Ramona County. Confidential sources report that the firm is negotiating to purchase Caruso’s Supermarket, a local grocery that has served Santa Ramona for over forty years. Caruso’s sales are down since the death of its founder, Ernie Caruso, ten years ago.”
“That’s a doggone shame what’s happening,” Millie said to Johnny, her eyes glued to the television set. “Caruso’s was a great place to work back in the day. Mr. Caruso treated us all like family. That was true loyalty.”
“I need to ask you about something,” Johnny said to Millie. Stella was still cleaning up in the kitchen and he knew she wouldn’t be able to hear them. “You’ve known my grandmother a long time. You know all her secrets.”
“That’s for sure. She’s like a sister to me.”
Johnny voice was low, almost a whisper, barely audible once the mechanical rumblings of the dishwasher started in the next room. “I found something in her dresser.”
“Is this about the gun?” Millie blurted out, before quickly covering her mouth. Once again she was foiled by the same honest instincts that ended so many poker hands.
“I found it by accident,” Johnny said. “Grandma came in and saw me holding it. That’s why it took so long for me to get the cards and the pennies for poker.”
“Well, I know she keeps it back there.” Millie’s voice was hushed now also. “She’s serious about protecting herself. But don’t tell your father. She doesn’t want Frank to know she still has it. He made her promise to get rid of it.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell him anything.”
“He’s worried. Thinks she’s too old. I don’t think he needs to be concerned, though. I doubt she’ll need to use it again.”
“Again? What do you mean, again?”
“Oops. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”
“So she has used it?”
“Yeah, she has, but—”
“Tell me what you know.”
Millie sighed, wearing the same red-faced expression as she did the time she was caught bluffing with a cookie in her hand.
“Don’t go blabbing about this, OK?” Millie continued soberly, as if she was an expert on keeping secrets.
“I promise, Millie, I won’t spill the beans.”
“Like I said, we worked in the same supermarket for years. There was a time back twenty years ago when the neighborhood around Magnolia Street got a little rougher. You had these shady characters riding on motorcycles and all strung out on drugs. One day, Stella and I were working the checkout counter and these three bikers in leather jackets pulled up in front of the store. First, they were just snooping around inside, but suddenly they slipped on ski masks and drew these long hunting knives out of their jackets. One of them, the leader, grabbed Mr. Caruso out of the manager’s station and stuck the blade in his face. I remember the guy’s jacket sleeves were ripped off and there was a big skull tattoo across his bicep.
“Then the second biker ran straight toward me and jumped over the counter. He pressed his knife against my neck. There were two other checkout aisles open. One was run by Stella and the other by our friend, Silvia Torrez, who was just a young girl back then. I was so scared I thought I’d have a heart attack right there on the spot.
“But I looked over at Stella and I could see she wasn’t scared at all. She was just getting really mad. And that’s when I learned this about your grandmother: once she gets mad enough, then she can’t be intimidated. I am sure she has fears like the rest of us, but once the anger inside her gets bigger than the fear, then it’s a different story. Whatever the fear might have been able to live with, the anger wasn’t having any of it.
“So out of the blue, Stella pulls out her revolver from a drawer under the cash register. It was the same .357 Magnum she still has now. And the next thing I hear is gunshots exploding and echoing around like the store just got hit by a thunderbolt. The first shot was fired as a warning at the third biker, who was coming at her. I could tell she didn’t mean to hit the guy, but it was close enough to scare the daylights out of him. He dove into a rack of People magazines with one of Liz Taylor’s weddings on the cover.
“Next thing I remember, she points her gun at the guy whose knife is at my throat. He was so terrified he dropped the knife and ran right out of the store. Then she stepped out from behind the checkout counter, and I could see the anger still burning bright in her eyes. She took aim at the leader, who was still holding Mr. Caruso with the knife near the manager’s station. She was angling for a way to get a clear shot at the guy without harming Mr. Caruso. What she did was fired it right in front of the leader’s face, since the guy was a lot taller than Mr. Caruso. She obviously didn’t mean to hit him, but she fired close enough to prove a point. The leader fell backward, away from Mr. Caruso, landing in a display case full of pretzels bags. Then Stella fired a fourth round at the ceiling right above this guy and a fluorescent light came crashing down on him. I could see some shards of glass cut the guy and he had blood running from his tattoo.
“Stella lowered her gun and started shouting: ‘Get out of our store! Get out of our store right now!’ The bikers all scrambled onto their bikes, the leader clutching his arm right where the tattoo was all bloody and open. You could hear the engines roaring and the tires screeching as they raced out of the parking lot. And as they drove away, Stella walked behind them on the sidewalk, gun ready, making sure they didn’t get any ideas about coming back.
“Well, we were all so relieved. We felt like she had saved the store. Mr. Caruso was forever grateful to Stella after that. He even offered to give her a cash reward, but she refused it. She said she did it because we were all family and we had to look out for each other.”
Chapter 4: The Passing Lane
When Frank finished his business deal, he returned to Grandma Stella’s house to take his son home once the birthday party was over. The father and son lived together in a two-story condo, part of a new gated community in the western side of Santa Ramona.
Frank and Johnny shared the same Italian-American looks, inherited from ancestors and a land they knew nothing about. But their personalities gave their appearance different effects. Frank’s handsome face conveyed a slick congeniality, while Johnny’s younger version of the same face suggested a shy vulnerability.
On the ride home, Johnny stared out the window.
“Look, I know you’re mad I didn’t come to the party,” Frank said.
Johnny didn’t say a word.
Monday morning, the day after his birthday, Frank and Johnny were back in the car again. It was only four exits on the Route 91 Freeway from the condo to Santa Ramona Middle School. Not a great distance, but Frank was determinedly weaving between different lanes.
“You always got to keep your eye out for a passing lane, Johnny. Never lose a chance to get ahead. The freeway’s always going to be crowded, so you got to look for an opening and take it. Otherwise, you just get stuck and everything will pass you by.”
After he dropped his son off at school, Frank picked up his mother, Stella, to drive her to a recurring doctor’s appointment.
Frank always had his eye on the passing lane.
Ever since he was a child, Frank had yearned for something better. After the loss of his father, his modest upbringing on his mother’s salary as a grocery clerk provided love and the essentials, but in his mind there was always something lacking. He knew there was a bigger, more exciting life out there, and he was missing out on it.
As an adult, Frank chased success through the many incarnations of his business career, as restaurant entrepreneur, car dealer, insurance salesman, and stockbroker. None of these endeavors had brought riches or satisfaction.
When Johnny’s mother left him to marry her wealthy boss, Frank made some reckless real estate investments in another failed attempt to hit the big time.
“You never should’ve bought all those homes, Frank,” Stella lamented, as they got back on the freeway and headed toward the medical center.
“Relax, Mom. It’s going to all work out.”
Frank knew if he’d listened to his mother earlier, he wouldn’t be in his current jam. He certainly wasn’t about to admit that to her.
“I don’t see why you have to aim for so much, Frank. I never made the big bucks working at a supermarket. But I have a home. I have my son, my grandson, and my friends. Isn’t that enough?”
Frank shook his head. No, he thought, that isn’t enough. Once again, something she would never understand.
“Mom, you’ve always had your opinions. I know you like to tell me how to live my life, but there’s one thing you’ve got to remember. You had your time. Now it’s my time.”
“My time isn’t over,” Stella fired back. “I have experience, instincts, and advice that you need to hear.”
“It’s a different world now, Mom. The old rules don’t apply.”
Chapter 5: The Miracle Cure
Frank and Stella arrived at the plush offices of Dr. Malcolm Whittier in the City Medical Center, where she’d been treated during her recovery from cancer.
After her initial diagnosis three years ago, Stella’s life was a blur of dizzy spells, surgical procedures, and exhausting sessions under scorching lasers. Everything failed to fight the disease until finally, in the second year, Dr. Whittier put her into a clinical trial for a wondrous new drug called Helixin.
Since she went on the medication, Stella was in complete remission, but she still got visibly nervous every time she entered the oncologist’s office.
“Mom, don’t worry. You’re fine,” her son said. Frank’s voice was full of comfort and compassion; the bickering tone from their conversation on his real estate business was gone. “You beat this thing. The only reason that Whittier insists on these monthly checkups is so he can get the extra fee for the Helixin injections. He makes a few thousand bucks a pop for every shot.”
Frank laughed cynically and pointed to the extravagant furniture and artwork that filled Dr. Whittier’s office. He profited immensely as one of the first doctors to document the breakthrough benefits of Helixin, using Stella’s recovery as a case study for seminars and medical papers. The drug’s manufacturer, LifeGen, paid him speaker fees and provided free bulk samples of Helixin, which he resold to patients.
Stella knew the doctor grew very rich through her experience as a patient, and she didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was that she got into the Helixin trial when there was no other hope. Now, because of the medicine, she was healthy.
Frank and Stella sat side by side, each of them thumbing through their third round of magazines from the coffee table, when a beautiful blonde woman in a Chanel suit entered the office. She handed a bouquet of flowers to the receptionist. Frank and Stella recognized the woman, Julie, who seemed to drop in every time they had an appointment. She glowed with the enthusiasm of a cheerleader at a homecoming game.
Julie was a “detail lady” for LifeGen. Her job was to sell new drugs to doctors, showering them with gifts and perks along the way. Julie explained the proper care for the flowers to the receptionist, and then asked to see the doctor, to tell him about a vaccine coming to market.
“We’ve got an appointment with Dr. Whittier, right now,” Frank interrupted.
Julie’s head spun toward Frank and Stella abruptly, startled by the intrusion. Then she smoothed out her face with an effervescent smile.
From the hallway leading to the examination rooms, Malcolm Whittier strolled into the lobby. He was a dapper man in his early forties and looked like he could be a decade younger. Whittier grinned when he saw Julie, a hint of mischief in his eyes. Then he directed his attention to his patient.
“My nurse, Sarah, is going to give you the checkup and the injection,” the doctor told Stella, setting his hand on her shoulder.
“What do you mean, Doc? How come you’re not going to see me? Don’t you need to check for any new signs? What if—”
The doctor gave Stella a reassuring smile. “Mrs. Valentine, I’ve told you this before. You don’t have to worry. You’re healthy. The Helixin attacks the cells so that cancer can’t grow. It cripples the oncogene. There is no way for the disease to start to spread itself again. You’ll stay in complete remission as long as you continue with your treatment. You don’t need me to administer the medicine. Sarah is quite capable.”
Whittier then exited the office, together with Julie. Stella could hear their voices trailing down the corridor as they discussed the best new restaurant for lunch.
Sarah brought Stella into one of the examination rooms, where she changed into a gown so the nurse could do a routine check for any new signs.
The nurse prepared for the monthly injection, opening a cabinet above the room’s sink. Stacked inside were several boxes marked Helixin in large letters, with the label of Promotional Samples in smaller print underneath.
As the nurse removed a vial from the box and filled a syringe with its clear liquid contents, Stella clutched something she carried during every checkup. It was a Saint Jude prayer card, which Millie had given Stella during her darkest hour, when her condition appeared to be terminal. As the needle pricked her skin, Stella silently recited the words on the card to distract herself from the sting.
Dear Apostle and Martyr for Christ, with good reason many invoke you when illness is at a desperate stage. We now recommend to your kindness for someone in a critical condition. May the cure of this patient increase their faith and love for the Lord of Life, for the glory of our merciful God. Amen.
Stella remembered praying to the patron saint of lost causes when she was very sick, when it seemed so certain that the illness would take her life.
She pleaded to the angels and anyone else who would listen. As a younger woman, she pounded the pavement, making her pitch to various employers for a chance to work, until she finally landed her grocery job at Caruso’s. This time around she was pitching her case to God for the chance to keep on living.
Of course, I have my selfish reasons, she thought to herself, during those silent, bleak hours in the pews. Nobody loves life the way I do. Nobody enjoys the simple pleasures of friends, family, and retirement the way that I do.
But it’s not just about me. It’s about Johnny. Someone needs to be there to give the kid some guidance. His parents are off chasing pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. Without me here, there’s no one to teach him what life is about.
There was another reason stirring within her, something vague, but powerful nonetheless.
There’s something else that I am supposed to do…some contribution I can make…not just for me and Johnny, but for many others.
Later, after setting the prayer card with her name on the altar, Stella’s fortunes suddenly and miraculously changed once Whittier got her into the Helixin trial. The dark and painful moments in the pew, so close to death, faded like the memory of a nightmare.
Stella felt the final jolt of the needle being withdrawn and opened her eyes to the harsh fluorescent light of the examination room. The nurse smiled.
“Everything’s fine. See you next month, Mrs. Valentine.”
As Stella changed back into her street clothes, she couldn’t shake the lingering recollection of her pitch to God to keep on living, the pledge to make some contribution. Was this the fleeting delusion of a sick woman? Or was it real? And if so, what could it be?
Chapter 6: Durable Power
After the appointment, Frank took his mother to Marie Callender’s, a family restaurant in the same strip mall as Caruso’s Supermarket. They had coffee and apple pie, a treat that had become a tradition for them, a way of celebrating every successful trip to the doctor’s office. Eating forkfuls of pie and stirring nonfat milk into their coffee, they laughed and gossiped about what kind of lunchtime activities Dr. Whittier and Julie might engage in.
“I think there’s something going on between those two,” Frank snickered.
“I think you’re right,” Stella replied. “He’s turning into a ladies’ man. Did you see the silk shirt and designer tie he was wearing today? He used to come in looking like a nerd in the old days, now he could pass for some Hollywood big shot. The doc’s got a good thing going, and he’s milking it.”
“That guy pisses me off. The way he passed you off to the nurse. Who does he think he is?”
Stella waved her hand dismissively. “I let it slide. Whittier may be a little highfalutin nowadays, but I got to give the kid credit. He hooked me into Helixin. He got me in the trial. Since then, it’s seems like everything’s been smooth sailing.”
“That’s what I’ve been telling you, Mom. You don’t have to worry. All that stuff you went through is over.”
“I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. My old boss, Mr. Caruso, used to always tell me that the greatest wealth is health. Boy, was he ever right about that.”
Frank grinned and gobbled a bite of his pie.
“You know, Frank, I keep remembering something from when I was real sick. I had this feeling like maybe there’s some kind of mission that’s still ahead of me, some contribution I have to make.” Stella shook her head. “Life’s funny that way. Sometimes you don’t know whether you’re at the end of the book or you’re just kicking off a whole new chapter.”
“Mom, you have plenty of chapters left. You’ve got sequels. And then some.”
She laughed. “I wasn’t sure for a while, but I’m starting to think the same thing myself. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” She paused and her manner turned more serious. “Frank, since my health is back. I think that I’m ready to be in charge again. We don’t need that contract.”
Frank’s grin disappeared and his lips twisted with unpleasant shock, like he just bit into a piece of dill pickle in the middle of the pie filling. For a moment, it seemed he might have choked on his pie, until he swallowed and recovered. His mother was referring to a power of attorney contract they drafted during the worst stage of her illness. The agreement granted Frank decision-making authority over all of Stella’s financial assets and health-care decisions.
Frank cleared his throat. “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Mom? You wanted that thing in place to make it easy to take care of you if anything happened.”
“That’s true, but like you said, I don’t have to worry now. Everything is back to normal. Besides, I’ve been reading up on this, and we can set up the contract so that it’s springing.”
“Springing?”
“Right now it is set up for durable power of attorney, which makes you the decision maker at all times. If we change it to a springing agreement, I stay in charge now while I am healthy. Then, if anything happens, the contract goes into effect and puts you in charge of everything.”
“We spent a lot of time drafting that agreement. I don’t see why we have to go back and pay a lawyer to change it.”
“Frank, as long as I’m healthy, don’t you want me to be in charge of my own life?”
“Of course I do.” Frank rested his hand on his mother’s shoulder. He realized his reaction was too strong and would make her that much more determined. “I know how much you value your independence. I don’t want to see you lose that, ever.”
Frank didn’t talk during the drive back to Mariposa Street. He was trying to untangle a trap in his mind. If it came to a struggle, his mother couldn’t challenge the contract. She’d need his consent. He had read in the paper about many cases of seniors who granted durable power to their guardians. It was like giving away the key to your life. You could never get it back unless you got agreement from the keeper of the key.
Frank anticipated the hard choice he would need to make. A terrible debt was coming due, one of his own making. The wolf he faced would not hesitate to devour him. He would need all the money and assets he could muster to feed the beast and spare his own life. He remembered their earlier argument, on their way to the doctor’s office. Was it his time or her time? Did it really have to be one or the other? A man should never have to choose between his own survival and his mother’s. He would have to find a way to save them both.
Chapter 7: Tuscan Paradise
After dropping off Stella at her house, Frank drove back down the 91 Freeway toward the foothills in Corona. He took an exit to a surface road lined with eucalyptus trees, arriving at a gate with Greco-Roman pillars. An engraved title over the entrance read Tuscan Paradise. Frank keyed in an access code and the gates slid open to a private road that snaked up a foothill toward the ridge.
At the summit, the road overlooked a construction area for a vast planned community, with sites for scores of condos, homes, and mansions. Frank descended into the basin, where the slopes were carved into layered tiers of separate residential lanes that ended in cul-de-sacs. Only several blocks of homes were complete and showed signs of habitation.
The remainder of the slopes and the basin were lined with wooden skeletons and frames, some of them partially fleshed out with insulation, drywall, and stucco. At the center of the basin was a giant pit of dirt and cement, once intended as the foundation for a community clubhouse and auditorium at the heart of the doomed community.
Frank once envisioned future phases with hope and optimism, watching the workmen and equipment sprinkled throughout the basin. Now the men were gone and all construction was suspended.
There was a time when Tuscan Paradise was touted as the hottest real estate attraction in the county, a new standard in luxurious residential living that would put Santa Ramona on par with the most exquisite master-planned communities in San Diego, Los Angeles, and Orange County.
Frank couldn’t resist the promise of Tuscan Paradise. When the banks wouldn’t loan him any more money, he searched for a private investor who could back him up. That was how Frank came to know Lester Cummings, a secretive man with vast, hidden wealth. Lester agreed to front one million dollars, as a part-loan, part-equity investment, for the purchase of multiple homes in the first phase.
Now it was obvious to everyone that Frank’s bet on Tuscan Paradise had gone horribly wrong. Lester was not a man who you’d want to disappoint. Frank understood that better than anybody.
As the afternoon sun baked the basin, Frank turned onto Tivoli Lane and noticed a few cheerful Sold signs with the photo of Bobby Maguire, a rival realtor with a strong reputation in the city. Maguire was the father of the twin brothers in Johnny’s middle school class, two boys who bullied Johnny and were known for having the upper hand in the classroom.
Unfortunately for Frank, the twins’ father had the upper hand as well in the world of real estate. Whether it was merely bad luck or inferior salesmanship, Frank’s timing was off, and he couldn’t unload his own houses before the market soured.
So while Maguire’s face beamed with the satisfaction of someone who sold before it was too late, Frank was stuck with For Sale signs in the yards of the four homes that he and Lester owned in the cul-de-sac at the end of Tivoli Lane. Every time he came by Tuscan Paradise, his own signs seemed a little more worn, and his own smile in the listing photo seemed a little more desperate.
As he parked his SUV in front of one of his empty two-story, McMansion properties, Frank observed a black Mercedes in the driveway. He noticed the three large men sitting inside, watching in the shadows. One of the men emerged from the driver’s seat and marched forcefully toward Frank. He was middle-aged, with salt-and-pepper hair. As he approached, he seemed to gain momentum. His face was red and blotchy, full of anger and violence, hardened by a life of greedy conquests that brought no satisfaction. This was Frank’s business partner, Lester Cummings.
Lester was a tank of a man, a mass of fat and muscle, and propelled his enormous body with energy and precision. Clad in jeans, a leather jacket, and a black sweater, he hurtled toward Frank as if he might tackle him. His thick neck, crooked nose, and square jaw gave his face a triangular menace, like an alligator ready to snap its jaws on helpless prey. The two other men in the Mercedes stepped out and followed behind Lester, hands buried in their bulky coat pockets. Frank knew they were Lester’s cronies.
The first man strutting behind Lester was Harry Gibraltar. He was lanky, with oily black hair and sideburns worn long like Elvis in his later Las Vegas days. Harry had a sour face, with pockmarked cheeks and lips in a persistent scowl. Frank knew Harry was involved in the day-to-day oversight of Frank’s legitimate businesses that served as a front for his cash flow.
Frank had assumed from the outset that Lester needed a safe place to park his cash. When they drafted the deal to buy the homes in Tuscan Paradise, Lester insisted on keeping his name off public transactions, funneling the money to Frank through a series of off-the-book maneuvers that cloaked his involvement. And so Frank formed a corporation in his own name. This seemed strange to Frank at the time, but it also seemed to work to his advantage, so he didn’t question it.
The second figure emerging from the Mercedes was Rudy Spinoza, a thin man of average proportions that gave him an everyman quality. Rudy was a chameleon whose appearance changed a little each time Frank met him. Frank could never figure out exactly what role Rudy played within the organization, which was not a good sign. He could tell that Rudy’s various faces were masks for a man who could be very dangerous.
As the three looming figures closed in on him, Frank shuddered and regretted once more how badly he’d underestimated the risks of taking on Lester as a partner. At the time, all he could see was the money that Lester was willing to provide. Now, Frank saw Lester and his henchmen for what they really were: thugs hiding behind the façade of legitimacy. Frank was mired in a swamp and there was no easy way to avoid the jaws of the alligator.
