The girls had run outside faster than I could say “rabies,” so I dashed out after them, phone in my hand dialing the Fairfax County Police.
“Hello,” I said more calmly than one might think, “I have monkeys in my trees. Can you send someone to catch them?”
A moment of silence made me wonder if I’d been disconnected.
“Is this a prank?” a woman on the other end finally asked.
“No, this isn’t a prank. My name is Barbara Marr and I live at 902 White Willow Circle in Rustic Woods. There are monkeys in my trees.”
“Are you sure they aren’t squirrels? You have some very big squirrels in Rustic Woods.”
I detected that she was patronizing me. I wasn’t sure. I felt patronized.
“Well, unless they evolved overnight and acquired the ability to swing from limb to limb with arms longer than their tails, I’m thinking these aren’t squirrels. There are definitely, unequivocally three monkeys . . . make that four monkeys in my trees. And the fourth one just pooped on my mums.”
“Ma’am, I hear a lot of screaming in the background, is anyone hurt?” she asked.
I looked around my yard. The gaggle of my three girls had grown as Roz and her three kids joined in my yard, followed by another neighbor, Maxine, and her yapping poodle, Puddles. Maxine, who lived just one street over, was an aging hippie-widow with past-her-bottom straight, gray hair and an affinity for huarache sandals and hemp. I liked Maxine a lot, but that poodle of hers was the yappiest damn animal I ever met.
“No, no one is hurt – just excited. We don’t get monkeys around here too often you know,” I said. “Listen, is there something you can do here?”
“Can you describe the monkeys?”
“They’re brown. Long tails. Long arms.”
“Do you know what kind of monkeys they are?
“Sorry, I don’t have my Wonderful World of Monkeys Reference Volume handy right now. They’re monkeys. Bigger than a bread box.”
“There’s no need to be rude, Ma’am, I’m trying to be helpful here. This usually isn’t our area, but I’ll send a squad car anyway and contact animal control.”
Roz and Maxine were standing next to me in my side yard holding themselves tight to keep warm. I gave a quick scan around the rest of my yard, just to make sure a stray monkey or two hadn’t come down from the branches to check out life on land. Fake foam and resin tombstones and a hideously tacky inflatable witch decorated our lawn in anticipation of Halloween, just five days away, while handmade ghosts hung from my dwarf Japanese Maple. The inflatable witch was erected against my wishes by an insistent Amber and her relenting father, who decided to hit the high road shortly thereafter. Yup, plenty of Halloween on the ground, but luckily no monkeys.
While it had just turned colder in the last couple of days, Northern Virginia had been experiencing a doozy of an Indian Summer, giving every blade of grass in my lawn plenty of reason to grow knee high, despite the light layer of leaves that had already fallen to the ground. Sadly, my yard had the appearance of a long forgotten graveyard. Too much longer, and some pesky old man wearing three inch thick glasses and carrying a clip board would announce himself at my doorstep as a board member of the Rustic Woods Homeowners Association, and slap me with a hefty fine.
“Who were you talking to?” Roz asked.
“The police,” I said.
“How about animal control?” she asked.
“The dispatcher said she’d contact them. Do you think we should make the kids get in the house?” I asked. “Who knows if they have rabies.”
“Let the kids enjoy it. Those monkeys don’t look like they’re coming down any time soon. Hey, speaking of monkeys, the PTA meeting is Thursday and Peter has to work. Can Callie baby-sit?”
Roz was the PTA president at Tulip Tree Elementary School. She was wonder woman. Mother of two boys and a girl, each just a year apart in age, PTA President, den leader for Cub Scouts and volunteer at the local retirement home.
A person could always recognize Roz, even from a distance. Only about five foot three and thin as a rail, with thick blonde hair cut Dorothy Hamill style, her standard uniform was a calf-length, floral rayon dress with comfortable tan loafers. She must have had thirty of those dresses. She was also a devoted friend, and the only person who knew that Howard had moved out. She’d been my shoulder to cry on for the last few days.
While we shivered and gawked at the primates playing, a breeze blew through dropping acorns all around us. The wind seemed to have an effect on the monkeys too. The four of them all stopped moving for a minute, sitting on branches in two different trees. One crossed his arms as if he was cold too. After a moment of silence, they started chattering and climbing again.
