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Free Kindle Nation Shorts — April 24, 2011: An Excerpt from “Driving On The Wrong Side Of The Road Humorous Views On Love, Lust, & Lawncare,” By Diana Estill

 

Mother’s Day is just around the corner.

It’s only right that you should treat yourself — or someone you love — to a chance to laugh out loud in the best of company.

 


Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road:

Humorous Views On Love, Lust, & Lawncare

by Diana Estill

Just $2.99 on Kindle

Home is where the heartiest laughs are, and nobody’s house and life offer up quite the same comedic cuisine as author, journalist and funny lady Diana Estill.

The Texas humorist believes that life’s foibles, failures and frustrations offer some of the best opportunities for laughter.

In today’s 4,900-word Free Kindle Nation Short from Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road, she invites readers to laugh along with her about the humor that really — honestly! — can be found in self checkout, rebate coupon rules, alternate cow-sourced energy, cars and, since she’s a Texan, pickup trucks.

With the vehicles parked in the vignettes below, she ponders the oft-mentioned “average household” and wraps up our treat with the word on the jalapeno.

Click here to begin reading the free excerpt

Here’s the set-up:

 

Often compared to the late, great humorist Erma Bombeck, Diana Estill confronts everyday life with her smile- and laugh-filled take on it all.  Most of us live the silly moments without appreciating their humor.  Estill shows us how to fix that.

 

Hilarious explanations for “why men grill”, “women want denim”, “your bedmate won’t stop snoring”, and other socially intriguing questions from the award-winning author of Deedee Divine’s Totally Skewed Guide to Life are contained in her book, Driving On The Wrong Side Of The Road, from which we get a free nuggets today.

 

“Personal slices of life served in the spirit of Erma Bombeck,” says ForeWord Clarion Reviews.

 

The tales in Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road will make you want to keep your partner, claim your kin, and hug your dog.

 

Clean humor suitable for anyone who likes (or needs) to laugh at life’s frustrations.

 

Most reviewers agree with the crew at Armchair Interviews, who said:

 

Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road by Diana Estill is a sparkling collection of humorous vignettes that range from the anecdotal to the philosophical–and almost everything in between.

 

Drawing mainly from her own experiences, from youth right through to Grandma-hood, and with her tongue lodged firmly in her cheek, Diana Estill provides guidance and advice on such wide-ranging topics as wedding anniversary gifts, handling jalapeno peppers, and football terminology for dummies. Interspersed with such ruminations are hilarious anecdotes such as the Christmas Monopoly game that did not become a ‘family tradition,’ and the testosterone-fuelled Texas Chain Saw Adventure.

 

Click here to begin reading the free excerpt


Driving on the Wrong Side of the Road: Humorous Views On Love, Lust, & Lawncare

by Diana Estill

List Price: $2.99
4.7 Stars – 13 Reviews

Buy Now

UK CUSTOMERS: Click on the title below to download

DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD

Two More for Kindle by Diana Estill

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Stilettos No More

by Diana Estill

$2.99

excerptFree Kindle Nation Shorts – April 24, 2011

An Excerpt from
Driving On The Wrong Side Of The Road

Humorous Views On Love,

Lust, & Lawncare

 

By Diana Estill

Copyright © 2011 by Diana Estill and published here with her permission

Self-Checkout Machines Must Go

 

Have you ever been held hostage by a self-checkout machine? I’m talking about one of those stupid mechanical contraptions that has replaced human grocery checkers so that we now have only ourselves to blame for crushed bread.

Normally, I would never attempt to communicate with one of these robotic demons. But only two manned stations were open, each having six to eight patrons in queue, while fourteen empty self-checkout lanes sat enticingly available. “Come hither,” the self-scanners beckoned, “and bring me your apples.”

Right off, The Evil One asked me to choose a language: Spanish, English, Yiddish, Pig-Latin, etc. Of course, I selected Texan. It then told me to scan my first item, so I did. It was a tube of lipstick.

Beep!

No problem. The tube glided down the conveyor belt, where it promptly lodged between the belt and the metal rollers near the bagging area. I disregarded this slight malfunction and scanned my next item, a pizza the size of a hubcap. (Hey, at least it was thin crust.) The box moved along just fine until it hit the lipstick. Then it twisted and jammed itself between the belt and the staging area.

That’s two for two. Maybe the next item will shove them along.

I hoisted a six-pack of flavored water above the scanner and waved it back and forth. Nothing. Not even a “thank you.” Tilting the bottles, I tried again. Still nothing. Finally, I noticed a bar code on the inside of one of the plastic containers. Now what? Do I scan it six times or only once? Having never before worked as a grocery clerk, I couldn’t be sure. So I scanned it once. This caused The Evil One to go, “Beep!” and then say, “two dollars and twenty-nine cents,” which I’m fairly certain was the store’s added profit from the fifteen minutes of payroll time I’d already saved them.

The water coasted along until it hit the pizza box. And then Satan yelled, “Remove unwanted items from the belt.” Three seconds later, in compliance with ADA regulations, the beast repeated itself a little louder. “Remove unwanted items from the belt!”

But I want all of the items on the belt. There aren’t any unwanted items on the belt!

I lifted the pizza box so the monster would shut up. But now I was standing there holding a pizza and wondering what to do next. Bewildered, I looked around for anyone wearing a name tag. A girl ducked behind a register two aisles away. I swear. She pretended to reload something underneath a counter. A few moments later, I saw her monitoring me as though she might be witnessing a robbery in progress. She seemed to enjoy every second of my frustration. Just to fake her out, I grabbed a bottle of moisturizer and pretended like I was about to slip it into my purse. (Already, Lucifer had lured me over to the Dark Side.) At the last second, I scanned the object and shot her a smirk.