“I still see For Sale signs on this block. Why are these signs still here, Frank?” Lester growled. He kept charging forward until his body was on the brink of contact with Frank. When he stopped, he clenched his fists and kept his arms ready, like he might throw a punch any second.
“I still have plenty of leads, Lester,” Frank answered weakly. “I have appointments all afternoon to show the homes.”
“You’ve been showing these houses to people forever. You have no excuse. You need to make the sale.”
“You’ve got to give me a little more time, Lester.”
Lester shook his head. “Your job is to sell. That’s what you told me. You told me you were the best guy around. I gave you one million dollars because you told me you could turn these homes for a thirty percent return. So that’s what I expect you to do,” Lester continued.
“I’ll get you your return,” Frank said. “Just a little more time.”
Lester poked his finger into Frank’s chest.
“My patience is running thin. I didn’t get where I am by giving guys like you the benefit of the doubt. You came to me because you couldn’t get a loan from the bank. I invested. The flip side to that is that I play by different rules than the bank. I am not gonna write off a loss quite so easily. If you don’t pay up, I guarantee you’ll lose a lot more than your credit rating.”
Lester shoved Frank so hard that he fell backward, knocking over his own sign and landing in the grass. Frank started to push himself up and saw Lester move one step closer.
“When I first started dealing with you, Frank, you convinced me you were a winner. Come on, man. Convince me again. Show me you’re a winner,” Lester challenged.
Frank sat up on the grass. He expected more abuse, but instead, the big man turned around and got into his car. Frank waited until the Mercedes disappeared over the ridge and then brushed himself off, checking the time as he did. In half an hour, another prospective buyer would arrive at Tivoli Lane for a house showing. Frank had to forget what just happened and get ready to sell.
Chapter 8: The Unincorporated Zone
Lester Cummings ran his affairs from an office behind a neon-lit bar. The bar was one of several properties he owned in a grimy strip mall on the outskirts of Santa Ramona. The mall was in an unincorporated zone, a slice of land between municipal borders that didn’t fall into any specific city.
When he bought the property, Lester was attracted to the idea that no local city police were directly responsible for the area. Like other unincorporated zones, jurisdiction would be left to the overstretched county sheriff’s department. In Lester’s mind, this meant minimal supervision and maximum freedom to conduct his affairs without interference.
Lester and his two sidekicks, Rudy and Harry, returned in the Mercedes after meeting with their real estate partner, Frank Valentine, exiting the 91 Freeway in an industrial area and weaving through a patchwork of warehouses, junkyards, and storage facilities until they reached their home base. On their way, they passed a retirement home called Shady Palms, another business Lester controlled through a shadow company.
Lester was a predator by nature. He started young as a common gangster, committing petty theft and armed robberies. Then he spent the majority of his adult life trying to slowly edge his illicit dealings toward legitimacy. He wasn’t motivated to do this out of guilt, remorse, or any aspiration to lead a virtuous life. He figured that going straight offered bigger payoffs with less risk. It was that simple. And in his mind, that was the only thing that separated the straight business world from criminal enterprise. Still, Lester was never afraid to get his hands dirty if that’s what it took. He had come up the hard way, and was prepared to do anything he had to in order to keep moving in the direction of wealth, power, and comfort.
As a teen, he formed a gang with Rudy and Harry, committing holdups throughout the county. After serving time, Lester got out and looked for opportunities in the margins and gray areas, anywhere that he could leverage his skills as a thug and a thief, as long as he could stay out of trouble.
Lester’s first fortune was through the rise of Indian gaming, when casinos were sprouting up on reservations across the county. Lester provided security for the tribes and then branched out into loan sharking, book keeping, and embezzling cash collected at the card tables on the casino floors. The tribes grew suspicious and Lester knew it was time to move on. He used his windfall from Indian gambling to buy the strip mall in the unincorporated zone. Most of his cash flow now came from a ring of bingo games he ran out of Shady Palms and other retirement homes in Santa Ramona.
In the office, Harry Gibraltar lit a cigarette, huddli
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Emily Sue Harvey’s second novel, Homefires, is the story of Janeece and Kirk Crenshaw, a couple married just after their high school graduation who set out to make a life for themselves. It is a life marked by surprises, none more dramatic than when Kirk receives his “high-calling” and becomes a pastor. It is a life marked by tragedy, the most heart-rending of which is the death of one of their children.
And it is a life marked by challenges: to their church, to their community, and most decidedly to their marriage. And as the fullness of time makes its impact on their union, Kirk and Janeece must face the question of whether they have gone as far as they can together.
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an excerpt from
Homefires
by Emily Sue Harvey
PROLOGUE PRESENT
The gravedigger has been at it for at least an hour now. I watch from my car, across the road from the church cemetery where generations of my family rest, separated by six feet of sod from May’s warm sunshine. My father’s foot marker flanks the newest mound. The digger toils as I observe, experiencing a grief no less than when the earth first opened for the faraway casket that will, tomorrow, change its resting place to here. Twenty years have not dulled my loss. The little village church, where I learned about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, overlooks the activity maternally, as she did me when I was a small child.
Melancholy thick and black as old used motor oil floods me and the little girl inside yearns to resurrect. She flounders toward a time when truth was what the preacher said and Mama and Daddy made everything all right. To when the Holy Trinity simply was and Heaven was as real as MawMaw’s Sunday kitchen feasts. To when loving felt so good, it was like getting feather-tickled all inside and bore no risks.
Risks. That comes with the homefires I keep burning. Homefires. Such an innocent word.
The shovel’s ping against rock jolts me. A small gust of warm air flavored with honeysuckle and tiger lilies ruffles my hair and I inhale deeply, my dull gaze following a jagged stone spooned from earth’s gaping hole.
Fact hits me broadside – there is no crawling back into childhood’s shelter. Tears gather to blur and mix earth tones.
Thwump. I blink away moisture. The shovel now lies beside the earthen orifice.
The gravedigger’s shoulders square off with the red-clay horizon. He pauses to loosen a black scarf tied around his head and uses it to wipe his wet brow. Gloved hands grab hold of firm sod and sinewy arms hoist him up, up until his dirty broganed foot swings over the earth’s solid edge and he laboriously climbs out. He turns stiffly to wave at me – a small gesture like the tip of a hat that says, ‘it’s finished.’ For him, it is. Not for me. For me, it just begins.
I hear his pickup’s roar as it fades into the distance. I settle my arms over the warm steering wheel, loosely hugging it.
Another beginning. The thought does not lift me. Rather, grim resignation seeps into me.
I take a deep breath and sit up straighter. Thing is, this time, I know I can do it. The old paralyzing fear now has little power over me. I learned long ago not to say, “I could never live through that.” Seems either Fate or the Devil himself eavesdrops because most of those nevers came to pass. Little by little, over the years and through circumstances, that curious, finely tuned mechanism inside me grew more and more resistant to threats and dangers. I’m not saying I’ll never be afraid again – like I said before, I avoid the word never.
At the same time, I know one thing as well as I know oxygen’s necessity: nobody else can give me peace. I alone am responsible for it. Another truth: a higher power has and will keep me sane and alive through anything that befalls me.
I shove sunglasses over my small, tilted nose, my best facial feature. The genetic thing that sculpted mine small and straight and – to quote my daughters – spared them from the large Romanesque nose dominating their father’s squared off face, softened only by a Kirk Douglas chin cleft.
Kirk Crenshaw: my hero. Kirk calls me a romantic. I suppose I am. Sometimes, he says it like it’s good. Other times, when his words seem edged in cedar, they are more an accusation.
“I’m tired of apologizing for living,” I’ve said to Kirk more than once, because that’s what it is – living. Being. My otherworldliness is both blessing and curse. Lord knows I’ve tried and tried to harness the thing that lopes away with my imagination. Just when I think I’ve got it licked, I find myself, mid-task, drifting off to some faraway time or exotic place and writing scintillating dialogue…until Kirk snaps his beautiful male fingers in my face and mutters, “Earth to Janeece…earth to Janeece. Where are you?”
I usually end up apologizing. Then, I resent it.
Because Kirk doesn’t apologize for living. Ever.
Yet, I refuse to be a scorekeeper.
I’d rather work on me. It’s easier. Safer.
The spiritual me knows I must forgive to be forgiven. Another part of me is on guard against a vulnerability that hovers, has hovered over me, for as long as I’ve breathed.
And today, for some reason, that placelessness lusts for me. I push the button that raises the car windows and then flip the air conditioner on high, suddenly irked with my stupid, excessive introspection. Air’s too heavy as it is.
“You take things too seriously, Janeece,” Kirk loves to say, adding, always, a sharp little tweak to my nose or chin. “Let’s talk about something lighter.” I turn my head quickly to the side, muting some irritated response.
Perhaps I am too serious. Perhaps it’s just Kirk’s way to preserve levity and drive back any need to analyze himself. Kirk loves to soar above troubled waters.
I don’t know.
All I know is that I love my husband. That, too, is unalterable. I should know. I park my car at the cemetery and walk slowly to the open sepulcher
Inhaling earth’s fecund smell, I blink back tears that blur the chasm. The open grave, the dirt…it’s too real…too, too real. I didn’t think it could “ever hurt this much again.
I was wrong.
PART ONE
“To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the Heaven.”
Ecclesiastes 3: 8
1960-1973
CHAPTER ONE
“A time to love and a time to hate.”
Kirk Crenshaw and I graduated from Chapowee High on Monday and wed on Saturday. That we were broke as convicts had no bearing on our full-blown, genuine church wedding. Shoot no. Mill village friends and family swarmed like a colony of ants in the little Chapowee Methodist fellowship hall, arranging food offerings, while my two attendants decked me out in the ladies rest room.
“You’re so beautiful, Sis,” sighed Trish, my thirteen-year-old sister, whose bottomless, soulful eyes reflected the robin’s egg blue of her bridesmaid dress. Her fingers fluttered gently over my bridal veil as Callie’s not so gentle hands grasped the zipper of the candlelight white satin and lace wedding gown and tugged hard.
“Suck in,” she hissed and commenced to Saran-wrap me in my pastor’s wife’s size six gown. Mrs. Hart had weighed one hundred ten pounds when donning it for her own wedding. “Eleven years and four children later, it would, she declared, take two angry, strong armed wrestlers to squash and stuff her into it. A couple of inches shorter than hers, my one hundred seventeen pound, five-foot-three frame packed into it solidly. “Just barely,” groaned Callie, my co-maid of honor, who shared this role with Trish. She stepped back and, hands on saucy hips, surveyed the hemline.
“My spike heels you’re wearing take up almost all the extra length.”
“Almost. Lord have mercy, I’ve starved five pounds off in order to wear this thing,” I grumbled as the seams seized my flesh. My reflection in the church restroom’s long door mirror did not reveal my discomfort and I found when I relaxed, it wasn’t so bad. After all, the festivities would be over in a couple of hours.
My buddy Cal’s five-foot-eight, Ava Gardner-incarnate presence usually dwarfed and paled me, but today, it didn’t. “Spittin’ image o’ Doris Day,” Cal muttered, fluffing her wild, shoulder-length dark-mahogany mane while “her sultry brown eyes surveyed me like a chemist’s through a microscope.
“Yeah, right! With these D-cup hooters and dishwater bland hair.” I trailed my hands over the snug bustline to the cinched waist. Yet…I angled another look at the mirror. My short sun-streaked hair fluffed becomingly from overnight pincurls. Strawberry pink lipstick glazed my lips and a light brush of Cal’s Max Factor Plum Heat rouge focused my features rather nicely. I had to admit, today, I felt pretty.
A thrill shot through me at the thought of Kirk in black tux and blue ruffled shirt.
While Cal and Trish fussed with their hair and makeup, I meandered into a Sunday school room of my home church, needing solitude to rhapsodize. I raised the window then perched gingerly on a bench next to it, letting memories waft in on the fragrant, cooling, June honeysuckle breeze.
Kirk, my knight in shining armor, rode onto my horizon atop a cut down peach flat, a clattering Beverly Hillbilly’s version, startling and scattering all my romantic dreams of him – Mr. Right, a John Saxonish stranger who kidnapped me to his penthouse where he ravished me, then forced me to elope with him. ‘Course, I knew that should I succumb to fornication, I’d not only inhabit Hell in the hereafter but would immediately become earthly discarded slop, which surpasses leftovers and is only good for hogs.
Such was the aftermath of underground sex in the fifties. Partly mine was spiritual restraint, but in large part, it was because of my dad, hovering next to God-almighty in my conscience cranny, watching. And Joe Whitman, with his regal bearing and no nonsense confrontations was a force I cared not to reckon with. His sunny William Holden good looks – which endured into his sixties – evolved, with provocation, to stony Walter Matthau, freezing me mid-stride. No, I did not want to displease him by being loose like Callie.
Anyway, I smiled today, thinking about the night not far into our courtship, when Kirk – not John Saxonish at all – and I nearly crossed the line. We’d parked in a remote corner of thickly wooded Crenshaw forestland, the only collateral standing between them and destitution – hiding from Daddy and the world. “Tell me about your family,” I’d coaxed and settled my head against his solid shoulder.
He did. Seemed once it started, it tumbled out like a slotmachine gone crazy, all of it – his dad’s alcoholism, his mom’s subjugation, his sibling’s insecurity and anger and the poverty, the near squalor. He finished in a voice as low and rough as velvet embroidered with thorny vines. I recognized behind the timbre of those words a pulsating, palpable anger. Eclipsing his mortar-set face, green eyes blazed into darkness. A chill rippled up my spine.
The car radio’s dim light cast his features into starkly hewed lines and angles while its speakers oozed rhythm and blues from Ernie’s Music for Lovers out of Cincinnati and I wondered who is this person? for the first time divining that our differences made us virtual strangers. Then he turned his head, caught my gaze and smiled, in a blink dispelling the harshness from his features as he turned me into his arms and began to kiss me.
The night seemed different, more urgent. Soon, I found myself lying beneath him in the seat and for the first time, felt Kirk’s hardness against my belly and it was like getting slammed there with a warm, slushing current and everything went white-hot. God knows, I’d always berated girls for being “that way” and pooh-poohed the idea that one gets “carried away” with passion, and here I was, my hormones gone crazy, my limbs gone liquid and my breath coming in spurts. And poor Kirk, in a frenzy, all hands and lips and pelvis, nearly incoherent. And my brain kept saying “stop, stop, stop” while my body kept screaming “Yes! Yes! Now!”
They were new, the volcanic rapids carrying me away from rationale, away from me, whose velocity pinned me to that seat like a gnat against a cyclone. I don’t know where it came from, the strength to say “stop, Kirk.” Probably from the deep down me who knew I could hide from Daddy and the world but not from Him. It was a mere wisp of sound Kirk seemed not to hear.
The next “No, Kirk. Stop!” carried more momentum and he halted as if startled from a feverish trance to sudden wakefulness. Kirk quickly disentangled himself, apologized profusely, then spread-eagled his arms and plastered his red face to the steering wheel for a long time. His abashment matched my own.
Later, we talked. Both virgins, we agreed that neither wanted to consummate our union outside of marriage. From that time, despite incredible chemistry between us – his look or touch always melted my bones – we honored our commitment to chastity.
Today, on our wedding day, my eyes misted at the wisdom of that decision because what had developed between us was love in its purest form.
Golden afternoon sunlight spilled over the heart pine vestibule floor, where Daddy fiddled with his blue shirt ruffle. “Does it look too sissy?” he muttered out the corner of his mouth, his features stricken with apprehension.
“You look just like a movie star,” I whispered, “Only better-looking.”
He relaxed, became Daddy again. Strong. The rock beneath my wobbly, stilettoed feet.
I clutched his arm and felt his hand squeeze my icy fingers. Lordy, was I nervous. Then I saw the groom’s party enter the front of the church, filing to stand before the pulpit. Horace “Moose” McElrath, a barrel of a fellow with corkscrew dark curls and eyes so smiley half-mooned I had yet to detect their color, took his honored place at Kirk’s side. As usual, his turkeynecking chuckle – always present when Moose was nervous – pressed a very latent giggle button deep inside me.
Daddy felt me shaking and gazed worriedly at my lowered head. “You okay?” he asked, patting my hand. I drew in a deep breath and brought the uncharacteristic mirth-seizure under control, nodding.
Then I really focused on Kirk. Another fierce thrill flared through me. Lordy – how did I ever not think him handsome? His loosely waved, wheat blond head glistened, awash with afternoon sunrays pouring through stained windows. From that distance, past one hundred heads, with me nearly hidden behind attendants, his gaze sought me out, found me. The connection – hokey as it sounds – szzzzzzed.
In a single heartbeat, I was back on my porch, nearly two years earlier, that evening Kirk’s contraption had idled to a halt before my mill village house, where I rocked and sang gustily along with Fats Domino’s Blueberry Hill drifting through my bedroom window. Moose, my friend from English class, hopped off the passenger seat and chatted with me when I moseyed to the curb – actually a front yard easily spanned in four giant steps – to join them. I quickly labeled the wiry, sun-bleached guy the Quiet One, who sat behind the wheel of his peach flat, his gaze studiously transfixed to something beyond that bug-splattered windshield.
“What you guys doin’?” I’d asked.
“We been fishin’,” Moose replied, grinning.
“Catch anything?” I slid a glance at the Quiet One.
“You kiddin’?” Moose yuk-yukked. “We eat all our Vienna Sausages and crackers and drunk all our Cocolas, then left. Lookin’ fer girls, hey, Kirk?”
The Quiet One merely grunted. Or did he? Feeling bad for Moose, I quickly said, “Moose, did you ever learn how to conjugate them danged verbs?” We laughed and guffawed over that because Moose usually copied my homework paper.
The driver of the vehicle remained statue still, arms akimbo, eyes straight ahead like a horse wearing blinders. Frozen, yet relaxed in an odd sort of way. Curiosity ambushed me.
“Who’s he?” I asked Moose, not caring what the other guy thought since he wasn’t even trying to be polite. Least he could do was speak to me, concede that I existed. So my question was in the same pretend-he’s-not-here category as his silent disregard.
“Kirk Crenshaw,” Moose offered glancing curiously at his buddy.
“He’s in my homeroom.” I’d just recognized him. “Hey! You’re in my homeroom.” Let him ignore that. A thing that truly nettled me was disdain. It pounced against this thing inside me that simply must placate everyone. Fact was, I felt compelled to befriend every danged person I met and would, in fact, have taken them home with me had Daddy been more social-oriented.
For the first time, the wheat blond head turned to acknowledge me and his hard mouth curved slightly, as if in amusement, or annoyance, I couldn’t tell which. “Yeah?” he muttered, as in “so what?” Little did I realize that he waved a red flag before me, with his Elk majesty and male mystique. I knew so little of myself in those young days that it was much later before I recognized what that flag represented. Challenge.
Monday morning in homeroom, I watched Kirk Crenshaw’s brisk entrance just before the bell. His carriage bordered on cocky. But wasn’t. His energetic presence affected me, as did his crisp, freshly pressed shirt and slacks – slacks that showcased firm buttocks and long slender legs. It wasn’t that he was all that good-looking, though with wavy sun-bleached hair, his rugged features weren’t bad. Kinda nice, I decided, in a tousled, inexplicable way. It was something in the way he moved, like harnessed steam, smooth yet forceful. Even the way he shoved his hands in his pockets, infinitely male, held me rapt.
Later, a prickly ‘being watched’ sensation moved me to suddenly swivel in my desk to face the back of the room, catching Kirk’s study of me. Spring-green eyes, set amid olive complected features, startled me with their intensity, making my stomach turn over as a warm feeling trickled through me like summer branch water.
I smiled. He smiled back, his gaze never wavering. Then a strange phenomenon occurred. The tough guy blushed. Yeah. He really did, though his eyes never left mine. And that blush changed my whole perspective of Kirk Crenshaw.
Today, across the church, I smiled at him. He smiled back. De ja vu. Only this time, his blush was because a whole danged church full of villagers eyeballed him flirting with me.
I moved down the aisle to a slightly out-of-tune piano’s rendering of the Wedding March, thankful for Daddy’s strong arm to hang on to. Else, I’d surely have tripped over the long gown or turned my ankle in Cal’s danged heels. All those eyes on me terrified me senseless. Scrutiny – my worst scenario. The veil helped me feel a tad hidden, but each step was like those in a nightmare where one is partially paralyzed or mired up in quicksand. Even the lush greenery and white mum arrangements, vivid against the crimson velvet-dressed seats and floors of our little village church, blurred before me.
Then, Callie’s wink caught my attention – her “va va vooom, babyyy” one. And Trish gazed at me so dewy eyed you’d have thought I really was Cinderella in my borrowed Victorian cut finery. Moose – whose tux tugged in all the wrong places – looked ready to burst with joy, furiously swallowing back another yuk-yukk.
Kirk – well, Kirk’s hot look instantly converted my cold fear into anticipation.
Soon, I stood at the altar and Daddy placed my hand in Kirk’s, rushing tears to my eyes as I realized the significance of the gesture. Despite my father’s “under the thumb” controlling disposition, he’d always been a good, caring daddy. At least I knew Daddy, could predict him almost to the T. He was actually giving me away. What – I wondered in a heartbeat of panic – was I trading him for?