“The dispatcher on the phone asked me what kind of monkeys they are – what do you think?” I asked the ladies.
“They’re definitely not chimpanzees. Too big for spider monkeys.” Roz offered.
“They have cute faces, eh?” Maxine grew up in Canada and even though she lived in Rustic Woods for over a quarter of a century, she still liked to say ‘eh?’ every once in a while.
“Where do you think they came from?” Roz wondered.
Suddenly I remembered the previous night’s adventure. “That’s it!” I shouted.
“That’s what?” Maxine asked.
“Last night – remember, Roz? I did hear a monkey. I’m not crazy after all.”
“That’s still to be determined.” Roz stated matter-of-factly.
Roz explained to Maxine, who looked puzzled. “A van pulled into the driveway of the vacant house over there last night . . .”
“Three o’clock in the morning,” I corrected her.
“. . . and Nancy Drew here came outside trying to see who it was. She claims she heard a monkey.”
“Right,” I agreed. “And after you went inside and there was this horrible howl and even though I didn’t see anyone, I heard some guy storm out of the back screaming something about toes.”
Maxine shook her head. “You young people sure have wild imaginations.”
“I didn’t imagine it. I heard a monkey and now look in my trees. How is that imagination? That’s plain freaky-weird is what that is.”
Chuckling, Maxine gave a tug on the leash. “Well, this has been fun girls, but Puddles and I have errands to run,” Maxine said as she turned to leave. “Let me know how this turns out, eh? And let me know if you find the crazy man with no toes.” As she started up the street trying to quiet Puddles, she pulled a cell phone out of her coat pocket and put it to her ear. She was probably calling her many widow friends to tell them about the crazy neighbor with monkeys in her trees.
As Maxine disappeared, a police cruiser turned onto White Willow Circle. It pulled just past my driveway and parked on the street.
“Are you sure you heard a man screaming?” Roz asked.
“Trust me, there was a whole lot more than screaming going on in that house. I’m sure of it.” A moment later, a very handsome, nicely proportioned policeman was standing in front of me asking for the owner of the home.
“That would be her,” Roz said smiling, pointing to me and winking.
“And your name, Ma’am?” he asked. He was all business.
“Barbara Marr.”
“You have an animal problem here? Monkeys . . .” he gave me a sideways glance.
“Look for yourself,” I said pointing to the trees. “Holy cow, Roz, is that another one?”
“Yes it is. That would be number five. They’re multiplying before our very eyes! Boys! Don’t touch the monkey poop! Yucky!”
Mr. Policeman looked concerned. “Ma’am, I suggest we get the children into the house until animal control has taken possession. We don’t know if they have rabies.”
I gave Roz my best I-told-you-so grin.
“Fine,” I said. “But first I have to ask you to stop calling me Ma’am – I turned forty-five today and I don’t need anymore reminders that years are passing me faster than light particles. Call me Barb.” I could see Mr. Policeman struggle not to smile, but he lost the battle and looked down at his feet while he regained a more stoic attitude. While Roz rounded up her kids to leave, she whispered in my ear.
“He’s cute,” she said. I agreed. He was cute. Stop it Barb, I told myself. You can’t think another man is cute. Not yet.
“Girls!” I shouted across the lawn. “Back in the house please.” My demand drew three frowns and lots of groans. “Hey, don’t blame me – the police officer here said so.”
I smiled at my new uniformed friend. “Sorry to do that, but I’m tired of always beingthe bad guy.”
“I’m used to it.” The barest hint of a grin appeared on one side of his mouth. The promise of a dimple looked possible if he would have allowed himself a full-out smile. He was looking better and better, this man of the law. He had a sort of Brad Pitt thing going there with his sandy blonde hair and all.
As it turned out, the time to consider the sex appeal of another man – Brad Pitt sexy or not – would have to wait. Howard’s Camry was pulling into the driveway.