Through the store windows, I noticed the sun had crept low on the horizon. The shoppers that had previously lined the two staffed register lanes were all gone. Probably they were home, their dinners cooked and eaten, their feet propped before their television sets.

Clearly, I am not a good cashier because I am too slow. Feeling inept, I reminded myself that I didn’t go to college to become a proficient grocery checker; yet, there I was.

The Evil One said, “Fifty-nine dollars and sixty-seven cents is your total. Please select your payment method.”

I stared at the screen, which now contained several rectangles to choose from: Cash, Debit Card, Credit Card, Library Card, or Pawn My Watch. There should have been another option I’ve since decided-one that said “Lost Time, Hypertension, and Humiliation.”

 

****

 

 

The Rebate Factor

 

“I can buy a new computer with all the bells and whistles for less than half what we paid for our old one,” my husband enthused. He hadn’t bothered to consider the consequences of “the rebate factor.”

“What’s the price?” I asked.

“With the rebate,” he qualified, “it’s only six hundred.”

I shuddered, realizing what this meant.

Later, I followed my man into the electronics mega-center like a calf being led to slaughter. The trip reminded me of my childhood excursions to the hardware store with my dad-only there were no nails. If I wanted to injure myself, I’d have to venture into the combat zone over by the high definition TVs.

After an hour-long debate over the pros and cons of extended warranties, modems, cables, mouses (mice?) and media packages only Time Warner might need, we’d completed our purchases and were free to leave.

“I’m letting you deal with these rebates,” I said handing a wad of receipts to my hubby. “I always have to do them.” I acted like the process was something anyone could manage without an advanced degree and antidepressants.

“Fine,” he agreed. “I’ll do it as soon as we get home.”

“Sure you will,” I said, snickering. “Just wait until you see what’s involved.”

He rolled his eyes. “How hard can it be?”

Once he’d unpacked all the boxes, my fellow lamented, “Good grief. There’s, like, sixteen rebates here!”

I hid inside my office and pretended to be writing. But eventually I mumbled, “Uh-uh.”

A few seconds later he yelled, “How in the heck am I supposed to send the original UPC code to two different places?” I smiled and kept on typing. And then I heard, “These *%#* scissors won’t cut through this box! Do we have ANYTHING sharp in this house anywhere?”

“Can’t you just use a knife?” I shouted back.

“Yeah, I’m thinking about using one on whoever came up with the idea for these rebates. Where are my glasses? I can’t find the flashlight, and I can’t read a darn thing on these forms!”

By the time I joined hubby in the hallway, I was feeling pretty smug. The sight of him sitting there, straddle-legged, hovering over nine receipts with a magnifying glass cracked me up.

This was quite possibly the worst rebate challenge either of us had ever encountered. The breakdown went like this: $50 manufacturer’s rebate for the monitor and another $50 for the computer, $150 electronics store rebate for any combination of computer and monitor, $50 electronics store rebate for any computer and printer combo, and another $20 store rebate for any computer package (computer, monitor, and printer).

Each rebate required submittal of a copy of the sales receipt, original UPC code, and the serial and ESN numbers cut from the box.

“How am I supposed to know which one of these is the right number?” my bewildered mate complained. “There are nine different bar codes on this box!”

Two days later, after we’d completed and mailed all of the forms, I turned over the sales receipt and read, “For exchange or refund, the product must be returned in its original condition, including the box, UPC bar code, packaging, and all accessories.” This computer, I suddenly realized, could turn out to be the most expensive one we’ve ever owned.

Months passed, and I forgot all about those rebates. While sorting through our mail one day, I noticed what looked like an advertisement from my guy’s favorite electronics store. Harrumph! I’m not getting suckered into any more of their deals. I stuck the ad in together with some empty envelopes to be discarded. Then for no reason, I decided to open it.

Inside was a rebate check for $150.

I’m thinking maybe I’ll use the money to pay for our meds.

 

****

 

 

Promoting Pasture Pie Power

 

If you’re like me, you’re tired of paying high gasoline and home energy prices. So I know you’ll be as excited as I was to discover this news; your car, the one you’re driving right now, can run on corn. And your house might soon be powered by cow patties!

Now, before you start pulling those little nibblers from the freezer and shoving them into your automobile gas tank, let me explain. Two Dallas energy firms have announced plans to build ethanol plants in the Texas Panhandle. (No, contrary to belief, ethanol plants are not in any way related to tobacco.)

Ethanol is a byproduct of corn. And according to an article I studied for several seconds, today’s cars can run on a gasoline mix that can be as much as 85 percent ethanol. (I’ve no idea where you can buy ethanol or how to mix it with gasoline, so please hold your letter requests.)

But the news keeps getting better. These new ethanol processing plants will be fueled by cow patties! Yes, you read that right-cow chips-which begs an obvious question: how many cow pies does it take to generate a gallon of ethanol? Or better still, how many cattle does it take to excrete enough pasture Frisbees to make a tanker car full of ethanol? And where, exactly, would one locate such a processing plant? Well, inHereford, Texas, of course-cattle capital of the world, where residents are already used to the smell of fresh manure.

My mind reeled with the many possibilities associated with this new venture. If an ethanol processing plant can be powered by pasture pies, then maybe electric power plants can, too! And if that were true, TXU Electric might soon have to ask for rate hikes based on the increasing cost of manure. They could suddenly begin grazing cattle along utility pole rights-of-way. And given our deregulated markets, we could be flooded with utility firms carrying names like Excrement Electric and Cow Pie Energy.