Kirk’s strong fingers squeezed mine, almost painfully, revealing his own state of nerves. And a certain danger. Adrenaline shot through me. Now where did that come from? Danger. I sucked in a deep breath, feeling kinda off the wall. Thank God only I knew how off-the-wall I could be. Preacher Hart’s voice moved in and out of my overcast reverie, “….gathered together…join this man and this woman….”
Man and woman…man…Did I really know this man? At times, I was certain I did. At others, I was equally certain I did not.
Mrs. Tilley, the pianist and soloist, burst into Whither Thou Goest, her humongous bosom heaving with emotion, predictably bending my eardrum by going sharp on the high notes. The giggle-button war commenced warbling inside me and I clamped my teeth together and gazed into Kirk’s solemn face for focus. He gazed back, as somber as I’d ever seen him, and I no longer heard the cracked operatic vibrato.
The pastor resumed…“Whom God hath joined together…”
Joined together. My breath hitched and Kirk’s fingers nearly crushed mine.
“I now pronounce you man and wife…”
In the next breath, Kirk was kissing me. No turning back.
The thought flitted through my mind like startled ravens. And was gone.
“I miss Chuck,” I murmured between greeting wedding guests. Kirk gave me a sympathetic hug, knowing how I adored my older brother, whom he’d never met and from whom I’d not heard a word in months—during which I alternately wanted to hug him and slap his blasted face.
MawMaw, Papa, my Uncle Gabe and his wife Jean, a Chapowee girl, embraced Kirk and me in the church fellowship hall and chatted with my stepmother Anne. Papa, Teddybearish in his one and only church-going brown suit and tie, hugged me tightly, then whipped out his brown handkerchief to wipe suspiciously misty blue eyes. MawMaw was gussied up in a new cotton floral dress. Her eyes, so like Mama’s, puddled unashamedly with tears. A moment before leaving, she whispered in my ear, “Now you’uns can come’n see me and Papa, Neecy.”
I nodded, dodging a deeper analysis of my screwed-up family today. “Gabe told me he’d landed a good job at the Enka Plant near Asheville, North Carolina,” I said, brightly changing subjects, “and would be moving there the next week. Sure hate to see him go.” Gabe was my late mom’s only sibling.
“We’ll probably be moving there, too,” rasped MawMaw, emotionally. “Gabe needs lookin’ after, with diabetes and all. Jean works fulltime and I’ll be helpin’ them out all I can.” My heart sagged. Here, just when I’d not need Daddy’s permission to visit them, they were moving two hours away. I felt a bit betrayed. But what with all the wedding festivities, the feeling passed. More than ever, I missed my mom, who’d died when I was eleven, Chuck, fifteen, and Trish, five.
Daddy kept conveniently busy speaking to everybody else except my grandparents – his former in-laws, whom he’d succinctly cut from our lives one week after Mama’s death because MawMaw had spoken ill of him within his children’s hearing. I viciously pushed the thoughts away. I had to pigeonhole my priorities today. Simply had to. I refused to let loved ones’ hateful unforgiveness spoil my wedding day.
“The flowers look so pretty.” I smiled desperately at Kirk and he squeezed my hand. Somehow, he understood. His IRS refund check paid for the floral arrangements. Our wedding was lovely yet inexpensive. Relatives and ladies of Chapowee’s Methodist Church had prepared food for the reception, which was the way of “Mill Hill folk, whose reward for generosity was the change of pace provided by a bona-fide church wedding. Heck, we’d invited nearly the whole danged village.
Daddy and Anne, whom Dad had married in my twelfth year, hugged us. “We waited till the line cleared out,” Anne said, eyes reddened from sentimental tears, surprising me with the depth of her feelings.
“Where’s Grandma and Grandpa Whitman?” I addressed Daddy, knowing full well he’d excuse his own flesh and blood’s flaws, setting my teeth on edge.
“Ma said her rheumatism is acting up. Said to tell you they’re sorry they can’t be here.” Daddy’s gaze begged me to understand. I looked away and quickly moved to another subject, knowing Grandma Whitman always went any danged place she truly wanted to. Knowing, too, that she probably hadn’t sent me that apologetic message.
“Only Chuck’s missing,” I said, almost gratified to see hurt spring to Daddy’s eyes. Almost. In the next breath, I was hugging him, wanting to erase the hurt. Lord have mercy, today, my emotions felt tossed about like dead leaves in a whirlwind.
Chuck, my handsome brother, who left home a mere three years after Mama died to “see the world,” actually to flee Dad’s dominion of him, left the family in a goshawful mess. ‘Course, I couldn’t blame all the mess on him but what part he’d sullied, he’d done a bang-up job. I’d watched them pit wills, my zany, adventurous sibling and my logical dad. Daddy’s trying to tether his impulsive firstborn was like trying to hold on to a squirming, greased pig.
Sad thing was, I knew theirs was a battle neither could win and neither knew how to back off. One wintry day, following another shouting match with Daddy, Chuck quit his mill job and disappeared. I cried for weeks while Daddy ranted and roared until he ran out of steam, then grew eerily quiet. After that, up until this very day, I’d remained Daddy’s primary parental salvation, with him dedicating himself to overseeing every aspect of my life, especially my social diversions, which, during my teens, had peaked.
Today, a part of me rejoiced to escape Daddy’s sometimes suffocating restrictions and accountability. Another tiny part grieved being loosed from that same tight rein, one that included “infinite, tender care and concern.
But only for an instant. On its heels came a rush of joy so great I thought I would surely explode.
“Neece?” Cole appeared at my side in his little white tux with short pants, tugging at my skirt. “Wuv ‘oo,” he whispered, his hazel eyes huge with awe and humility. I loved Anne’s and Daddy’s offspring as though I’d personally birthed him. Had since I’d first laid eyes on him.
I stooped and gathered him in my arms, choking back tears – knowing I’d be leaving him behind. How I’d miss him being there first thing in the morning, seated at the breakfast table, fork in hand, hungrily watching me cook. We hugged fiercely. He puckered and gave me a big juicy kiss on the lips.
“I love you, too, Cole. Thanks for being my ring bearer. You did great!” And he did.
“Hey, buddyroe,” Kirk winked solemnly at him as he returned with cups of punch.
Cole flashed us a huge grin, then scampered to join some cousins at the refreshment table. Though Kirk tried hard to hide it, I knew he was jealous of my close bond with my little brother. He wasn’t unkind to Cole, he simply wasn’t affectionate with him. Thought him “spoiled.” Fact of the matter, Kirk was and still is a territorial ol’ cuss.
It hurt, his coolness to Cole. But Kirk’s good far outweighed his flaws. So I managed to hide my disappointment and take it in stride.
“Come on, you guys!” Callie gestured hugely from the refreshment area, bare toes poking from beneath her blue hem. Well I hope n’ I never… I slowly shook my head, grinning that she’d already shucked her shoes. Cal’s earthiness was unquenchable. “Hey ya’ll!” she bellowed, “Time to cut the cake!”
Cal caught the bridal bouquet, nearly knocking Trish over in her pursuit.
“Not fair,” Trish shrieked, giggling. “She’s already getting married in two weeks.”
“All’s fair in love and war, doncha know? ‘S th’ way the mop flops.” Cal smugly clasped the arrangement to her bosom then shoved it into Roger Denton’s hands. Her fiance flushed magenta and struggled for decorum, as was customary following Cal’s jinks. Even today, after lukewarm congratulations to Kirk and me, Roger’s gaze avoided ours. Only our love for Callie kept Rog and me civil toward one another. Only Kirk’s love for me made him tolerate either of them. Though, I have to hand it to Kirk – he relented for Cal to be in our wedding party, conceding that mine and Cal’s lifelong bonds were unbreakable.
I felt Kirk’s arm slide around my waist and tighten possessively. “Whatcha say we do a disappearing act?” he whispered in my ear, raising goosebumps all over me.
Without so much as a fare-thee-well, he grabbed my hand and we took flight.
CHAPTER TWO
Matrimony pulled me from the quicksand of non-belonging, a thing I’d not fully recognized until I stepped into my own house. And I thought how here, I would keep my own homefires a’burning. My very own.
Here, I belonged.
For though Anne and I developed a close friendship during those last two years under Daddy’s roof, I’d never regressed to my former assured dug-in self. It wasn’t her fault nor Daddy’s; it was simply something altered in me by God only knows what all but, most certainly, what began with Mama’s early death.
I’ll never know if things would’ve been different had Kirk not come along because he did and he gave me the greatest of all gifts: strong arms to hold me and this home called ours.
“Hey!”
I blinked my eyes, irritated at Kirk’s fingers snapping at the end of my nose as I gazed mistily through our window into a dusky blue-gray sky whose horizon slowly oozed peach and crimson. I jerked the venetian blind string to, first, close out the world and second, to vent my annoyance at his fingers’ abrupt snap that always exploded over me, setting off my high-strung nerves.
“Where were you just now?” he asked, taking off his black tux coat, his heavy-lidded eyes glimmering with what I thought was amusement but suddenly realized was more. We’d chosen to forgo other choices to spend our honeymoon here, in our little village dwelling, only a couple of blocks from Daddy and Anne.
“Hmm?” he persisted in his velvety roughness and began to undress me with fumbling gentleness. I promptly assisted him.
“I was thinking about the wedding – ” My voice caught when his hands boldly touched my skin in formerly forbidden places. Next thing I knew, we were between new white sheets, naked together for the first time, glorying in freedom, in the rightness of it all and we began to laugh, hugging and rocking back and forth, side to side, kissing and laughing and kissing… until the laughter stopped and primitive urges, long, long denied, emerged.
Kirk stopped and gazed down at me. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
In answer, I pulled his head down and kissed him. The discomfort I felt soon gave way to the excitement of unfolding wonders and because of Kirk’s tender concern, the consummation would not be completed until later that evening.
Instead, he playfully tugged me from the bed. “Get dressed, woman. Cook me some dinner.”
We quickly pulled on cut-off shorts and matching white and Crimson Chapowee High pullovers and, excited as three-year-olds, invaded our sparkling, sunny-colored kitchen with its free-standing white cabinet and chrome and yellow dinette set, pulled out shiny new pots and pans and commenced cooking a fantastic dinner.
Kirk peeled potatoes and sliced them for potato salad, his first cooking venture. I showed off my fluffy buttermilk biscuits, lumpless gravy – learned at age nine from MawMaw – and crispy, juicy Southern fried chicken, compliments of Anne’s tutelage. We topped off the meal with Kirk’s favorite dessert, Banana Pudding with golden toasted meringue icing.
As I put dishes in a sink full of hot soapy water, I felt Kirk move to stand behind me, wrapping me in his arms, his hands doing magical things to my bosom. “Kirk!” My breath caught in my throat as he smoothly turned me into his arms and up against his arousal.
He kissed me deeply, leaving me breathless and clutching at him.
“I never knew,” he muttered huskily, “that flour on your nose could be so sexy.”
“Mmmm.” I rubbed against him. “That move is pretty sexy, too.”
He looked into my eyes, his turning dark as the night. “Let’s go see,” his voice was raspy as a corn cob, “what we can do about it.”
The kitchen became our home’s hub, where we relaxed and chatted, listening to Fats or Johnny Mathis while delectable aromas wafted from the oven and frying pan. It was during those lingering intimate moments that we began to delve past yet another layer of self.
Each day brought surprises. Kirk gazed at my bowl across the dinette, clearly shocked. “You mean you eat sugar and cream on your oatmeal?”
“You mean you don’t?” I shot back, equally astonished at his mound topped only with butter. After a moment of silent impasse, we burst into laughter. Kirk later divulged that the Crenshaw’s plain oatmeal was to spare the expense of sugar. Nor did they drink milk in their coffee for the same reason. I began to really see the Crenshaw’s poverty level.
Food made togetherness ours. The morning hours, before Kirk went to his second-shift mill job, passed swiftly because we slept late and ate brunches concocted with creative zeal, anything from sausage and pancakes to pot roast and potatoes, didn’t matter, it was all fun and adventure.
Today was beef stew we’d cooked from a Good Housekeeping cookbook, a shower present of mine. “It’s delicious,” I spooned the last bite from my plate.
“It’s great,” Kirk agreed, sipping his ever-present coffee contentedly. “Though I’d like to let it simmer for another twenty minutes next time.”
“Think so?”
“Yeah. Needs to tenderize just a mite more.”
“Mmm.” I smiled at him.
He leaned forward on his elbows, gazing at me as though seeing something for the first time. “What’s behind that smile?” he asked, genuinely curious.
“Oh…just that everything is so perfect.” I drew on my iced tea glass and sighed. “You’ll never know how much it means to me to have a place that’s truly mine. It’s hard to explain.”
Kirk reached across the table and took my hands in his. “I love you so much, honey,” he murmured, frowning with the effort to verbalize his feelings. “The fact that you didn’t have a mother to care for you made me love you even more.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, growing a tad uncomfortable with the pity I heard in his voice. “I guess I did okay, considering.” I thought of sad-eyed Trish – then pushed away the thought.
Kirk’s laser turquoise eyes pinned me with a look I’d seen sporadically – an unreadable, dissecting gaze that did not let up simply because I grew fidgety. “Anne…” he hesitated, uncertain, then forged ahead, “Anne’s okay – least she’s been nice to me. But she doesn’t treat you and Trish like she does her own kid.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” I said, desperate to dispel his claim. “Cole’s a baby and – ”
“Look,” Kirk held up a hand. “Let’s just drop the subject. You don’t want to see…”
“I think we should drop the subject.” I gave Kirk an appealing look and reached for his hand.
His large, beautiful square fingers curled with mine. “I’m sorry, honey,” he said. “I don’t mean to hurt you. Ever.”
“It’s just that – Kirk, family is so important to me. And it seems that those most important to me – I lose them.” I shrugged awkwardly, fighting back tears.
“What if you had a family like mine?” Kirk’s eyes glimmered suddenly with dark humor. “A sot for a daddy and a mama who doesn’t see anything but her misery? And brothers and sisters who wouldn’t spit on each other if they were all on fire. Living in a house where Christmas went by unnoticed.” He chortled. “I’d have died for just a box of chocolate-covered cherries, y’know? God a’mighty, I love those things. And there were never any hugs or ‘I love yous.’ We just survived. Yanked up by the hair o’the head. You want to talk about mess, we’ll talk about mess.”
We both cracked up. That always did it when I got soppy and sentimental about things I couldn’t change. Kirk could always dredge up down-dirty real scenarios from his life, which were infinitely more desperate than anything I’d ever experienced.
“Anyway,” he spoke as he moved around the table, took my hand and pulled me up and into his arms, “this – us – we’re family now. And I won’t leave you. I’ll always be here for you, Neecy,”
“And I’ll always be here for you, Kirk. You’ll never have another Christmas without chocolate-covered “cherries. That’s a promise.”
… Continued…
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KND Freebies: COOCH by Robert Cook is featured in today’s Free Kindle Nation Shorts excerpt
Assassination Thrillers
Think “Lee Child’s Jack Reacher meets David Baldacci’s John Puller… on steroids.”
There’s a new special-ops hero in town
and he has it all —
brawn, brains, looks, cool —
and his own deadly brand of violence.
He’s Alejandro Mohammed “Cooch” Cuchalain and he’s out to get the bad guys in this
action-packed national security thriller.
Cooch
by Robert Cook
Alejandro Mohammed Cuchulain, called Cooch or Alex, became a Marine at sixteen and a CIA special-operations trainee at 17. His father is a wheel-chair bound former Marine and Medal of Honor winner who gives Alex advice as to how to survive in a violent world. His mother is the daughter of a Bedouin sheikh who sends a young Alex off, during his summer breaks, to experience the Bedouin life. The combination of a very young start in learning the art and craft of violence, combined with a thirst for knowledge combine to help him to become both a noted designer and user of explosives and an expert in Islamic affairs.
Violent, yet thoughtful, Cooch represents the best in fast-moving, popular thrillers.
5-star praise for Cooch:
Fabulous fast-paced action!
“…a great addition to my collection of government action thrillers…the story will hook you…”
Cooch is a kick!
“…a refreshing new look at a smart, calculating, good looking, and, yes—deadly hero who defends the United States against any and all bad guys. And he does it before they know what hit them!…Lots of action and lots of fun!”
an excerpt from
Cooch
by Robert Cook
Alex and Caitlin were back in Choppers, once again in business clothes in a booth at the corner of the room. Billy was nowhere to be seen, and Caitlin had nearly finished her beer. The nachos proved nearly inedible. Bouncers converged on a bearded drunk who was standing behind a girl with his hands cupped over her breasts, pretending to dance as she fought and scratched at him over her shoulder. Caitlin said, “This is disgusting. I’m done proving whatever I was proving to myself. I’m going to the ladies room. I’ll see you outside.”
Alex waved for the waitress as Caitlin slid from the booth and walked away. When she finally waddled over, he handed her thirty dollars then turned to walk toward the restrooms and the exit. There was some sort of fuss at the door. As he got closer, it faded to the outside and he walked into the men’s room behind a biker in full black leather regalia. When he stepped back into the hallway, Caitlin was not there. He felt a faint tug of alarm. He pushed the door to the women’s room partly opened and said loudly, “Caitlin, you okay?” There was no answer. He stepped partway inside. There were two women at the sinks, but no Caitlin. He ducked to look under the toilet stall doors. No feet. He could feel the familiar sensation of adrenaline rushing into his body.
“You looking for a tall blonde in a suit? A looker?” one of the women asked, as she glanced at him in the mirror.
“Yes. You see her?” he said.
“She left a couple of minutes ago with a bunch of bikers,” she said. “Didn’t seem real happy about it.”
Alex spun and raced outside. The street was empty except for one Harley at the curb. Just then the biker from the john hurried out, pulling keys from his pocket and moving to his machine, a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth.
Alex walked over to the biker, and just as he looked up, Cuchulain grabbed the man’s nose between the knuckles of his index and middle fingers and twisted sharply, breaking it. He dropped his hand and snatched the cigarette from the man’s mouth, as he grabbed the front of his shirt and rushed him to the outside wall of the bar and banged his back against the old bricks, hard.
“Where did they take the girl?’ Cuchulain demanded.
The biker sprayed blood on him as he spoke. “Fuck you, asshole.”
“I don’t have a lot of time,” Alex snarled. He pushed the lit end of the cigarette into the man’s cheek for a second, and the smell of burnt flesh filled the air. When the scream ended, he pushed the cigarette within an eighth-inch of the biker’s eye, singeing the eyelashes from the lid. “You’ll be blind in ten seconds if you don’t tell me, then I’ll dig around in the sockets. Believe it.”
The biker was suddenly aware that his feet were not touching the ground; that he was being held in the air against the wall with one hand while the other held the cigarette. His cheek felt on fire and urine was burning down his right leg. He quickly blurted the address. Alex slapped him on the forehead with the heel of his hand, bouncing the biker’s head against the wall; the cigarette fluttered to the sidewalk.
Cuchulain grabbed the keys from the hand of the falling, unconscious man and jumped onto the motorcycle, kicked it to life and accelerated down the street, necktie flapping wildly behind him.
The cooling motorcycle engines were still ticking when Alex jumped from the bike and ran to the door, just as a roar of approval and laughter went up from inside. A large man in a black t-shirt and dirty jeans stepped in front of him, blocking his way as he stuck a hand in Alex’s chest. “Beat it, asshole,” he said. “This is a private club.”
Cuchulain grabbed the hand with his left, just below the wrist, then gave it a hard snap up and out, breaking the wrist, as he stepped under the raised arm and drove his right elbow down and back into the guard’s lower back, just above the belt on his right side, then again. Cuchulain reached down quickly, and pulled the man’s thighs back from just above the knees so that his face was driven to the pavement with a resounding thunk. As Cuchulain reached for the door, he snapped a kick into the man’s left ear. The door was unlocked and Cuchulain stepped inside. O’Connor was being held in a chair by two men, bare breasts exposed, while Billy, the leader, had his penis out from the fly of his dirty Levi’s, four inches from her terrified, furious face.
“Hey, Whoa!” Alex yelled.
The room went quiet as heads snapped to see the intruder. Billy’s face lit up in a delighted grin. “Well, if ain’t the fuckin’ pansy. This is my lucky day! You can referee a gangbang—me first. You know, pick out who gets to fuck her next, make sure no one goes twice before everyone goes once and all that shit. By tomorrow, we’ll be starting to wear out, and might even give you a little. But first, I want a little blowjob from Blondie. I sort of promised it to my buddy here,” he leered, pulling the foreskin up and back. “If she bites me, I’ll just knock her teeth out and try again.”
Alex said loudly, “I don’t think so. That would be really dumb. There will be cops everywhere, and you guys are in enough trouble already. For what?” He looked around at the gang, assessing them. He quickly settled on a small, wiry man with very still eyes and a telltale easy balance. He knew the type.
Cuchulain eased toward him and spoke again. “I’ll tell you what. You guys are supposed to be the baddest asses in New York. What if I arm wrestle two of you at once for the girl? If you win, you keep the girl and no cops. If I win, we walk. It would save you a ton of hassle with the cops. You know that I can’t beat two of you, so why not? I gotta do something! Deal?”
Ignoring the others, he looked steadily at the small, quiet man who looked around and then said, “What if we all fuck her, beat the living shit out of you, and toss you both in an alley somewhere? We’ll just give you both some pills that Billy bought down in Mexico, where you can’t remember shit about what happened lately. What then? Cops? You won’t remember enough to make a decent witness.” The room was quiet as the other bikers turned to look at Alex.
“No, slick. You get me,” Alex said coldly.