Now, my husband Howard, more recently known as Howard-the-creep, looks a little like George Clooney – everyone says so. Same dark hair, a little less chin, slightly softer features. I had to admit, he was supremely handsome as husbands go, despite the fact that if a magic Jeannie were to grant me three wishes, the first would be that he suffer thirty consecutive days of passing golf-ball sized kidney stones.
I took a moment to consider the circumstances – Brad Pitt the policeman beside me, George Clooney the renegade husband walking up my driveway, and monkeys in my trees. Hmmm. Give me a Matt Damon look-alike from Animal Control and I might think I was at a read-through for Ocean’s Fourteen.
Howard had more than a slightly concerned look on his face as he eyeballed the police car parked in front of our house. He walked briskly across the front lawn landing just behind me and the uniformed stud.
“What’s going on here?” he asked. “Are the girls okay?”
“The girls are fine,” I said through clenched teeth. “Do you care about my well-being, oh by the way? Or maybe what I’m up to these days? Did you know I started working on my movie review website again? Are you interested in hearing about that? Oh, of course you’re not. That’s why you left. Come for more of your things?”
Howard dropped his shoulders and threw up his arms, knowing this was a lose-lose conversation.
“Officer,” I said. “This is my husband, Howard, but he doesn’t know about the monkeys because he moved out this week.”
“Monkeys?” Howard asked, ignoring my sarcasm.
“In your trees sir,” said Officer Brad, looking relieved that animal control had arrived just in time to rescue him from a potential domestic disturbance.
“What happened?” Howard asked looking up. “Jesus! Where did they come from?”
I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my brows. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to see the girls for a few minutes and to see if you had calmed down enough to talk about things.”
“Things?”
“Barb, come on,” he whined. “I’m trying here.”
Damn! He even whined liked George Clooney. I had a hard time being mad at him as I looked into his sumptuous, deep brown eyes. Those were the eyes I got lost in when I met him at college. Now his perfect nearly-black hair had these super sexy silver streaks running through at the temples. I could just take a big bite of him. No time for reminiscing or getting all hot and bothered though. Time to show him I didn’t give a hoot.
“Trying? You’re trying?” I shook my head. “I don’t think so. Just go in and see the girls. I’ve got a house to take care of here . . . and . . . monkeys to catch.” I stomped off to talk to animal control whose second van had just arrived.
*****
An hour later, animal control and the monkeys were gone. Officer Brad Pitt Look-a-like too. Sure that the monkeys were related to the strange goings-on at House of Many Bones, I gave him a full account of what I had witnessed the night before. He nodded politely, semi-interested, but was dispatched to another emergency, so I didn’t get a warm and fuzzy that the police would be looking into it anytime soon. He did leave me his card though, in case I saw “anything else suspicious.” Turned out he had a real name – Eric LaMon. Nice name, I thought. Nice butt.
Howard was on the phone in the kitchen when I came back into the house after bidding the Fairfax County contingent farewell.
“Yeah Mom,” he was saying, “we’ll see about Thanksgiving. I love you too.” And he hung up. He had a guilty look on his face. “I called her from here so it would show on her caller ID.”
“You didn’t tell her?”
“No.” He was looking down, tapping his fingers on the counter. He couldn’t look me in the eyes.
“Thanksgiving?” I inquired. “What’s that all about?”
Howard was acting more uncomfortable than ever.
“I’ll tell you later. I’ll call you – maybe we can meet somewhere and talk things out. Calmly. I gotta go.”
He was pushing all of my buttons. “You ‘gotta go’? What do you ‘gotta do’?” I was on a roll, shoving finger quotes in the air in front of his face and everything. “It’s Saturday for crying out loud. You certainly don’t have the yard to take care of. I guess that’s my job now, huh?” Sarcasm appeared to be my weapon of choice. He was either oblivious or immune to it by now, because he just looked at me, kissed me on the forehead, and started to leave.
Noticing a piece of paper by the phone I picked it up. “Is this yours?” Reading what was on the note, I stopped. Scribbled in pencil was the name Marjorie Smith and a phone number with a local area code. Howard snatched it out of my hand.
“Who’s Marjorie?” I asked, stunned. The room started to spin a little.
“A woman at work,” he said shoving the paper into the breast pocket of his Boston Fog.