Immediately, I saw several more problems. First, there’ll be a direct impact on the fertilizer industry. Homeowners will have to decide which is more important-lush lawns or the fuel required to mow them. And beef could all but disappear from food store freezers. I mean, why slaughter something that if left alive will fuel your car and generate low cost energy? Perhaps someone should have researched powering these plants with dog doo instead.

But wait. What about that corn? Folks, I see a serious shortage developing. Think about it. Corn is needed to feed the cows that make the manure that fuels the processing plant that produces the ethanol. Yet the ethanol itself is derived from corn. Corn has suddenly become the key to our whole economy! Entire industries (tortilla, muffin, and even beer) could be crippled by corn shortages. National parklands could be consumed by this crop. Price wars could be waged and legislation enacted to stabilize the forces of supply and demand. Cornmeal lobbyists might become even more powerful than they already are!

Well, if all that happens, most of us will still enjoy major benefits from new forms of renewable energy. We’ll be able to drive on chicken feed and power our homes for the price of a few cow pies. So I say let the chips fall where they may.

 

****

 

 

What’s Driving New Car Buyers?

 

Every autumn, the new car models arrive, and auto dealers cleverly invent all kinds of gimmicks to rid themselves of last year’s leftovers. Among some of the incentives offered are free gas (though the ads don’t specify if that’s petrol, diesel, natural gas, or bodily emissions) and no car payments until next year.

These tricksters don’t tell you that those deferred car payments will cost you twice as much six months from now. But hey, somebody has to keep the Repo Man employed.

Today, the playing field has been leveled, and average folks who haven’t had an autoworker in the family for two generations can now qualify for “employee pricing.” This means you can just waltz right into that showroom and expect those salespeople to treat you as well as they’d deal with any auto factory worker.

It’s been rumored that the current employee pricing options are based on those received by Darla Dimwitt. Darla purchased a mustard-toned 2004 compact car last year. After she agreed to finance her vehicle at 15 percent interest for five years, she received a 10-percent discount on the price of the car minus options such as full-size wheels. (Unfortunately, Darla’s boyfriend disappeared with the runabout before she was able to collect on the free car mats.)

Incentives or not, my husband starts contemplating a new car purchase every July. And by September, he’s completed his research and is ready to pitch his choice to me. “I think we need to go hybrid,” he said this year. Poring over the newspaper sale ads, he added, “But I hear there’s a six-month waiting list.”

“Shoot,” I replied real serious-like. “Who’d want to do that? By then, next year’s models will be out!”

“Good point,” he admitted. Then he went right back to studying the auto section.

I do my best to break my man’s new car fever for as long as possible. And then I refuse to step foot onto any sales lot until all the tire kicking and haggling are over. The way I’ve got it figured, “dealer prep” and “fleet manager” sound an awful lot like medical terms. Any industry that uses such phrases must want to surgically remove something from me. Probably, that’s my wallet.

Yet, there are plenty of valid reasons to buy a new car; better gas mileage and fewer repairs, for instance. And those huge rebates are often the only way to pay for last year’s holiday purchases before this year’s kick in.

Periodically, drivers of neutral-painted cars are forced to replace their vehicles because they lose them. On any given Sunday night, at least a dozen white sedans can be found in otherwise empty mall parking lots. Tragically, those autos have been abandoned by owners who simply gave up on ever finding them again. Like Darla, these future buyers will gravitate toward Dijon-colored cars.

Still, some individuals think they can steer their way to status. So every time they get a salary increase, they ratchet up their transportation. (The psychological term for this is the “Na-na-na-na-na, I’m driv-ing a Jag-uar” syndrome.”) You’ll see these same people standing in line at McDonald’s paying for their Happy Meals with their Visa cards.

Finally, there are those like my hubby who can’t stand the idea of owning an outdated set of wheels. Unfortunately, this trendsetter mentality doesn’t carry over to his closet. His wardrobe is vintage ’80s.

So don’t be surprised if you see my guy driving around in something sporty and new. When you spot him, please do me a favor. Ask him if that jacket he’s wearing is an authentic Members Only.

 

****

 

 

Twelve-Step Support for Pickup Truck Owners

 

With gasoline prices spiraling higher every day, I’ve been thinking a lot about pickup trucks. Studying the roadways causes me to wonder if gas guzzling might be a local pastime. The compact cars and sedans of yesterday no longer dominate our streets. Now, it seems that everyone drives a fuel-hogging truck or an SUV.

I can’t help wondering; at what gas price will pickup truck and SUV owners be forced to trade their vehicles for something more along the line of, say, a Mini Cooper? Or better still, use their John Deere riding lawn mowers for local transportation? (Maybe even hook up one of those garden trailers to tote the kids.)

I know I’m in Texas where essentially only two types of people exist: those who own a pickup truck, and those who need one. But I’ve always been a member of the latter camp because, given the choices, I’d rather be a borrower than a lender. It didn’t take me long to figure out that, when I needed a truck, I could rent one from a home improvement store (and use their gas) for $19.99/hour. No special insurance required. No expensive tires to buy. No gas mileage concerns. And, frankly, no one who’d be inclined to ask me to help them move during weekends.

Now, I realize that construction contractors can’t pull a trailer with a Toyota Prius, and families with children have lifestyle challenges that prevent them from converting to gas-efficient autos. You can’t easily force three children, two Game Boys, a personal DVD player, four movies, a small ice cooler, and a twenty-piece bucket of chicken into a Volkswagen Jetta. Maybe soon they’ll come out with a hybrid vehicle that will run on snack cake wrappers and juice box and Happy Meal containers. Probably some big wheel at McDonald’s has already authorized and funded the research.