The small man felt a surge of recognition and imminent danger. The quiet eyes moved over Cuchulain again, assessing him, noting the familiar combat balance, feeling himself sink involuntarily into a defensive posture as cold hostility oozed from Cuchulain’s eyes. The flesh on the outside edges of Cuchulain’s eyes began to bunch and extend, giving him the facial cast of a hooded cobra. Breath whistled loudly from his nostrils. The small man pulled up his right sleeve and bared a veined, muscular forearm. The distinctive beer can logo of the Navy’s Seals was tattooed on the inner arm, starting to fade, but unmistakable.
“I used to be in the Navy. The name’s Dodd. Do I know you?”
Alex smiled coldly. “I need something from my right pocket, Okay?”
Dodd reached behind his vest and swung out a small, stainless steel automatic. He clicked the safety off, thumbed the hammer back and pointed the pistol directly at Alex’s navel and said. “Do it very slowly.”
Cuchulain reached slowly into his right trouser pocket and pulled out a half-dollar coin. He offered it to the small man.
Dodd nodded in recognition, lowered the pistol and said, “No. I heard about this. I just gotta see it.”
Alex held the half-dollar in front of him, at eye height, showing it to the crowd. Then he positioned his thumb on the bottom of the coin and his middle and index finger on the top. He began to squeeze. As he increased the pressure, veins swelled across his hand and the skin pad between his thumb and forefinger humped slowly up like a ragged tumor. The room was still, except for the noise of Cuchulain’s breathing.
The coin began to bend, then slowly fold.
Cuchulain’s hand was now quivering visibly, and his forearm had swollen to stretch tight his suit jacket sleeve. Then the coin folded in half.
“Jeeesus Christ!” one of the bikers exclaimed softly.
Cuchulain casually flipped the folded coin at Dodd’ right shoulder and shifted his weight toward him. The pistol came back up as Dodd snatched the coin out of the air with his left hand. “Nice try.” he said. “But I still got it. And I still got you. But I know who you are.”
Alex waited.
Dodd said, “I’m tempted. You know we can’t just let you go. What happens if we just waste you now? No fuss. You know I got you, don’t you? And there’s twenty of us.”
Cuchulain nodded. “You have me. I might not even get you. But I probably would. Probably Billy, too, and three or four others when I take your gun. For sure I wouldn’t get all of you. ”
Dodd smiled faintly. “And?”
“And you get everyone here dead. Fast. No cops. No jury. Just dead. Probably more than a bit of pain for you if it’s convenient. But dead.”
“By?” Dodd asked.
Cuchulain smiled. Now he had Dodd. “The Horse, Jerome Masterson, lives in town here,” he said. “You know about him and me, and the folks that the two of us know well. Lieutenant Elliot is here, too. He owes me from a Middle East operation. You just might know him.”
Dodd shifted, as memory rushed in. “Yeah, Lebanon. You saved his ass. I missed that one. Lieutenant Elliot, huh? He ain’t no prize; he’s meaner than a fuckin’ cottonmouth.” He looked around at the gang. They were getting restless and stealing glances at Caitlin’s bare breasts, thinking about their turns.
He said softly to Cuchulain, “Okay, I’m in. But I don’t think they’re going to buy it—won’t believe me. We may have to kill some—probably will. Shit!” He raised his eyebrows in a question.
“Try to sell us walking. If it won’t go, sell the arm wrestling. Lacking that, I’ll take the Colt from the guy behind you and we’ll nail eight or ten. After I kill Billy; go to one knee and work from the right. Head shots. Killing a few more should end it, and the cops will be here by then. That should end it. I’ll handle the mess. Anyone looking for you?”
“The cops in a few cities have my prints and would like to find me; same with DEA,” Dodd said. “You sure about the arm wrestling? There’s some big fuckers here, and I don’t want the shooting to start.”
Cuchulain nodded, “Sell it.”
Dodd shifted back slightly, turning to the group, keeping his right arm hanging down and slightly behind him.
“Listen up, guys!” he said. “I know about this guy. A lot of Seals say that he’s the baddest motherfucker that ever lived, and you guys know that there’s a bunch of mean motherfuckers among us. He is truly a badass.”
Alex stepped back a little, as he chose his target if the balloon went up. He’d need a gun and shifted slightly toward a fat, bearded man with the checkered wooden grips of a Colt .45 automatic sticking up from his belt. The hammer was down and the thumb safety on; Alex would have the gun and take out his throat before the man could ever get his gun into action.
Dodd said, “Our lives won’t be worth a shit if we don’t let him and her go. Trust me on that. And if we kill him, ten or fifteen bodaciously bad guys are coming for us. Gloves off. They wouldn’t dream of using their fists if they could easier shoot or knife you in the back. They’ll have machine guns, explosives, sniper rifles—all that shit. It won’t be pretty, and none of us will live through it. For sloppy sevenths on a piece of ass? And can you imagine the fucking cops? They’re already like flies on shit around here!”
Billy bellowed, “That’s bullshit! I told her what I was going to do and I’m gonna do it! This is prime pussy, and that pansy don’t look so bad to me. If I wasn’t fucked up from spilling my bike the other day, I’d take him myself. You don’t run this fuckin’ gang, Dodd, I do!”
Dodd sighed as some of the men nodded at Billy’s speech. “Look, Billy, there’s a bunch of us that don’t want to see the cops or the feds up close,” he said. “You’re left handed. Why don’t you arm wrestle him for it? You’re messed up for a fight, but there’s nothing wrong with your left arm. Besides, no one has ever beaten you but Bubba, and no one beats Bubba. We’re getting enough shit from the cops already. It wouldn’t be good for business.”
Billy looked startled, and then the ends of his lips curled up in a cruel, wolfish smile. “Fuck that! He said he wants two at once, and I want the girl. He gets Bubba and Kevin while me and one-eye take a rest so’s we have lots of energy for later. Whichever one slams the pansy’s arm down first gets seconds on the pussy after me. The loser gets the second blow job.”
Dodd took control quickly. “Deal!” he said. “Let’s get a table cleared and some chairs over here.”
Alex jerked his tie down and unbuttoned the top three buttons on his shirt, giving him access to the throwing knife that always hung at his back, just below his collar. If things went bad, Billy would find himself with it buried in his throat. Cuchulain pulled his jacket off and threw it over a chair backed to the wall and stood, casually rolling his shirtsleeves, waiting and assessing the crowd for the ones who could be trouble. Caitlin watched him, her eyes wide and her jaw hanging slack, oblivious of her naked breasts.
Alex moved his chair across the wall to the table and waited. Bubba and Kevin brought out chairs and sat down, grinning at Cuchulain. Bubba had long, shaggy hair and a ragged beard, tangled with the remnants of the past few days’ meals. He was well over six feet and enormously fat, probably weighing upwards of three hundred pounds. He put a huge arm on the table, hawked his throat and spat a brownish wad of phlegm on Alex’s shirt, just splattering the edge of his tie. There was a large tattoo on the inside of Bubba’s huge forearm that spelled out “Eat Shit!” in Old English letters. Kevin was a bodybuilder, and a big one. He had acne and his hair was sparse, but the steroids had given him enviable bulk.
Alex dropped into the chair and put his upper arms on the table, with his veined and pulsing forearms vertical and shoulder width apart. Then he began to focus his energy. He felt his local awareness fade as he focused his conscious being into a core of energy just beneath his navel, feeling as if each molecule of his being was rushing to one central repository, then waiting to be dispatched. The sound of his breath whistled even louder through his nose.
Dodd said, “Okay. Get them lined up, and I’m going to count to three. On three, go for it.”
Alex was barely aware as Kevin and Bubba lined up. As they each clasped a hand and bore down with their grip, Cuchulain was only peripherally aware that he was countering their force. He heard Dodd at a distance, say, “One, two …” Cuchulain released his energy just before Dodd said three, driving every ounce of his being into his hands in a single, furious contraction. He felt both their hands collapse, then yield under his sudden onslaught; the sound of snapping bones could be heard in the room. Alex slammed both their hands across his chest to the table and stood, then casually grabbed Bubba by the front of his hair and smashed his face into the table, twice. It had taken less than ten seconds. He folded his jacket over his arm.
“I think we will be leaving now, gentlemen,” he said, and turned toward Caitlin.
You cheated,” one biker yelled. “You went before three!”
“Sit down, asshole,” Cuchulain said coldly. “You go on three and I’ll go on six. Then I’ll rip your arm off at the shoulder.”
“Fuck you,” the biker yelled. “Why don’t you just get the hell out of here?”
Alex nodded and walked swiftly toward Caitlin. The gang was momentarily stunned by the vision of Kevin and Bubba still at the table, each holding a mangled hand, moaning softly as the swelling started and blood began to pool around Bubba’s twitching face.
“Bullshit!” Billy yelled as he stepped in front of Cuchulain, pulling his fist back. Cuchulain stepped in quickly and used his huge neck to slam his forehead into Billy’s nose and eyes; he felt nose and cheekbones collapse and eye sockets crack and crumble an instant later. The web of his left hand slammed into Billy’s Adam’s apple and his thumb closed on the carotid artery, shutting off the blood supply to his brain. Cuchulain drove his right hand deep into Billy’s crotch, squeezing his penis and testicles through his jeans. He began to rip, focusing on delivering all the power that he could generate. The sound of denim tearing pierced the silent room. As Alex felt resistance there collapse, he began to twist as he squeezed, feeling flesh and tendons ripping and releasing. As Billy lost consciousness, Cuchulain bent his knees to lower him to the floor, his head up as he watched the gang. When he stood, he was holding Billy’s pistol. The snap of the safety being released by Cuchulain’s right thumb was eerily loud in the room. He worked the slide on the automatic once, and a cartridge tumbled noisily across the dirty floor. He turned and reached for Caitlin, looking coldly at the two men holding her, who stepped back quickly. Cuchulain draped his jacket over her shoulders and led her to the door. He nodded at Dodd just before he stepped out and pulled the door closed.
Outside, Cuchulain stepped hard on the inert guard’s neck as he grabbed Caitlin’s arm and guided her. He engaged the safety on Billy’s pistol and slid it behind his belt at the small of his back. They were almost at a run as they left the alley and moved down the street and around the corner, Cuchulain waving to an approaching cab with its “on duty” light on. He opened the door and pushed her inside, almost roughly, then moved in beside her. He gave the cabbie his home address, then put his arm around Caitlin. She was already shaking, and her teeth were beginning to chatter.
“Just take it easy,” he said. “It’s over now. We’re going to my place.”
“No, I want to go back to my room. I want to be alone!”
Cuchulain shook his head and turned to her on the ragged seat. “Listen to me, Caitlin. This is the worst possible time for you to be alone. You could go into shock. Someone has to keep an eye on you, and that’s going to be me. We’re going to my place.”
“I am in no mood for romance, Cuchulain. Okay?” she chattered.
“I promise,” he said.
They took the elevator to his apartment. It was sparsely but expensively furnished, with the look of a place done by a decorator and seldom touched since. The exception was two floor-to-ceiling bookcases full of volumes and a small desk that held a dual computer setup with neatly stacked papers around it. A large oil painting on the living room wall depicted a group of fishermen in a traditional boat, pulling in nets at sunrise under the shaded mass of Gibraltar. On the stand beside a reclining reading chair was a worn leather-bound copy of the Quran with a yellowed ivory bookmark placed partway through.
Cuchulain led her to the couch and said, “I’ll get some blankets and make some tea. Tea’s good in this situation. Maybe a drink later.”
She wrapped her arms around herself, shivering. “A drink now! A big drink!”
He walked quickly to the bedroom and came back with two wool blankets and a towel. He wrapped the blankets around her, tucking them tight, then smoothed the towel across her lap, pushing a little dent in the middle. Caitlin seemed a little startled and curious by the towel, but said nothing.
“I’ll get the drinks,” Alex said.
He came back with two glasses of cognac and the bottle. “Sip this,” he said, handing her one glass with a light portion of cognac poured into it. He sat beside her and sipped on his own glass, waiting for her to give him a hint as to how to distract her from the evening’s events.
Caitlin tipped up her glass and drained it, then shuddered. “Oh, my God, Alex. I’m still terrified,” she said, shaking. “I’ve never been that afraid before, or that furious. I’m also sorry that I didn’t kick that asshole in the balls as we walked out! That was just awful! I hate that those animals exist.”
“They’ve been around since the beginning, Caitlin. Society just doesn’t let them out that often, at least in this country,” Alex said, happy that she had picked a topic familiar to him. “More of them were in Nazi Germany, Kosovo, and Bosnia-Herzegovina lately than elsewhere, but they’re always around. There’s still a bunch in the Middle East.”
“With all of our technology and power, why can’t we just get rid of people like that?” Caitlin fumed.
“I’ve thought a lot about that,” Alex said. “I don’t know of a politician, alive or dead, that could be trusted with the power to accomplish that, if even we could do it. Politicians are, by my definition, megalomaniacs to some degree, and most of them care only about money and votes. Those bikers tonight were one form of villain, but religious fanatics are worse, because they think that they can both interpret and enforce the word and the will of God—to their personal benefit of course. I think we should just kill the leaders of those sociopaths, one by one. Their followers will disappear with no piper to follow.”
Caitlin snorted. “I don’t think they know the first thing about God, or what she thinks!” she said, throwing up suddenly, and barely catching the foul mass in the towel on her lap.
‘Sorry,” she said. “That came from nowhere. Gross!”
Cuchulain held his hands in front of her so that she could see them shaking. “It’s part of the adrenaline depletion,” he said. “Try to relax and take your mind away from tonight. It will make things seem more normal, and you’ll recover faster. It happens to everyone.”
“This is what happens when you’re scared, and I was scared, too,” he said.
He sat for a few seconds sipping his drink, then started to push the conversation back to something distracting. “I sometimes have nightmares about Torquemada returning in modern form,” he said. “People should study the Spanish Inquisition to see what happens when vast power is granted to religious fanatics. It’s a shame no one killed him early.”
‘So, if you’ve thought about this a lot, what’s the right answer?” she asked, studying him, still shaking.
“Darned if I know,” he chuckled. “I guess if I’ve reached any tentative conclusion at all, it’s that we should worry about our own country first, and then the others—and pick off the bad guys’ leaders, one at a time. Without us the world could once again become a real cesspool—and quickly. It’s happening slowly anyhow, it seems to me.”
The images of the evening suddenly came back to Caitlin. She turned quickly to Cuchulain, the blanket falling from her shoulders. She pulled his jacket around her ripped blouse. “When you came through that door, I was so proud of you for coming in there to defend me from those animals, but I knew that you were going to be hurt very badly, if not killed,” she said. “I don’t even want to think about all of those fucking vermin above me, humping and pumping, one after the other. How did you know what to do? Your behavior seemed so bizarre, but it worked!”
He sat for a second and took another sip of his cognac. “Bizarre behavior freaks people out and limits what they think they can do. I stunned them with it until I lucked out enough to find a guy who knew me a little; my face change helps to create bizarre when I’m excited.”
Caitlin sat silent for several moments, wrapping the blanket more tightly around her shoulders, still shivering. “Yes, you looked like a fucking snake, and I hate snakes! But how did he know you? Who are you that he said, and I quote, ‘He is the baddest motherfucker in the whole world?’”
Alex sat silent for awhile, then said, “I was an active Marine for quite a while—eight years, in fact. I told you about it, briefly. I was good at it. Dodd had been a Navy Seal, and he just knew me, or knew about me. I have unusually strong hands, as you saw, and that kind of word gets around.”
She sat thinking for a while longer, as the shivering subsided. She took the bottle from the table and poured another full glass of cognac and drank half of it. “I thought that I was going to be humiliated and debased. I was terrified—I was consumed with fury! I wanted so badly to kill them, but had no way to do it. They are such a bunch of worthless pigs! And then you came in—and I was afraid for you.”
“But I didn’t need to be, did I Alex?” Caitlin said. “That reptilian little man was afraid of you, wasn’t he? You had it under control, didn’t you?”
Alex sighed, and said, “No, Caitlin. I didn’t have it under control. I just worked with what I had, and I got lucky. But thank you for being afraid for me. It could have gotten very ugly, very quickly.”
“And that little man wasn’t afraid of you?” she said.
“He was wary, not afraid,” Alex said. “He had heard about me when he was a Seal. Because of what he had heard, he believed what I told him, and didn’t like the odds.”
“Jesus Christ!” she said. “You told him that Brooks Elliot and some horse person would kill them all if they didn’t let us go. And he believed you! Was it true?”
Alex gave the shrug she had seen before. “Who knows? They probably would have tried, and I can’t imagine that a bunch of hoods like that would have stood much of a chance against them. Dodd knew that.”
“Who the hell are you, Cuchulain? You force your way into my life, and I think that you’re a nice, good-natured guy with a great body and a good mind, who happens to own a bunch of my stock. And God, I was worried that you were a fucking wimp! You’re clearly a lot more than that, and a lot of what you seem to be is disturbing to me. I didn’t even know that people like you existed; you were like an animal, and your face got really spooky—not that I wasn’t glad to have you there tonight, but God, you’re not what I thought. You were probably some kind of killer or something, trained by the government, and Brooks was probably one, too. Again, who the hell are you?”
And how did you get this way? she asked herself.
… Continued…
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In Little Book of God, Jerry Pollock takes readers on an illuminating journey into the powerful possibilities of merging
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Little Book Of God: Merging Science with God
by Jerry Pollock
The greatest unresolved mystery in the history of our world is GOD. Little Book Of God: Merging Science With God resolves this mystery, using concepts so uniquely bold, provocative, and original that the reader can’t help but feel he or she has been gently tapped over the head with a sledgehammer.
Dr. Jerry Pollock pokes away at our human brain and Divine soul intelligence by not so subtly attempting to empower us to accept the author’s inevitable conclusions that God is the Master Scientist and we, the human race, are God’s experiment. Within the pages of Little Book of God, God’s untold story emerges. God is the big bang. God is the universe. God is space itself and is the unseen energy field that brings life to elementary particles which in turn bring life to all evolutionary species. God is the Chi, the life force of all existence.
In Little Book of God, our Creator is portrayed as limitless forms of ever expanding Energy that are trillions to quadrillions of times greater than any one human being. God is depicted as timeless, the ancient One, all knowing and all powerful. God did not simply create our universe at a prehistoric time when only He existed. God represents an organizing intelligence that is responsible for the being of us all. He preplanned the entirety of our world in advance. Only He didn’t tell us, so that human beings would have the thrill of making their own new discoveries. God gave each of us Divine soul Energy which like oxygen is essential to life. He calculated in a fail-safe future world where we shall live forever in harmony with our fellow spiritual human beings and with nature and where time and timelessness impossibly exist together.
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God and science explained
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an excerpt from
Little Book of God
by Jerry Pollock
1
Prologue
Each time it’s been the same. I’m certain that I’m going to die and then it’s an unexpected surprise when I don’t. It was only years later that I understood that it was God Who had intervened in my life in those close-to-death experiences and saved me.
Once I should have been dead from swallowing two hundred pills and I survived. Marcia was having lunch forty-five minutes away with our daughter Erin and after they had just ordered, she stood up from the table and said, “We have to go. Something is wrong with dad.” The firefighters came and the doctors at the hospital pumped my stomach and told Marcia that it would be forty-eight to seventy-two hours to know whether I would live or succumb.
Another time my mother tried to kill me in an abortion attempt in her womb and I felt God’s Energy protecting me from being swallowed up like my twin. In the birth canal I felt her crushing my head, neck, and shoulders, trying to hold me back in a desperate attempt to prevent me from being born.
A third time I fell asleep at the wheel while returning in the wee hours of the morning from a date in college. I awoke to find myself ready to crash into a cement wall which was immediately in front of me. My car at the very last moment impossibly swerved and should have flipped over. Yet it stopped half way on its side and righted itself. I do recall how I was shaking but I don’t remember acting solely on my own to avoid the wall.
I would like to believe that God has kept me alive for a purpose. Perhaps my purpose has been to remain here on earth so that I could write God’s untold story and share it with you.
My first real connection with God came in 1982, forty years after my birth while I was living alone, separated from my wife in a summer cottage on Long Island. I twice heard God’s Voice. Up until then I was not aware of God’s presence. His Voice came to me once more at the end of 1998 together with other miraculous experiences, all of which propelled me to begin my spiritual journey.
The road has been bumpy and often I have wondered where the road was going or whether I was worthy enough to be traveling on it. After fifteen years of climbing uphill, I realize that the road I chose is the only one that would lead me to my spiritual destiny—understanding God’s Essence. Often on my journey there seemed to be no end in sight; yet once I started my spiritual climb, there was a force inside me that would not allow me to turn back.
The way life turned out for me with the loss of my soul mate, Marcia, the road has had me as its solitary traveler. I have given up much in my devotion to God. Some of my family members have not understood my spiritual journey and it has interfered with our love.
I would not recommend traveling on my road to anyone else; yet I must continue my journey because I believe with all my heart that Heaven has led me in its direction.
I caution you to be aware that the more you pursue God, the more demanding God is of you, especially if you wish to stand on the highest rungs of His spiritual ladder. Marcia believed “God Is,” and she didn’t need to know anything more about God. I accept what Marcia said as truth but for whatever reason, call it my destiny as I refer to it, I just can’t let go and get off my road.
Traveling the road has forever changed me. Initially my spiritual writings were for myself. Then gradually they became for the sake of Heaven. Now with the writing of this small book, my reason seems to be to share with you the reader or listener what I feel I know about God based upon my life experiences and my background as a scientific researcher.