“Why do you need her phone number?”
“She’s selling me a couch.”
“Why do you need a couch?”
“To sit on. I’ll call.” He was gone. Out the door. I looked around the empty room, seething and perplexed.
I had absolutely no idea what Howard was doing – or more frightfully WHO he was doing. But now I had a name. Marjorie Smith. Selling him a couch. Every time I even barely let myself go there – to consider that he might be having a affair – I turned into a sobbing mess. I didn’t want to cry anymore. Wimpy women cry.
Taking a moment to get my mental bearings, I thought about the girls. I wasn’t going to let them see me be weak. They deserved better. I was going to be a rock. A brick wall. A lighthouse in the storm. I was going to be like Sigourney Weaver in Alien. Lieutenant Ripley. Now there was a strong woman to admire. Buff bitch who took no shit. If that woman could survive man-eating aliens, I could survive a little marital mishap. I needed to go to the gym though, if I was going to look like Sigourney’s Lieutenant Ripley.
Figuring the girls were upstairs playing or on computers, I decided to check the mail. The mailman had arrived just as Animal Control was slamming their last van door shut. Striding out the door, I whispered a little mantra to myself. She’s selling him a couch. She’s selling him a couch. She’s selling him a couch. I was hoping that if I said it over and over again, I’d come to believe it. In my driveway, I was surprised to see Howard standing on the front lawn of House of Many Bones, talking on his cell phone. When he saw me, he flipped the phone shut and walked my way.
“What were you doing?” I asked, eyeing him suspicously.
“Just checking the place out. What did you say you heard last night?”
“Did I tell you about that?”
“Didn’t you tell me about that?”
“I don’t remember . . .”
His cell rang and he looked at it, but didn’t answer. “Look, I’ve got to get back to work. We’ll talk about . . . well . . . look . . . nevermind. Just . . . be careful.” He slipped into his Camry, backed out fast and sped away, just in time for my friend Peggy to pull up in her blue Honda Odyssey. My house was beginning to feel like Grand Central Station
“Ciao, baby!” she hailed, stepping onto the drive. Peggy was a pasty-skinned, red-headed, stout lady of obvious Irish lineage who converted to Judaism before she married and then to Italian-ism after she married. For their honeymoon, she and her husband, Simon, spent an entire month in Italy. Ever since, she has talked Italian, walked Italian, cooked Italian and often forgotten that her maiden name was O’Malley, not Minnelli.
“Hey, Peggy,” I said. I was glad to see Peggy – she had a way of making people happy.
She noticed I was watching House of Many Bones. “Whatcha lookin’ for-a Signora?” she asked. “More monkeys?”
Word had already spread.
“Talked to Roz, huh?” I asked. “You should have been here – it was wild. But no, I’m not looking for more monkeys. I’m trying to figure out why Howard was just . . .” I shook my head and looked back at House of Many Bones. “Something very strange is going on here I tell you.”
“I’m so sorry about Howard.” She touched my arm and gave me that yes-Roz-told-me face. There were many people in this world who I did not want to have knowledge of my current personal dilemma, but Peggy was not one of them. I was actually glad Roz told her so I wouldn’t be forced to recount the gory details another time.
“Thanks,” I said. “He stopped by. But he left again.”
“So,” she picked her words carefully, leaning against her van, “was this mutual?”
“Nope. He just told me one night, and he moved out the next day. I don’t even know where he is. He won’t tell me.” I felt another cry coming on, but choked it back. Lieutenant Ripley would have been proud.
“Mama Mia. Did he say why?” she asked.
“Hmmm, what were his exact words . . . oh yes, they’re etched in my memory forever: ‘I need space.'”
“Oh, that one,” she nodded. “Joanna Spelling’s husband told her he needed space too. Turned out the space he needed was a condo in Leesburg for boinking their nanny. In fact,” she said, pointing a knowing finger in my direction, “I hear babysitters are the leading cause of divorce next to the secretary. Any nannies in your past?”
“Not a one. And he doesn’t have a secretary.” I didn’t mention Marjorie Smith. Saying it out loud would be like admitting the possibility that Howard was with another w
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