Personally, I’m waiting for the hybrid car that’ll go fifty miles on a bundle of wire coat hangers or a loaf of moldy sandwich bread. If they ever develop an automobile that runs on recycled paper, I’ll be fueled for life. In fact, I’ve been stockpiling resources for years.

A fellow I know wants a flashy sports car that will climb from 0- to 80-mph in sixty seconds, one that can be rocketed by either beard clippings or intestinal gas.

But until these alternatives fuels can be implemented (or until folks take their riding lawn mowers out into the streets), maybe someone ought to start a support group for gas guzzlers, a sort of twelve-step organization for truck owners, if you will. These individuals surely could use a place to process their pain.

If you need a sponsor, you can easily locate me because I’m often steering a pickup that displays a big blue sign. There’s an ad on the driver’s side door that reads, “Rent me for just $19.99.”

 

****

 

In Search of the Average Household

 

Heating and cooling bills are expected to skyrocket by as much as 90 percent in the coming months. Because of this, journalists suggest the average electric bill will run about $175 per month. Using that same 90-percent forecast, however, ours will eclipse the cost of my granddaughter’s entire Barbie collection (including Ken and Kelly).

This causes me to wonder. Who are these “average” people anyway? I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of constantly being compared to someone I can’t identify. Who’s responsible for these impossible to achieve living standards? Good grief. My dry-cleaning expenses exceed what the average American shells out annually for clothing (roughly $400). How is that possible? Are they nudists or what?

The standard household gets fewer miles out of their car each year than I get out of my credit cards. And the only way I could match the average health care premium ($226 per month) would be to eliminate everyone on our plan except maybe the cat.

The typical Texan spends $153 per month on gasoline and substantially less on auto insurance. And neither their property taxes nor their holiday purchases force them to take out a home equity loan. Obviously, they’re driving a golf cart, living in a travel trailer, and frequenting garage sales.

In search of elusive and occasionally fictitious journalistic sources, I recently located the culprit behind these irksome statistics-Robert Paul and Betty Joanne Average.

Yes, that’s right. Robert and Betty, a retired couple living in South Texas, signed up for MediaShortcuts.com. In doing so, they became instant references for thousands of writers who are either too lazy or underpaid to make long distance phone calls. Do you need a statistic about the “Average” household? Just e-mail Robert and Betty Joanne.

Because I have free long distance service on my cell phone, I contacted Mr. and Mrs. Average. Here’s what I learned during an interview with them:

 

I’m curious how you keep your utility bills so low. Exactly how large is your home?

Robert: We’ve got over a thousand square feet, about twelve-hundred, altogether. It’s a concrete block and stucco one story, which really helps. And I put in one of those solar-powered hot water heaters, too.

 

Betty: (Giggling) We also shower together sometimes.

 

Okay. I understand you’ve taken an economical and efficient approach to home construction and water conservation, but how about your auto-related expenses?

Betty: Well, we only have the one car because I never learned how to drive.

 

Robert: I’m still driving my old El Camino. Bought her new, right off the showroom floor, back in 1987. Runs like a top. And we don’t need much insurance out here because the only road hazard in these parts is the four-legged kind.

 

Well, that explains quite a bit. But I’d like to know how you keep those holiday purchases under $600 every year.

 

Betty: Oh, that’s easy. Robert spends so much time hunting deer, turkey, and wild hogs in the fall that I get a little stir crazy. So I pull out my sewing machine to pass the time. I make a lot of our gift items. Last year, I made Robert a set of sweats out of camo-print polar fleece, but picking him free of all those cockleburs after he wore them sure wasn’t something I’d counted on.

 

Well, thank you both. You’ve been a big help.

 

There you have it, folks. The next time you catch yourself wondering why your expenses seem out of whack with the average household’s, don’t be fooled by semantics. “Average” doesn’t necessarily mean “typical.”

 

Next, I’m going to track down Mr. and Mrs. Standard.

 

****

 

 

Texas Trouble

 

Jalapeño Hazards

 

At first glance, jalapeño peppers might appear innocuous. However, bite into one, and you’ll feel as though you’ve emptied a thousand Red Hots into your mouth. And if the juice should touch your lips, you’ll swear you’ve been sprayed with mace.

Despite this, jalapeños are an essential ingredient in Tex-Mex cuisine. My hot sauce recipe is no exception. One day, though, these peppers punched up more than my salsa.

It was a sizzling day in August on an afternoon so hot that squirrels refused to scamper and cicadas agreed to silence. My son Ron, his wife Julie, and the dog they affectionately call my “grandpuppy” had just arrived from out of town. Initially, I thought our swimming pool might be responsible for their impromptu visit, but soon I realized they’d simply run out of hot sauce.

I said, “I’ll make some for you, if you agree to help me.” Then I held open my refrigerator door for several minutes, letting the chilled air dry my damp face. “Let me see,” I said, peering inside. “I’ve got tomatoes, cilantro, Spanish onions, bell peppers, and, of course, these,” I said, handing a bag of jalapeño peppers to Ron. “You can seed them.”

He seated himself at the kitchen table, and asked, “What do you mean? Seed?”

“I mean cut them lengthwise and scrape out all the seeds.” Did he need me to say this in Pig Latin? I warned him to be careful. “You don’t want to get any of that juice on you. Anywhere.”

Ron gave me a look that suggested maybe I’d regressed a full twenty years. “I think I can handle it, Mom.” He grabbed a serrated knife and sawed away.

I thought, He might be a police officer but he does’t know everything. “Don’t rub your eyes, whatever you do,” I insisted.

“Got it,” he said with a smirk.