God certainly doesn’t need me to write a book about Him. He will tell you Himself in His own time. If God does take to the public stage of life once again, as He did back in biblical times, then I am quite happy to throw this book into the fire when He sets the record straight. I will only praise and thank God that this lonely road will come to a dead end and I can finally rest.
The book is not meant to offend you or change your personal beliefs about God. It is meant simply to offer new ways of looking further inside of the little that we do know about Him. What I have written may be totally wrong but after fifteen years of thinking about Him, my gleanings are the only sensible way for me to understand the Essence of God. My insights may not turn out to be adequate explanations for you and that’s perfectly fine by me. God gave all of us Free Will to decide for ourselves on all matters, including belief or disbelief in Him.
I consider God to be not only the Master Creator but also the Master Scientist. His scientific mastery of the world is only possible because God is in His Essence composed of special electromagnetic, all powerful Energy. Before writing this book I placed the word, “God,” into the Google Search Engines, because I was curious to know how many websites around the world would come up on my computer screen. There were 1,680,000,000 which was higher than any famous person, living or dead.
The strange thing is that no one has ever seen God, one reason being that God is not human. If He has been masquerading as one of us here on earth, we haven’t been privy to meeting Him. Someone, somewhere, at sometime has seen everyone else on the planet that we would consider famous.
Back in biblical times thirty-three hundred years ago when God was on the public stage, and not hither and there behind the scenes as He is today, we heard stories of God talking with Moses and the 600,000 plus ancient Israelites at the time of the giving of the Ten Commandments. In the Bible, God even talks to animals like the Serpent in the Garden of Eden or the sperm whale that temporarily swallowed up the prophet Jonah.
Mentally ill or normal, there are those of us who will claim to have heard the Voice of God or have spoken with Him. Can any of us including myself prove that they indeed did? My answer is NO, since God has not verified the conversation.
Furthermore, who’s to say that the voice people claimed they were hearing was actually God’s, rather than some evil impersonator who had the power to “get into their thoughts” and even carry on full conversations with them? God did create evil in this world and evil continues to amass its own power by corrupting willing souls.
Is it not odd that in modern times there are no known voice recordings available of God’s Voice? Nor are there any visual documented sightings of His presence, except in biblical times where these sightings were not noted for posterity. Today because of the cameras on cell phones, no malicious or miraculous event is sacred from scrutiny. The only visible undocumented evidence of God was back in biblical times when God appeared as a pillar of fire or a pillar of cloud.
God Himself tells us in the Bible, “No one can see My ‘face,’ lest they die.” How can God have a “face,” if He’s not human? As we shall learn in this book, God has limitless Energy which can be shaped into a human face, a human being, the neck of the giraffe, or a beautiful rainbow. Note that the Bible cites passages describing angels who can turn themselves into humans. Angels are a special form of God’s Energy.
My search for God through science makes me sound like an atheist. I assure you that I’m not. I’m a mediocre, flawed man, a good but not outstanding scientist, who has an unshakable love of, belief in, and trust in God, and a burning desire to understand Him. What I describe to you in the pages to follow are my insights on what I have discovered on my spiritual quest to understand God and to give back to Him for the blessings of Divine miracles that He has bestowed upon me.
Over the years I have progressed spiritually by following God’s Ten Commandments and becoming righteous in His “eyes” , gradually improving my character to correct the wrongs that I caused. As best I can I have tried balancing my ego with my desire to be connected to Heaven, as God becomes more and more the central focus of my being. I have experienced much in my life of 72 years. In the writing of this book, I’d like, as I stated, to bring you a fresh original look at Who God is, How He has accomplished what He has, and What He has planned for us in the future.
If I’m going to tell you some of God’s untold story, I need to go beyond what we already know about Him and show you His Essence — what makes God “tick” so to speak. Sadly, it is only with the passing of my eternal soul mate in March of 2011 that has made it possible to share my knowledge with you. It was after Marcia’s death that I entered the world of the soul and the field of energy.
God is a mix of various forms of Energy which is the foundation stone of our planet, our universe, and of us. If you look carefully and long enough into the foundation stone, you will begin to see that God is allowing us a transparent glimpse into His Being.
After all is said and done and you separate my words from me the writer, you’ll have to decide for yourself whether my story of God makes sense to you. Please do not get offended if it doesn’t. Only God and no one else can confirm or disprove whether my words are the written truth. I leave that for God to decide and act upon.
I don’t think God shall abandon me, leave me “hanging in the breeze” so to speak. I foresee God taking the public stage of humanity and correcting any conceptual and factual errors that I have unintentionally committed. I welcome Him to prove me wrong, by speaking aloud to everyone around the world in their respective native languages, simultaneously. My faith in God sets the bar very high for Him as He does for me, and I know with certainty that He shall not disappoint me. The Bible asserts that God in Messianic times shall create miracles, incredible even to Him, and that we shall know Him as the waters of the sea. His faithful have always awaited His coming.
My journey has led me to conclude that God purposely preplanned our world, whereby our curiosity of Him is continually piqued by His keeping the knowledge of His Being a mystery to us. I believe it was a selfless desire on God’s part not to tell us of His plan in order to allow human beings the thrill of making new discoveries about ourselves, our earthly planet, and our universe without the need to include Him in our explanations.
God fashioned events so that we would draw conclusions of new found knowledge based upon the laws of nature and science without the need to acknowledge Him for His contributions to our world.
Only an omnipotent Supreme Being with a limitless organizing intelligence could preplan, and then create our complex entire world.
2
God Preplanned
Our World
The main reasons that we humans continually come up with such diversified theories that allude to but never pinpoint God as the First Cause are three-fold: (i) God gave us the Free Will to do so. We choose to believe or disbelieve whatever we wish at any moment in time, (ii) God gave us a preplanned ever changing dynamic world so that we could have jobs, lead interesting lives, and pontificate on Him, even if we remain stubbornly, diehard non-believers until our dying breath, and (iii) He gave us a logical, rational human brain which seemingly is an advantage for our curiosity and intellect, but in reality has turned out to be a detriment to our faith and understanding of God and the world He created around and for us.
God has a “brain” but it is nothing like a human brain. His “brain” is made up of His enormously powerful, electromagnetic Energy particles, which endow Him with infinite knowledge, wisdom, and wondrous miraculous capabilities beyond anything we could ever imagine. We with our human brains are limited in comparison as a speck of dust is to all the sand grains of the earth or a single star is to all the uncountable stars in the galaxies of the universe. God is at least trillions or more likely quadrillions of times more powerful and more intellectual than any human being.
Some fourteen billion years ago at the time prior to the Big Bang, God used His awesome powers to preplan every detail of the universe. He never told us that He had done this in advance, so that with each passing year of our planet and our evolution we could make advancements and new discoveries with our free will and our human brains. To us, the automobile, the airplane, and the computer became “new,” but to God everything we have ever learned in human history about ourselves and the world around us is “old.”
We could be talking about how to use the mechanical forces described in our physics textbooks to properly hammer a nail into a piece of wood or we could be investigating the complex workings of human brain memory. The subject doesn’t really matter. God knew all the details of everything and anything to come into our world before He initiated the Big Bang.
Since the Big Bang, fourteen billion years have passed that have led to the sophisticated advancements in technology and the human psyche. Our discoveries have permitted us to know the details of our universe, given us a deeper understanding of the human mind, and even provided recent surprising knowledge about our souls and the soul world in Heaven. However we know very little about God our Creator. What do we really understand about God’s Essence, His central core?
It’s almost as if God completed an impossible billion piece jigsaw puzzle, broke it up, and then randomly handed the individual pieces to the human race to put the puzzle back together again. This extraordinary puzzle of incomprehensible difficulty represents the totality of life itself since the beginning of time which commenced when God initiated the Big Bang.
Think of it as if you wanted to barely scratch the surface of all existing world knowledge so that you could permanently acquire a teeny bit of God’s wisdom. An analogy might be that you have a photographic memory that remembers what you’ve read in the millions of published books that line library shelves. Even a person with an off the chart, immeasurable, human brain intelligence quotient couldn’t come close to amassing the magnitude and scope of the knowledge and information of which we are speaking.
We need to start at the beginning, before time existed, if we wish to commence our journey of understanding God. I would recommend that skeptical scientists tune in because if everything has been planned by God in advance, then these scientists in their quest for new scientific knowledge actually wind up at God’s doorstep and Science becomes the search for God. God is the Master Scientist, and humans and all that encompasses our world are the Experiment.
If you are feeling like a guinea pig right now, you needn’t, as God’s reasons have nothing to do with receiving credit for His creation and have everything to do with benefitting us. He has kept silent all these years since biblical times though He keeps a close watch on what’s going on in our societies without being the puppeteer pulling our strings. He allows us the Free Will He granted us to make our own choices and He leads us in the direction we wish to go.
To understand God’s purpose in creating us and our physical world, we first have to understand Him.
3
God’s Beginnings
The physicists and mathematicians cannot tell us what happened moments before the Big Bang. Some of our most brilliant among them claim that we don’t need to invoke God, while others like Albert Einstein were wise enough to realize that science could not explain everything and that God was responsible for planning or at least guiding our universe.
I have another suggestion which goes beyond Einstein’s beliefs of God acting in a supervisory role with regard to the universe. God alone was the universe before the Big Bang, and He existed then in the form of Light and Dark Energy particles which occupied the entire space of the universe approximately fourteen billion years ago.
The Book of Genesis in the Bible suggests that on the First Day of the Seven Days of the Creation of the universe, only Light was visible and then at some point, God separated the light and the darkness. My personal interpretation of this biblical event is that this original Light was God’s Light Energy which represented only a small fraction of God’s total Energy. The Light was of such brilliance and intensity that it uncharacteristically had the power to function like a reverse Black Hole such that the original Light Energy contained within it all of God’s Dark Energy prior to the Big Bang. The separation referred to in the Bible on the First Day is the explosion that took place during the Big Bang, giving rise to a new appearance to God’s universe whereby His Energy could now be seen in its entirety as an enlarged separated mixture of both His Light and Dark Energy particles.
God called the Light Energy “day” and His Dark Energy, “night.” However, this was only to distinguish Light Energy separated from Dark Energy and not what we think of today in actual time of the day and the night where daylight hours and night time hours are separated. The night and day time dependency came only on the Fourth Day of Creation as told in the Bible. God added the sun to dominate the Light Energy and create the daylight hours and the moon to dominate the Dark Energy to create light within the darkness of night time hours. God does not talk about the stars but He may have included them in His biblical description when He referred to the sun as the great luminary and the moon and stars as the lesser luminary.
The term “day” is still in use today, as God gave us structure and order in our seven day week. Even when God rested on the Seventh Day, this became our weekend. The Seven Days of Creation actually represent the time since the Big Bang, so that the time difference between the First and Fourth Days could represent millions to billions of years.
We know from the physicists that our present universe is made up of 70 percent dark energy, 20 percent dark matter, and less than 5 percent of light energy. What I am suggesting is that all of this Energy is God and that God is space and God is the universe. What the brilliant Albert Einstein and others have suggested is true. Our universe is continuously expanding and the expansion is accelerated by the dark energy of the universe.
Einstein further hypothesized that “old space” and “new space” are never “nothing” because it’s a natural principle in physics that space is always occupied by energy. Einstein was searching for a cosmological constant but he eventually abandoned his search when He could not find it. I believe this brilliant man was looking for the “God Constant,” which neither mathematics nor physics can delineate. Because the universe is expanding with God, the energy of the universe, God’s Energy, is infinite. Scientists cannot calculate infinity.
Prior to the Big Bang, God’s Light Energy was therefore not the sun but some form of special Supernal Light. The Bible does describe the possibility of such a Light returning on Judgment Day at the End of Days where there will be a different type of day because the world will be lit up by this original Supernal Light and not the light of the sun.
I believe that an incredible miracle will take place on Judgment Day where a typical eclipse of the sun will occur, and yet there will still be daylight provided by God’s original Supernal Light. The Bible not only speaks about God performing miracles incredible even to Him, but also talks about God putting signs in the sky in the beginning of the Messianic Age at the End of Days. One of the signs is the eclipse of the sun and another is the moon turning blood red.
Scientists have difficulty obtaining an accurate numerical value for the diameter of the universe, especially with the rapid acceleration of the expansion of space. Figures in the trillions have been proposed. Since the time of the Big Bang, estimates have placed the increase in expansion in the order of at least one-thousand fold. Since all space is energy and God is both space and the universe, then God’s Energy is increasing geometrically. It is not the dark energy of the universe that is accelerating the expansion of the universe, it is God since currently the major component of God’s Energy is the Dark Energy.
We know from the biblical story of the Exodus of the Israelite slaves from Egypt, that God sent the Pharaoh and the Egyptian people ten plagues. Especially important for our discussion was the plague of darkness where the normal daylight hours were turned into darkness for at least forty-eight hours. Day no longer existed in Egypt, and day was replaced with darkness in the absence of the moon and the stars. In this part of the world located near the Equator, it is impossible for only the darkness of night to exist. Night must follow day and day must follow night.
In the pages to follow, we shall see how God is the Master Creator. There is no doubt in my mind because of my spiritual beliefs that God’s omnipotence can cause the light to become dark and the dark to become light. God has at His disposal a vast amount of His Dark Energy that He can convert into Light Energy. The reverse is also possible and the intro-conversion in either direction seems to happen instantaneously.
It seems that it would be easy for God to eliminate Earth by changing our Light Energy into Dark Energy or to take away the light of day during the Egyptian plague of darkness. In one respect, you might look upon God’s Dark Energy as a reserve He can tap into any time. He needs more Light Energy for the Soul Energies of an ever increasing world population. Everything alive has Energy including humans who must possess a Divine soul made up of Energy in order to begin and maintain life.
Is it a coincidence that in 2012, physicists at the CERN laboratories have confirmed the existence of the Higgs Boson Particle originally proposed by Higgs and five other scientists in 1964? Without the unseen Higgs Field and the Higgs Boson Particle, elementary particles would not acquire mass and our universe and our bodies would be one random blob. The Higgs Boson particle has been jokingly referred to as the “God Particle” but the joke is really on the scientists because the invisible Higgs energy field in space and God’s Energy Field are one and the same.
I think we need to delve further into to discovering the power of God. Does God provide certainty to the uncertainty of His universe?
4
God and Science
Albert Einstein believed all his life that God would not roll the dice, so that there could be no room for uncertainty with regard to our universe. Along came Werner Heisenberg in 1925 and proposed that at the subatomic level, which is not directly observable and where you are trying to understand elementary particles like electrons, there was uncertainty. Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle was a bold suggestion that initiated the field of Quantum Mechanics and Quantum Theory.
If there is uncertainty, then one must conclude that physics is no longer an exact science as previously thought in earlier days by the brilliant physicist Isaac Newton. There is therefore no future predictability about our universe and we could be here today and gone tomorrow.
What neither of these highly intelligent Nobel Prize winning theoretical physicists Einstein and Heisenberg knew, was that God Himself, whose organizing intelligence is trillions to quadrillions of times more advanced than any human, is the unified theory of the universe that Einstein so desperately sought to find, even on his deathbed. God has preplanned our universe, because He is our universe and although both Einstein and Heisenberg thought that they were freshly exploring “new” startling theories, these groundbreaking revelations were in fact “old” for God. God was the original inventor before even He decided to come into existence approximately fourteen billion years ago. Prior to God, there was no time-dependent existence. There was only God and His timeless solitary “existence.”
Einstein and Heisenberg were unaware that God had purposely set up the universe so that these scientists would believe that they were discovering new concepts of physics and mathematics. Einstein though believed that God created and was in charge of the universe without realizing that God was the universe.
Science thus unknowingly became the search for God. Why would God go to all this trouble? He would do it of course to allow the thrill of humans making new discoveries akin to a baby continuously praised by his mother and father for discovering the private world within his or her environmental domain.
Einstein never accepted Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle as a fundamental physical law because he felt that a valid theory should encompass both what you observe and what you don’t observe. An electron inside an atom cannot be seen argued Einstein, but that doesn’t mean that electrons don’t have defined orbits within the atom. He added that just because he wasn’t always observing the moon, he would like to believe that the moon was still there.
Einstein proposed that it was only a matter of time when he could prove that God doesn’t roll the dice. God would never base His creation of the universe on uncertainty. Once all the details were scientifically discovered in the future about electrons inside atoms, Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principe or his Principle of Indeterminacy would become invalid, and we would believe, as Isaac Newton believed, that the universe was truly set in motion by God in a specific determinable way.
Heisenberg’s physics reality on the other hand was predicated upon only what he could observe and what he could measure. Heisenberg from his experimental analysis came to the conclusion that you simultaneously could not determine the position of the electron versus the momentum (mass of particle times velocity of the particle) or direction of an electron at the same time. The more precisely the position of an elementary particle is determined, the less precisely the determination of the momentum in this instant, and vice versa. Heisenberg’s conclusion was that you could never with great certainty measure more than one property of a particle such as an electron, and that elementary particles thus exist only in states of probability mathematical distributions rather than as can be described definitively with certainty.
Quantum mechanics further states that this blurring of the magnitudes, such as position and speed or direction and other descriptive magnitudes such as energy and time are an intrinsic inherent property in the nature of the particles themselves. What inherent in nature means is that based upon the Uncertainty Principle, particles cannot have arbitrarily precise position and velocity regardless of whether the scientist observes them or not.
The particles have essentially been “born” this way with uncertainty. Since elementary particles are present throughout the universe and we need them for life on our planet and within ourselves, we are in uncharted waters in predicting the future of planet earth.
Instead of electrons moving in defined orbits in atoms, the physicist Erwin Schrodinger proposed that the electrons were continuously vibrating energetically to create waves while moving around the atom. Heisenberg and Niels Bohr talked about electrons as quantum particles instead of waves and explained their Uncertainty Principle theory through Matrix Mechanics mathematics where discontinuities and quantum jumps would be responsible for the observed position and movement of electrons.
Schrodinger in 1926 proved that particles and waves are equivalent descriptions. Electrons in our bodies can exist both as particles and waves but we can only determine one or the other of these characteristics at any one time. It depends upon what the observer scientist chooses to measure in a given experiment. Waves and particles are thus complimentary and separate but both are essential to describe quantum events. Einstein on his deathbed muttered, “What are these quanta?” Einstein wanted to present us with proof of a unified theory of the universe to accommodate his own Relativity Theories and Heisenberg’s and other’s Quantum Theory.
I believe God created the moon sometime after the Big Bang with His Light Energy particles. You can observe the moon but no one with the exception of possibly the Jewish Biblical Patriarch, Jacob, has ever partially seen God. Does that mean that God does not exist? Is God like the electron that you can’t see inside our atoms and molecules?
In biblical times, we have indicated earlier that there have been humans like Moses and Abraham who have communicated audibly with God. For just about all of us, however, we will never hear or see God. Our belief has to be based upon faith, at least until Messianic times when we shall know God as the waters of the sea. On the premise that God pre-planned our world billions of years ago at the time of the Big Bang and is the Master Scientist, why would God purposely create all this controversy in the physics of the universe?
I believe that once God decided to create a world of human beings and plant and animal species, He decided to create one that was dynamically interesting. He gave us free will to choose good or evil, a Divine soul, soul energy, past lives, intelligence, wisdom, doubt, fantasy, imagination, emotions like fear, anger, jealousy, happiness and sadness, unique speech and voice patterns, and the ability to think and ponder. He instilled in us a sense of curiosity of past, present, and future, direction to choose our vocations, our sense of discovery not only in science but in so many fields such as philosophy, psychology, medicine, architecture, engineering, politics, the economy and on and on.
In terms of Einstein and Heisenberg, the controversy that God provided is still continuing after eighty-eight years. Look at all the jobs that God has provided in physics and in every field. Would we have universities and schools if God didn’t preplan our world? Similar to this lengthy controversy in the physics of the universe, what about the ongoing separate factions that believe and have believed for hundreds of years in either Evolution or Creation. Our churches have a cause they can fight for and God foresaw His creation of religion as well to create both diversity and differing societies. It’s no accident that we have a continuing battle with those who are pro choice and those who are pro life. God gave us that as well to provide us with more challenges and more jobs, where people could play useful roles in society.
If we knew that God has known all along where we would be at different times in our history, then whatever certainty and uncertainty God purposely placed into the universe would be combined together as “God’s Certainty Plan.” We would have to have wound up where we are at this moment in time in our history, because God determined that it would be this way without us knowing it.
Were the births of Einstein and Heisenberg accidental or did God plan them crossing paths in life by endowing them with special souls? Did Einstein get a piece of his hero Isaac Newton’s soul, and did Heisenberg get a piece of Galileo’s soul that influenced both of them in their out of the box forward thinking? It would be nice to believe that even though God is not yet interacting with us, He does likely make things happen behind the scenes at critical times in our history. Hitler’s biggest mistake was advancing toward Russia. Did God influence Hitler’s decision?
At this writing we don’t know if Einstein is right about needing for Heisenberg’s theory to account for the unobserved, and we don’t know enough about electron pathways just like we know so very little about the human brain. I am a fan of Einstein, so I tend to believe that he is right. I also believe in Heisenberg. If God’s unified theory accommodates both Einstein and Heisenberg, then an electron can exist both as a particle and a wave but it can also exist in a defined orbit. Too often in life we are on either one side or the other of a pendulum swinging from side to side. Often however there is a choice right in the middle of the pendulum where both arguments are embraced.