Julie agreed she’d peel the tomatoes if I’d chop the onions and cilantro. As the three of us butchered produce, an odoriferous cloud formed inside the kitchen. This made our eyes water and the dog gasp for breath, so we opened a door.

Our red and green soup had to first simmer, and then boil for thirty minutes. Waiting, I cleaned the aftermath of what looked like a vegetable massacre. I’d just begun rinsing my hands when my mother phoned.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Making hot sauce,” I said. “Ron and Julie are here.”

“Hot sauce! What are you going to do with that?”

Mom doesn’t understand voluntary combustion. She’s the only one in our family who won’t consume spicy foods. “Well, I thought we might eat it,” I said, laughing. Then I scanned the room for Ron, hoping he might be nearby and willing to rescue me from this inquisition. Maybe he’d want to say “hi” to his grandmother, but he’d gone to the restroom.

Mom had completed her dietary critique when I heard Ron race into the kitchen. He looked as if he’d been hit with a branding iron, bouncing first on one foot and then the other. With one hand, he firmly clasped his “manhood.”

I pulled free of the phone receiver and mouthed, “What’s wrong with you?”

He shouted back, “I’m on F-I-R-E! Quick! What do you put on a jalapeño burn?”

Confused, I asked, “Where’s the burn?”

“On my John-son!”

Mom hollered through the receiver, “What did he just say?”

I ignored the question. “How did you get jalapeño juice on that?” I inquired not really wanting to know.

“He got juice on his privates?” Mom said.

I searched the room for Julie and found her standing to my right. She stared at her husband and giggled.

“Is ANYBODY going to give me something here?” cried Ron.

From the refrigerator I retrieved a tub of margarine. “Here. Take this and rub some on . . . you know,” I said, handing him the spread. “Just don’t dip!”

“Tell him to pour milk on it,” Mom instructed.

I repeated this to Julie. She grabbed a carton and chased after him.

Now, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t savored this moment. Come to think of it, that hot sauce was the best I’ve ever made!

… continued …

 

Want to continue reading? Click on the title below to download the entire novel for just $2.99!

 



Kindle Nation Daily Free Book Alert, Sunday, April 24: Have a Glorious Easter with Over 250 Free Contemporary Titles on Kindle, plus … Think Forrest Gump meets Evangeline: Charlie White’s Fatfingers is Today’s Free Book Alert Sponsor

The Easter Bunny may bring you a basket of sweets one day a year, but our Kindle Nation Daily Free Book Alerts show up every morning with the latest additions to our 250+ Free Book Alert listings….

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The hapless 18th Century carpenter, Etienne, sets out from Nova Scotia on a journey that is out of his control. Along the way he gathers together a posse of other “losers” looking for a better life…

 Fatfingers 
by Charlie White
4.0 out of 5 stars   2 Reviews
Text-to-Speech: Enabled 
Don’t have a Kindle? Get yours here

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In 1753 the British cleared all the French out of their part of Nova Scotia. Some went to Haiti, some went to the colonies, some ended up in New Orleans. Concubines and slave dealers, torturers and priests populate this timeless novel of heartbreak and loss. Oh, and pirates

What the Reviewers Say 

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A FAIRY TALE ROMANCE about sacrificial love and the rite of passage from teenage angst and confusion to maturity.  Blood Line deals in a most subtle and clever way with the reality of true love. 

When Lauren MacBreach’s angel turns up and offers to save her from a fate worse than death she turns him down. It does not take her very long to regret her decision as she is catapulted across the Atlantic to an unknown destination filled with crazy people who attempt to do away with her. 

She meets Euphemia – ‘Mia’ – a distant cousin who has more than a little interest in the Laird; Ginger, who is a little too trigger happy for comfort; Erroll, who has a strange take on eightsome reels.

Historical enactments of the Boston tea party and a Haggis Hunt add to the fun.  But why does the vicar have a sacrificial altar in his bedroom? What was the Laird of Tomindoul doing on his visit to the King of Spain? And just who is The Tawny Man?

Fortunately her angel is there to save her. After all, she is his first case. But even he ist fallible. In doubt as to whether the stunningly tall, dark and handsome Laird of Tomindoul is to be her husband or her killer, Lauren trusts her angel will save her from that fate worse than death. But she does not know when or how.

A hilarious romp in the Scottish Highlands, Blood Line is a Gothic comedy. 

“Hamilton has an incredible sense of character voice and behavior.”

“I especially loved the perfect ending.”

“A real corker of a novel . . . earthly and angelic.”

From the reviewers:

What do an angel that glows with the same power as a 60 watt light bulb, a stolen shadow, missed homework reports and a Scottish Laird have in common? Precisely!  An absolute must, this is a real corker of a novel for young and old, earthly and angelic. A must read from this fabulous new author.

BLOOD LINE is a clever premise. Although it’s intended as a young adult novel, it is also interesting to adults. Certianly I enjoyed it. This is by far the most unusual romance since “Sleepless in Seattle.”

This book has some interesting twists and turns, definitely taking the reader to unexpected places! I also loved the use of humor throughout….not in-your-face humor, but subtle humor. Very imaginative author! Will be watching for more from her!


Kate Hamilton lives in her writing studio in Edinburgh, Scotland.  She loves driving her sports car in the beautiful Scottish landscape, playing classical piano and reading.

Visiting castles, country houses and interesting locations provide her with inspiration.  Sometimes she will visit a new location only to discover she had already written about it in a novel.

Her conclusion is that there is more to this thing we call imagination than we realize.  Kate grew up in Highgate, North London and has lived in many places abroad including Southeast Asia.