I think we need to delve further into to discovering the power of God. How can God have existed back at the time of the Big Bang and still be here fourteen billion years later?
… Continued…
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KND Freebies: The moving love story HAVE NO SHAME by Melissa Foster is featured in today’s Free Kindle Nation Shorts excerpt
4.6 stars – 136 reviews!!
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Coming of Age Fiction
This poignant novel about forbidden love in the segregated South of the 1960s is an enticing combination of bittersweet coming of age, compelling romantic suspense and turbulent historical fiction.
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Have No Shame (When civil rights and forbidden love collide)
by Melissa Foster
The racially-charged prejudice of the deep South forces eighteen-year-old Alison Tillman to confront societal norms–and her own beliefs–when she discovers the body of a hate crime victim, and the specter of forbidden love turns her safe, comfortable world upside down.
Praise from reviewers and readers:
‘Perfectly catches the South at the dawning of the Civil Rights Movement. Melissa Foster takes us on an adventure that twists and turns unpredictably to a tense climax…” Roderick Craig Low, author of Promises Of Love And Good Behaviour
“Romance fans will fall head over heels. Fans of five star fiction will fawn over it.” 5-star Amazon review
an excerpt from
Have No Shame
by Melissa Foster
Chapter One
It was the end of winter 1967, my father was preparin’ the fields for plantin’, the Vietnam War was in full swing, and spring was peekin’ its pretty head around the corner. The cypress trees stood tall and bare, like sentinels watchin’ over the St. Francis River. The bugs arrived early, thick and hungry, circlin’ my head like it was a big juicy vein as I walked across the rocks toward the water.
My legs pled with me to jump from rock to rock, like I used to do with my older sister, Maggie, who’s now away at college. I hummed my new favorite song, Penny Lane, and continued walkin’ instead of jumpin’ because that’s what’s expected of me. I could just hear Daddy admonishin’ me, “You’re eighteen now, a grown up. Grown ups don’t jump across rocks.” Even if no one’s watchin’ me at the moment, I wouldn’t want to disappoint Daddy. If Maggie were here, she’d jump. She might even get me to jump. But alone? No way.
The river usually smelled of sulfur and fish, with an underlyin’ hint of desperation, but today it smelled like somethin’ else all together. The rancid smell hit me like an invisible billow of smog. I covered my mouth and turned away, walkin’ a little faster. I tried to get around the stench, thinkin’ it was a dead animal carcass hidin’ beneath the rocks. I couldn’t outrun the smell, and before I knew it I was crouched five feet above the river on an outcroppin’ of rocks, and my hummin’ was replaced by retchin’ and dry heavin’ as the stench infiltrated my throat. I peered over the edge and fear singed my nerves like thousands of needles pokin’ me all at once. Floatin’ beneath me was the bloated and badly beaten body of a colored man. A scream escaped my lips. I stumbled backward and fell to my knees. My entire body began to shake. I covered my mouth to keep from throwin’ up. I knew I should turn away, run, get help, but I could not go back the way I’d come. I was paralyzed with fear, and yet, I was strangely drawn to the bloated and ghastly figure.
I stood back up, then stumbled in my gray midi-skirt and saddle shoes as I made my way over the rocks and toward the riverbank. The silt-laden river was still beneath the floatin’ body. A branch stretched across the river like a boney finger, snaggin’ the bruised and beaten body by the torn trousers that clung to its waist. His bare chest and arms were so bloated that it looked as if they might pop. Tremblin’ and gaspin’ for breath, I lowered myself to the ground, warm tears streamin’ down my cheeks.
While fear sucked my breath away, an underlyin’ curiousity poked its way through to my consciousness. I covered my eyes then, tellin’ myself to look away. The reality that I was seein’ a dead man settled into my bones like ice. Shivers rattled my body. Whose father, brother, uncle, or friend was this man? I opened my eyes again and looked at him. It’s a him, I told myself. I didn’t want to see him as just an anonymous, dead colored man. He was someone, and he mattered. My heart pounded against my ribcage with an insistence—I needed to know who he was. I’d never seen a dead man before, and even though I could barely breathe, even though I could feel his image imprintin’ into my brain, I would not look away. I wanted to know who had beaten him, and why. I wanted to tell his family I was sorry for their loss.
An uncontrollable urgency brought me to my feet and drew me closer, on rubber legs, to where I could see what was left of his face. A gruesome mass of flesh protruded from his mouth. His tongue had bloated and completely filled the openin’, like a flesh-sock had been stuffed in the hole, stretchin’ his lips until they tore and the raw pulp poked out. Chunks of skin were torn or bitten away from his eyes.
I don’t know how long I stood there, my legs quakin’, unable to speak or turn back the way I had come. I don’t know how I got home that night, or what I said to anyone along the way. What I do know is that hearin’ of a colored man’s death was bad enough—I’d heard the rumors of whites beatin’ colored men to death before—but actually seein’ the man who had died, and witnessin’ the awful remains of the beatin’, now that terrified me to my core. A feelin’ of shame bubbled within me. For the first time ever, I was embarrassed to be white, because in Forrest Town, Arkansas, you could be fairly certain it was my people who were the cause of his death. And as a young southern woman, I knew that the expectation was for me to get married, have children, and perpetuate the hate that had been bred in our lives. My children, they’d be born into the same hateful society. That realization brought me to my knees
Chapter Two
It had been a few days since that awful night at the river, and I couldn’t shake the image from my mind; the disfigured body lyin’ in the water like yesterday’s trash. At the time, I didn’t recognize Byron Bingham. I only knew the middle-aged colored man from town gossip, as that man whose wife was sleepin’ with Billy Carlisle. Daddy told me who he was after the police pulled him from the river. I know now that the purple, black, and red bruises that covered his skin were not caused from the beatin’ alone, but rather by the seven days he’d spent dead in the river. I tried to talk to my boyfriend, Jimmy Lee, about the shame I’d carried ever since findin’ that poor man’s body, but Jimmy Lee believed he probably deserved whatever he got, so I swallowed the words. I wanted to share, but the feelin’s still burned inside me like a growin’ fire I couldn’t control. It didn’t help that some folks looked at me like I’d done somethin’ bad by findin’ Mr. Bingham. Even with those sneers reelin’ around me, I couldn’t help but want to see his family. I wanted to be part of their world, to bear witness to what was left behind in the wake of his terrible death, and to somehow connect with them, help them through the pain. Were they okay? How could they be?
I walked all the way to Division Street, the large two-story homes with shiny Buicks and Chevy Impalas out front fell away behind me. A rusty, red and white Ford Ranch Wagon turned down Division Street. There I stood, lookin’ down the street that divided the colored side of town from the white side. Even the trees seemed to sag and sway, appearin’ less vital than those in town. A chill ran up my back. Don’t go near those colored streets, Daddy had warned me. Those people will rape you faster than you can say chicken scratch. I dried my sweaty palms on my pencil skirt as I craned my head, though I had no real idea what I was lookin’ for. The desolate street stretched out before me, like the road itself felt the loss of Mr. Bingham. Small, wooden houses lined the dirt road like secondhand clothes, used and tattered. How had I never before noticed the loneliness of Division Street? Two young children were sittin’ near the front porch of a small, clapboard house, just a few houses away from where I stood. My heart ached to move forward, crouch down right beside them, and see what they were doin’. Two women, who looked to be about my mama’s age, stood in the gravel driveway. One held a big bowl of somethin’—beans, maybe? She lifted pieces of whatever it was, broke them, then put them back in the bowl. I wondered what it might be like to help them in the kitchen, bake somethin’ delicious, and watch those little childrens’ eyes light up at a perfect corn muffin. The short, plump woman had a dark wrap around her hair. The other one, a tiny flick of a woman with a stylish press and curl hairdo, looked in my direction. Our eyes met, then she shifted her head from side to side, as if she were afraid someone might jump out and yell at her for lookin’ at me. I felt my cheeks tighten as a tentative smile spread across my lips. My fingertips lifted at my sides in a slight wave. She turned away quickly and crossed her arms. The air between me and those women who I wanted to know, thickened.
I felt stupid standin’ there, wantin’ to go down and talk to them, to see what the children were playin’. I wondered, did they know Mr. Bingham? Had his death impacted their lives? I wanted to apologize for what had happened, even though I had no idea how or why it had. I realized that the colored side of town had been almost invisible to me, save for understandin’ that I was forbidden to go there. Those families had also been invisible to me. My cheeks burned as my feelin’s of stupidity turned to shame.
A child’s cackle split the silence. His laughter was infectious. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard uninhibited giggles like that. It made me smile. I bit my lower lip, feelin’ caught between what I’d been taught and the pull of my heart.
A Buick ambled by, slowin’ as it passed behind me. I startled, rememberin’ my place, as Daddy called it. Daddy’d keep me right by his side if he could. He didn’t like me to be around anyone he didn’t know, said he couldn’t take care of me if he didn’t know where I was. I turned and headed back toward town, like I’d just stopped for a moment durin’ a walk. The elderly white man drivin’ the shiny, black car squinted at me, furrowed his brow, and then drove on.
I wondered what my daddy might think if he saw me gazin’ down Division Street, where his farmhands lived. Daddy’s farmhands, black men of all ages, were strong and responsible, and they worked in our fields and gardens with such vigorous commitment that it was as though the food and cotton were for their own personal use. Some of those dedicated men had worked for Daddy for years; others were new to the farm. I realized, surprisin’ly, that I’d never spoken to any one of them.
A long block later, I heard Jimmy Lee’s old, red pick-up truck comin’ up the road behind me. The town was so small, that I could hear it from a mile away with its loud, rumblin’ engine. I wondered if someone had spotted me starin’ down Division Street and told him to come collect me. He stopped the truck beside me and flung open the door, flashin’ his big baby-blues beneath his wavy, brown hair. Jimmy Lee was growin’ his hair out from his Elvis cut to somethin’ more akin to Ringo Starr, and it was stuck in that in-between stage of lookin’ like a mop. I liked anything that had to do with Ringo, so he was even more appealin’ to me with his hair fallin’ in his face.
“Alison, c’mon.”
“Hey,” I said, as I climbed onto the vinyl bench seat. He reached over and put his arm around me, pullin’ me closer to him. I snuggled right into the strength of him. It was hard to believe we’d been datin’ for two years. We’d met after church one Sunday mornin’. I used to wonder if Mama or Daddy had set it up that way, like a blind date, but there’s no proof of that. Jimmy Lee’s daddy, Jack Carlisle, was talkin’ to my mama and daddy at the time, so we just started talkin’ too. Jimmy Lee was the older, handsome guy that every girl had her eye on, and I was the lucky one he chose as his own. I’d been datin’ Jimmy Lee since I was sixteen. He was handsome, I had to give him that, but ever since findin’ Mr. Bingham, some of the things he’d done and said made my skin crawl. Others thought he was the perfect suitor for me. I wondered if that, along with my daddy’s approval, was enough to make me swallow these new, uncomfortable feelin’s that wrapped themselves like tentacles around every nerve in my body, and marry him.
I twisted the ring on my finger; Jimmy Lee’s grandmother’s engagement ring. In eight short weeks we’d be married and I’d no longer be Alison Tillman. I’d become Mrs. James Lee Carlisle. My heart ached with the thought.
The afternoon moved swiftly into a lazy and cool evenin’. I was still thinkin’ about the women I’d seen on Division Street when we stopped at the store for a few six-packs of beer. Jimmy Lee’s favorite past time. Like so many other evenin’s, we met up with my brother Jake and Jimmy Lee’s best friend, Corky Talms, in the alley behind the General Store. I think everyone in town knew we hung out here, but no one ever bothered us. The alley was so narrow that there was only a foot or two of road between the right side of Jimmy Lee’s truck and a stack of empty, cardboard delivery boxes, boastin’ familiar names like Schlitz, Tab, and Fanta, lined up along the brick wall beside the back door of the store. On the other side of his truck, just inches from the driver’s side door, a dumpster stood open, waftin’ the stench of stale food into the air. Just beyond that was a small strip of grass, where Jake and Corky now sat. And behind them were the deep, dark woods that separated the nicer part of town from the poor.
I sat on the hood of Jimmy Lee’s truck, and watched him take another swig of his beer. His square jaw tilted back, exposin’ his powerful neck and broad chest. The familiar desire to kiss him rose within me as I watched his Adam’s apple bounce up and down with each gulp.
Jimmy Lee smacked his lips as he lowered the beer bottle to rest on his Levi’s. His eyes were as blue as the sea, and they jetted around the group. I recognized that hungry look. Jimmy Lee had to behave when he was away at college, for fear of his uncle pullin’ his tuition, which I knew he could afford without much trouble. Jack Carlisle was a farmer and owned 350 acres, but his brother Billy owned the only furniture store in Forrest Town, Arkansas, and was one of the wealthiest men in town. Jimmy Lee might have been king of Central High, but now he was a small fish in a big pond at Mississippi State. The bullish tactics that had worked in Forrest Town would likely get him hurt in Mississippi, and Billy Carlisle wasn’t about to be humiliated by his nephew. Jimmy Lee was set to become the manager in his uncle’s store, if he behaved and actually graduated. I was pretty sure that he’d behave while he was away at college and make it to graduation, but I rued those long weekends when he returned home, itchin’ for trouble.
“Jimmy Lee, why don’t we take a walk?” I suggested, though I didn’t much feel like takin’ a walk with Jimmy Lee. I never knew who we’d see or how he’d react.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. “How’s my pretty little wife-to-be?” He kissed my cheek and offered me a sip of his beer, which I declined, too nervous to drink. I felt safe within his arms, but those colored boys were out there, and my nerves were tremblin’ just thinkin’ about what Jimmy Lee might do. I took my hands and placed them on his cheeks, forcin’ his eyes to meet mine. Love lingered in his eyes, clear and bright, and I hoped it was enough of a pull to keep him from seekin’ out trouble. Jimmy Lee was known for chasin’ down colored boys when he thought they were up to no good, and I was realizin’ that maybe he just liked doin’ it. Maybe they weren’t always up to no good. Ever since findin’ Mr. Bingham’s body, I noticed, and was more sensitive to, the ugliness of his actions.
I took inventory of the others. My brother Jake sat on the ground fiddlin’ with his shoelace. His golden hair, the pale-blond color of dried cornhusks, just like mine, though much thicker, was combed away from his high forehead, revealin’ his too-young-for-a-nineteen-year-old, baby face. Jake seemed content to just sit on the grass and drink beer. He had spent the last year tryin’ to measure up to our older sister’s impeccable grades. While Jake remained in town after high school, attendin’ Central Community College, Maggie, with her stellar grades and bigger-than-life personality, begged and pleaded until she convinced our father to send her to Marymount Manhattan College.
I wished more than ever that Maggie were home just then. We’d take a walk to the river like we used to, just the two of us, climb up to the loft in the barn, and giggle until Mama called us inside. We’d do anything other than sittin’ around watchin’ Jimmy Lee blow smoke rings and think about startin’ trouble.
Corky cleared his throat, callin’ my thoughts away from my sister. He looked up at me, thick tufts of dark hair bobbin’ like springs atop his head as he nodded. I bristled at the schemin’ look in his brown eyes. He smirked in that cocky way that was so familiar that it was almost borin’. With muscles that threatened to burst through every t-shirt he owned, one would think he’d be as abrasive as sandpaper, but he was the quiet type—‘til somethin’ or someone shook his reins. He came from a typical Forrest Town farm family. His father was a farmer, like mine, but unlike Daddy, who saw some value in education, Corky’s father believed his son’s sole purpose was to work the farm. Everyone in town knew that when Corky’s daddy grew too old to farm, he would take over. Corky accepted his lot in life with a sense of proud entitlement. He saw no need for schoolin’ when a job was so readily provided for him. I swear Corky was more machine than man. He worked from dawn ‘til dusk on the farm, and still had the energy to show up here smellin’ like DDT, or hay, or lumber, or whatever they happen to be plantin’ or harvestin’ at the time, and stir up trouble with Jimmy Lee.
Corky took a long pull of his beer, eyein’ Jimmy Lee with a conspiratorial grin.
I tugged Jimmy Lee’s arm again, hopin’ he’d choose a walk with me over trouble with Corky, but I knew I was no match for a willin’ participant in his devious shenanigans. Jimmy Lee shrugged me off and locked eyes with Corky. Tucked in the alley behind the General Store, trouble could be found fifty feet in any direction. I bent forward and peered around the side of the old, wooden buildin’. At ten o’clock at night, the streets were dark, but not too dark to notice the colored boys across the street walkin’ at a fast pace with their heads down, hands shoved deep in their pockets. I recognized one of the boys from Daddy’s farm. Please don’t let Jimmy Lee see them. It was a futile hope, but I hoped just the same.
Jimmy Lee stretched. I craned my neck to look up at my handsome giant. Maggie called me Pixie. Although she and Jake both got Daddy’s genes when it came to height, I stopped growin’ at thirteen years old. While bein’ five foot two has minor advantages, like bein’ called a sweet nickname by my sister, I often felt like, and was treated as if, I were younger than my age.
Jimmy Lee set his beer down on the ground and wiped his hands on his jeans. “What’re those cotton pickers doin’ in town this late?” He smirked, shootin’ a nod at Corky.
“Jimmy Lee, don’t,” I pleaded, feelin’ kinda sick at the notion that he might go after those boys.
“Don’t? Whaddaya mean, don’t? This is what we do.” He looked at Corky and nodded.
“It’s just…” I turned away, then gathered the courage to say what was naggin’ to be said. “It’s just that, after findin’ Mr. Bingham’s body…it’s just not right, Jimmy Lee. Leave those boys alone.”
Jimmy Lee narrowed his eyes, put his arms on either side of me, and leaned into me. He kissed my forehead and ran his finger along my chin. “You let me worry about keepin’ the streets safe, and I’ll let you worry about—” he laughed. “Heck, worry about somethin’ else, I don’t know.”
Corky tossed his empty bottle into the grass and was on his feet, pumpin’ his fists. My heartbeat sped up.
“Jimmy Lee, please, just let ‘em be,” I begged. When he didn’t react, I tried another tactic and batted my eyelashes, pulled him close, and whispered in his ear, “Let’s go somewhere, just you and me.” I hated myself for usin’ my body as a negotiation point.
Jimmy Lee pulled away and I saw a momentary flash of consideration pass in his eyes. Then Corky slapped him on the back and that flash of consideration was gone, replaced with a darkness, a narrowin’ of his eyes that spoke too loudly of hate.
“Let’s get ‘em,” Corky said. The sleeves of his white t-shirt strained across his massive biceps. The five inches Jimmy Lee had on him seemed to disappear given the sheer volume of space Corky’s body took up. He was as thick and strong as a bull.
I jumped off the hood of the truck. “Jimmy Lee, you leave those boys alone.” I was surprised by my own vehemence. This was the stuff he did all the time, it wasn’t new. I was used to him scarin’ and beatin’ on the colored boys in our area. It was somethin’ that just was. But at that moment, all I could see in my mind was poor Byron Bingham.
Jimmy Lee looked at me for one beat too long. I thought I had him, that he’d give in and choose me over the fight. One second later, he turned to Jake and clapped his hands. “Let’s go, Jake. We’ve got some manners to teach those boys.”
“Don’t, Jake,” I begged. “Please, leave them alone!”
Jake looked nervously from me to Jimmy Lee. I knew he was decidin’ if it was safer to side with me, which would lead to instant ridicule by Jimmy Lee, but would keep him out of a fight, or side with Jimmy Lee, which would not only put him in Jimmy Lee’s favor, but also make his actions on par with our father’s beliefs. He’d happily fight for a few bonus points with Daddy to balance out his poor grades.
My hands trembled at the thought of those innocent boys bein’ hurt. “Jake, please,” I pleaded. “Don’t. Jimmy Lee—”
They were off, all three of them, stalkin’ their prey, movin’ swiftly out from behind the General Store and down the center of the empty street. Their eyes trained on the two boys. Jimmy Lee walked at a fast clip, clenchin’ and unclenchin’ his fists, his shoulders rounded forward like a bull readyin’ to charge.
I ran behind him, kickin’ dirt up beneath my feet, beggin’ him to stop. I screamed and pleaded until my throat was raw and my voice a tiny, frayed thread. The colored boys ran swift as deer, down an alley and toward the fields that ran parallel to Division Street, stealin’ quick, fear-filled glances over their shoulders—glances that cried out in desperation and left me feelin’ helpless and even culpable of what was yet to come.
Jimmy Lee, Jake, and Corky closed in on them like a sudden storm in the middle of the field. The grass swallowed their feet as they surrounded the boys like farmers herdin’ their flock.
“Get that son of a bitch!” Jimmy Lee commanded, pointin’ to the smaller of the two boys, Daddy’s farmhand. The whites of his eyes shone bright as lightnin’ against his charcoal skin.
Corky hooted and hollered into the night, “Yeeha! Let’s play, boys!”
Bile rose in my throat at the thought of what I knew Jimmy Lee would do to them, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he might take it as far as killin’ those boys—if even by accident. I stood in the field, shakin’ and cryin’, then fell to my knees thirty feet from where they were, beggin’ Jimmy Lee not to hurt them. Images of Mr. Bingham’s bloated and beaten body, his tongue swollen beyond recognition, seared like fire into my mind.