Kindle Nation Daily Free Book Alert, Saturday, April 23: Two Brand New Pre-Order Previews + 250 Other Free Kindle Books! plus … Craig Spector’s A Question of Will (Today’s Sponsor) comes highly recommended by bestselling thriller author Peter Straub

Whether you feel like cooking up some romance or a recipe for mystery with a Turkish twist, we’ve got some fascinating free reading for you atop this morning’s latest additions to our 250+ Free Book Alert listings….


 

But first, a word from … Today’s Sponsor

What happens when a local hero – a firefighter and paramedic – finds his personal world at the short end of a vicious crime? Chart Paul Kelly’s transformation from a good guy to a man descending into darkness, searching for an explanation of this evil….
 

“This is what horror wants to be when it grows up, a vision of tragic inevitability rooted in character, ruthless and inexorably unfolding, yet shot through with the possibility of grace.” –Peter Straub


A Question of Will
by Craig Spector
5 Stars – 2 Reviews
Text-to-Speech: Enabled
Don’t have a Kindle? Get yours here.

How far would you go?”

Please note: The author and his publisher will be donating 25 percent of all proceeds to Parents of Murdered Children (POMC) for all of April and May.



Here’s the set-up:

Paul Kelly is a good man: a firefighter and paramedic facing death and danger daily, risking his own safety for the sake of strangers. Paul has seen tragedy a thousand times, but it has never been his own. Until now… 

A shocking crime. A loved one, brutally murdered. Paul’s life is suddenly invaded by police, reporters, the harsh glare of spotlights on a family’s private sorrow. The killer shows no sorrow, no remorse – a teen sociopath whose dead eyes stare in sullen silence. Paul does not want blood or vengeance. He wants to know why.

Paul Kelly was a good man. But his obsession is drawing him into the darkest depths of the human soul. Where a terrible truth lurks in the shadows of lies. And a price must be paid to answer…


 

What the Reviewers Say
“In A QUESTION OF WILL, Craig Spector… has achieved a mature, hard-won narrative authority that will be deeply gratifying to all, as well as to the many thousands of readers who have enjoyed his earlier work. The novel moves its protagonist from believable heroism into an equally convincing moral darkness terrible to behold, and it carries us with it every step along the way. This is what horror wants to be when it grows up, a vision of tragic inevitability rooted in character, ruthless and inexorably unfolding, yet shot through with the possibility of grace.”
–Peter Straub 

“Spector (THE LIGHT AT THE END) is a strong writer who convincingly re-creates the dark, often gruesome world of paramedics and firefighters. Most impressive is his exploration into Paul’s character and how ordinary people cope with extraordinary grief and horror. Not for the faint of heart, Spector’s latest is for lovers of the best psychological thrillers, along the lines of Ruth Rendell’s.”
–Publishers Weekly

A powerful novel of one man’s search for an answer after a loved one is brutally murdered. The question is why? Filled with heartbreak and horror, an unflinching trip into the heart of darkness. Highest recommendation. “
–Recluse


Click here to download A Question of Will (or a free sample) to your Kindle, iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch, BlackBerry, Android-compatible, PC or Mac and start reading within 60 seconds!

UK CUSTOMERS: Click on the title below to download
Each day’s list is sponsored by one paid title. We encourage you to support our sponsors and thank you for considering them.
Authors, Publishers, iPad Accessory Manufacturers:
Interested in learning more about sponsorship? Just click on this link for more information.
 

Free Contemporary Titles in the Kindle Store
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Just use the slider at right of your screen below to scroll through a complete, updated list of free contemporary Kindle titles, and click on an icon like this one (at right) to read a free sample right here in your browser! Titles are sorted in reverse chronological order so you can easily see new freebies.

In the words of one historian, the Civil War is “the American Iliad” – Here’s a historical novel that brings that truth to life: Timothy Woods’ GRANT ME TIMELY GRACE is our Kindle Nation eBook of the Day, and Here’s a Free Sample- 4.5 stars – just $2.99 on Kindle!



With Robert Redford’s THE CONSPIRATOR in theatres, here’s a Civil War novel with a strong feminist theme that will appeal to men and women alike. Timothy Woods’ moving historical novel is informed by thorough research, a sense of its characters’ weariness with war,  and an understanding of the war’s international dimensions. GRANT ME TIMELY GRACE 4.5 stars – just $2.99 on Kindle!Here’s the set-up :


Washington, D.C., June 1863. It is the week before Gettysburg, and the nation’s fate hangs in the balance.
A Union officer was not court-martialed after disobeying a direct order during battle. Why?
Major Russell Johns is being played by puppet-master Gerard Chantier. Transplanted New Orleans businessman and toast of the town, Chantier hosts the city’s most lavish entertainments attended by members of Lincoln’s cabinet and Washington’s elite.

Little do they know Gerard is coordinating an attack with Confederate general JEB Stuart’s cavalry to take over the city, kidnap Lincoln and bring victory to the South.

When Russell’s probing brings him in contact with Chantier’s daughter, Thérèse, he has to face his most difficult moral choice: manipulating her to get to her father or honoring the one thing that has sustained him through years of battle and loss—his own integrity.

Praise for GRANT ME TIMELY GRACE:

“It is late June, 1863 and the Army of Northern Virginia is north of the Potomac River with elements well into Pennsylvania. Jeb Stuart’s Confederate cavalry is close to the Western approaches of Washington, D.C. but what is their intent? An attack on the city? Needless to say, The Union leadership and their advisers are shaken and desperately searching for ways to counter the threat, or are they?