Jimmy Lee moved in on the tremblin’ boy. I was riveted to the coldness in his eyes. “No!” I screamed into the darkness. Jimmy Lee threw a glance my way, a scowl on his face. The smack of Jimmy Lee’s fist against the boy’s face brought me to my feet. When the boy cried out, agony filled my veins. I stumbled and ran as fast and hard as I could, and didn’t stop until I was safely around the side of the General Store, hidden from the shame of what they were doin’, hidden from the eyes that might find me in the night. There was no hidin’ from the guilt, shame, and disgust that followed me like a shadow. I sank to my knees and cried for those boys, for Mr. Bingham, and for the loss of my love for Jimmy Lee.
… Continued…
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KND Freebies: Intriguing mystery SCHRODINGER’S GAT by Robert Kroese is featured in today’s Free Kindle Nation Shorts excerpt
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an excerpt from
Schrodinger’s Gat
by Robert Kroese
Part One:
Hamlet of the San Leandro BART Station
Everything happens for a reason. What a horrifying thought. I’d never believed it until the day I tried to kill myself, and frankly I wish I could go on not believing it.
You can probably guess the reasons for my suicide attempt. Tolstoy said that every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, which I suppose is true, but in my experience suicidal people are all pretty much alike. God knows I’ve met enough of them. There are probably a million different recipes for suicide, with varying amounts of congenital depression, parental disappointment, personal failure and loneliness, but they all add up to the same lousy cake. That’s a metaphor, and a shitty one at that. I use shitty metaphors sometimes because I’m a shitty writer.
Anyway, I’m only starting with the suicide attempt because that seems like the logical place to start. I’m telling you this so that you won’t think this is one of those books about an anxiety-ridden writer trying to find Meaning in a cold, unfeeling Universe. Well, maybe it is, partly. But mostly it’s about two women. One is the girl of my dreams. The other is a nightmare. And we’re three fucking paragraphs in, so I guess I should get started.
OK, so there I am, standing at the San Leandro BART station, waiting for the train to arrive. But as you can probably deduce by my earlier remarks, I’m not planning on being on the train; I’m planning on being under it. The chief ingredient in my personal recipe for suicide is my father. The standard feelings of inadequacy plus the suspicion that I’m not-so-gradually turning into him. My father blew his head off with a shotgun at fifty-five. I’m only thirty-six at the time of the BART incident, which I figure makes me precocious.
Predictably, I start to have second thoughts about the whole thing. I’m indecisive; I get that from my dad too. Dithering like fucking Hamlet of the San Leandro BART station. Hands in my pockets, I realize I’m clutching the 50p coin my dad gave me when I was ten. At the time he gave it to me I thought it was the coolest thing ever, like some kind of ancient artifact from Atlantis. I’d never been to the UK, so I had no idea there were millions of those coins in circulation. To me it was precious, especially since my dad never paid much attention to me. I thought he had found this fantastic treasure and entrusted it to me. Later I realized he had been cleaning out his pockets after a trip to London. But some of the magic of that coin stuck; even after traveling to the UK in college I could never quite convince myself that there wasn’t something special about my coin, so I held onto it. I didn’t carry it everywhere I went or anything ridiculous like that, but I kept it in my desk and occasionally pulled it out and flipped it over my knuckles when I was thinking about something or grading papers or whatever. Sometimes I would slip it into my pocket without thinking and then find it there later. This was one of those times.
So I think, OK, Hamlet, to be or not to be. You can’t seem to make up your own fucking mind, so let’s let Fate decide. I flip the coin: heads, I live; tails, I die. It comes up tails.
Oh, but there’s something else I should tell you; something I forgot to mention because like I said, I’m a shitty writer. There’s this girl watching me. I say girl, but she was probably twenty-five. Pretty brunette wearing a black wool coat and a red hat. It’s February, so she’s bundled up against the cold. Or what passes for cold in the East Bay anyway. Just standing back by a pillar, watching me out of the corner of her eye. Now I’m a decent looking guy, but there’s no reason for a girl like that to fixate on me. And no, I’m not acting all crazy or anything. For all she knows, I’m just waiting for the train like everybody else.
Anyway, it comes up tails, and I’m like, OK, that’s it, and I take a step forward. I’m right on the edge of the platform now, and the train is maybe a hundred yards away and coming my way fast. I’m near the beginning of the platform, so it will still be going a good thirty miles an hour by the time it hits me. Fast enough. I’m about to step off when I hear someone shout, “No!”
Somehow I know it’s the girl, and I know she’s talking to me. It rattles me enough that I forget to take the step and before I know it, the train is passing. Frankly, it pisses me off. Do you know how hard it is to psych yourself up to actually step in front of a moving train?
I turn and see the girl running down the steps, off the platform. At this point, I’m thinking, what the hell? How can you interrupt a suicide attempt and then not follow through with at least some kind of pep talk? Tell me life is worth living or give me a suicide prevention hotline number, something. You can’t just yell “No!” and then run off.
So I go after her. Partly I’m mad and partly I’m curious. How the hell did she know what I was going to do? Because she pretty clearly had her eye on me before I made my move. And I suppose some small part of me thought, maybe this girl has the answer. Maybe she knows something I don’t know. About, you know, life or whatever.
So I’m chasing her down the steps, yelling, “Hey! Stop! I just want to talk to you!” But she won’t stop. She’s running at top speed down the street now in her black leather boots and I can see she’s headed for a cab parked about fifty feet away. I’m faster, and I get there just as she’s closing the door. I hold the door open and slide in next to her, slamming the door behind me.
“Embarcadero,” she says to the driver. “Get me there in fifteen minutes and I’ll give you …” She’s going through her purse. “Four hundred eighty dollars.” She doesn’t even glance my way.
“Embarcadero?” asks the driver, confused. “In the city?” The city in this case being San Francisco.
I’m about to say something but I hold off because I want to see what the guy does. The driver’s a good looking young guy, probably Indian or Pakistani. I can see what he’s thinking: there is no way in hell I can make it to Embarcadero in fifteen minutes. The only way to get there is to cross the Bay Bridge, and at mid-morning just crossing the bridge takes ten minutes – and we’re ten miles from the bridge. But he looks at the wad of cash the girl is holding, looks at her face and sees she’s dead serious. One more look at the cash convinces him. For $480, he’s willing to break not just every state law on the books but the laws of physics as well. He throws the car in gear and slams the pedal down. The car, a ballsy old Crown Vic, lurches forward like a charging rhino, scattering Hyundais and Nissans like hyenas on the prairie. That’s another shitty metaphor. Whatever.
I keep wanting to ask this girl who she is, where she’s going, how she knew what I was doing back there, why she stopped me … but every time I’m about to open my mouth I find myself biting my lower lip in an effort to keep from screaming. I’ve had some crazy cab drivers, but this guy – I think his name was Hussein (and don’t get offended; I don’t think that all Middle-Easterners are named Hussein, but I’m pretty sure I’m remembering correctly that this guy was, so take it up with his fucking parents) – is hopping curbs and cutting off old ladies and nearly running down pedestrians in crosswalks. Whatever public transportation karma this girl had earned by saving my life she more than canceled out by waving a wad of cash under Hussein’s nose. I’m not ashamed to admit I was terrified. Well, maybe a little ashamed. But holy shit is this guy driving crazy. And yeah, I get the irony of being scared of a car crash only a few minutes after I’d almost killed myself, thanks.
Soon we are flying down Interstate 880. I don’t dare look at the speedometer but judging by the way we’re passing cars – on the left, on the right, on the shoulder, between lanes – we must be doing a buck twenty at least.
“Slow down!” I finally yell. “You’re going to kill us!”
“You got big plans for today?” the girl asks me. Cute. She turns back to the driver. “Don’t listen to him. Keep going.”
“What’s the rush?” I ask her.
She’s pulled a phone from her coat. She’s brushing her thumb across the screen and frowning. “I’ve got an appointment at Embarcadero and Beach in thirteen minutes.”
“What kind of appointment? What could possibly be this important?”
She doesn’t answer.
“Look, if you’re going to risk my life getting me there, you can at least tell me …”
“I didn’t ask you to come along.”
“What did you expect me to do? What was that about, back there?”
A cloud passes over her face. “I’m sorry about that,” she said.
I sort of snort-laugh at that. “You’re sorry you saved my life? What the fuck kind of thing is that to say?”
“I’m sorry I interfered,” she says, finally looking up from her phone. “Not sorry I saved your life.”
“What’s the fucking difference?” I say.
“You swear a lot,” she says offhandedly, looking back at her phone. She’s right, I do.
“Look,” I say. “I’m trying really hard to be civil. But don’t you think you owe me some kind of explanation?”
“Yeah, probably,” she says distractedly, with a hint of agitation. “When this is done, OK? After my appointment, I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Sound good? I’ll buy you coffee. But right now you need to let me concentrate.”
“Fine,” I say. Truth is, I’m kind of glad we’re done talking, because I’m getting nauseous from Hussein’s driving. I’m taking deep breaths and trying to keep my eyes fixed on a point in the distance. You’d think you could see mountains from the East Bay, but you can’t. Just warehouses and gas stations and shit. My left hand is clutching the door handle and my right hand is braced against the seat in front of me. I’m pretty sure I’m going to puke. I roll the window down and lean my head out. At one point Hussein swerves and I get a bloody lip from the edge of the window, which of course doesn’t roll down all the way. We take the Fast Pass lane at the toll gate and get on the bridge. Hussein continues to drive like a fucking maniac. I can’t believe we aren’t pulled over.
We cross the bridge and exit at Folsom. Miraculously I haven’t puked yet. I spare a glance over at the girl, who is looking at her phone and chewing her cheek. Occasionally she glances out the window as if looking for something. I check my own phone: it’s 10:35, and I’m guessing we got in the cab around 10:25. Laws of physics be damned, Hussein is going to make it.
He gets us to Embarcadero. “Stop here!” yells the girl, and Hussein slams on the brakes. She shoves the wad of cash through the slot, gets out and starts running. She crosses in front of the car and darts into the street. I follow. We’re on Embarcadero just before Beach, a touristy part of town. She’s still staring at her phone, barely looking up in time to avoid getting hit. Fortunately the light is red so the cars are slowing to a stop. They honk recreationally as we cross.
And then she just stops. It’s a good thing I’m still feeling kind of sick and lagging behind or I’d have run right into her. She’s just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, holding up her phone like it’s a tricorder gathering data on an alien planet.
“What are you …” I start.
She shushes me. I follow her eyes and see that she’s watching a man and a woman standing on a corner having a conversation. The woman is tall and blond, wearing a fancy designer suit. He’s shorter and Hispanic looking, built like a weightlifter. Also wearing a suit, but clearly off the rack. They’re an odd couple, but they are a couple – or at least an aspiring one. They stand close and look each other in the eye; they talk so quietly that I can only grab a few words.
They seem to be discussing where to go for lunch. The guy wants to go to a Mexican place nearby (again, don’t blame me, I’m just the guy telling the story) and the girl keeps motioning toward Pier 39 across the street. He keeps saying the word “tourists,” and I empathize. Nobody goes to Pier 39 but tourists. It’s crowded and the restaurants are mediocre and overpriced. The couple obviously aren’t tourists; I get the impression they’re meeting on their lunch break. I hear her say “Maggiano’s,” which is an Italian joint on the pier. I’d been there once. Not bad, but nothing special.
The guy pulls a coin from his pocket. He says something I don’t catch and she rolls her eyes but nods. Coin goes up, comes down on his hand. The guy scowls and the woman laughs. He shrugs and takes her hand. They move to the crosswalk to wait for the light to change.
The girl standing next to me slips her phone back into her coat. She’s trembling, and I think she might faint. I try to put my arm around her, but she brushes me off.
“I’m OK,” she says, obviously relieved. “It worked. I did it.”
“Did what?” I ask. “Do you work on commission for Maggiano’s?” Dumb joke, my specialty.
“Come on,” she says, and starts off after the couple as the “Walk” signal comes on. “I’ll show you.”
We tail the couple across the street and down the pier. I’m sort of laughing to myself, because I thought I’d be smeared along train tracks by now and instead I’m taking a nice walk on Pier 39 with a pretty girl. I have no idea who she is or why we’re following some random couple down the pier, but still, nice.
She holds her hand up to indicate we’re stopping. She’s looking at her phone again. I can’t see the screen very well, but it looks like a GPS app.
“They’re getting away,” I say. Maggiano’s is about a hundred feet down the pier on the left.
“Can’t get any closer. Too dangerous.”
Sure, that makes sense.
The couple is about to walk into Maggiano’s when the guy stops abruptly, holding the door open. The woman continues into the restaurant, not realizing he isn’t following. He seems to be watching something, and I follow his gaze: a man, tall and heavy-set, wearing a trench coat, has just pulled a ski mask over his head.
“Oh, shit,” I mumble. There’s no skiing on Pier 39.
The man in the trench coat and ski mask is standing in the middle of the pier, surrounded by hundreds of tourists. The Hispanic guy has let the door go and his right hand is in his jacket. He’s maybe fifty feet from Ski Mask. I found out later that the Hispanic guy’s name was Dave, so that’s what I’m going to call him, even though I didn’t know that was his name at the time, because I’m sick of calling him Hispanic guy. Whatever.
Ski Mask reaches into his coat and pulls out a sawed-off shotgun. Before anyone can react, he’s firing into the crowd, seemingly at random. An elderly man and a teenage girl fall before Dave blindsides Ski Mask, tackling him to the ground. Ski Mask must have fifty pounds on Dave, but Dave doesn’t give him a chance to use his weight. He’s grinding his left knee into Ski Mask’s right hand, making it impossible for him to fire the shotgun or even lift it off the wooden planks that make up the pier. With his right hand, Dave is pistol-whipping the guy. Ski Mask is wriggling around like crazy, so it takes Dave seven or eight tries to subdue him. Finally Ski Mask lies still and Dave pulls off the mask. For some reason I kind of expect to recognize the guy, like at the end of a movie where they pull off the bad guy’s mask and it turns out that it was the prosecuting attorney all along. But of course I don’t. He’s just some random asshole with a shotgun. In any case, I don’t think his own mother would recognize him in his present condition: his face is pretty fucked up after what Dave did to it. Good for Dave.
I lean over and finally puke. Moon Over My Hammy from Denny’s – what was supposed to be my last meal. It had been trying to get out ever since I got on Hussein’s Wild Ride, and the sight of Ski Mask’s crumpled-in face pretty much did me in. By the time I straighten up, a crowd has gathered, cutting off my view.
“Let’s go,” says the brunette.
“Shouldn’t we stick around? Those people might need our help.” I hear sirens in the distance. “And we’re witnesses.”
“They don’t need us,” says the girl authoritatively. “What’s going to happen is going to happen.” Ordinarily I hate that sort of bullshit platitude, but the way she says it gives me chills, like this whole thing is just a scene in a movie she’s already seen. She turns and walks back the way we came. And to be honest, I have no desire to stick around and contemplate my breakfast any more. I go after her. As we reach the start of the pier, a team of paramedics runs past us the other way.
She’d offered me coffee, but we both need something a little stronger by this point. I’m feeling better, having emptied my stomach, but now I’m weak and shaky. She doesn’t look much better. She’s been on edge since I first saw her at the BART station, and I can see she badly needs to sit down and decompress. We find a bar a couple blocks from the pier. I go to the bathroom to clean up. My bottom lip is swelling up pretty bad, but there isn’t much I can do about it. I splash some water on my face, rinse my mouth out and head back into the bar. I flag down the bartender and ask him for some ice for my lip. He gives me a glass full. I see the brunette sitting at a table near the window and I go sit down across from her. Before I can say anything to her, a waitress comes by and asks us what we want. Thankfully, it’s now just after noon, so we can order drinks. Gin and tonic for me; whiskey for the girl. She orders a sandwich too. I’m not hungry. That out of the way, I finally get around to asking the girl her name.
“Tali,” she says. Nice name. It doesn’t seem to come with a last name. Not yet, anyway.
“I’m Paul,” I say. “But you must know that.”
I see some color return to her face. She’s blushing.
“Seriously?” I say, holding an ice cube to my lip with a napkin. “You don’t know my name?” For some reason I had thought she must know something about me to have figured out what I was doing at the BART station. My fucking name, at least.
“I never know their names,” she says. “That’s just how it works.”
“Their names? Who is they?” I take a sip of my drink. The alcohol hits the split in my lip and I wince.
She sighs. “It’s complicated. And I don’t mean, like, Mah-Jongg complicated. I mean quantum physics complicated. Look, Paul, I know I said I’d tell you everything, but trust me, you’re better off not knowing. I wish I didn’t know.”
“Better off not knowing?” I ask. “Is this one of those red pill/blue pill situations? Because lady, I’ve been on the blue pill for a while. Pills, actually. Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Lexapro, Cymbalta, Effexor … probably others I can’t remember. The blue pill isn’t really working out for me, in case you hadn’t noticed. What’s the worst that could happen? You tell me that I’m actually a brain in a vat in a laboratory on Mars? Because that’s a step up from where I’m sitting.” I’m exaggerating, of course. Finding out I was a brain in a vat would be pretty devastating. And of course I don’t really think she’s going to tell me that. But I get the feeling she’s trying to play Morpheus to my Neo, so I play along.
She thinks for a moment, taking a sip of her drink. “OK,” she says. “But you can’t tell anybody. I mean, no one. It’s for your good as well as mine. Anybody you tell will think you’re delusional, and with your history …”
“My history?” I ask, a little irritably. “I thought you didn’t even know my name.”
“No, you’re right,” she says. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. But I do know that you’ve seriously tried to kill yourself at least once, and you’ve told me that you’ve been on just about every antidepressant known to man, so I’m extrapolating. If you start talking about this to the cops or whoever, people are going to look into your medical history. I don’t mean this as a threat, but trust me, it’s not going to go well for you.”
“Why would I tell the cops? Are you involved in something illegal? Did you know that guy was going to start killing people at the pier?”
She shakes her head. “No,” she says. Then: “Well, yes, I knew there was a high probability of a mass murder on the pier.”
I’m stunned. “What? Why didn’t you tell someone? That guy shot at least two people. They could be dead for all we know. You could have prevented that!”
She shakes her head again. “It doesn’t work like that.”
“Why did you stop me?” I say. “At the BART station.”
She bites her lip. “I … interfered.”
“That part I know,” I say irritably. Her phone rings. “Shit!” she says and grabs the phone from her coat. “I’m sorry!” she says into the phone. “I had to get out of there in a hurry and I forgot to check in. What? No, Pier 39. No, there was a problem with the first crux. No, I just … didn’t get there in time. No, I’m fine. I know, I know, I said I’m sorry. I don’t know, maybe an hour or so. OK, see you then.” She mutters something to herself and slips the phone back into her coat. “Where was I?”
“You interfered.”
“Right! I interfered with the coin toss. What did it come up as?”
I’m confused now. “Tails,” I say.
“Then it was going to be heads. Before I interfered. You’d have walked away from the platform and gone back to your life.”
Some life, I think. I suck at my job, I can’t get a novel published, my wife just left me, taking our two kids … Anyway, all the shit you didn’t want to hear about earlier.
I pull the 50p coin from my pocket, regarding it. “You made it come up tails? That’s impossible.”
“Technically, I made it more probable that it would come up tails. And then I felt bad about it. That’s why I called out. I’m … not very good at this.” I realize she’s on the verge of tears.
“Hey, it’s OK,” I say, because I’m fantastic at comforting people. That’s why my wife left me. “I’m lousy at my job too.” Nice, you just compared her to a suicidally depressed loser. Keep going! Finally I think of something helpful to say. “You stopped that guy on the pier. I don’t know how you did it, but you sent that cop down there. If he hadn’t been there ….”
She smiles weakly, tears in her eyes. “Yeah,” she says. “That’s true.”
Her sandwich arrives, and she pecks at it a little. At this point I’m not sure I even believe her about controlling the coin toss, but she seems to believe it, so it helps. I’m starting to think she’s the crazy one. Only one way to find out. “So tell me how it works.”
She asks me if I believe in ghosts. I say no, even though I don’t really have any feelings on the matter, one way or another. What do ghosts have to do with anything? Another mark in the crazy column for her.
“Some people think that when someone dies violently, they leave some of their life energy behind, and that’s what we experience as a ghost. It’s a sort of impression, or a shadow of the person left behind after their death.”
“Uh huh,” I say, trying not to sound skeptical.
“I’m not asking you to believe in ghosts,” she says. “I don’t, at least not in the typical sense. But it’s a helpful way to think about this.”
“All right.”
“OK, so someone dies violently –”
“Like those people on the pier.”
“Well, yes, theoretically,” she says. “But let’s use a different example, because I don’t want to confuse you. You remember that gas main explosion in San Mateo three months ago?”
“Yeah, somebody hit it with a backhoe. Killed a bunch of people.”
Eight,” she says.
“If you say so.”
“So these people die violently –”
“You consider that violence?” I interject. “It was an accident.”
“When I say violent, I mean suddenly and unexpected, as a result of external causes. Not somebody dying of a heart attack in his sleep.”
“OK.”
“So these eight people die suddenly, and they leave behind a sort of shadow of their life force, for lack of a better term. Maybe think of it like those shadows of people burned into the buildings at Hiroshima. Some remnant of their living existence left behind.”
“I think I’m following you so far.”
“Yeah, so here’s where it starts to get complicated,” she says. “Let’s say this ‘life force’ actually exists partially outside of time as we understand it. So that the shadow not only goes forward; it also goes back.”
“You mean back in time.”
“Yes. The trauma of the event of death is so strong that it projects both into the future and into the past. So that the person’s ghost, if you will, haunts the location of the person’s death even before their death actually occurs. This would be one way to explain premonitions of train wrecks and other horrific events. Maybe some people are more sensitive to these impressions, so they can sense the tragedy before it occurs.”
“Sounds like bullshit,” I say, starting my third drink. “But I’m still following you.”
“Anyway, most of this is academic. The thing you need to understand is that it’s theoretically possible to know in advance about some tragedies. The more people that are killed, the greater the impression and therefore the easier it is to predict. Impressions fade over time, both forwards and backwards, and with distance. So the easiest tragedies to predict are those that involve a large number of deaths and that are going to happen nearby, in the near future.”
I’m pretty buzzed at this point, having downed two G&Ts on an empty stomach. My lip isn’t bothering me anymore and I’m starting to notice how attractive Tali really is. Thick, curly dark hair, big brown eyes, tiny little freckled nose. She takes off her coat and I catch a glimpse of some significant cleavage down the V of her blouse. Focus on the nose, I tell myself. I don’t really care what she’s talking about anymore; I just want to keep her talking. “So you see that something bad is going to happen, and you stop it. Like with me at the BART station.”
She grimaces. Adorable. “No, not exactly. I was actually trying to get you to kill yourself.”
I’m suddenly stone cold sober. “What?” I ask.
“I mean, that’s not why I went there,” she says hurriedly. “I was trying to stop this.” She’s waving her hand behind her, vaguely indicating Pier 39.
“What does me jumping in front of the train have to do with some nutjob shooting people on the pier?”
She shrugs. “Maybe the shooter was on the train. Maybe jumping in front of it would have stopped him.”
“He’d just come back another day.”
“Not necessarily. Maybe he gets caught with a shotgun on the train. Maybe he loses his nerve.”
Yeah, maybe he does, I think. Maybe it was hard enough to get up the nerve the first time. But I say, “Maybe he goes to Jack London Square next time.”
“Could be,” she says. “I just don’t know. Maybe he wasn’t even on the train. You’re familiar with the butterfly effect?”
“Small random events have huge, unexpected consequences. A butterfly flaps his wings in Moscow and there’s a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico.”
“More or less. The point is that in a chaotic system, the end results of an alteration to the system can be difficult to predict. Maybe there’s no easily identifiable link between the train and the shooter. But somehow jumping in front of the train stops him, through some unforeseeable chain of events.”
“OK,” I say. “So you make the coin toss come up tails so that I’ll jump in front of the train, but then you have second thoughts and try to stop me. But that means you’ve failed to stop the shooter at the BART station, so you have to come here. Right?” She’s crazy, I think, but it’s a sort of crazy that she’s obviously put a lot of effort into.
“Right.”
“I still don’t understand why you didn’t just call the police and warn them. Or just call in an anonymous bomb threat and clear out the pier. That would have stopped him, wouldn’t it?”
She shakes her head tiredly. “No. I mean, yes, it would have, if it had worked. But it wouldn’t have worked. It’s a deterministic system. Ananke has accounted for all the variables. Except for true randomness. She can’t deal with true randomness.” OK, now she’s not even making sense anymore.
“Who’s Ananke? Your boss?”
She laughs and finishes her drink. “Yeah, something like that. Look, I don’t think I have time to explain the rest. I’ve got to get home.”
“Boyfriend?”
She doesn’t answer, but the way she purses her lips, I get the feeling there’s no boyfriend.
“Where’s home?”
“Near Palo Alto. But my car’s still at the San Leandro BART station.”
I laugh. “Mine too. I guess neither of us was planning on coming to Pier 39. You want to share a cab?”
She agrees. We pay the bill (OK, she pays it but I do offer) and get a cab.
“So who’s Ananke?” I ask, once she’s instructed the driver to take us back to the BART station. This guy’s a sleepy Eastern European type who’s in no hurry. Good.
“She’s an ancient Greek goddess, the personification of necessity or compulsion. In a sense, she’s the boss of all of us.”
“You talked about her like she’s a real person.”
“Yeah, that’s how personification works. Use another word if you like. Call it God or the Universe. Or Destiny or Karma. I prefer to use Ananke, because it has fewer built-in connotations. Also, I like to think of her as a she, because she’s a real crafty bitch sometimes. Ananke basically runs the show.”
“The show,” I repeat dimly.
“The universe. The space-time continuum. Pretty much everything.”
“So Ananke is God.”
She grimaces at the word. “Not in the sense you’re thinking. She has no grand plan, she doesn’t create, and she doesn’t care about ethics or morality. She just makes things happen. She’s necessity, compulsion, destiny. The laws of nature. Everything that must happen happens because of Ananke.”
“This sounds a little like Deism. God sets the universe in motion, and then it just runs based on its own internal logic, like a watch.” My liberal arts education at work, ladies and gentlemen.
She nods. “Sort of,” she says. “But the Deists believed in a distant, uninvolved God. Ananke isn’t distant at all. In fact, she’ll get right in your face if she has to, to make sure that she gets her way. Like I said, she’s a bitch. But she has a weakness, a blind spot.”
“True randomness,” I say, remembering her words.
“Exactly.”
“Like a coin toss.”
She sighs and looks out the window. We’re getting back on the bridge. “See, this is where it gets really complicated. Do you know anything about quantum physics?”
“Does Schrödinger’s Cat count?”
“Yes,” she says. “Actually, Schrödinger’s Cat is a good starting place. You know the scenario?”
“There’s a cat in a box. You don’t know if the cat is alive or dead until you open it. So as far as you know, it’s both. Or neither.”
“Sort of,” she says. “But it’s not ‘as far as you know.’ The cat really is objectively both alive and dead at the same time. It’s called quantum indeterminacy.”
“OK, maybe I need a refresher on Schrödinger’s Cat.” (Look, I’m pretty sure I did understand this stuff at one point, but I’m a high school English teacher and aspiring crime writer. I don’t have a lot of time to keep my knowledge of quantum physics fresh. If you’re some kind of physics buff, feel free to skip the next few paragraphs. Come to think of it, if you’re one of those people who hears “quantum indeterminacy” and your brain starts to hurt, you may want to skip this part too. It’s not absolutely vital that you understand this stuff.)
SKIP THIS PART
I’m doing my best to reconstruct Tali’s explanation, with the help of Wikipedia. I’ve had some time to think about this since the conversation occurred, and I think I have a pretty good handle on it, but again, I’m no expert, so don’t come bitching to me if I get this slightly wrong and you end up with a dead cat in a box.
Earlier I mentioned Deism. Thomas Jefferson and some of the other Founders were Deists; it was big in the Eighteenth century. Deism is the belief that God created the universe with the laws of physics embedded into it and then basically checked out. Nobody really knows what the Deist God does with His time; maybe he plays Parcheesi with Vishnu. What He doesn’t do is involve himself in the day-to-day operations of the universe. That’s because the universe He created runs of its own accord, like clockwork. The Deist God is basically a watchmaker. Maybe eventually the watch runs down and the universe ends. Who knows?
Deism isn’t very popular these days, and I’ve got a couple of semi-educated guesses why. First, why bother to believe in God at all if He isn’t going to do anything? The Deist God is what a scientist might call “an unnecessary hypothesis.” Why shove God in there at the beginning of the universe when you could just as easily say “And then the universe started, nobody knows how or why”? Throwing God in there doesn’t really do anything but complicate matters unnecessarily.
But I think the main reason Deism fell out of favor is that it doesn’t offer a very compelling model of the universe. When Isaac Newton was tossing out universal laws governing all of reality left and right, it really must have seemed like people were finally getting a handle on how all the gears of the watch worked. It was like he had described the winding mechanism and how different sized gears caused the hands to turn at different speeds, and how potential energy was stored in the spring, and all that was necessary was to figure out how all these parts worked together. Except he couldn’t. And neither could anybody else, for the next 200 years. The watch worked just fine, and Newton and others had done a bang-up job describing the workings of the watch’s various parts, but no one could figure out how the parts worked together to actually make the watch function. Eventually the whole idea of the universe as a ticking watch fell by the wayside, and with it the idea of the uninvolved Watchmaker.
And it wasn’t just that they couldn’t figure out how the parts worked together; it was starting to seem like the different parts of the watch actually followed completely different sets of rules. One set of rules is what is known as “classical physics.” This is basically the physics that you learn in high school. F = ma and all that. If you’re designing cars for General Motors, classical physics is probably the only kind of physics you’ll ever need.
Then Einstein came along and introduced the theory of special relativity, which overturned the concept of motion from Newton’s day by positing that all motion is relative. Einstein showed that space and time were not two separate things but rather two aspects of a single thing called spacetime. The rate at which time passed was shown to be dependent on velocity: time slowed down as one’s velocity increased.
Finally, folks like Werner Heisenberg, Max Planck and Neils Bohr came up with the idea of quantum mechanics, which says that at a subatomic level the universe operates on a completely different set of rules from classical physics. The rules are so different down there, in fact, that they are almost inconceivable. You may be familiar with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which I learned in high school as “It’s impossible to know both the speed and location of a particle at the same time, because by observing the particle you change at least one of those properties.” That’s weird enough, but it’s nowhere near as weird as what quantum mechanics actually says, which is that until the location of the particle is observed, it has no definite location. The particle (say an electron whizzing around the nucleus of a hydrogen atom) can only be thought of as having a range of probable locations. And I don’t just mean that you don’t know where the electron is, like it’s the Ace of Spades in a deck of cards. I mean that the electron has no location until you observe it. It simply isn’t anywhere. Or it’s everywhere within the range of probable locations at the same time. Or both, depending on how you think about it.
Even Einstein, who was pretty open-minded about such things (and no slouch at physics), balked at some of the implications of quantum mechanics. Einstein seems to have been wrong, though. Quantum theory flawlessly describes the operations of the universe at a subatomic level. The problem is that although quantum theory is theoretically universal, when you try to apply the rules of quantum theory at scales significantly above the subatomic, seemingly impossible things start to happen. The most famous example is Schrödinger’s Cat. In Erwin Schrödinger’s legendary thought experiment, a cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with a Geiger counter and a small amount of radioactive substance. Over the course of an hour, there is a fifty percent chance of an atom decaying, causing the Geiger counter to click. If the Geiger counter clicks, a mechanism connected to it releases a hammer that shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid, killing the cat. If an atom decays, the cat dies. If it doesn’t, the cat lives. There is a fifty/fifty chance of either happening in an hour. So is the cat alive or dead at the end of the hour? Both, says quantum theory. At least until you look in the box. As soon as you observe the cat’s state, the probability function collapses into one possibility or the other. But before you observe it, it’s both alive and dead the same time. That’s quantum indeterminacy. As Schrödinger states, “[A]n indeterminacy originally restricted to the atomic domain becomes transformed into macroscopic indeterminacy, which can be then resolved by direct observation.” In other words, the experiment amplifies the scope of the quantum weirdness so that we can experience it on a macro level.
The funny thing is that Schrödinger’s cat has become sort of the poster boy for the weirdness of quantum theory, but that isn’t how Schrödinger intended it at all. He was trying to point out that quantum theory, if taken literally, is absurd. He was trying to show that quantum theory couldn’t possibly be right (or at least it couldn’t be the whole story), because the idea of having a cat that’s both dead and alive is ridiculous. But quantum theory has proven so reliable that physicists have basically just accepted that a cat can be both dead and alive simultaneously. I get the impression from Tali that most physicists these days try not to think about it too much.
OK, START READING AGAIN HERE
“So what does any of that have to do with coin tosses?” I ask. “Are you saying that when the coin is in the air, it’s both heads and tails until it lands and you observe it as one or the other? Just like Schrödinger’s cat is both alive and dead until you open the box?”
She shakes her head. “Coin tosses are mostly deterministic, like everything else. “The result of the coin toss is determined almost entirely by forces known to classical physics. How hard you flip the coin, the angle and orientation of the coin at its starting point, atmospheric conditions, et cetera.”
“Mostly deterministic. Not completely deterministic.”
“Right. Nothing is completely deterministic, because underlying everything is a state of quantum indeterminacy. At the subatomic level, the universe is random, within certain limits. But the range of the randomness is so small that you’re not aware of it on a macro level. It is possible, though, to channel and amplify quantum phenomena, like we do with lasers and superconductors.”
“Still not seeing the connection with coin tosses.”
“Sorry,” she says, realizing she’s gotten off track. “My point is that it is possible to duplicate quantum indeterminacy – true randomness – on a macro level. Like with Schrödinger’s cat. Some physicists believe there’s no reason you couldn’t actually carry out Schrödinger’s thought experiment and have an actual cat that is both dead and alive. Well, there’s one reason, I suppose.”
“The ASPCA?”
She laughs. “That too. But I was thinking of the fact that the cat would have to be cooled to near absolute zero.”
“Ah. That would sort of defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it?”
She laughs again. “Yeah, the cat would be pretty definitely dead. And unable to inhale poison gas, in any case. What I’m trying to say is that there are ways of making coin tosses truly random. You just have to have a sort of quantum phenomenon amplifier – something that translates a random subatomic action into a physical push at the macro level.”
“And you have such an amplifier.”
She smiles coyly. “Right here,” she says. But she isn’t talking about the amplifier. She’s telling the cab driver that we’ve reached her car. We’re on the street that the BART station is on. My car is in the lot up ahead.
“I’ll pay,” I say, before she can get out her wallet. “Please. It’s the least I can do.”
“OK,” she says, opening the door. Her car is a blue Lexus with a parking ticket on the windshield.
“If this is your idea of explaining everything …” I start.
“I know, I know,” she says apologetically. “How about dinner on Wednesday? I’ve got to get home.”
It’s hard to overstate how much better this day is going than I had expected. For me, anyway. Not so much those people on the pier.
“Sure!” I say, a little too eagerly. Down, boy. “Where at?”
“You know Garibaldi’s in Fremont?”
“I can find it.”
“Six o’clock?”
“Works for me.”
“See you then, Paul.”
“See you.”
“Oh, and Paul? I’m looking forward to seeing you. So don’t do anything that would significantly decrease the odds of you making it.”
I smile and she shuts the door. I have the driver take me to my car.
Part Two: Particles and Waves
I get in my little blue Ford Focus and drive home. Home is a dingy one-bedroom apartment a couple miles from the BART station with an air mattress on the floor. Deb got the house. I’m not sure how that happened. She left me. Why don’t I get the house? The kids, right. She gets the kids, the kids stay in the house, I get to sleep on the floor next to a stack of cardboard boxes. Fuck.
I arrest this train of thought and go back to thinking about Tali, trying to prolong the high I felt while talking with her in the cab. On some level I’m aware that it’s a little morbid to be so thrilled about meeting Tali, considering the circumstances of our meeting. The adrenaline and endorphins and hormones and whatever else are all mixed up in my brain; it’s hard to say exactly what I’m feeling and why. Above all I feel alive, which is something I haven’t felt for some time. Am I simply infatuated with Tali, or is the intensity of my feelings related to the excitement of the day? Maybe, I think, this is just what it’s like to be around Tali. However she did what she did, this clearly wasn’t the first time. I wonder how often she does that sort of thing. Is it some kind of job? Does she get up in the morning and check her phone to see what tragedy she needs to prevent that day? Does she do this on her own or does she work for someone? I realize that I actually know very little about her. I don’t even know her last name.
What does it feel like to hold people’s lives in your hands? To know that you’re actually helping people, making a real difference in the world? When I was a kid, I dreamed about being a cop or a firefighter, somebody who saved lives, somebody who made a difference, but at some point I decided I wasn’t cut out for that sort of life. I took the road less traveled, decided to be a novelist, and that has made all the difference: I’m a divorced high school English teacher living in a shitty apartment in San Leandro. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a teacher, but I’m not one of those teachers who gets thanked during a former student’s Nobel Prize acceptance speech. I’m the teacher whose classes are filled with kids who drew the short stick when scheduling their electives. I fell into teaching because I figured I could tolerate it for a few years while I worked on getting my novel published. That was fourteen years and three novels ago. I’ve pretty much given up on making any kind of difference in the world.
The idea of “making a difference” goes both ways, of course. That psycho with the shotgun on the pier thought he was making a difference too. That’s the easy way. When you’ve given up on trying to accomplish anything positive, you can always cause mayhem. Tough luck for that asshole that Tali was there to stop him.
On some level I can understand that sort of thinking, the desperation to have some kind of effect on the world, even if it’s just destruction. Instant fame, or infamy, and these days what’s the difference? As low as I’ve gotten, at least I had the decency to try to check out without taking anyone with me. My legacy would have been making a few hundred commuters late for work one day. And hey, at least they’d have had an interesting story to tell their co-workers. But Tali foiled that plan too.
I pour myself a drink, boot up my laptop and open my latest abortive attempt at a novel. I guess I’m thinking that maybe the rush from the day’s excitement will translate into inspiration, or at least motivation, but it doesn’t work out that way. In fact, instead of my mood helping me to write, the inertia of the unfinished novel seems to be oozing out of the screen into my body, threatening to quash whatever is left of my buzz.
The novel isn’t bad. None of them are bad. They just aren’t good. I’m not aiming for Dickens, mind you. I write genre stuff, mysteries mainly. The trick in writing a novel, I’ve learned, is to find the proper balance of order and chaos. You’ve got to let things get a little bit out of hand to keep the reader’s interest, but you can’t get too crazy or you’ll never wrap things up satisfactorily. You have to allow your characters some freedom so they seem real, but you also have to find a way to somehow guide them inexorably to their doom (or happily ever after, if that’s your sort of thing. It’s not mine.) The problem is that I work so hard to tie up everything nicely that the characters become cardboard cutouts. They’re not real people; they’re just puppets of doom. Or I let them do whatever they want and the whole plot falls apart. I can’t ever seem to get the balance right. Anyway, you don’t care about this shit.
I have another drink and go to bed. Bed being an air mattress on the floor.
The next morning I awaken to the sound of my phone ringing. The school again. I put it on silent and go back to sleep. I’ve already got five missed calls from them since I didn’t show up yesterday. I didn’t bother to call in sick; I figured I’d let that fat ass of a vice principal earn his pay by scrambling to find a replacement or, God forbid, fill in for me himself. That was my nod to the cause of mayhem, I guess. I am become death, irritant of public school bureaucrats.
The buzzing of the phone on the box where I had set it wakes me up again an hour later. So much for “silent.” The phone’s display reads Mom. I sigh and answer it.
“Paul?” says my mom’s voice. “Aren’t you at school?”
Flashes of playing hooky in junior high. “Took the day off,” I reply. “Why are you calling if you didn’t think I would answer?”
“I was just going to leave you a message. Don’t you already get a lot of days off? Do you have extra vacation days?”
“I just needed some time to unpack,” I say.
“Why don’t you unpack on Saturday? You can’t just take days off whenever you want, you know.”
“I know, Mom.” Because I’m thirty-six fucking years old. “What do you need?”
“What do I need?”
“I’m sorry, Mom. How are you.” It’s supposed to be a question, but I don’t quite manage the little lilt in my voice.
“I’m fine, Paul. I was hoping you could come over and help me with something. I was thinking this Saturday, but since you’re not doing anything …”
“I just told you I was unpacking.”
“Well, how much can you have to unpack?”
“What do you mean? It’s everything. Everything I own, except the furniture.”
“Is that a good idea?”
“I don’t … what do you mean is it a good idea?”
“To move everything, I mean. That woman is going to think you’re never coming back.”
“Her name is Deb, Mom. And I’m not coming back. We’re splitting up. She made that pretty clear.”
“Well, she can’t just do that. Don’t you have any say in the matter?”
“What do you want me to do, Mom? I can’t force her to stay with me.”
“A marriage is a two person arrangement, Paul. One person can’t just end it. You need to make sure she understands that.”
“OK, Mom.” It’s easier just to go along than to argue when she gets like this.
“And why do you have to move out if she’s the one with the problem?”
“The kids are staying with her.”
“Pfft,” she says. This is the noise my mother makes when the conversation has veered toward a subject she doesn’t want to talk about. My mother has no interest in my kids. I’m not sure if this is because she doesn’t like Deb or because having grandchildren makes her feel old. Probably a little of each.
“So what did you need my help with, Mom?”
“Oh, it’s just this thing for your father, this award. They need some pictures of him for the presentation, and I thought you could help me go through the photo albums and pick some out.”
“Oh. Yeah, I can come over after lunch.”
“You aren’t too busy with your packing?”
“I can make some time. See you in a little while, Mom.”
“Goodbye, Paul.”
I get dressed and get in the car, stopping at Taco Bell on the way over. When I get to my mom’s house in Pleasanton, she’s got photo albums spread out all over the kitchen table.
My father is receiving a posthumous award from some literary society. I hadn’t heard of the group, but I guess they’re sort of a big deal. Ever since my father killed himself, my mother has dedicated herself to being the conservator of his memory. They fought like feral cats when he was alive, but the day he shot himself it was like a switch got flipped in her head. Suddenly he became a saint and she would brook no mention of any of his faults, of which there were many. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d lobbied this group for the award. Not that he didn’t deserve it; by all accounts my father was a genius. His first novel, A Dying Breed, won just about every award except the Pulitzer. His second novel, Retribution, won that too. His third novel was, according to most critics, bloated and derivative, but by then his reputation was firmly established. Rather than risk slipping further on his fourth, he shot himself between the eyes. Nobody says it in so many words, but I get the impression that his suicide actually helped secure hi