In Grant Me Timely Grace, Tim Woods weaves an intricate story of deep cover spies, disgraced military men, diplomatic intrigue and lovely Southern belles into a riveting fictional account of Washington before the Battle of Gettysburg.

The novel revolves around Gerard Chantier, an immensely wealthy expatriate widowed Louisianan who has become the confident of the high Union leadership, his beautiful and brilliant daughter Therese, and Gerard’s longtime friend and assistant, James Bayeaux, who he had freed from being a family slave upon inheriting his wealth. Add in a disgraced Union officer searching for redemption, a lethal female Southern sympathizer and a suave British intelligence operative and you have quite a story.

Author Woods has a good command of the Civil War era and moves deftly between actual and fictional events. He speaks of the intricate defense system of Washington, which also had its flaws which play a role in his narrative. The byzantine politics of both the Northern and Southern governments are also well related. A refreshing addition to Civil War fiction is the plot line involving diplomacy and intrigue with the British Empire, a most fascinating what-if.

Grant Me Timely Grace … is highly recommended for those who enjoy historical fiction, especially fiction related to the Gettysburg Campaign.—-Ken Williams – TOCWOC – A Civil War Blog.

I am not a history buff, nor have I ever thought I was very interested in historical fiction. I was given Mr. Woods’ book to read and I have to say I could barely tear myself away! I read it (on my computer screen, no less) every spare moment I had until I finished, and I was sorry when it ended. I thoroughly enjoyed the story and the writing. Rich and descriptive, I could imagine I was watching a movie as I read through each scene. The characters were deep and well developed and became very real to me. This one is a must for any Civil War buff, history buff and really anyone who enjoys engaging and well-written novels; it certainly transcends its genre.

Historical fiction isn’t what I generally read so it took most of the first chapter to get over myself and into the characters and setting of the book. From there on I was hooked and found it difficult to put down. Having lived in the South in the 1940’s and 50’s I saw firsthand the cultural scars from the civil war that still exist today. So I appreciated Tim’s historical accuracy of the war and it’s brilliant use as a backdrop to a well told story that had my full attention throughout the book. The tapestry of the story is woven around the civil war and the dynamic cast of characters which include soldiers, slaves, spies, war profiteers, wily politicians, and northern ladies of pedigree in full regalia, (that are described in amazing detail). You don’t want to miss this gem of a book that has an ending that keeps you thinking.


I’m delighted to announce, after a 7+ year journey, the release of my Civil War novel, ‘Grant Me Timely Grace.’

The book’s title comes from an Edmund Spenser sonnet that thematically speaks to the weariness of war (aren’t we all).

In attempting to say something fresh in a Civil War novel, I’ve woven into the narrative several under-represented topics.

A major character, Gerard Chantier, is a Southern spy; yet, unlike most portraits of Confederates he is not a racist. In fact, the only person he considers a friend is his Black secretary, James Bayeaux.

In addition, this story integrates international dimensions of the war that are woefully under-appreciated by the non-Civil War scholar. Britain and France were one incident away from entering our Civil War for their own geo-political purposes.

I grew up in a New England family, but my mother came from the South. I have ancestors who fought on both sides of the conflict, and The American Civil War was always debated at our table.

I hope my novel has done justice to some of the war’s paradoxes and complexities. As Charles P. Roland so aptly put it, The Civil War is the American Illiad.
And here, in the comfort of your own browser, is your free sample:



Kindle Nation Daily Free Book Alert, Friday, April 22: Four Brand New Freebies, plus … Paul Levine’s Best “Jake Lassiter” Mystery Yet: Flesh & Bones (Today’s Sponsor)

Only a very lucky few of us will have the opportunity to spend this Summer touring Europe, but if there’s any chance you might be among that elect any time soon, it’s an absolute must that you pick up the new HSA travel guide that sits with three other brand new selections atop this morning’s latest additions to our 250+ Free Book Alert listings….


But first, a word from … Today’s Sponsor

A major fave among Kindle Nation readers, the award-winning author Paul Levine is back with what he promises is his “best Jake Lassiter novel” to date. This time Lassiter’s new client literally tumbles into his lap with the vapors just seconds after having shot the guy next to him – who turns out to be her father. And that’s just for starters…

“Lively entertainment…Jake Lassiter is attractive, funny, savvy, and brave.”
Scientific American 
(And who’s to say we’re not all scientific Americans?)


Text-to-Speech and Lending: Enabled 
5.0 Stars from 3 Reviews
Don’t have a Kindle? Get yours here.

From Wes Lukowsky of Booklist:
Pro football player turned lawyer Jake Lassiter is savoring a drink at a South Beach bar when a beautiful young woman shoots the man on the next bar stool and faints in Lassiter’s arms. It’s one way to get clients, he figures. The woman, Chrissy Bernhardt, is charged with the first-degree murder of her father, whom Chrissy believes abused her as a child. Lassiter takes the case, which is complicated by the fact that Chrissy’s repressed memories of her father’s abuse have been “unlocked” with the help of a therapist who turns out to be her late mother’s former lover. The seventh Lassiter novel continues the series’ steady improvement. Lassiter is smart, tough, funny, and very human. He’s coming on fast as one of the most entertaining series characters in contemporary crime fiction. 

What the Reviewers Say
“Mystery writing at its very, very best.” 
Larry King about the Lassiter series in USA TODAY

“[Lassiter has] a lot more charisma than Perry Mason ever did.” 
–The Miami Herald


Visit Amazon’s Paul Levine Page
 

THE “FLESH & BONES” BACKSTORY     
By Paul Levine  

Flesh and Bones Start Page

Recovered Memories: Real, Imagined…or Fake? 
The idea for “Flesh & Bones” came from a real murder case involving the controversial notion of repressed memory syndrome. 
Here’s how it started.  A 29-year-old California woman reported to police that she suddenly remembered seeing her father rape and kill a schoolmate twenty years earlier.  Were the memories real?  Or dreams?  Or outright fabrications? 
The D.A. thought they were real.  And so did the jury which heard the case of the previously unsolved child killing.  The father was sentenced to life in prison and served seven years before a federal court determined that the daughter’s testimony had been tainted by hypnotic therapy. 
Out of that grew my notion of a troubled young model, Chrissy Bernhardt, who walks into a Miami Beach bar and shoots her father in front of dozens of witnesses…including linebacker-turned-lawyer Jake Lassiter. Chrissy claims that, under hypnotic regression therapy, she recovered memories repressed long ago: her father’s sexual abuse. 
As I did while researching the book, Lassiter interviews a skeptical psychiatrist who tells him that memories are “malleable” by therapists. 
“We can thank Freud for the theory that all our experiences are stored away somewhere in the brain, just waiting to be recovered by therapy,” Dr. Santiago said.  “A huge number of his patients seemed to recall terrible memories of childhood incest.  Initially, Freud accepted the stories as true.  Later, he concluded they were ‘screen memories,’ fantasies hiding primitive wishes.  Others believe they’re just false memories.” 
“So what’s the truth?” I asked. 
“Oh, memories may be repressed and then recovered, but does that make them true?  I’m sure you remember many events in your life that are absolutely false.” 
“I don’t get it.  If I remember them, they’re true.” 
“Not necessarily.  You may try to store memories like a librarian shelving books.  But each of us constructs a personal myth about what we think is true.  We may exaggerate.  Good times in the past become even better, hard times even worse.  Individuals who were bad become outright demons.  And some of our memories might simply be dreams that never took place at all.” 
Lassiter soon discovers that his client’s shrink might have his own motive for wanting Chrissy’s father dead.  So might her brother, for purely financial reasons.  All of that plays out against the very real debate about the science of the mind. Are the memories dug out of the subconscious through hypnosis real or imagined?  
The psychiatrist tells Lassiter:  “Memory suppression is hardly unknown.  In one study, researchers found that thirty-eight percent of adult women who had been treated for sexual abuse as children had no memories of the incidents.  The difficulty is to recover the memories without contamination by post-event occurrences or suggestions by therapists, whether innocent or malevolent.” 
That’s the heart of “Flesh & Bones”and every murder trial.  Separating the innocent from the malevolent.   
  
–Paul

Click here to download Flesh & Bones (The Jake Lassiter Series) (or a free sample) to your Kindle, iPad, iPhone, iPod Touch, BlackBerry, Android-compatible, PC or Mac and start reading within 60 seconds!

UK CUSTOMERS: Click on the title below to download
Each day’s list is sponsored by one paid title. We encourage you to support our sponsors and thank you for considering them.
Authors, Publishers, iPad Accessory Manufacturers:
Interested in learning more about sponsorship? Just click on this link for more information.

Free Contemporary Titles in the Kindle Store 
HOW TO USE OUR NEW FREE BOOK TOOL:

Just use the slider at right of your screen below to scroll through a complete, updated list of free contemporary Kindle titles, and click on an icon like this one (at right) to read a free sample right here in your browser! Titles are sorted in reverse chronological order so you can easily see new freebies.

AIN’T NO SUNSHINE by Leslie DuBois – 4.7 stars and now just 99 cents on Kindle! – Our eBook of the Day, and Here’s a Free Sample


WHITES ONLY — Words that adorned every building in Livingston, Virginia during the summer of 1963. Words that told Stephen that what he felt for his colored neighbor Ruthie was wrong. In time, Ruthie becomes the only ray of sunshine in his life and he is not willing to let her go without a fight … a fight that could lead to murder. 


Here’s the set-up for AIN’T NO SUNSHINE by Leslie DuBois – 4.7 stars and now just 99 cents on Kindle!



Summertime in Virginia, in the turbulent Sixties.  Race relations grow more strained.  Stephen’s father is murdered, and the boy is pulled over by police 700 miles away from the scene of the crime. A broken taillight causes the pullover.  The fact that Stephen’s girl friend is in the car complicates things.  The fact that Stephen is white and she is black really complicates them.


WHITES ONLY

Those words adorned every building in Livingston, Virginia during the summer of 1963, confusing and angering a five-year-old Stephen Phillips. 

Those words told Stephen that what he felt for his colored neighbor Ruthie was wrong.

 As he grows older, Ruthie becomes the only ray of sunshine in his abusive life and he is not willing to let her go without a fight, a fight that could lead to murder.




From the reviewers:

The title of this story comes from the Bill Withers song: 

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone. 
It’s not warm when she’s away. 
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone 
And she’s always gone too long anytime she goes away. 

I didn’t think I would like this story because I knew it would be full of misery and pain. Well, it was, but the ending was surprisingly beautiful! I loved it!

This is a story of racism, love, and secrets from the past all colliding in one couple’s lives. 

This story contains a lot of pain but leaves you with hope at the end. Not necessarily justice, but definitely with hope. 

The author holds no punches in her writing. She writes about ugly subjects most people would prefer to hide, including the characters in this story. The father is abusive, the son is in love with the mulatto neighbor girl, and the passion and anger in the book grow until it explodes. 

Editor’s note:  And the next review, not written in the King’s English but with a heartfelt eloquence that cannot–and should not–be ignored:

love this so deep what i learn in this book love has no color when you love someone you should them. great read fast to i will buy book again fromm this author



And here, in the comfort of your own browser, is your free sample: