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KND Freebies: Intriguing murder mystery 1 RAGGED RIDGE ROAD is featured in this morning’s Free Kindle Nation Shorts excerpt

44 rave reviews!

A shocking murder from the past exposes present-day secrets that rock a small town in Pennsylvania in this juicy mystery that’s fascinating readers with its parallel storylines.

A great read for only 99 cents!

1 Ragged Ridge Road

by Leonard Foglia, David Richards

4.1 stars – 57 Reviews
Text-to-Speech and Lending: Enabled
Here’s the set-up:

The once-glorious mansion needs repair, but everything about it — the chestnut moldings, the soaring foyer, the grand staircase and twenty-two rooms — filled Carol Roblins with hope from the moment she saw it. Maybe a fresh start would improve the relationship with Blake and their learning-disabled son, Sammy, giving their crumbling marriage one last chance. But before they can resolve their tensions, Blake leaves for a military assignment in Europe.

Alone with Sammy in their new home, Carol delves into her restoration, fired by a dream of opening a bed and breakfast. As she recovers long-lost blueprints and researches the mansion’s history, she learns it was once home to a storybook couple and a shocking murder.

Praise from reviewers and readers:

“Tasty enough to tempt you into wanting…more” – The New York Times

Absolutely brilliant
:…Each chapter is either in the present or in the past and the way time slides back and forth is just way,way, way cool…Kept me turning page after page after page.”

an excerpt from

1 Ragged Ridge Road

by Leonard Foglia & David Richards

 

Copyright © 2014 by Leonard Foglia & David Richards
and published here with their permission

One

At first, the snow came gently—in dry, feathery flakes that slid off the gabled roof and floated down the chimneys. Those that collected on the windowsills or lodged in the corners of the windowpanes didn’t remain there long, before the wind picked them up and set them on their downward drift again. In a few hours, it would become one of those hard, icy storms that the community held accountable every winter for at least two broken legs and countless twisted ankles. For now, it settled over the slopes surrounding the mansion like gossamer silk—silent, graceful, and deceptive.

Not even the hatch marks of the chickadees marred the perfect whiteness. Their jerky movements amused her, whenever she caught sight of them hopscotching across the lawn. They reminded her of tin windup toys. But it was growing dark and they seemed to have disappeared under the bushes or beneath the front porch. She couldn’t tell. Although the chandeliers in the house cast oblong sheets of light onto the yard, what was bright and cheerful indoors turned grayish and opaque when mixed with the snow.

She sighed contentedly. Christmas was her favorite holiday, and not just for the gifts, which all her life had been extravagant and were likely to be so again this year, judging from the mounds of packages at the base of the Christmas tree. She welcomed the peacefulness of snowy nights that sealed up the mansion in a cocoon and the good spirits that overtook tile butler, cantankerous as he was the rest of the year.

Her husband had spotted the perfectly shaped tree on the northwest corner of the property. It had taken three workmen to chop it down, drag it out of the woods, and maneuver it through the front door without scratching the chestnut woodwork. Nearly ten feet tall, it sat in the large, open stairwell and filled the whole house with a fresh forest scent. The maid and the kitchen help had spent several days hanging the delicate crystal ornaments and draping the garlands of cranberries and popped corn, so that on swag drooped lower than the next and no ornament detracted from its neighbor. Later this evening, they would light the tapers that stood like sentinels at the tip of each branch.

How unfortunate it all had to come down by twelfth night, she thought as she climbed the wide staircase that wound around the tree and led to her bedroom on the second floor, then corkscrewed up another flight to the servants’ quarters and the attic under the gables. If she had her way, the Christmas decorations would never be packed away. From the parlor, she heard the strains of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” Someone was at the player piano, pumping the pedals vigorously. The notes came in loud, blustery gusts. A ragtag choir of carolers from town would be making the rounds before long. From past experience, she knew that a few of them, emboldened by the gin in their back-pocket flasks, would be more than a match for the huffings and puffings of the mechanical piano.

Her fingers went instinctively to her neck. Tonight she would wear the necklace. Her guests would ooh and aah—the women envious of so many fine diamonds and sapphires, the men drawn to the pale décolletage that showed them off so well. She relished the attention in advance, knowing that as soon as the holidays were over, the jewelry would go back into her husband’s vault at the bank.

Once she reached the second floor, she glided down the long hall, entered her bedroom, and shut the heavy door. A freshly stoked fire in the fireplace threw reddish yellow shadows over the room and made the brass fender and fireplace tools shine like antique gold. Two small lamps, reflected in the mirror behind them, formed circular pools of light on the dressing table. The thick velvet curtains had been drawn against the chill by the maid, who was waiting in the kitchen for the bell that would summon her back upstairs to dress her mistress for the evening’s festivities.

The woman sat down before the mirror, removed the necklace from its case, and held it up to her cheek. Glints of silver and blue danced across the ceiling. She studied her image in the mirror, allowing a smile to break across her face. How could she not be happy? All the dreams she secretly harbored for the new year were about to come true. Voices from the living room, accompanying the music, washed up against the bedroom door: “Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy . . .” She hummed along with them.

A burst of wind rustling the curtains cut her reveries short. She turned to look and noticed a thin dusting of snow on the floor. The window must have blown open while she was daydreaming. She parted the curtains and checked. No, the latch was shut tight. Then something moved in the pane, a dark reflection that caused her to whirl around.

On the far side of the bedroom stood a figure in a heavy blue topcoat. A knit cap was pulled down over the eyebrows, and a checkered scarf was wound tightly around the lower half of the face. All she could make out were the eyes, which were red and watery. The gloved hands gripped the brass poker from the fireplace set.

‘Who are you? What are you doing here?” she asked indignantly.

The figure was silent.

“Didn’t you hear me? Who are you?”

The only response was a long, protracted moan. Louder, it would have been a growl.

“Get out of here immediately or I will have my husband throw you out.” Even as she spoke, she sensed the idleness of her threat. If her husband had returned home from the bank, she hadn’t heard him. With that infernal player piano making such a racket, who could hear anything? She backed up and reached for the button to call the maid. In an instant, the figure was upon her, the poker raised high like a hatchet. But it wasn’t the weapon, flashing in the firelight, that made her body go weak and dried out her mouth. It was the look of pure malevolence in the eyes,

“Oh, my God, please don’t—”

The poker came down with a furious thwack, carving a deep gash in her forehead. The next blow sent her sprawling at the foot of the bed. Short gasps of pain escaped her lips, them little bubbles of purple blood. The person was bellowing at her now, ‘Whore, filthy whore . . . you’ve got everything . . . I’m not going to let you . . .” The words entered her consciousness like broken fragments of sounds, shards cutting the inside of her head. They had no more meaning to her than the gruntings of animals.

What was happening? Where was her husband? Why this savage fury?

She curled herself into a ball as the merciless beating continued. After a moment, she saw black. Then felt nothing.

In the parlor, the player piano fell silent.

The only sound the woman might have heard, had she been alive to hear it, was the flap-flap-flap of the music roll, turning  on itself.

Two

Carol Roblins loved the mansion at first sight when she and Blake drove by it that late-October afternoon. They were living in three cramped rooms on the army base at the time, the latest in a long line of temporary quarters that stretched from Georgia to southern California and now to rural Pennsylvania. Sundays, they took to exploring the towns in the area in the hope of finding a home more to their liking. At the very least, a bigger one. And this was surely the biggest one in Fayette.

The Kennedy mansion, it was still called, although the original owner, a local banker, according to the real estate agent, had died in the 1920s and his descendants no longer resided in the state. Three stories tall, it sat on a sturdy foundation of Pennsylvania fieldstone. The stucco walls were of a color and texture that reminded Carol of yellow cake. A wide veranda wrapped around the front and one side, terminating in a screened-in gazebo that was strategically situated to catch the breeze.

Summers, the windows had been hooded by green canvas awnings, but all that remained were the corroded metal awning frames, and then only some of the windows could lay claim to that bit of architectural coquetry. The canvas had long since rotted and blown away. On the sharply pitched roof, the fieldstone made a reappearance in the form of two stolid chimneys capped with little tin roofs of their own.

In all the mansion was grand from a distance, shabby up close. During the Depression, it had stood empty, a monument to the kinds of quick, flashy fortunes that had been prevalent a decade earlier. Then, after World War II, it had been turned into an apartment house, and the real decline had begun. The spacious rooms had been carved up, doors had been walled over, and fireplaces bricked up. Closets were made into kitchenettes, introducing smoke and cooking grease into parts of the house that had smelled only of cedar and rose-petal sachets before.

Still, Carol knew a potential beauty when she saw it. Although the years of neglect had taken their toll, the damage was not irreversible. The grand staircase was missing some spindles from the banister, and the treads and risers were badly scuffed. But the wood was fine-grained chestnut, something you just didn’t see these days, and could easily be brought back to its original luster. The folding mahogany doors that used to divide the living room and the dining room had been stored in the basement. Poking around in the gloom, she and Blake even came upon a couple of chandeliers, entwined in a corner like bejeweled spiders, that must have hung in the main rooms.

When they returned to the foyer, Carol immediately went to the staircase again and ran her hand lovingly along the banister. Just the feel of the aged wood was enough to set her dreaming. This glorious place could actually be theirs. Far from being put off by its tumbledown condition, she found herself thinking that it would give her something to do, besides taking care of Sammy. Not that she wasn’t devoted to her son. Sammy came first and always would. But the notion of having a house to take care of, too—this house—lodged in her head and wouldn’t leave.

Part of her acknowledged how old-fashioned she was being. Well, theirs was an old-fashioned marriage, wasn’t it? Blake went to work; she stayed home. He was the man of the family; she, the woman. They operated on a clear, if antiquated, division of the sexes and an even clearer delineation of duties.

Her head tilted back, she turned around slowly and gazed up into the open stairwell, marveling at what seemed to be a stained-glass, octagonal skylight. Decades of filth had dulled the colors, and a thick layer of dead leaves blocked out any sunlight. But her guess was right: three flights up, the original skylight was still intact. Flowers and ribbons made for an elegant pattern. Or maybe the ribbons were letters. From the distance, Carol couldn’t tell.

Blake could see the excitement in her eyes and felt an unexpected surge of tenderness for her. Her emotions had always been so transparent, unlike his. He’d loved that about her once. Perhaps he still did, deep down. Then, the tenderness abated.

The hard truth was that, more and more, he felt as if they were going through the motions of married life, making empty gestures and small talk and gliding over what really mattered. He wondered if all married couples had that sensation after a while. If they did, the guys on the base never talked about it. Blake certainly wasn’t one to bring up the subject. He’d buried himself in his job, instead. At least that was paying off. The rumors of his advancement had been growing louder lately.

“What do you think, Blake?” Carol said, determined to keep her tone neutral. Her excitement was palpable anyway.

“Is this really the answer?” he asked himself. He looked at his wife, then diverted his gaze. She hadn’t changed much in the fifteen years they’d been married. There were a few lines on her forehead, some wrinkles around the eyes, but nothing that makeup didn’t easily cover, when she bothered with makeup, which wasn’t often. She was still as slender as she was the day they had first started going out. Her blond hair had darkened since then, enough so that Carol periodically felt compelled to “help it out a little,” but she hadn’t attended to that recently, either.

All told, she was a much prettier woman than she allowed herself to be. He couldn’t remember the last time she’d really dressed up and shown off her figure. He speculated that it must have been the spring party at the officers’ club, but he had no image of her to go with his memories of that event. It seemed to him that she was more intent these days on being Sammy’s mother than his wife.

Suddenly, he was aware of the silence and realized she was waiting for an answer. “It’s awfully big,” he replied. “I’m sure we can find some place smaller. More manageable.”

“But no place is going to be this special. We deserve something special.”

He wanted to say, “No kidding,” but suppressed the urge. “You need money for special, Carol. A lot of money. Do you have the slightest idea how involved a renovation would be? And you know how much they’ve got me working now. When am I going to find the time to redo a house?”

“I’ll do it. This could be my project. Please?”

“And Sammy?”

“What about him? He’s not a baby, Blake. He could help. It would be good for him.”

She was pushing and it made him nervous. He raked his fingers through his hair a couple of times, as he always did when he needed to calm himself. It was thick and black, with a sheen that was actually the beginnings of gray. He was wearing a plaid shirt and a tan golf jacket, but even when he was in civvies, the brush cut was a dead giveaway that he belonged to the military.

Carol recognized the nervous gesture and it occurred to her that she had never seen him with his hair grown out. It had always been short. Even in his childhood pictures. If there was any wave to it, she would be the last to know.

“The whole idea is crazy,” he said, less assertively than before. He was weakening. Carol took him by the arm and walked him back into the living room. “Just look at those beautiful bay windows. They’re just like the ones we had on Thatcher Avenue. Think how much fun we had fixing up that place.”

“Thatcher Avenue was a one-bedroom apartment. This is a twenty-two-room house.”

“So, it will take us a little longer, that’s all.”

“Like the rest of our lives.”

She wasn’t going to back down. Of course, it would take time, but she could picture them rehabilitating the old mansion, working side by side, cementing their marriage along with the driveway. Sammy would have the woods and the fields to explore, and the stream that cut through them, its waters as pure and chilly as icicles.

“You always said Sammy needed a yard to play in.”

“A yard. Not his own forest. I can just see him wandering off and getting lost.”

“Blake, be serious. I really want this.”

Two days later, he gave in. It was the ridiculously low price that clinched it. Apparently, their potential beauty was, in the view of most, if not all, of the prospective buyers, a white elephant. When word got around the town of Fayette that the Roblinses had signed on the dotted line, there was general amazement and some outright laughter, while Mr. Beldman, the pharmacist, noted dryly that he didn’t want to be present when they got their first heating bill.

Blake blew his stack when it came. But then, he blew his stack about so many things that winter that Carol wondered if he wasn’t having his midlife crisis ten years early. His feelings for the mansion had never matched hers, and he seemed to resent it that he had allowed himself to be swayed by her arguments. It soon became apparent to her that the renovation wasn’t going to be the wonderful collaborative venture she had envisioned. He was not merely used to order. He thrived on it. It was what had attracted him to the military in the first place, why he had risen through the ranks to captain with such ease. And the mansion was in a perpetual state of disorder.

They appropriated the old library on the ground floor for their bedroom. A cozy office, which opened off the library, made the perfect bedroom for Sammy. Hard as they tried, however, they couldn’t keep the clutter and the dust, generated by the renovation, out of either room. There was unwanted symbolism in that, if either had chosen to recognize it. Blake grew testy and Carol’s optimism started sounding forced, probably because it was. Somebody had to keep up the family’s spirits, though.

Even she had a brief sinking feeling when part of the entryway wall crumbled on her. She was patching a large crack when the old plaster fell away in large, dry chunks. Before she knew it, she was staring at a sizable hole. Her attempts to contain the damage only made it worse. By the time Blake arrived home, she was up to her ankles in debris, and a cloud of chalky dust hung in the air.

Blake stood in the front doorway, refusing to enter. He had put on his formal dress uniform for some official ceremony that day and the polish on his black shoes gleamed like wet tar.

“What the devil is going on here?” he barked.

Carol tried to inject a little lightness into the situation. “What does it look like? I’m tearing down a wall. Bob Vila has nothing on me now.”

“Except common sense.”

“It’s just plaster, Blake.”

Angrily, he kicked a slab of plaster with the toe of his shoe. “Biggest mistake I ever made,” he muttered. “I never should have bought this place.”

‘We, Blake. We bought this place. Remember?” It infuriated her when he talked like that. As if she didn’t exist. He turned abruptly and started down the front steps.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going around to the back door because I’m not about to track through that mess. Unless, of course, you want to get this uniform cleaned and pressed again. If we have any money left over, after pouring it all into this dump, that is.”

Carol chased after him, the conciliatory expression on her face at odds with the smears of plaster war paint on her cheeks. “You’re exaggerating, Blake. This place is going to be absolutely beautiful when we’re done. You’ll see.”

“Get real, Carol.” He stomped off toward the back of the house.

Carol took a few deep breaths, then mumbled to herself, “Loosen up, Blake.”

“Get real” had always been his response to her flights of enthusiasm, even when they were young. “Loosen up” was her usual retort. Although both commands were uttered in fun, they served nonetheless to define the fundamental difference in their temperaments. Blake was solid, reliable, a human bulwark. (His square shoulders were one of the first things she had noticed about him.) She was so much more impulsive.

For a long time, she believed their personalities to be mutually enhancing. Her imagination, her curiosity, her sense of adventure, made life more interesting for him, just as his dependability, his pragmatism (although she didn’t like the word itself), made life saner and safer for her. It was a perfect fit. Of course, relationships were more complicated than that, but as capsule analyses went, that one struck her as accurate enough. Until they began to change.

Marriage and motherhood grounded her, and while her romantic side never withered away, she learned to give it less expression, knowing how easily it was mocked and eventually telling herself that it belonged to another, simpler period in her life, like the portable pink-and-white vinyl record player she’d prized in high school. Little by little, Blake’s dependability hardened into a kind of inflexibility. Rigor, even. “Get real” lost its playfulness. So did “loosen up.” What had started out as good-natured gibes evolved into veiled criticisms. The perfect fit wasn’t so perfect, after all.

Mid-February, the promotion Blake had long been angling for came through. Carol knew how much it meant to him. He would be assistant army attaché at the American embassy in Bonn, a posting that was bound to expand his contacts. If he performed well—and here Blake took care to quote his commanding officer exactly—he could expect “a career-enhancing billet at the Pentagon in the not very distant future.” Carol tried to get excited for him, but the thought of packing up again and leaving a spot that had fired up her dormant imagination dampened her enthusiasm.

“What about the house?” she asked, trying not to sound too disappointed.

“What about it?”

“I don’t want to sell it and move again.”

“We won’t have to.”

“How can we afford to keep it? Who’ll rent it in this state? One peek at this kitchen . . .” She let the sentence trail off with a vague gesture at the surroundings. The old fashioned kitchen appliances and the chipped linoleum floor put it better than she could.

“I . . . uh . . . I . . . thought . . . uh . . .” He stopped. As a child, he had stammered badly, but he had gotten over the habit in high school when he learned not to rush his thoughts. One of the few occasions Carol had heard him succumb to the stammer was at his mother’s wake, and it had been painful to hear. She hoped he was just fumbling for the right words this time.

He sounded them slowly. “I . . . uh . . . well . . . I thought that I would go alone.”

Instantly, Carol realized what was happening. The long, festering discontent was about to surface. In fact, it just had. It was out. Spoken. There could be no pretending otherwise. “Oh” was all she could manage.

“It’s only a temporary position.” he rationalized. “A year at most. You know how fast things can change over there. Why uproot Sammy one more time? The year will be over before any of us knows it.”

He rocked awkwardly on his feet and cleared his throat before adding, “We need the time apart, Carol. To figure out where we stand with each other.”

She couldn’t bring herself to face him. “Where do we stand, Blake?”

“I don’t know.”

“And so you’re going to run away to the other side of the world. Is that it?”

“I’m not running away. This is work. My career. It’s important to me.”

“More important than your family?”

“Look at me. Are you happy?”

The question caught her unaware and her heart contracted. She was incapable of giving him an easy answer. Sure, she was occasionally disappointed in their lives together, as was he. But did that qualify as unhappiness? Or was it a sign of carelessness, of inattention, on one another’s part? And when had disappointment become grounds for a separation, anyway?

As she sank to a kitchen chair, her tears began to flow, slowly at first. But the more she tried to bring them under control, the faster they came, and before long she was sobbing audibly. Blake paced back and forth, confining his steps to the worn patch of linoleum in front of the sink. Displays of emotion made him acutely uncomfortable. Pacing was how he coped.

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it,” she apologized, but that only made her sob all the more.

He came up behind her and placed his hand on her shoulder. She reached up and clutched it, and they stayed that way for several minutes, not saying anything, until Carol’s crying subsided. Then she released her grasp, went to the sink, and splashed some cold water on her face.

“I must be a sight.” Why was she always the one to cry, never Blake?

He held out his handkerchief, but she rejected it with a shake of the head.

“Have you given any consideration to Sammy?” she asked, the faintest trace of accusation creeping into the question.

“He spends so much time with you, he probably won’t even notice I’m gone.”

“How can you say that? The boy worships you.”

“That so? You could have fooled me.”

“He just doesn’t express himself like other kids. You know that. You keep expecting him to wake up one morning and have this animated conversation at breakfast with you about the Yankees. That’s never going to happen. You’ve got to stop waiting for him to come to you and take the trouble to enter his world. That is, if you want a relationship with your son.”

They’d been over this ground so often in the past she could hear Blake’s response before he uttered it.

“You coddle him too much.”

“Please, let’s not have that discussion again. What are we going to tell him? Or rather, what are you going to tell him? Because I’m not handling this one. Sammy’s going to have to hear this from you,”

They talked late into the night—sorting out their relationship and how it had come to this impasse. Once they got beyond the anger and the accusations, they actually addressed some problems that should have been tackled long ago. Simple things such as how Carol felt about moving every couple of years. (She had never liked it.) Or why Blake was so reluctant to express his emotions. (He considered it a weakness.) Little was resolved, but the rift no longer struck Carol as this fearsome chasm, ready to swallow them up. She could see its shape and its depths—and its perils—more clearly, and that consoled her. Sad as it was to think how long they had been drifting apart, somewhere in the back of her consciousness was a spark of relief that the truth had finally been acknowledged.

By the early-morning hours, they were talked out and exhausted. Resigned to Blake’s leaving, Carol had convinced herself it was just another army assignment, not a trial separation. Blake was no longer feeling such hangdog guilt. They even allowed themselves to look back on better days. Carol laughed out loud when Blake recalled the first time she had prepared her special apple-cinnamon soufflé. They had been married only a few weeks and she had slipped out of bed at sunrise, hoping to surprise him with her culinary skills. She had put the two soufflés in the oven and then tiptoed back into the bedroom. Blake had reached out for her and they had started to kiss. The kissing got out of control and one thing led to another. Not until their desire was appeased and they lay spent and contented on the bed did they smell smoke coming from the kitchen.

The soufflés were ruined. Carol was distraught, even though Blake assured her that their time in bed was better than any soufflé could ever be. He was finally able to calm her down only by picking the few edible pieces out of the charred pan and proclaiming them delicious. The episode had given birth to a long-running joke: “Do you want sex or a soufflé this morning? Because you can’t have both.”

Sex usually won out in those early years.

The day Blake left for Germany, it snowed, and then the snow turned to slush. Carol had decided to make the departure into a going-away party, mostly for Sammy’s sake, and she’d gone to the trouble of preparing three of the famous soufflés. But the festive mood soured when Sammy stayed in his room and refused to come out for breakfast.

Blake went in to fetch him. Seated by the window, Sammy was absorbed in the task of polishing a small silver object. It was typical of his son, thought Blake, to be lost in his own world. But did it have to be today of all days? He tried to stifle his annoyance.

“Hey, buddy. Don’t you want some breakfast?”

“No.”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“No.”

“Mom made our favorite soufflés.” Sammy said nothing and continued diligently to rub the silver object. Blake saw that it was a spoon. “Where did you get that. Son?”

“Found it.”

“Where?”

“Outside.”

“Do you like it here, Sammy?”

“Yes.”

“Well, so does your mom. That’s why I’m going abroad  alone. So you guys don’t have to move again. I’ll get my work done as soon as possible and then I’ll come back. That way, we can keep the house. Do you understand that?”

Sammy raised his head. The expression on his face was blank. Blake wondered if his son believed him.

“Besides. I couldn’t take you, even if I wanted to.”

“Why?”

Blake leaned down and whispered conspiratorially in Sammy’s ear, ”I’m going on a secret mission.”

Sammy perked up. “What’s the secret?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be a secret if I told you now, would it? But you know what we’re going to do?”

“What?”

“We’ll have a special code, you and I.”

“What’s that?”

“That’s something that no one else understands. Just us. I’ll call you every week, and if I say, ‘The weather was good this week,’ you’ll know I’m okay and the mission is going well.”

“That’s silly.” Sammy giggled.

“Well, what should the code words be, then?”

Sammy mulled over the question seriously. Then he held up the object in his lap. “Shiny spoon.”

“Shiny spoon?”

“Yes. If you’re all right, say ‘shiny spoon.’ ”

“Okay, it’s a deal.”

“And if you’re not all right . . .” Sammy thought long and hard before chirping brightly, “Say ‘shiny knife.’ “

After breakfast, Carol hugged Blake on the veranda and babbled something ridiculous like “Take care of yourself.” Sammy ran down the steps and waved until the car that had come to pick Blake up had rounded the bend in the road and disappeared from sight. As she turned to go back inside, Carol looked up at the house. It was a big, old mess, she thought, but it was her big, old mess. In the few months they had lived there, she had a stronger feeling of belonging than she had experienced anyplace else. Even if things were never repaired with Blake, in some strange way she couldn’t articulate, she felt that she’d come home at last.

Three

The sergeant had seen his share of dead people—those claimed by accidents or disease or old age—but he’d had few dealings with murder victims in his carrier. A vagabond knifed in a drunken brawl, a farmer who had drowned his wife—that was about it. They had been tawdry killings and attracted little attention.

The woman who lay at the foot of the canopied bed belonged to another class. She had elegance, wealth, breeding. The bedroom alone attested to that. He recalled tipping his hat to her when they had passed on main Street and had trouble reconciling that image with the body that lay on the floor. She looked like a smashed china doll—fragments of her beauty floating in a pool of crimson blood. He felt the nausea rising in his throat, swallowed hard, and turned away.

He could see that the murderer had escaped by a side window, which was still open and gave on to the roof of the veranda. One of the red velvet curtains had been partially torn form  its rod, and snow was blowing into the room. Faint footprints were discernible on the roof, but the storm was filling them in fast. The sergeant knew they would be completely covered over before they could provide any significant clues.

“It’s gone.” The maid, visibly shaken, hovered in the doorway. “I don’t see it. It’s gone,” she repeated shrilly. The sergeant had immediately put the bedroom off-limits to the staff of the mansion, but in the maid’s case, it was an unnecessary precaution. Her eyes were round with terror and she had no intention of venturing any closer to the dead body.

“What’s gone?” The sergeant cast his eyes about the room, not certain what she was referring to.

“The necklace. The necklace she was going to wear tonight. There’s the box.” The maid pointed to an empty velvet jewelry box on the dressing table. “Someone’s taken it.” She crossed herself several times and began chanting “Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death,” Over and over. The litany sounded like whimpering to the sergeant and aggravated his nerves.

“Where is Mr. Kennedy?” he snapped. “Does he know what’s happened yet?”

He turned back to the maid, not really expecting an answer. She had buried her head in the neck of the butler, who was attempting to comfort her and remain stoic, although the grisly sight of his mistress’s battered body upset him no less deeply. Suddenly, a flurry of activity could be heard below. The forensic specialist—or the mousy gentlemen who fulfilled that function on the small police force—a photographer, and half a dozen other officers had arrived on the scene.

“He was here,” the butler spoke up. ‘Then he left.”

“Left?”

“Yes.”

“Where the hell did he go?”

“I don’t know,” the butler replied, sounding more stupid than he would have liked.

A jolt of energy coursed through the sergeant. He bolted out of the bedroom and started for the grand staircase. ‘What kind of a car was he driving?” he called back to the butler and maid, who were following after him.

“No car. He was on foot,” the butler said.

“He didn’t even bother to take his overcoat,” added the maid, who had regained some of her composure. “He just left. We couldn’t stop him.”

“Which way did he go?” barked the sergeant as he reached the foyer. The butler gestured toward the front door. The sergeant promptly ordered two young officers into the night to see if they could spot any traces of the man’s flight. With the snow coming down harder and harder, it seemed unlikely. He cursed to himself. The irritating “Holy Mary, Mother of God” had resumed. He cursed again. The investigation was not off to a promising start.

Within the hour, the mansion was swarming with policemen and detectives who had been Summoned from Harrisburg. The upper floors of the mansion were cordonned off, and the help, less terrified now than dazed, collected in the kitchen. The cook had brewed a large pot of coffee, but nobody was drinking it.

Some officers, at a loss at what to do, milled about the living and dining rooms, trying to look purposeful but mostly taking in the furnishings. There had been a lot of talk in the town when the mansion had gone up. Now they were getting a chance to see for themselves how bankers lived.

In the dining room, on a long table covered with antique lace, heavy silver and crystal glasses caught the light from the chandelier and sparkled. Chafing dishes on the cherry sideboard suggested the generous amounts of food that would be served later in the evening. Or would have been. Boughs of pine trees adorned the mantelpieces, adding to the fragrance of the stately Christmas tree in the foyer. It was festive, opulent, lifeless.

A spanking new 1928 Ford, driven by a well-dressed man, chugged into the driveway. Next to him sat a woman in a sable coat. Packages were piled up on the backseat.

“Oh, my god, the guests,” the maid wailed. ‘What are we going to do?”

“How many are you expecting?”

“About fifty.”

The sergeant singled out a chubby-faced officer barely in his twenties, standing in the foyer, one of the few men who had chosen not to go upstairs and view the corpse. “Billy,” he ordered. “Don’t let anyone up here. Block off the end of the road.”

‘What do I tell them?”

The sergeant felt a great weariness come over his body. A murder like this was terrible enough, but that it should happen now, during the season of peace and goodwill, made it doubly awful to him. ‘Tell them,” he said with a wry nod of the head, “that Christmas has been canceled this year.”

Outside, there was a stomping of boots on the veranda, then the front door opened. A frostbitten policeman stumbled in, out of breath, shaking snow from his cap. “We found him.”

The house went silent.

“You found who?” the sergeant asked.

“Charles Kennedy. The husband. We found him.”

… Continued…

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1 Ragged Ridge Road

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KND Freebies: Edgy psychological thriller FERAL LITTLE GODS is featured in today’s Free Kindle Nation Shorts excerpt

Two boys with a strangely intense bond embark on a horrifying psychological journey …

The story of children dwelling in a gilded hell, Feral Little Gods takes readers into a  disturbing world that reveals the seductiveness of cruelty and the false innocence of childhood.

Feral Little Gods

by Cathy Rosoff

Or currently FREE for Amazon Prime Members Via the Kindle Lending Library
Text-to-Speech and Lending: Enabled
Here’s the set-up:

Ten year-old Sascha is a brilliant beautiful child of privilege. His best friend is blue-blooded Christian, whose bond with him is unusually intense, often existing within a vivid shared fantasy world. Over the years, however, Sascha and Christian’s relationship has become increasingly odd and disturbing.

One day, Christian reveals something so bizarre that Sascha refuses to believe it. Sascha’s disbelief sends Christian off on an obsessive mission to convince Sascha what he’s saying is true — a mission that engages Sascha in a game of psychological torture that darkens with each move.

an excerpt from

Feral Little Gods

by Cathy Rosoff

 

Copyright © 2014 by Cathy Rosoff and published here with her permission

Prologue

To live past a certain age is obscene.

                                           i

        The woods on the estate of Isaiah Steed were a strange magical place.

        Walk about an acre into them, and you would find a labyrinthine maze of diagonal glossy wooden planks that interconnected the trees. Some were so steep they extended from high above the base of one tree and ended near the base of another. If you peered and tried to see the maze’s end, you wouldn’t be able to. To do that,you would have to walk about a quarter of a mile. If you  followed their eyes up the final plank, up fifty feet, you would see built into the final maze-ending tree a tree house like no tree house you had ever seen. Constructed in a twisty bendy shape that melded with the branches and trunk of the tree in an exaggerated version of the Art Nouveau style, it looked like it would have been at home in the pages of a gothic fairy tale, particularly on this spring full-moon-illuminated night.

    And just as its exterior looked like something from a storybook, so did its interior, both its inhuman and human. Sleeping on a low Oriental-style bed swathed in velvet and silks like little princes lay two little eight-year-old boys. One had skin the color of honey and wavy hair nearly the same shade of gold as the eyes hidden beneath his closed lids. The other had auburn-tinged brown hair, a round unusually high-cheekboned face as pure and perfect and ethereal a white as the moon outside, a plump little rosebud mouth the pink of a peony, and huge pale, silver eyes that flashed the color of lightning when he was excited. This was the color they were now as they flicked back and forth under the eyelids torturously sealed shut over them. His cheeks flushed hot pink as he flatly murmured the word, “no.”

    One “no” became, two, then three. Tossing his head back and forth, his voice rose as he said, “I don’t want to go.” He then fell so silent and still he seemed dead. A second passed, then another, until the word “no” came out of his mouth so loudly the eyes of the boy beside him snapped open as his tan face blanched beige.

    “Sascha—”

    “Nononononono. I don’t want to go.”

    “Sascha—”

    Even as he nudged the thrashing boy’s shoulder, then grasped it, he could not wake him. When he pinned down his other shoulder, the boy began to struggle.

    “No!”

    “Sascha, it’s me.”

    The boy only struggled more violently.

    “Sasch—”

    “Get off me!” the boy yelled.

    As his eyelids snapped open, their eyes locked. But before he could pull away his hands, the boy only began struggling more.

    “Sascha – it’s me, Christian.”

     Sascha knocked Christian’s chest with his forearm.

    “Get off of me!”

    “Sascha, it’s okay, it’s me—it’s Christian.”

    Sascha began punching Christian’s chest. He let him for a couple seconds, but then he began doing it so hard Christian had to remove his hands from Sascha’s body to shield his own. After fending off a few punches with his arms, he left himself open as he extended his hands toward Sascha’s face.

    “Sascha, it’s Christian.”

    When he reached Sascha’s face he took it in his hands roughly. “Look in my eyes!”

    Sascha’s eyes became stiller as a violent glaze dropped over them.

    “Look in my eyes.”  His face was now as close to Sascha’s as it could be without actually touching it. He dropped his voice to a whisper and repeated, “Look in my eyes.”

    Sascha’s eyes became strangely blank. Christian then dropped his voice so low it was almost inaudible. “Look in my eyes.”

    Slowly Sascha’s eyes began blinking again as the pink drained from his cheeks and his jaw loosened.

    When he saw Sascha was fully awake, as he slowly dropped his hands from his face, he said softly, “Go outside.”

    “Go outside? Why?”

    “Go outside and build a fire.”

    “But wh—”

    “Go outside and build a fire and wait for me to come out.”

    A touch of fear began to prick Sascha’s quizzical face.

    “Will you do that for me?”

    “But why?”

    “Because I want you to.”

    Sascha stared at him dumbly.

    “Will you go outside and build a fire and wait for me to come out because I want you to? Will you do that for me?”

    Hearing his Louis Quinze grandfather clock chime eleven times, Isaiah Steed had to look outside his study’s window to see whether it was eleven in the morning or night. Looking out at the black sky through his study’s window, the still handsome but once almost femininely beautiful Steed didn’t recognize the painfully thin angular sixty-year-old face staring back at him. He had always had an only semi-unconscious loathing of the old, ever since the old biddies would sit on their benches and watch him be beaten to a pulp by his older brother and his cronies like it was a matinee when he was a friendless young boy growing up in the slums of London.

    To live past a certain age is obscene.

    A great writer had written that once, but he couldn’t remember who. One of the Russians, he was pretty sure. Dostoyevsky maybe.

    He has the face of a starving, cruel feline.

    A bad writer had once written that, and he definitely remembered which one: the author of Atlantic City magazine’s cover story, “Isaiah Steed: The Henry Higgins of Atlantic City?” about the building of the Hotel Parnassus.

    The knock on the door pricked his slack spine, roughly pushing his back straight up. A little too loudly he said, “Come in.”

    His pretty twenty-eight-year-old African maid came in with a sterling silver tea tray.

    “Lillianne, I’ve told you a thousand times you don’t need to stay awake just because I am,” he said in the subtly snappish voice of someone trying to hide his irritation, but simply too exhausted to fully succeed.

    “I know, sir, but I—I was awake anyway—I couldn’t sleep—and I thought you—well I was getting some tea—some tea for myself so—when I was saw you were still in here I figured you might like some coffee.”

    Seeing his eyes had returned to his work, as she passed the model of the Art Nouveau-inspired Hotel Parnassus she discretely fondled it.

    As Christian walked toward the fire Sascha had made, Sascha eyed the black plastic shopping bag he was carrying.

    “What’s in the bag?”

    Sitting on the other side of the fire so he was facing him, Christian didn’t answer. Sascha opened his mouth to repeat the question before realizing Christian had to have heard him.

    As Christian crossed his legs Indian-style, Sascha did the same.

    Christian looked up from his lap and then looked up into Sascha’s eyes. Sascha silently did the same, as if he could read the contents of the bag in them. He wondered whether the nausea that was spreading through his belly was from excitement or fear.

    “What’s—what’s in the—”

    “Do you remember that story that Uncle Isaiah read to us a long time ago? I don’t remember the name of it, but it was the one about the two brothers, and if one was hurt the other one would feel it?”

    “You mean The Corsican Brothers? What does—”

    “It’s true.”

    “What do you mean it’s true?”

    “It can be true. If two people . . . are close enough . . . one can feel the other’s pain.”

    “Christian, what are you talking about? That’s physically impossib—”

    “It doesn’t have to be.”

    “Christian what are you talk—”

    “Remember that time, at the beginning of the school year, when I was over your house and a little after your dad came home from work he said he wanted to talk to you alone, so you went off with him and you were gone for about—”

    “Yeah,” Sascha snapped, his cheeks flushing. “What does that have to do with any—”

    “You were a floor below me. But I knew, I knew from the look in his eyes when he came in to your room what was going to happen.”

    “So now you’re a psych—”

    “I knew what was going to happen. And I knew, he wasn’t going to keep you away for long—that would make me suspicious, so I could kind of figure at what point it was gonna start—”

    “Chris—”

    “I felt it.”

    “What the hell do you mean you—”

    “I felt it.” Thrusting his face closer to the fire, his wolf eyes glittered fiercely as he smiled a tiny, nostril-flaring smile. “I felt it like it was happening to me. I don’t mean I just felt sad because my brother was being hurt. I mean I actually felt it. My face actually began stinging.”

    Sascha just stared at Christian as his smile broadened and his teeth grit so tightly that his jaw began to shake. “Do you understand?”

    Sascha began to shake his head, but then just looked at him with utter confusion.

    “Uncle Isaiah said that we can do anything. With our minds— anything. A brilliant mind can accomplish anything, that’s what he says, right? So why can’t we do this?”

    “Do what Chri—” Sascha’s eyes wandered to the bag Christian was rifling through. “Do what Christian?”

    Christian pulled a shaker of salt out of the bag.

    “Do you remember that thing Isaiah told us about his last trip to Africa?”

    Lillianne’s stomach tightened as she poured coffee for her glassy-eyed employer of ten years. What concerned her more, she didn’t know—seeing Steed so exhausted or not seeing him more exhausted.

    Her eyes wandered to her watch. Steed had entered his study nearly twenty-four hours earlier. Seeing the cup was about three quarters of the way full, she began to tip back the spout of the pot.

    “No. Keep going.”

    “But there won’t be enough room left for the mi—”

    “I’m not taking it with milk tonight, I’m taking it black.”

    “But I thought you couldn’t stand it black, even with sug—”

    “I can’t, Lillianne—but I won’t be able to stay awake if I don’t drink a whole cu—Lillianne, I really don’t want to have to explain my—” Realizing he was shouting, he stopped himself. A tiny crack edged into his tight voice. “I’m sorry, Lillianne, I’m just under a lot of pressure right now.” He was too tired to notice he didn’t usually give Lillianne such confidences.

    With a giddy casualness she replied, “I—I—know. Maybe if you could just learn just to—chill out a bit—”

    The coffee pot and cup flew across the room.

    “Is that what I need?! To chill out. Well, I’m sure you must know with your infinite experience with high-pressure workwith the kind of work where liveswhere whole futureshang in the balance-  I’m sure you of all people would understand that.”

    Seeing Lillianne scurrying toward to the broken cup and pot, he snapped back to reality. A queasy remorse began slithering through him.

    “I’m sorry, Lillianne I—”

    Lillianne gave a pert solemn nod of her head. Staring at her back, he wondered if she was crying. She dropped to the floor and began picking up the shards of the cup.

    “Lillianne, you don’t need to do that.”

    She continued.

    “Lillianne, leave it. Catching himself, he tried to make his voice as gentle as he could in his current state. With his voice it was never easy. An unnamed employee had been quoted in an article about him that he had a voice that had the effect on the ears that a quickly downed shot of ice-cold expensive vodka had on the tongue.

    “You can clean it up tomorrow.”

    “It will stain tomorrow. The coffee will stain the floors.”

    “I’ll deal with it.”

    “You have work to do. Go back to your work. Let me clean this up and get you some more coffee.”

    He desperately wanted her to leave, but he had a sense it would be easier to let her stay and do as she wished. He was too tired to take anything but the path of least resistance. Steed wondered, as he often did, whether Lillianne was a simpleton or a genius. After ten years, he still didn’t know. He sometimes felt he was even less sure now than he had been a decade earlier. He also had an odd random gut suspicion that she was a virgin.

    After a few torturous moments, Steed realized he would indeed have to return to his work if he intended to let her stay and clean up the mess he had made. Turning back to his desk, he looked back down at the mountain of papers to which he had been attending. Yet he just stared at them. After a few seconds, without looking up from them he said, “You know, Lillianne, in my life, in my personal life, there’s never been anyone—you know, in my adult personal life—who has been in it as long as you. . . . Even my wife didn’t stick around as long as you have. ”

    He waited for her to respond, but she said nothing. As he didn’t know how he wanted her to respond, he didn’t know whether that relieved or saddened him. He wondered whether her silence might have been provoked by the fact that his beautiful young wife of five years had only failed to “stick around” because four years earlier she had died at the age of thirty-eight.

    A man who is not attractive to women is nothing.

    A fascist dictator had said that once. Which one, he couldn’t quite remember. One of the really bad ones. Mussolini, maybe. He suddenly noticed that he could no longer hear Lillianne in the room anymore. He couldn’t even hear her breathing. Yet he hadn’t heard her leave.

    Looking up from his work, he found her catatonically gazing out of the window. Her ankle was shaking, twitching.

    “What is it, Lillianne?”

    She didn’t respond, she didn’t even seem to register that she had heard him. He began to fear she might be having a seizure of some sort.

    “Lillianne—”

    She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

    “What is it?” he involuntarily snapped.

    She mutely pointed her finger out the window.

    He walked over to it Looking out it himself, his eyes darkened as he grit his teeth.

    “Lillianne—if you would—I would like you to leave and go up to your room. Go to bed. Get some sleep.”

    He heard her stand up, but he couldn’t hear her leaving.

    “Please, Lillianne.”

    “But what about the co—”

    “Just leave it!

   

    “Okay now go again. Go again, Sascha.”

    “I—I ca—”

    The blood-soiled pocket knife was still in Sascha’s shaking hand. Christian grabbed his hand and pulled it toward his extended forearm, which was disfigured by a fresh inch-wide cut.

    “Go again.”

    Sascha just looked mutely down at Christian’s arm as he poised the knife over it. He began to raise his eyes toward Christian’s.

    “Stop.”

    Sascha’s eyes froze.

    “Don’t look u—”

    His eyes wavered up a bit.

    “Don’t. Keep away from my eyes,” Christian snapped, flashing back to what had happened with the deer that time, before catching himself and softening his voice. “Don’t look up, look down.”

    Sascha slowly lowered his eyes.

    “That’s it . . . that’s it . . . just keep your eyes on my arm.”

    His hand still shaking, Sascha began gingerly cutting across Christian’s forearm right below the previous cut. His arm remaining dead still, Christian sharply inhaled as Sascha slashed the knife gingerly a quarter-inch across his arm, then swiftly withdrew it.

    “Don’t.”

    Sascha would not continue.

    “Keep going.”

    Beginning again, so still was Christian’s arm that gradually, as Sascha worked the blade across his arm, he began to feel like he was just cutting a slab of meat.

    “That’s it . . . that’s it,” Christian whispered encouragingly through silently gritted teeth over and over again, his voice becoming softer and softer as Sascha needed less and less of his encouragement. Once the cut was as long as the one above it, Christian relaxed his arm. Correctly taking this as a sign he could stop, Sascha dropped the knife beside him as if it were poisoned.

    Christian wanted to see if he would do the next step on his own.

    After a couple seconds of watching Sascha stare into his lap, however, Christian knew he would not.

    “What are you waiting for?”

    Sascha looked up at him.

    “Come on.”

    Sascha hesitantly turned to the salt shaker beside him. After staring it down for a moment, he picked it up.

    “Christian, I can—”

    “Yes, you can you little bab

    Sascha quickly whipped around to Christian and began shaking salt onto his wounds. He kept salting them and salting them and salting them until he heard Christian breathe in the quivering way people do when they are about to cry. But when he stopped and looked up at him, his eyes were dry. He whispered, “Now the last thing.”

    Sascha just stared at him glassy-eyed. The pupils of Christian’s eyes were weirdly wide and tight and still.

    “Now the last thing.”

    Dropping his eyes back onto his arm, Sascha grabbed the bottle of rubbing alcohol and began pouring it on the arm.

    This time, Christian’s arm leapt a few inches. Sascha began to stop.

    “Don’t.

    Sascha continued but looked up at him.

    “I told you not to look up.”

    “How can you take it? How can you not cry or scream?”

    An almost fiercely beatific smile slowly spread onto Christian’s face. “Haven’t you seen yet?” he whispered. “Haven’t you seen what I’ve been trying to show you? You’re not hurting

me—” His eyes began glistening with an almost religious ecstasy. “You’re hurting you . . . Don’t you see? . . . Sascha? . . . Sascha? What’s wrong? You’re shaking. You’re turning green . . . Oh my Go—Uncle Isaiah . . . I’m s—It was me I told him to d-do it. It was—”

    With the brutal swiftness of a falcon, Steed crouched down before Christian so they were face-to-face. But he said nothing; he just looked into his eyes as if desperately seeking an answer to a riddle, his roving gaze more torturous than anything he might have said. It showed fury, disgust, and a possible hint of sadness, yet in no way that revealed, even the tiniest bit, what was to come next.

    Roughly grabbing Christian’s shoulders, he yelled in a voice so rage-engorged its crack was unnoticeable, “Why?!”

    “I was trying to show him that those brothers—you know in the story—were real.”

    “Whichwhat story?!”

    “The one where one brother is hurt and the other one can feel it and can see when the other is about to be hur—?”

    “But wh—”

    “I wanted him to know that if we willed ourselves to, we could be like them, and if we could, then neither of us would have to be afrai—”

    “Please, Uncle Isaiah!”

    Shaking his head manically, Sascha’s eyes started welling up with tears. In a voice so low it was softer than a whisper, he squeaked, “P-please don’t—please don’t tell my father.”

    He crawled over to Steed like a frightened animal. Tugging on the bottom of his sweater, he pleaded, “Please don’t. Please don’t tell him.”

    Collapsing onto his chest, he cried, “Please don’t.”

    Sascha put his arms around him as if he was holding onto him for dear life.

    “Please don’t.”

    “I won’t.” Patting his shoulder, Steed softly repeated, “I won’t. It’s . . . okay.”

    “Shhhh . . . shhhh . . . it’s gonna be okay,” Christian said, rubbing his back. Looking up at his uncle with slight panic he said, “Tell him it’s going to be okay, Uncle Isaiah.”

    A confused-looking Steed looked down hesitantly at his nephew’s “brother.” “It’s going to be okay, Sascha,” he repeated. Like a person holding a baby for the first time, Steed finally gingerly hugged him back.

    As Sascha’s body grew slack and whatever tears he had been able to hold back poured out of him, Steed turned his face so neither boy could see it.

He then rubbed his eyes and blinked the tears out of them.

Part I

        “You could become a feral little god . . .”

                                           ii

Sascha was starving. Everyone else was eating, but he couldn’t.

    At the moment, the ten-year-old B-former was the only one who sat in his classroom, including Reverend Stone himself. Reverend Stone had been letting Sascha spend his lunch period in his classroom since the beginning of the year. He only allowed him to do so, however, on one condition: that he not eat in the classroom. With the exception of the cafeteria or in a class where a special class party was taking place, students were not allowed to eat inside at Oxitern Academy.

    This basically meant that Sascha did not get to eat during lunch period. He had been able to eat during the occasions he was given the opportunity to be outside while traveling from certain classes to others. But then apparently a problem had developed with people littering food and food containers on the campus, so a month earlier the rules had been changed so that Oxitern students were forbidden to eat or drink anywhere on campus outside of the aforementioned places. If caught, the punishment was a detention— a Friday detention for lower- and middle-schoolers, and as there was no such thing as a Friday detention for them, a Saturday detention for upper-schoolers. Now Sascha had to wait until the end of the school day to eat.

    He was fortunate enough, however, to not have to watch Reverend Stone eat. Though he likely could, Reverend Stone did not eat in his classroom either during lunch period.

    Normally, Sascha would have been doing some of his homework. B-formers, Oxitern’s equivalent of fifth-graders, were normally assigned around three hours a night, so he felt the time was simply too precious to waste. When he had tried to do it however, he was too spaced out. A few months earlier in the beginning of the school year, Sascha had become plagued with stomach problems that had increased in frequency and severity over time. The last time he had been able to eat was a few bites of dinner the previous night.

    Knowing that morning that by this point he would have not eaten in nearly twenty-four hours, he knew he might be unable to do his homework at this lunch period and had brought Sir Simon, who currently sat atop his desk, along with him to school.

    His taxidermy hobby had ended with Uncle Isaiah’s death the previous school year. He had not, however, gotten rid of his only untransformed specimen: a baby fox. It had been lying in a special freezer he used to store his carcasses and kept in the basement for over a year. Christian, as he often did, had hunted it just for him on one of his many hunting expeditions with Isaiah. Christian had even given him his prize kill, a bobcat, which made Christian’s eyes glitter just at the sight of, to keep and mount. When Uncle Isaiah had died, Sascha couldn’t bring himself to remove the fox from the freezer and begin to transform it, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove it and throw it away either. And so the fox had laid in its freezer coffin in the bowels of his home unseen and untouched for months on end. But then suddenly, Sascha had developed a strong inexplicable urge to mount it.

    He decided to “make” him Sir Simon Whitwell, the owner of the taxidermy knife Uncle Isaiah had given Sascha the summer of third grade. The knife was a stunning thing. Custom-made to its owner’s specifications, it had a real jade handle and the type of curved tip that made it what taxidermists called a “perfect knife.” Carved into the jade was a picture of a scowling curly-haired young little boy imperiously holding aloft a huge, writhing snake in each of his tiny hands. The boy was Baby Hercules, son of Zeus. The snakes were the murder weapons his stepmother Hera had sent into his crib to try to kill him. Isaiah had told him nothing of the knife’s owner or origins when he had given it to him. Had he had never found the old auction catalog in Steed’s attic, he would have never known who its owner even was or that its opening bid price was five thousand dollars. He wondered about the man who could drive someone to spend thousands of dollars to just own a taxidermy knife of his, so that night he went on the Internet and typed in his name.

    Three pages of websites had come up about the eighteenth-century British nobleman with a “rapier-like brilliance” and a “face of an angel” so beautiful it drew “many a female to obsession and many a male to violence.” After his death at age twenty-two in a duel, he would be immortalized by his posthumously published diaries, which would turn him into an underground cult figure. Sascha had read the diaries of the once “almost sexually” devout Christian twice.

    He had also been able to find a picture of “Sir Simon,” as he had come to think of him, on an Internet site and printed it out. According to the site, the picture was painted by a society artist when Sir Simon was eighteen and was the only one that existed of him. When he had first looked at it, Sascha had thought that Sir Simon, with his halo of white-blond curls and an almost girlish prettiness, really did have a face of an angel. He, in fact, would have kind of looked like a grown-up version of those cherubs in those old museum paintings had it not been for his coal-black eyes. And so he had glued into the fox’s emptied eye sockets the pair of neon red- and green-laced smoky raven stones Steed had given him about a year before his death. Sascha knew they were real black opals but let Steed think he didn’t know they were, just as he let him think he hadn’t known about the rubies and sapphires and countless other stones he had given him for his animals over time.

    With the picture of Sir Simon poised beside him, he was studying Sir Simon’s clothes as he designed in a notebook the costume he would make and put on his own Sir Simon. Within minutes, however, Sascha saw that Sir Simon was proving no easier to concentrate on than his homework in his current mind-state, particularly since he was now suffering from a headache.

    As his headache became splitting and his stomach began to hurt, he realized there was a chance he might have in his knapsack the remains of a grilled vegetable sandwich he had purchased after school the previous week. Diving into his bag he quickly found half of it. Unwrapping the sandwich, he saw that one of the red peppers sticking out from the bread was rotten. Too hungry to care, he immediately raised it to his lips.

    Yet just as his lips were about to touch it, however his eyes met the wall clock and he realized Reverend Stone would be back soon. He returned it to his knapsack. He then realized that the clock was five minutes slow, and that he could easily eat the sandwich before Stone returned. But as he pulled it out again, it didn’t make it past his chest before he put it down on the desk. He looked down at his knapsack, then at the trash can in the corner. Picking it up, he slowly walked over to the trash can and with great difficulty, threw it out.

    Once he returned to his desk, he continued to work on Sir Simon, despite his difficulty doing so, for need of something to do and because it was easier than doing his homework.

    “You know Norman Bates was a taxidermist.”

    Sascha flinched as Stone’s heavy voice landed upon him.

    “Oh, I’m sorry Reverend Stone, you surprised me.”

    A slight lightheadedness washed over him, and a sharp pain knifed his stomach as he looked up at the forty-six-year-old Stone’s unusually tall and broad looming form.

    “Who’s Norman Bates?”

    Stone jokily began humming the Psycho theme as he mimicked stabbing someone with a knife. Noticing the confusion in Sascha’s eyes, he explained with a laugh, “He’s one of cinema’s most infamous killers.”

    Sascha’s eyes lit up, but his smile was shaky.

    “A very shy nerdy man who no one was afraid of—until, that is, he stabbed a very pretty lady in the shower.”

    Sascha’s smile grew queasy as he gave a laugh that turned soundless a millisecond after it escaped his mouth. He then looked up at Stone silently with dumb, glassy eyes.

    “Are you all right, Silverman?”

    “Uh . . .”

    “What?”

    “Um I . . . I wa—”

    “What?”

    “I—uh—I’m just a bit tired. . . . Didn’t get much sleep last night.”

    “Warm milk’s the thing for that,” Stone said, heading to his desk.

    “Oh yeah. . . I’ve heard about that,” Sascha replied. before returning to his work.

    He returned to his work as Stone propped up his massive feet up on his desk and opened a tattered hardcover library book.

    Sascha watched him read for a few seconds, then asked,

“Um, what are you reading?”

    “A biography of General Patton,” he answered without looking up.

    The faint, cool, cryptic bemusement that seemed to permanently inhabit Stone’s dull brown eyes appeared to slide into his smile as he said this. Sascha saw that the book’s cover had the word “Patton” sprawled across it in large letters.

    “Is it, uh . . . good?”

    “Yes . . . so far.”

    Sascha thought about maybe asking him something more about Norman Bates, but then decided against it. He returned to his work.

    After a couple of minutes, he turned back to him again.

    “Uh, Reverend Stone?”

    “Yes?”

    “I, uh . . . wanted to ask you something.”

    “What is it?”

    As Stone looked up from his book back at him, Sascha suddenly felt trapped.

    “Well, uh . . .”

    “What?”

    “Nothing.”

    “What?”

    Stone broadened the small smile that often seemed to Sascha to be etched onto his strong lantern-jawed face; one that seemed to say “don’t be shy.”

    “Well . . . I was wondering about something. . . . I’m uh . . . studying the Book of Revelations in religion class right now—”

    “You have who?”

    “Reverend Crowe for Religion . . . Reverend Crowe. . . . Well, anyway . . . I had always thought that Satan and the Antichrist and the Beast were the same thing—the devil—and that the devil lived in hell, and 666 was the mark of the devil. But then we learned that actually the Antichrist and the Beast are the same thing—and that 666 is the mark of him, but that Satan is something else, that the Antichrist—or Beast—is actually the henchman of Satan, perhaps even his son, and that neither Satan nor the Antichrist live in hell—until, that is, they lose Armageddon after the Antichrist comes to rule the world after he rises out of the water with the Scarlet Woman on his ba—”

    “I know the story, Silverman,” he replied, his smile having become gently patronizing. He raked a hand through his kinky graying sandy-blond hair. “So what’s your question?”

    “Well . . . when I found that out . . . I was really surprised—but it turned out that so was everyone else in the class, even though I’m the only person in the class who’s not Christian.”

    “So what’s your question?”

    “Why?”

    “Why what?”

    “Well—aren’t Satan and the Antichrist and hell, like really important to the Christian religion?”

    “Of course they are.”

    “Well. . . then. . . I don’t understand.”

    “You don’t understand what?”

    “Well . . . um . . . that . . .”

    “That what, Silverman?” he asked, slumping back a bit in his chair.  Sascha saw the faint, almost menacing coldness that subtly swelled, then tightened the still-smiling Stone’s pupils.

    “W-well . . . that, uh . . . such an important—”

    “You wearing your red socks today?” Christian asked.

    “Crowe, you know we’re not doing that until the end of the semester. Remember, patience is a virtue—one you desperately need to learn.”

    When, out of the corner of his eye, Sascha saw the ruffled yellow heads of Hunter Laszlo, Trevor Howells, and Thompson Guest trailing into the room behind Christian, he abruptly put away Sir Simon and all things regarding him, replacing them with a history textbook that he immediately began “reading.”

    “Aw, come on,” Christian pleaded.

    “Please,” pleaded Hunter.

    “I said no. The betting pool does not open until the end of the semester—as you already know.”

    “Pleee-asse?” begged Thompson with raised, clasped hands.

    As his friends looked back at Thompson disapprovingly, Stone repeated, “As you already know.

    “So what brings you in here? Has it started raining out there already?” Stone asked, cocking his head toward the heavy grey wet sky out the window.

    “Not yet,” answered Hunter, “but it looked like it was about to, and we didn’t want to get caught up in it while we were out there playing footb—”

    “Speaking of which, I’ve been watching you out there. You’re quite a football player, Crowe.”

    “You really think so?” asked Christian.

    “Sure.”

    “Yeah . . . I was the one who taught him how to play,” Hunter looked directly at Stone as he favored him with a half-glance. “He had never played at all before, but once I taught him, he was great, of course. He always is at sports.”

     “You know you’ve got real talent as an athlete, Crowe. Don’t waste it. You know, I think you might even be a better athlete than your brother was at your age.”

    “Really?”

    “Yes, really.”

    “You keep it up, you’ll be able to have your pick of college athletic scholarships just like he’s getting

now. Hayden’s been approached by Harvard, hasn’t he?”

    “Yeah—yes, and Dartmouth, but not for football, for lacrosse.”

    An image flashed into Sascha’s mind of the Oxitern pep rallies he loved so much, the glittery-eyed hysteria that the audience, he just a little more than most, were brought to by upper-school star athletes like Hayden as they engaged in the euphoric call-and-response dialogue of an evangelical preacher with them. It hit him then that six years from now Christian would be up on that stage with that microphone in his hand, and he would not.

    “But I don’t care how good at sports you are Crowe, it doesn’t give you a license to slack off on your studies”

    “Oh no, I wouldn’t.”

    “Well, I’m not quite so sure about that. I have a feeling that if a smart boy like you—” he said, the word you accompanied by a playful pen-tap on the head,“—were to put even half of that energy you put out there on the field into your studies, you just might be as good a student as Silverman here is.”

    Feeling his left hand shake, then twitch atop his desk, Sascha swiftly slid it down to his lap, hoping it hadn’t already been seen. “But ask him—you’ve got to work hard to do well at a school like this. This is Oxitern Academy, not Black Creek Elementary.”

    The boys joined Stone in a chuckle, adding a twist of nasty hilarity to theirs’.

    “You’ve really got to give it your all here. Silverman, how many hours a night do you devote to your studies?”

    “. . . Um, uh . . . I dunno.” His mouth’s almost painful dryness forcing him to pause, Sascha had to swallow hard before continuing. “. . . Um . . . three hours a night or so . . . ’cept on Fridays . . . I get Fridays off, but . . . uh . . .”

    Needing to see the worst, Sascha’s eyes locked with Christian’s. Just out of Stone’s vision-reach, the wolf-eyed boy glared at him. No longer swathed in the baby fat that always hid his aggressively long and pointed chin and had made his oddly pointed ears less noticeable, Christian’s face had recently turned into something almost preternaturally fox-like.

    “But what?” Stone asked.

    “But . . . uh . . . I ha-have to devote the whole day on Sunday and, uh . . . som-sometimes . . . p-part of Saturday too, if there’s a big paper or test.”

    Reverend Stone whistled in a way that made Sascha unsure whether to feel bad or good about his answer.

    “Must be tough.”

    “No,” Sascha answered defensively, before defiantly adding, “I can handle it.”

    “Bet you can. . . . See Crowe—and the rest of you—this—” He started shaking his finger at Sascha while only half looking at him. “—is how much discipline and hard work it takes even when you’re very smart. We can’t all be Wilkie Wards,” he said, referring to the blue-blooded sixteen-year-old heir whose IQ was as much the subject of speculation as the centuries-old fortune he was to inherit. “But who’s a Wilkie Ward? Wilkie Wards are one in a million in this world. So, unfortunately, the rest of us non-geniuses have to succeed on good old-fashioned hard work.”

    Feeling his face flush, Sascha prayed Stone couldn’t see it.

    “Don’t worry, you’re almost a genius, Silverman.”

    Feeling the charge in the air alter as the boys turned to him, Sascha’s chest started to ache. As their soft little scattered titters began, he only gave his audience a nanosecond shaky half-smile before turning back to his “reading.”

    “And definitely a sinner. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much envy and pride in a single expression. That’s just the way it—what’s that?”

    “What’s what?” Hunter asked nervously as faint rap music wafted over his shoulder.

    Hunter’s body visibly tensed as Stone leaned over toward his knapsack and removed the Discman that was poking partly out of its front pocket. Leaning back in his chair, he hunched over it, placing his elbows on his knees.

    As he began to intently study its contents, his smile slowly, ever so subtly, transformed into a gleefully rueful grimace.

    “Two Dollaz . . . is he a gangstah?”

    Looking up at Hunter, the grimace bled into his eyes. His voice became at once darker and happier as he asked him, “A hardcore gangbangah?”

    Answering Hunter’s awkward, tense silence, Stone spoke with a somewhat neutralized voice, but a more direct gaze as he said, “Tell me something, Laszlo. If, say a few years ago, your mother was driving you somewhere in the city, and one of those squeegee guys came up, cleaned your car window and then when your mother rolled down her window to give him a dollar, shoved a gun in her face and carjacked you, you wouldn’t like it, would you?”

    Hunter just looked up at him mutely, his eyes roaming all over the place.

    “Would you?”

    “Uh . . . no . . . no, sir—I . . . wouldn’t.”

    “So why, when a few years later, the same guy shows up on MTV in gold chains in a hot tub, would you want to buy his albu—?”

    “I didn’t,” Hunter softly protested. “Howells gave it to me—as a birthday present.”

    Hunter did not even get to complete his accusatory back-turn to Trevor before Trevor said, “Which I only got ’cos Guest said it was good,” and gave Thompson a more chastising look-back.

    Leaning back and putting his feet up on his desk, Stone flicked the Discman shut and raised it in the air. “You know, for this I’m supposed to give you a Saturday detention and confiscate it for a week.”

    “I know,” murmured a head-bowing Hunter.

    With the Discman suspended in his hand, Stone froze, filling the room with a tight protracted silence.

    “But I won’t.”

    So gifted was Stone at these types of silences, so great was he at making five seconds feel like five minutes, that when he had finally released Hunter from it and punishment, the boy, even favored as he was, did not immediately realize he was being let off. So it took a moment for the rude animal health-pink to return to his lightly freckled cheeks and the sharpness to return to his cold shockingly bright blue eyes. And when they did and he looked back up at Stone, he could barely contain his smile as he said, “Thank you, sir.”

    “Just let this be a warning.”

    “Yes. Thank you.”

    As Hunter waited for him to give him back the Discman, Stone opened it, smiled at him, and, as if he were receiving telepathic consent from the boy, threw the CD in the trash.

    “You’re better than this.”

    Hunter began to flick his eyes toward the trash can, before shamefully stopping himself.

    “I know, sir.”

    “You’re all better than this.”

    Mouthing yes, the boys lowered their heads in what began as a nod but ended as a bow.

    “Just because minstrel shows used to be popular, didn’t mean black people went to them and clapped their hands.”

    The boys—who had no idea what minstrel shows were—re-bowed their heads, less in leftover shame than to hide from Stone their confusion.

    To this Stone beamed amicably and said, “So . . . there’s still all those board games in the back closet over there, so help yourselves.”

    While the boys headed toward the games, Sascha abruptly got up and began quickly putting his textbook into his knapsack.

    “Where’re you going?” Stone asked.

    “To—uh—the cafeteria. . . . I need to get something to eat.” Before Stone could say anything more, Sascha had already exited the classroom.

    It was not until he was halfway down the hall that he realized that he did something he had never done before.

    He had lied to Reverend Stone.

iii

    He was in truth heading toward the Wyler Ward gymnasium. Since it was Friday, he thought it would be a good time to retrieve his dirty gym clothes from his locker and get them cleaned over the weekend.

    Sascha had developed an obsession about the cleanliness of his gym clothes. The previous month, his gym teacher Mr. Whitlock had screamed at him so loudly for wearing a shirt with sweat-stained underarms that the whole class had flinched. He had never even yelled at his other whipping boy, fat, friendless, acne-soiled Richie Baxter, like that, despite his being an even worse athlete than Sascha was.

    Before he could even reach his locker though, a pain sliced through his stomach’s center and knocked his head down to his knees. Realizing he had a couple Rolaids left in the knapsack on his back, he tried to get them, but he couldn’t leave his standing, fetal position. Only after nearly a minute did the pain allow him to rise and rifle through his bag and find the tablets.

    Once he did and their soothing, chalky residue filled his mouth, he stood in an endorphin-laced daze as the pain cooled and the blood rushed back to his head. Soon he felt something caress his shoulder. His back felt strangely light, as if a burden had been removed from it.

    It wasn’t until he could hear a pair of familiar giggles that he understood why.

    “Give it back!”

    Just as Sascha caught up with Wilkie Ward, Wilkie threw his knapsack to Tim Burroughs. Just as he caught up with Tim Burroughs, Burroughs threw it to Todd Fellows.

    “Give it back!”

    “Nah,” Wilkie answered affably as he caught the knapsack from Fellows. “I think you need a break from this stuff.” He jumped up on the bench that divided the third row of lockers. “You’re gonna have a heart attack by the time you’re eleven,” he said as he pulled out his binder, turned to a page with writing on it, and turned away from Sascha.

    As he heard the page rip, Sascha extended his hands out like claws and leapt up toward Wilkie, yelling, “Give it the fuck back you fucking motherfucker!”

    “Ahhhh!”

    A frightening silence befell the room as the sound of a thud and crack reverberated across it and Wilkie’s hand reflexively covered his face.

    Sascha looked to the floor, where his binder lay open to the page Wilkie had been “ripping,” completely intact.

    Halfway across the room against the wall, Wilkie’s glasses lay, one of their lenses severely cracked.

    Looking up at Fellows and Burroughs, Sascha saw faces impossibly devoid of expression. After allowing himself a moment’s reprieve, he forced himself to look at Wilkie.

    He had never seen Wilkie without his glasses. He had seen him naked once before in the locker room, and he didn’t look as naked as he looked now. Trying to read Wilkie’s oddly large and wide-spaced panther-green eyes, Sascha saw that same frightening blankness he had seen in Burroughs’s and Fellows’s eyes.

    As Wilkie slowly lowered the hand that was veiling his face, Sascha heard a collective involuntary wince flood the room.

    Tilting up his head, Wilkie caught his reflection in one of the bathroom mirrors across the room.

    His right eye began to twitch while he looked at the scratch surfacing across his high, razor-like cheekbone.

    “I’m . . . I’m sorry Wilkie . . . it was an accident.”

    His twitching eye began shaking as it continued to gaze into the mirror.

    “I’m sorry . . . it was—here—”

    Heading over to the corner across the room where they had skidded to retrieve his glasses, Sascha could hear every step he made as if his shoes were made of lead. Save for his footsteps, the room was so quiet he could hear everyone’s breathing but Wilkie’s. Once he reached him, he extended them only slightly upward toward him. When he saw that he was not bending down to take them, Sascha had to almost fully extend his arm before Wilkie took them from his hand.

    Looking down at them, a sadness overtook Wilkie’s eyes. His swollen-full red lips tightened together, then for a nanosecond quivered, before slightly grimacing.

    “Not much good to me now, are they?” he asked in a voice that seemed angry, yet not at Sascha, but at the pathetic nature of the situation.

    A strange unnerving feeling was coming over Sascha as the anger he had felt for Wilkie was being replaced with pity and rerouted toward himself.

    “I’m sorry.”

    Wilkie’s eyes remained morosely on his glasses.

    “Do you have another pai—”

    “No,” Wilkie snapped in an almost cracked voice as he looked up at him. Seeing how quickly his eyes returned to his glasses, Sascha wondered if they were tearing.

    “It was an accide—”

    “Oops!” Jumping down, in one fell swoop he grabbed a sheaf of papers from Sascha’s binder and ripped them up as one. “I’m sorry.”

    Lunging toward Wilkie, Sascha was immediately restrained by Burroughs and Fellows. Wilkie removed Sir Simon from his knapsack and dramatically dropped him on the floor.

    “It was an accident.”

    As Wilkie raised his foot, Sascha turned away and closed his eyes.

    “Fuck you, Wilkie!”

    Sascha grit his teeth and kept his eyes closed as he heard the stomping sound. “Fuck you, Wilkie, you asshole motherfucker!”

    “Better be careful no one hears you. You might get a demerit.”

    “Fuck you, Fellows, you ugly zitface motherfucker!”

    “Boy, if Daddy Mad Max Silverman could only hear you now. Kills himself to get out of the slums, works so hard defending really rich rapists and killers so he can give his son a better life, and you repay him by talking like a little ghettonigger.”

    “I’d rather talk like a ghettonigger than be a white trash piece of shit with a fat-ass, droopy-titted mother—”

    “Don’t!” Wilkie yelled to Burroughs, but it was already too late. He had already thrown Sascha over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

    “Burroughs—what are you doing?”

    “This little brat needs to be taught a lesson.” Burroughs’ voice was filled with the same gleeful rage that was growing on Fellows’s face, who followed him as he carried Sascha toward the bathroom.

    As they entered, Sascha came eye to eye with Wilkie’s reflection. Sascha gave him a pleading look.

    Crossing his arms, Wilkie gave a laugh which, though soundless, Sascha could tell by his eyes was a rueful one. Then Wilkie looked away from him.

iv

It wasn’t his fault. They had been doing it for ten straight minutes. There was nothing he could do.

    “Hope you’re wearing your diapers today.”

    “Maybe the school should make him take a class in toilet training.”

    Burroughs’ and Fellows’ voices wafted across the locker room into the bathroom and swirled around Sascha, merging with the warm stench of his own shit, which was slowly wrapping itself around him and suffocating him as he slid down the wall, his mouth foaming with cotton-candy-pink soap.

    It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t just going in his mouth but down his throat too. And he had already been sick.

    His glazed eyes registered Wilkie’s topsiders walking on the moistened beige tiles toward him.

    “Do you expect me to feel sorry for you now?”

    As Wilkie awaited his answer, Sascha’s eyes traced around the loops of his tied leather laces.

    “Do you?”

    Sascha examined the sleek horizontal sole of the right topsider.

    “You think you’re better than Burroughs because your daddy makes more money than his?”

    His eyes slid along the left sole.

    “Huh?”

    Traveling over the bridge of his foot, his eyes were abruptly met by Wilkie’s as he crouched down. Only now did he realize that Wilkie was wearing an uncracked pair of glasses and that he had been since their eyes had last met over Burroughs’s shoulder.

    “Huh?”

    His eyes remained on Sascha’s telling him they wouldn’t leave his until Sascha answered him.

    “No,” Sascha almost whispered.

    “And what about Fellows? Do you think you’re better than him just because you’re better looking than him?”

    A split-second image flashed into the corner of Sascha’s eye of Fellows looking at Wilkie strangely, maybe shocked, maybe sad.

    “Do you?”

    “No.”

    Laughing bitterly, Wilkie looked down at the pants Sascha had yet to be able to look down at. While the shit started to soak through to their outside, Wilkie looked back up at him with growing revulsion.

    “Look at you . . . how can you sit there like that? . . . In your own shit? . . . Don’t you have any respect for yourself?” His smile disappeared as if it couldn’t bear to be on his face anymore. “Jesus, clean yourself up.”

    And then he got up and walked away.

               

                                   v

    He couldn’t go around the rest of the day like this. He couldn’t.

    He might be able to change into his gym sweatpants and make up some excuse about what had happened to his pants. But they would grill him. The teachers would all grill him until it would end up bursting out of him.

    Maybe he could clean his pants. With hot enough water it might work. There was only a little on the outside, and he could just throw his underwear down the incinerator.

    But how would he dry them?

    His heart leapt as he spotted the bathroom’s pair of electric blowers out of the corner of his eye.

    A small wave of Pyrrhic relief washed over Sascha as he pulled his dried pants out from under the electric blower. Examining them, his nostrils flared and his teeth grit so hard he could hear his jaw snap. His eyes began to burn, but as soon as they felt wet, he blinked hard, refusing to blink them again once he reopened them. He had only been able to do a near-perfect job. The back of his dark grey pants was still stained with just the tiniest microscopic brown spot.

    Realizing in the next moment however, that his unharmed blazer would be long enough to cover it, he became flooded with an angry, humiliating sense of relief.

    After putting on his pants, he walked over to the sink and turned on the faucet. Only when he had turned it up to the hottest temperature would he put his hands under it. Even as the water began smoking and his hands turned a near-red hot pink, he would not stop washing his hands until five minutes had passed. When he finished, his eyes rose up toward the paper towel dispenser by the sink, stopping when they caught his reflection in the mirror before him. His eyes didn’t move from the mirror.

                                              vi

    Tugging at the drawer handle, Sascha let out a groan.

    Reverend Stone’s desk was locked.

    Images of past-seen movie scenes flickering in his head, he dropped to his knees and drew his knapsack toward him.

    Keeping one eye on the door of Stone’s classroom and a half an eye out the window, he ransacked his bag for a paper clip.

    Finally finding one, he straightened it out. But his hands were shaking so badly that he dropped it immediately after doing so.

    Crawling under Stone’s desk, he picked up the clip, hitting his head so hard as he withdrew from it he had to put his fist into his mouth for a moment to stop himself from crying out.

    Returning to his space in front of the desk’s drawer, he put the tip of the clip in the lock.

    After a few seconds, euphoria shot up through Sascha’s skull as he felt and heard a click.

    Shoving the clip in his pocket, he opened Stone’s drawer and began carefully scanning it for what he was looking for. Finding it, anxious not to disturb anything, he removed it delicately from the desk.

    “What are you doing?” Hunter asked.

 

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Treasure Me (Liberty Series)

by Christine Nolfi

4.5 stars – 88 Reviews
Text-to-Speech and Lending: Enabled
Here’s the set-up:

Petty thief Birdie Kaminsky has arrived in Liberty, Ohio to steal a treasure hidden since the Civil War. She’s in possession of a charming clue passed down in her family for generations: Liberty safeguards the cherished heart.

The beautiful thief wants to go straight. She secretly admires the clue’s author, freedwoman Justice Postell, who rose above the horrors of slavery to build a new life in Ohio. As Birdie searches for the treasure she begins to believe a questionable part of the story: a tale of love between Justice and Lucas Postell, the French plantation owner who was Birdie’s ancestor.

If the stories are true, Justice bore a child with Lucas. Some of those black relatives might still live in town. Birdie can’t help but wonder if she’s found one—Liberty’s feisty matriarch, Theodora Hendricks, who packs a pistol and heartwarming stories about Justice. She doesn’t know that an investigative reporter has arrived in town to trip her up—as will her conscience when she begins to wonder if it’s possible to start a new life with stolen riches.

Yet with each clue she unearths, Birdie discovers a family history more precious than gems, a tradition of love richer than she’d imagined.

5-star praise for Treasure Me:

“Loved it!!! Story line was great, a fun and mysterious plot, great romance. Will be reading more of this author…on to the next one! Sweet!”

“With romance, buried treasure, suspense and drama, Treasure Me is fantastic! … Great character development, excellent dialogue and a solid plot set the tone for this lively and entertaining tale…”

an excerpt from

Treasure Me
by Christine Nolfi

 

Copyright © 2014 by Christine Nolfi and published here with her permission

Chapter  1

“Where are you? Give me back my wallet!”

From somewhere inside Birdie Kaminsky’s apartment, the man in blue pinstripe stormed through the rooms like a long distance runner stoked on Red Bull. Flinching at the fury in his voice, she dangled from the window ledge and stared with wide-eyed fear at the pavement three stories below.

The man was seventy years old if he was a day. He probably worked out, which explained how he’d pursued her up three flights of stairs and made it into her apartment before she locked the front door.

Old men and their treadmills. It was something she should’ve considered before she’d picked his pocket on her way home from a light day of breaking and entering.

Birdie tried to ignore the sickening whoosh of fear zigzagging through her body. Her teeth were chattering, so she clamped her mouth shut. Three stories above terra firma made a straight drop a stupid idea. Like any good thief she was agile. But the last time she’d checked she hadn’t sprouted wings. If she let go of the windowsill and took the plunge, she’d break her legs.

“Where are you hiding? You aren’t taking my money, do you hear me?”

Something crashed to the floor inside her apartment, the sound too close for comfort. Had it come from the hallway that led from the closet-sized living room to the pea-sized bedroom? With any luck, Marathon Man would stop in the bathroom to check if she was hiding behind the shower curtain.

She gasped as her hold on the windowsill loosened. “Oh, shit!”

Pressing her long legs forward, she flattened against the building’s brick façade. To her left, the drainpipe snaked down to the street. Reach for it and risk falling? Today was her thirty-first birthday and therefore a lucky day. On the other hand, her landlord had threatened to evict her this morning if she didn’t make good on her rent and a demonic old geezer was pounding on the bedroom door she’d had the sense to lock before she’d stupidly made her escape.

The window on the other side of the drainpipe slid open with a bang! Fear scuttled her heart. Mr. Chen stuck his head out and relief swamped her.

“Birdie! What happened?”

“Uh . . .”

Another wave of fists pounding and Mr. Chen’s mouth formed an O. “Is it the police? Did they threaten you? You didn’t squeal on the Poker Kings, did you?”

Mr. Chen held Poker Kings, a Tuesday night game, in his apartment. He did a great job of seeding his hand with Aces and he was always worried the cops would find out. Birdie figured he should worry about the other tenants learning he was fleecing them. The overworked Lexington Police Department had bigger fish to fry.

She smiled at him gamely. “Um, Mr. Chen, could you help me out? I’m gonna fall if you don’t.”

“Oh. Right.”

To her surprise, he jimmied a brick from the wall. Then another. When he’d finished, he grabbed her left foot and steered it toward the handy inverse steps he’d created. Stretching to the drainpipe, she grabbed hold then started toward his window. For all she knew, he hid his ill-gotten poker winnings behind the bricks.

No matter—his thieving heart was her salvation. She shimmied toward him with her pulse rattling inside her skull.

When she reached his window he helped her through and into the kitchen.

The fragrant scents of ginger and garlic mingled in the air. A wok sat on the counter. Evidently Mr. Chen had been preparing an early dinner while she’d been chased upstairs by the man whose pocket she’d picked.

Ignoring the rumbling in her stomach, she darted through the apartment. In the living room she found Mrs. Chen seated in the shiny new wheelchair Birdie had snagged from an assisted living facility last month. It hadn’t seemed fair for Mrs. Chen to spend hours on the phone, arguing with bureaucrats in her broken English. All she’d needed was a new set of wheels. Birdie was familiar with the pricey new facility—she’d eaten a free lunch in the cafeteria on more than one occasion. So she’d dolled up in a tight-fitting nurse’s uniform and set out to snatch a wheelchair.

She’d marched right into the lobby, cornered a hunky security guard lounging by the front desk, and announced she needed to assist a woman who was having trouble getting out of her car. All too eager to help, the security guard was still checking out her ass when she rolled the wheelchair out to the parking lot.

Dismissing the memory, she paused before the wheelchair. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Chen.”

“Birdie, hello. You stay for dinner?”

“Naw. I have to leave the city.”

“For good?”

“My time in Lexington is up.”

“You a crazy white girl, but we miss you.” Mrs. Chen thrust out her lower lip. “Wish you stay longer, steal a car for Yihung. His Buick is a beater.”

“I’ll grab him a Mercedes the next time I’m in Kentucky.” Regret sifted through her and her fingers were stinging, too. Hell, her thumbs were bleeding—she nearly had lost her purchase on the windowsill and plummeted to the ground. “You take care of yourself, okay?”

Mrs. Chen glanced at the ceiling, where pounding footsteps sounded. “You got money?” When Birdie started rifling through the pockets of her army surplus coat, the woman reached for the purse she’d left on the couch. She handed over a wad of bills. “Not much. You take.”

“Mrs. Chen . . .”

“Take!” The woman’s dark eyes snapped. Mr. Chen came into the room and she looked up at her husband. “Make her take my dough from bingo. I only give back to St. Vincent’s Church if I keep.”

There wasn’t time to argue. Birdie took the cash. Then she sighed at the sight of the large Mason jar in Mr. Chen’s hands, the one he sat beside his chair on Tuesday nights. Quarters, nickels, dimes—his poker winnings over the last few weeks. His generosity was sweet, but she couldn’t possibly lug a gallon jar to the Amtrak Station without drawing stares.

“Mr. Chen, I can’t—” She cut off when he opened a pocket on her oversized coat and poured in coins. She found her voice as he moved to the other side, to weigh her down equally. “I won’t be able to run if I’m lugging this much cargo.”

“With legs like yours? You can run, Birdie. Now go. I’ll keep the man upstairs busy. It’ll give you time to get away.”

“You’ll do that for me?”

“Sure I will.” Mr. Chen bounced his gaze across the pockets adorning her army coat. “Have you got the story with you?”

She’d placed the newspaper clipping from the Akron Register in a Ziploc bag for safekeeping. It was stashed in a zippered pocket above her heart.

Mr. Chen was the only person she’d shown it to. She didn’t trust anyone else in the building, not with a potential windfall at stake. Every family had a legend or two, and while Birdie’s clan also possessed stories of prison breaks and deals gone sour, a yarn from the Civil War probably didn’t amount to much. It was also possible her mother, who was an expert at deceit but an amateur with the truth, had pruned important facts from the story. She wasn’t above playing Birdie like a mark if it suited her purpose. And a tale of lost treasure, hidden away by a freedwoman when Abe Lincoln was in office, seemed more like a fairy tale than anything else.

But on the chance the newspaper article led to something of real worth, Birdie kept the clipping on her at all times.

She made a tapping motion over her right breast. “I’ve got it.” When Mr. Chen nodded with satisfaction, she added, “Thanks for taking care of the guy upstairs. Oh. Give this back to him.”

She pulled the man’s wallet from her army coat and flipped it open. Jackpot—four hundred dollars was inside. It was more than enough to cover a quick grab-and-dash excursion to Ohio.

Pocketing the bills, she thrust the wallet at Mr. Chen. “Gotta go.” The ceiling above them quaked. “I’ll call sometime next week to see how you and Mrs. Chen are doing.” She gave him a quick hug, then dashed out of the apartment.

A blast of November wind nearly took her off her feet as she headed down the street. The Greyhound station was only three blocks away. It was no problem to hoof it.

Thirty minutes later, she was elbowing her way through the crowded aisle to a seat in the back of the bus. The floor was wet with a slushy snow-rain mix. Somewhere up front, a baby’s wail cracked the air. Newspapers rustled and someone popped open a can. As the bus lumbered from the station, she glanced out of the window at the buildings streaming past, a few parking lots, then they were outside of the city with the rolling Kentucky hills turning white beneath the falling snow.

She pressed her face to the window and blew out a breath. A moist haze settled over the countryside reflected through the glass. Sunlight pooled in orange puddles beneath the hills as the blue of night bled into the horizon. It would be dark soon, and her muscles were leaden with exhaustion.

Staying in any town for too long was never a good plan, but she’d really taken to the Chens. She didn’t relish the possibility of never seeing them again. Mrs. Chen had taught her how to fold dumplings so the papery skins resembled tiny kites and Mr. Chen had become an unexpected confidant. The minor criminal tendencies that lured him to the card table enabled him to accept, if not admire, her larger transgressions. Their daily conversations about Mrs. Chen’s cardiovascular health and the gossip they shared about the other tenants had provided an endearing constancy. It had been some time since she’d stayed in a city long enough to learn her way around, let alone make an acquaintance. Friendship was rare, a gem she unearthed when the Chinese immigrant lobbed questions at her every time he found her creeping down the hallway.

It might be several years before Birdie risked another friendship. By necessity, a thief avoided the gummy substance of relationships. Familiarity was dangerous leverage in an alliance if one member made her living slipping wallets from pant pockets and lifting bills from unattended purses. The threat of prison time plagued her and she’d tried to go legal.

Learning the knack was impossible.

Summoning up her mother’s lessons required less discipline. In a busy department store, she’d dart through the mysterious contents of a purse swinging from a woman’s shoulder while its nearly unconscious owner wandered through the silks and taffetas. She didn’t consider her targets ‘marks’ as her mother did. Rather she viewed the unlucky souls as members of a separate tribe. Her greatest shame came not from the money she took but from the personal mementos that found their way into the pockets of her coat: a crumpled grocery list, the cheery newsletter from an elementary school. A photograph of a family pressed close together before a mantle festooned with greenery.

Of course, she’d taken nothing from the Chens except their unprejudiced affection. For the space of nine weeks they’d been everything to her. Pulling her collar up to her ears, Birdie rocked in time with the rumbling bus. The loneliness she wore like a second skin became unbearable. She began chewing her nails.

Across the aisle, a man with a beard was devouring a cupcake with brown frosting. It dawned that her birthday was nearly over. Thirty-one years old . . . most women were settled down by now with a husband and children. Not that she understood much about family life. Her mother, the notorious Wish Kaminsky, never stayed long with any man. She’d dragged Birdie from state to state as if they could live with their roots sheared off or flourish without a sense of permanency.

The bus shook and bumped down the highway. Her mood sinking, Birdie slid low in her seat. Cupcake Man leered at her with dots of icing on his teeth. Curling her body toward the window, she drew out the Ziploc bag and unfolded the newspaper clipping with exquisite care.

Second Chance in Small-town America. A journalist named Hugh Schaffer had written the article. It was a nice feature with several photographs of the restaurant, The Second Chance Grill. The restaurant’s owner had sold off everything she owned to save a local girl with leukemia. When the story broke last summer, Birdie watched the coverage on the national news. She thought nothing of it until her mother, Wish—who’d recently landed on the Fed’s radar and was now scamming her way toward Mexico—mailed off the paper before hopping a bus in southern Ohio.

The article told of an auction at the restaurant. Once people learned the proceeds would be used to save the sick girl, every last item was returned.

Including a Civil War-era portrait in a shadowbox frame. Bringing the article close, Birdie gazed intently at the photograph.

Curiosity swirled through her. No, she wasn’t responsible for the slaves her French ancestors had owned in the dawning years of the new republic. She’d only traveled through the South a few times and had never set foot on a plantation. Houses outside suburban Charleston now sat on the thousands of acres once owned by her forebears, the illustrious Postells. It was only fitting that their mansions had burned to the ground during the Civil War. Like slavery itself, they’d gone to ash.

Still, the story of a singular love had traveled down through the generations alongside the tales of slavery. Love between a plantation owner, who was Birdie’s ancestor, and the beautiful slave who’d comforted him after his wife’s death. The slave became a freedwoman and traveled north with riches given to her by her beloved. According to legend, the treasure had been stashed away for all these years.

Was any of it true? Birdie wasn’t sure. The bits and pieces of lore gleaned from her mother never gave enough detail to tell.

In one of the Akron Register photographs, The Second Chance Grill’s buxom chef stood in the foreground. But it was the portrait, clearly visible behind her, that gripped Birdie’s attention.

Is the woman in the portrait the freedwoman Justice Postell?

She knew enough American history to realize a daguerreotype of a black woman, taken in the mid-1800s, was unusual. The dress she wore was elegant, the collar tightly ruffled with tiny beads—like pearls—scattered across the bodice. Could a freedwoman have owned a dress so luxurious? The portrait seemed to confirm the stories passed down in Birdie’s family of how the plantation owner sent the black slave, Justice, north to freedom with hidden fortune. Once free, Justice became a successful businesswoman and wealthy in her own right. After she’d escaped slavery in South Carolina, where had she gone? In what state had she lived? The answer was shrouded in history.

Still, Birdie wouldn’t have believed she was actually looking at a portrait of Justice Postell if it weren’t for Hugh Schaffer’s article. The feature seemed to unravel some of the mystery behind a scrap of parchment her mother kept in a safety deposit box in Santa Fe. Wish swore the parchment had once belonged to Justice and was a clue to the location of the treasure.

Liberty safeguards the cherished heart.

The parchment had been passed down through generations in Birdie’s family as the once-proud plantation owners bred low and became a family of con artists and thieves. The cryptic message was never decoded.  During those infrequent times when Birdie and her mother landed in the same city—and if they were getting along—they’d stay up late drinking Rum and Cokes and theorize about the meaning behind the words.

Every snippet of family lore agreed on one fact: Justice never sold whatever she’d carried north to freedom. Gold bullion? Antique French jewelry worth thousands on today’s market?

Liberty safeguards . . .

So many guesses, and Birdie had never fully believed any of the stories. Until now.

The town where the portrait resided was Liberty, Ohio.

* * *

“Don’t even start with the excuses, Hugh. You’re fired.”

Trapped inside the glass-walled office, Hugh Schaeffer planted his feet before the City Editor’s desk and tried to get his bearings. Outside in the newsroom, journalists and copy editors were hard at work. He would have been too, if Bud Kresnick hadn’t confronted him the moment he stepped off the elevator and ordered him into the corner office.

It was just like Bud to incinerate a relatively happy Monday by leveling threats. ‘Relative’ being the operative word. Hugh’s latest live-in love, Melissa, had moved out of his apartment, taking his flat-screen TV with her.

Women, the thieving witches, always took something on the way out. His flat-screen TV. His microwave. Last March, Tamara Kelly made off with his entire sound system including the speakers he’d installed in every room of his condo. From the looks of the plaster, she’d used a blunt spoon to dig them out.

The weaker sex, my ass. Every last member of the pilfering sex should be banished to the seventh circle of hell.

Hugh grappled for a sense of calm. “You don’t want to fire me.” His trusty intuition warned that this time the City Editor would make good on the threat. “I’ll work late. Move up the deadlines, pile on the work—I’m your man.”

“Bullshit. You missed another deadline.”

“An oversight.”

Bud folded his hands over his expansive gut. “I went to press with a hole on page one. Know what I filled it with? Page four fluff. A ribbon cutting ceremony that’ll make me the laughingstock of every respectable paper in Ohio.”

“It won’t happen again,” Hugh said, thinking, this is the third deadline I’ve missed this month.

It wasn’t his fault. Melissa had been spilling tears across his apartment, in some sort of premenstrual funk over the sculpture she couldn’t finish.  She blamed his vibes, claimed his energy was dark and repressive and his inability to commit thwarted her creative flow. He’d vacillated between consoling her and camping out in front of the tube to watch the Browns lose to the Steelers, with a six-pack at his elbow.

On the other side of the desk, Bud wasn’t buying. “You’ve got an addiction, pal. Now it’s cost you your job.”

Hugh glowered. “I’m not a heavy drinker. Not anymore.”

“I’m talking about women.”

He flinched. “Okay—you’re right. I need a twelve-step program.”

“You also need a job since you’re no longer employed by the Akron Register.” When Hugh grumbled a protest, Bud waved the words away. “Listen, I was excited when I hired you. I knew you’d been thrown off four other newspapers. I also knew you’d once been a fine investigative reporter, one of the best in the state. I even felt bad last summer when I gave you the Liberty gig. You’re a cold-hearted bastard, and writing cotton candy prose must’ve nearly killed you.”

Which was true. Writing an upbeat feature about the money raised to pay for a kid’s bone marrow transplant wasn’t exactly Hugh Schaeffer material. No one had been gunned down at close range or absconded with thousands of dollars of public money. There was no sexual impropriety in high office to report or juicy grist about a corporation dumping some toxic stew into Lake Erie.

But he’d taken the assignment without complaint because Bud wanted to punish him for missing yet another deadline. Not my fault. Hugh was between live-in lovers at the time. When he met Zoe, a vivacious personal trainer, he left the article on union corruption in limbo.

Dodging the thought, he stuffed his pride. It was time to grovel. “If you fire me, there isn’t a newspaper in Ohio that’ll put me on the payroll. Not with five strikes against me.” Nervous tension wound through his muscles—this would be the end of his career. What would he do? He’d be a failure, a has-been—he’d be pathetic. “I’ll do anything. Give me one more chance.”

At the desperation in Hugh’s voice, Bud lowered his brows. But the City Editor surprised him when his expression softened. “Maybe you should try therapy.”

“What?”

Bud slowly rubbed his chin. “Seriously, pal. Get a therapist. Talk about it.”

“Talk about . . .” A sense of foreboding crept into his blood.

The members only club of newspaper editors was so tight knit, it was nearly incestuous. Had Bud heard through the grapevine about Hugh’s involvement in the Trinity Investment scandal? Ancient history, but it was the kind of archeological dig that could bury a man for years.

Fourteen years had passed since he’d written the article that derailed his life. Had Bud learned the sordid details from a colleague? The article, written when Hugh was a rookie, brought him perilously close to his subject. Naïve and eager, he plunged into the murky world of celebrity when he was too young to comprehend the danger. Had he loved the celebrated philanthropist, Cat Seavers? Impossible to recall—the intervening years had washed away the particulars of his emotional state even if they hadn’t absolved him of his sickly remorse. Her death and the subsequent uproar nearly destroyed him. He sought absolution in drink and women. He survived, barely, and his journalistic style became edgier, more in-your-face.

When he couldn’t find his voice, Bud said, “What are you, two years away from forty? All you do is chase tail, which has me thinking you aren’t chasing so much as running.”

“I’m not running from anything,” Hugh replied with enough heat to nearly convince himself. But if the City Editor had been a goddamn mystic he couldn’t have been more accurate.

“Tell you what.” Bud turned toward his computer and navigated through the Internet. “Remember those websites for the Perini girl? The ones where people donated cash for her bone marrow transplant?”

“Of course.”

“They’re still up, bringing in money.”

“She had the operation months ago.” Hugh’s inner antenna went on alert. Why were people across the country still making donations? Blossom Perini was on the mend. “What’s her father doing with all the cash?”

“Gee, Hugh, I don’t know. Think he’s funneling greenbacks into a vacation condo?”

“Could be.”

“Lots of good people donated money for the girl’s medical expenses. A real shame if Anthony Perini misappropriated the funds.”

Hugh’s brain whirled. “He could be doing anything—investing, buying cars—I’ll bet he’s already put thousands in his 401k, the bastard.”

“You tell me.”

“Okay, I will.” It might take a few weeks to uncover the scam, but if it put him back in Bud’s good graces, what the hell.

“But don’t tell me on my dime because you’re fired. You want to do some digging? Do it without an expense account from the Akron Register.”

Stunned, he let out a gargled laugh. “You’re telling me to spend a few weeks in Liberty without a paycheck or an expense account? Are you shitting me?” How much did he have in his checking account—a thousand dollars? Saving for a rainy day had never been his style. “If you want me to jump through hoops, I will. But not without greenbacks to make the gymnastics palatable.”

“Then forget it. I’m cutting you loose.”

The irritation churning Hugh’s gut mixed with fury. “That’s it? I’m fired unless I dig up dirt without pay?” Which wasn’t the worst of it. Liberty was a time warp from the 1950s. They rolled up the sidewalks and turned out the lights at 9:00 P.M. No nightlife, nothing. “You think I’m so desperate I’d consider it?”

Bud picked up a pen and rolled it between his thumb and forefinger with galling disinterest. “I have work to do.” He turned back to his computer. “And stay away from women while you’re in Liberty. Who knows? You might produce decent copy if you give your gonads a rest.”

“What sort of asshole demands work without pay?”

“Watch it—”

Hugh placed his palms on the desk. “I won’t do it.” Scowling, he leaned close. “You got it, Bud? The answer is no.”

Chapter 2

Shivering on the cobblestone walk outside The Second Chance Grill, Birdie took stock of the small town.

Liberty Square was stirring to life beneath a slate colored sky. Bands of gold poked through the clouds to illuminate a scene from a bygone era, the brick buildings iced with snow and the cobblestone walks gleaming and wet, as if each shop owner on the Square had hurried out in the dawn chill with a broom and good cheer to sweep the place clean. In the window of the florist shop, bouquets of yellow daisies and shell pink carnations framed a poster from the local Girl Scouts for the father and daughter Princess Ball, to be held on Saturday night at the United Methodist Church. Cars drove by slowly to avoid the pedestrians dashing across the street, a few women with their children bundled nicely in heavy coats and thick scarves, and three elderly men with their bristled cheeks glowing in the frigid breeze. In the center green, business types in long coats streamed into the brick courthouse anchoring the north end of the Square.

An unsettling déjà vu gripped Birdie. This was her first time in Liberty . . . and yet it wasn’t. She felt as if she’d been here long ago, the memory nearly a dream. The storefronts hemming in the large rectangle of the center green, the imposing brick courthouse—it was all intensely familiar. As was the restaurant with patriotic bunting festooned in the picture window, the door attractively painted Wedgwood blue.

Had she visited Liberty during her long-ago childhood? Uneasy, Birdie silently ticked off the elementary schools she’d attended, the entire depressing list. None were in Ohio.

Shrugging off the sensation, she entered the restaurant. Many of the tables were occupied: more business types, a few women with kids and several elderly couples. The counter’s barstools were filled, and a waitress with a bad dye job dashed from one customer to the next.

Where was the picture of Justice? Birdie scanned the cluttered walls. The restaurant was like a museum of Americana, with pewter sconces competing for wall space with gilt-framed portraits and paintings of Colonial America. To her left, a businessman rose from his table and strode out, leaving his half-eaten omelet and his toast untouched. Birdie slipped into his seat. Snatching up the toast she ate quickly, her gaze bounding across the museum of artifacts on the walls. An odd feeling tugged again and she whirled, as if to catch someone watching her.

No one noticed her . . . and the portrait of Justice was nowhere in sight.

The feeling of being watched wouldn’t abate and she hurried back out with the last of the man’s toast. It was early enough to wander around Liberty without drawing stares so she strode to the back of the building. The alley lay silent beneath the soft-falling snow.

The building was large, three stories in all. Through the windows above, a swath of darkness filled the second and third floors, as if they were rarely visited and largely forgotten, and she wondered if the upper floors held nothing but supplies for the restaurant. The safest place to break into a building was usually in back. She didn’t relish the thought of staying in the town any longer than necessary, and now was as good a time as any to check the place out. There was only one door, with an old-fashioned lock. She sorted through the pockets of her coat and found the two-inch file she kept on hand for this sort of occasion. The lock gave, and she dashed inside.

Noise from the restaurant’s kitchen carried down the hall, a burst of impatient conversation and the clatter of pots. She skirted away from the commotion and up the shadowed steps. The second floor’s narrow hallway led into a sea of black, the carpeting underfoot nothing more than waves of grey, and she stumbled forward in search of light. The corridor opened into a cozy reception area.

The walls carried the sharp scent of fresh paint. The seating arrangement appeared new. A big cutout in the opposite wall revealed a receptionist’s desk on the other side. Nearing, she peered inside. By the phone, a stack of business cards read, Dr. Mary Chance – Family Practice.

She recalled the contents of the newspaper article. The good doctor had inherited The Second Chance Grill and resided in Liberty for just a few months when she took up the cause of paying for Blossom Perini’s bone marrow transplant. Among the other antiques auctioned off then returned, the picture of a freedwoman had probably seemed insignificant. Wandering into the reception area, Birdie hoped that no one would notice when the portrait—and its hidden clue—disappeared altogether. Once she knew the portrait’s location, she’d break into the building at night and carry it off. Given all the stuff in the restaurant, the loss would surely go unnoticed.

Satisfied with her plan, she studied the pretty green carpet underfoot. Two examination rooms lay ahead, and both were neatly filled with sparkling medical instruments and gleaming jars of cotton balls. Even here, the scent of new paint was strong.

Medical care wasn’t something a drifter got much of, and she’d always been grateful for a hearty constitution. Life on the road meant head colds went untended and a sprained ankle was bound with tape stolen from the nearest drugstore. She frowned at the memories and the accompanying heartache. Even as a child she’d understood that complaining broke an unspoken rule. Her mother worked her scams from city to city, luring a man with her beauty, after which she’d take her ill-gotten gains and her kid and move on. Birdie saw the world as a kaleidoscope of people and events, a swirling mass of excitement that ended as quickly as it began.

She’d spent her childhood like a novice standing backstage in an adult play trying to learn the lines of her mother’s script. When brought onstage she was the adorable tot of a woman down on her luck and in need of a man’s protection. A certain type predictably fell for the trick, the sort of mark who joined civic groups and wore a conservative suit. There were always men to be had, innocent stooges with pathetically gallant natures.

Remembering those years feathered sadness across her heart. The child she’d been had bobbed her pigtails engagingly whenever the man called her sweet baby. She’d smiled, but her pleasure was never sincere, except for that one time when she was three or four years old, too young to understand the mistake of loving a man caught in her mother’s web.

She’d paid dearly for the error.

Paw Paw.

His name, the city where he’d lived, the lines composing his face—time had erased the particulars save the affectionate timbre of his voice. If she saw him on the street today she wouldn’t recognize him.

He must have been wealthy, because her mother had stayed in his city longer than usual while the temperature ground down to the single digits. Freezing rain hung from the fir trees like diamonds scattered amid the greenery and Birdie recalled a fever that left her dazed. Paw Paw, worried, took her to an emergency room where she was treated and released. He bundled her off to a house he must have rented on their behalf, the place so clean it looked new and the bed impossibly soft.  He spent hours playing Go Fish with her while she recovered. The cards were made of a heavy stock easy for a child to handle and printed with vivid scenes of marine life Birdie found mesmerizing.

The cards, now worn a tired grey, were mere scraps of fleeting joy tucked inside her coat.

Drawing out of the troubling reverie, she left the office and retraced her steps down the stairwell.

* * *

Settled on a plan, Birdie left the Square and found a small hardware store a few blocks away, where she bought a pen flashlight and extra batteries, and a bag of potato chips to hold her over. She was still stiff from the long bus ride and spent the next hour strolling the streets of pretty houses. There had to be a cheap motel somewhere, even in a town as small as this one, but she couldn’t find it. When her toes went numb inside her boots she started back up the hill to the Square. By the time she returned to The Second Chance Grill half of the breakfast customers had cleared out and she was able to grab a stool at the counter.

With renewed energy she surveyed the walls bursting with Americana, the large painting of George Washington astride a white horse, the brass sconces that might’ve been crafted in Williamsburg during the Colonial period. There was also a portrait of a man in a frock coat. Next up were a series of porcelain figurines she guessed were Pilgrims. Where was the portrait in the shadowbox frame? Frustrated, she slipped out the article from the Akron Register and examined the photo with painstaking interest, the heavy-set cook in the foreground and the portrait—it had to be of Justice—in the background. Had the photo been shot in the restaurant’s kitchen? Was the portrait, a key to untold riches, hanging by the stove or a sink full of dishes?

“Do you need a menu?”

Startled, Birdie swung back around. “Yeah. Great.” Stuffing the article back into her pocket, she gave the waitress, who looked about twenty years old, the once-over. “Nice hair.”

The waitress’s bubble gum-colored lips eased into a smile. “I was experimenting. Something went wrong.”

Way wrong. The young woman may have started on the highlighting highway toward blonde but she’d veered off on the lime green exit. Her close-cropped hair bore a definite green hue on top of the sunny yellow color. Then again, she was young enough to pull it off.

The waitress tipped her head to the side. “I’m Delia Molek. Are you new in town?”

Birdie hesitated. She didn’t have a story down yet. Was she visiting relatives? Just passing through? “Yeah, I just arrived,” she hedged. “My name’s Birdie Kaminsky.”

“Cute name. And don’t worry. All the publicity about Blossom has brought lots of newcomers to town. You aren’t alone. Liberty is growing for the first time in years.”

“Where’s the hotel?” Birdie peered over the heads of diners, and out the large picture window. “I didn’t see it on my way into town.”

Delia snorted. “Are you kidding?” She slapped a menu down in front of Birdie, who’d suddenly lost her appetite. “If our population mini-boom keeps up, maybe we’ll get a movie theatre. But a hotel? I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

“Where do people stay?”

“With relatives, where else?” The waitress rolled her tongue inside her delightfully plump cheeks. “Don’t you know anyone around here?”

Since when was that a crime? Of course, Birdie usually scammed her way through cities.  In a small town, a new face stood out. Cops in the sticks were best avoided and the neighbor next door might notice an afternoon burglary.

“I don’t have any relatives in Liberty.” The scent of bacon frying in the kitchen brought her hunger bounding back. After she ordered, she asked, “What about apartments? Is there a place I can rent by the week?”

“Mary’s place is available. It’s on the second floor, right above us. But I think she was hoping to rent by the month. If I were you, I’d grab it. There really isn’t anywhere else.”

She’d already canvassed Dr. Mary’s new office upstairs—the door in the hallway she’d passed must’ve led into the woman’s apartment. “Why is Mary renting her apartment?”

“She got hitched to Blossom’s dad. Real spur of the moment.”

“How much is the monthly rent?” After Delia told her, Birdie frowned. “That seems awfully steep.”

“Trust me—there’s nowhere else.”

Which was a hassle since Birdie had no idea how long she’d be staying. She still had to locate the portrait of Justice. According to family legend, there was a clue attached to the picture, which led to the mysterious treasure. Of course, it might all be a tall tale. She might spend time in Liberty spinning her wheels for nothing.

While she ruminated, Delia returned with a plate of eggs, sunny side up, bacon, and a side of wheat toast. After the waitress poured coffee, she said, “So. Do you want to check out the apartment?”

“I don’t need a tour of the place.” Like it or not, she’d have to pay a month’s rent. “I’ll move in right after I finish breakfast.”

“I’ll tell Finney.” Delia jerked her chin toward the swinging door, and the kitchen beyond. “She’s the cook—a real nice woman as long as you don’t piss her off. She’ll ask for references.”

“What kind?”

“The usual. Your last three places of employment, and the names of everyone you know in town.” The waitress misread the horror on Birdie’s face and quickly added, “It’s not a big deal. Use me as a reference. We’ll tell Finney you’re a friend of the family.”

The offer would’ve been suspect if it weren’t for Delia’s wide-eyed cheer. Stuck in this desolate town, surrounded by snow-covered cornfields, the waitress had probably lost half of her girlfriends to marriage and the rest to civilization. Yet the offer wasn’t enough to put Birdie in the clear. She didn’t have anything resembling an employment history. Stumped, she bit into her toast to stall for time.

When the silence grew daunting, she said, “My job history is a little sketchy.” Delia puffed out her lower lip in what appeared to be a show of empathy. Emboldened, Birdie corralled her scattered thoughts and devised a plausible story. “I’ve been traveling. In Europe. I worked in a shoe store in London and a travel agency in Rome. Short gigs, but they paid for my Eurail pass.”

Delia fiddled around inside her blouse and withdrew a stick of gum from her bra. “Sweet. I’d love to see Europe.”

“I’ll tell you everything once I’m settled in.” She sensed triumph as the young woman’s expression lit up. “I mean, Finney won’t mind calling overseas to check my references, will she?”

“She’d make me walk to London to check you out before she’d pay for an overseas call.”

“Then I guess I’m screwed.”

“No, no—we’ll think of something!” Delia raked her fingers through her hair. “There must be a way to get around the references.”

Birdie was about to wholeheartedly agree.

Her optimism died when, from behind, a man said, “Delia, don’t bother. You can’t lease the apartment to her. I’m taking it.”

Chapter 3

The angel in the army jacket swung around on her barstool and gave Hugh a look that needed no interpretation.  Pure unadulterated loathing. He was out to steal her new digs in town. Evidently, she wasn’t pleased.

Which was her tough luck. He needed a base of operations. It might take weeks to write an exposé about Anthony Perini’s misuse of the money pouring into the websites for his daughter’s medical bills. Those bills no longer existed. The dirt Hugh planned to dig up would make for journalistic greatness. Best of all, he’d get reinstated at the Akron Register.

He shrugged off her ire when Finney Smith, who’d presumably heard his voice, barreled from the kitchen and hurried around the counter.

“Hugh! What are you doing here?” The cook caught him in a bear hug, greasy apron and all. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming? Are you writing another article about Blossom? Oh, wait until Mary and Anthony find out you’re back!”

Her excitement barely registered. The angel, with her white-blonde hair and eyes he’d swear were violet, hadn’t stopped glaring at him. Then she spoke.

“Wait a second. You’re that Hugh?  The journalist from the Akron newspaper?”

Of course she knew who he was. The article he’d written about Blossom had been circulated far and wide. But the angel wasn’t a local. He’d met nearly everyone in town last summer when he wrote the article. Not this woman. She was stunning, if bizarrely dressed in a combat coat that must have pulled duty in WWII. She was the kind of long-legged beauty whose thighs could put a man in a hip-hugging lock sure to send him into bliss.

You need to give your gonads a rest, remember?

“Hugh Shaeffer.” He stuck out his hand, which she ignored. “I’m sorry about taking the apartment.”

“You’re not sorry. You look pleased, asshole.”

“Nice mouth.” Nice lips, actually—her language he could do without.

“Glad you like it.” She turned back to Delia, who was snapping her gum and watching their verbal tussle. “He can’t have the apartment. It’s mine.”

He turned to Finney and launched into a smooth series of lies. “Listen, I promised my editor I’d stay in Liberty until the feature’s written. I’m doing a nice follow-up on Blossom.”

Finney planted her hands on her hips. “Whatever you need, Hugh. Mary has no use for the apartment. She moved in with Anthony right before they left for their honeymoon.”

“Honeymoon . . . Mary and Anthony?” If Anthony was AWOL, Hugh couldn’t grill him about the websites until he returned. “When did they get married?”

“Last Sunday. Damn if we all weren’t surprised.”

“Where’s Blossom?”

“Meade is staying with her at the house. I don’t think you’ve met Meade.” Finney grunted. “She’s a real piece of work, all pomp and circumstance. The queen of cosmetics—she owns a company in Beachwood. I’m hoping Blossom will torture her and hide the evidence. I love that child.”

Hugh barely heard the comment. The commando angel was digging bills out of her pocket in an attractive and growing state of agitation. “I’m taking the apartment,” she announced, sorting the cash. “Delia, let me give you the rent.”

Which was when Hugh realized she wasn’t carrying a purse. He’d never before seen a woman without her everyday gear—a purse slung over her shoulder or a bag so large it could hold his golf clubs. And there was something else, something about her that put his inner antenna on alert. He got the sudden premonition, the one that always started his thoughts whirling. There’s a story here.

While he tried to get a handle on what had sent up his antennae, Delia approached the cook. “Finney, she was here first. This isn’t right.”

The angel hopped off her barstool. “Not right at all!” She softened her tone as she cornered Finney. “Here’s my rent—and an extra fifty dollars. No. Make it a hundred.” She thrust the wad of bills into the cook’s eager fist.

Hugh began perspiring when Finney stared at the money in a sort of rapture. Hell, if they got into a bidding war, he’d be broke when he did move in upstairs.

“I’ll pay two hundred over the asking price,” he said.

“Then I’ll pay three hundred.”

Finney whistled. “Oh, my. Now I’m in a real quandary.”

Delia tugged on her sleeve. “Uh, Finney . . . ”

“Not now! I’m working through my quandary.”

The waitress tugged harder. “We’ve been running the ‘Help Wanted’ ad for three weeks now, haven’t we? The only applicants have been teenagers. You’ve turned them all away.” She winked at the flustered commando. “Her references are good as gold. She’s an old friend of the family. I’ve known her forever.”

The cook ran her fingers through her brassy blonde hair. “It’s true I can’t afford another hormonal teenager. All they do is break dishes and flirt with the customers.” Finney sized up the angel. “I suppose you’re old enough to be responsible, miss. I’ll let you share the apartment with Hugh if you promise there’ll be no misbehaving . . . and if you’ll wait tables.”

Hugh shouldered his way between the cook and Delia. “Hold on. I didn’t agree to share the apartment.” Until he was reinstated at the Akron Register, he was done with women. The commando angel was beautiful and hostile, a perverse combination sure to test his self control. “You can’t do this. I need the apartment.”

“And I have a business to run. I need a waitress to help Delia and that fool Ethel Lynn.” Finney planted her hands on her hips and regarded the woman. “Well, miss? Do we have a deal?”

The angel shrank back as if she’d seen a rat scuttle past. “You mean I’d be waiting on people. Taking orders and stuff?”

Delia nodded eagerly. “We could sure use the help.”

Hugh almost pitied her when she opened her mouth then closed it again. Finney, who also seemed to sense her distress, said, “We’ve been shorthanded for months. And Hugh’s a big reporter so he gets first dibs on the apartment. He made our town famous, didn’t he? Now, I can make him share the place with you. It’s unorthodox, but seeing the two of you don’t particularly get along I’m sure there won’t be any shenanigans. Even so, if you can’t wait tables you’ll have to find somewhere else to stay.”

The woman chewed on her lower lip. “I guess I can help you out,” she finally said.

“How many hours a week do you want?”

“How many do I have to take? I don’t have to work full-time, do I?”

Delia plunked her elbows on the counter. “Not if you don’t want to! Part-time is great.”

After they discussed hours, Finney returned to the kitchen with a load of cash—inspired by her negotiating skills, she’d hit up Hugh too. She was whistling off-key as the door swung shut behind her, leaving an uneasy silence in her wake.

Delia poured coffee and Hugh murmured his thanks. The angel glared at him with enough ire to melt sand into glass. Her fury was amusing—and damn enjoyable. Worming your way into a woman’s good graces was an interesting challenge when she wanted you dead. Maybe he’d luck out and get some angry sex before she unpacked the kitchen knives.

Basking in her growing hatred, he slid onto the barstool next to hers. “Since we’re stuck together, what’s your name?” he said, thrilled when her gorgeous eyes flashed a deepening violet. If he brought her to full rage she’d probably resemble Helen of Troy. “We don’t have to split the rent fifty-fifty. I’ll talk Finney into giving some of your money back. I’ll pay sixty percent, you’ll pay forty.”

She gave him a look that implied she was thinking about knocking him off his barstool. Then she surprised him by saying, “Let’s try this—seventy-thirty. You’re a hotshot reporter. You probably earn six figures. I’m a part-time waitress who only makes—” Digging into her breakfast, she looked at Delia. “What’s my hourly wage?”

The waitress told her in a quick, grateful voice. Nodding with satisfaction, she threw her attention back on Hugh.

There was a whole forest fire in those violet eyes, the sort of feminine hostility a man could wrap around himself like a warm blanket of succor. Hello, Helen.

He dragged his attention back to his coffee. You’ve sworn off women, remember?

Then his trusty antenna went back on alert. He immediately understood why. The angel, still nameless, couldn’t keep her eyes from straying to the walls of the restaurant. A reporter’s inbred curiosity shivered through his veins.

She was searching for something.

* * *

“Blossom! What did you do to my dog?”

Flinging off the blankets, Meade Williams stormed to the door and yanked it open in the hopes of finding her quarry on the other side. In the corner of the guest bedroom her miniature poodle, Melbourne, yipped wildly.

The red plaid bows behind his ears were gone, no doubt snatched by the devilish thirteen-year-old she’d agreed to patrol for several days. Worse still, a gooey substance dripped from his toothpick-sized legs. Beneath the goo, his white fur was covered in an art fiend’s metallic . . . sparkles. And Blossom Perini was nowhere to be seen.

Mad with rage, Meade scooped up Melbourne and stalked down the second floor hallway of the Perini house. Why, why, why had she agreed to watch Blossom while the kid’s father and new stepmother were on their honeymoon?

Not long ago she’d wanted Blossom’s father, Anthony, for herself. She’d foolishly underestimated what it would be like to raise his daughter in the bargain, especially after the media coverage launched Blossom’s story onto the national news. The teen’s successful battle against cancer was heartwarming, to be sure, but no one who knew her personally would describe her as a saint. Of course, folks across America thought Blossom deserved a halo—as did Dr. Mary Chance, Liberty’s only town doctor and the unlikely owner of The Second Chance Grill. Mary connected with the girl in a way no one else did. Perhaps she even enjoyed the more devilish aspects of Blossom’s personality.

Meade flew down the stairwell with Melbourne bouncing beneath her arm and yipping all the way. It was truly unbelievable how she and Mary had gone from being rivals for Anthony to the best of friends. On second thought, maybe it wasn’t surprising. They were two professional women who had discovered a mutual love of tennis and a nearly frenzied devotion to Royal Doulton china. They’d been on a shopping expedition in search of porcelain figurines to add to their respective collections when Mary made the request: watch Blossom during the honeymoon.

Meade stormed into the kitchen. She should have said no.

At the stove, Blossom serenely flipped pancakes. By the back door her golden retriever, Sweetcakes, sat at attention. The rotten dog sized up Melbourne then ran her tongue across her snout.

“Oh, no you don’t, Sweetcakes.” Meade opened the door to shoo the dog out. “If you frighten my baby he’ll piddle all over the floor.”

Blossom gave an elaborate sigh. “Your dog doesn’t piddle—he’s marking his territory. Only this isn’t his territory. You should have his thingies removed.”

“I’ll do nothing of the sort.” Meade spun around to face the teen. “You’re in hot water, young lady. Why do you keep terrorizing me? And what did you put on Melbourne?”

Shrugging, the girl flipped another pancake. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’ve had it—”

“Seriously, Meade. Chill. Want some coffee?”

The aroma wafting from the sweetly percolating pot was enticing. “Did you lace it with arsenic?”

Blossom slid a stack of pancakes onto a plate. “What’s arsenic?”

The kid knows how to Google. Don’t give her any ideas. “Never mind.” She sat and lowered Melbourne to the ground. He trotted toward his food bowl shedding sparkles in a happy trail. “You’re giving my dog a bath after we finish breakfast. Are you listening? You need to be punished.”

“I get to bathe the gerbil?” Grinning, Blossom set the pancakes before Meade. “No problem, muchacha. I’ll take care of your dog.”

“Forget it. I’ll bathe him.”

“No, really, I’d like to.”

“Cut the crap. You’d like to feed him to Sweetcakes.”

“Okay—you got me.” Blossom set a cup of coffee before her. “Drink. Grownups never make sense until they’ve been dosed with caffeine.”

Meade grudgingly brought the cup to her lips. Heavenly. How did a thirteen year old make coffee so divine? But then, Blossom Perini was full of surprises. She’d managed to beat leukemia, hadn’t she? Looking at the girl’s corkscrew curls and rosy cheeks, it was hard to imagine she’d ever been ill. Yet she’d nearly died of leukemia before the bone marrow transplant saved her life. And that was the real miracle, wasn’t it? Blossom’s new stepmother, the valiant Dr. Mary Chance, had only been in town for a few months when she found out about the girl’s struggles. When it became clear there wasn’t money enough to pay for the bone marrow transplant, Mary placed all of the antiques in The Second Chance Grill on the auction block. The restaurant, which first opened in the mid-1800s, was the city’s oldest historical treasure and much of the furniture, artwork and other decorations were worth thousands. People arrived from all over Ohio to put in bids.

Everything sold quickly, only to be returned once word got out as to why Mary was raising the money. Then the story exploded on the Internet. Websites sprang up, donations flowed in, and Blossom was soon on her way to recovery.

The phone rang, pulling Meade from her musings. Blossom sprinted across the kitchen. She exchanged pleasantries with the caller then handed over the receiver. “For you.”

Not a call from a client, surely. Business colleagues wishing to reach her cosmetics importing company knew to call the office in Beachwood. Worry clenched her stomach. She’d only given the Perinis’ number to one person.

Rising, she moved from the table for privacy. “Dad? What’s wrong?”

For several minutes, she listened to his latest tale of woe. She’d hired a gardener to winterize the landscape surrounding her father’s estate, a move that had seemed sensible—until now. “Dad, the gardener isn’t peering in the windows. You’re being paranoid.” The anxiety in her voice brought Blossom near. “Yes, I’m sure the gardener isn’t spying on you . . .”

Ten minutes and much cajoling later, she finally hung up. Unsettled, she set her plate in the sink. There wasn’t time this morning to drive out to the estate. She had to get Blossom off to school and leave for work.

From behind, Blossom asked, “Is everything okay? You look sad all of a sudden.”

Her voice held sudden compassion, and Meade managed a smile.  “I’m fine,” she lied.

“What’s wrong with your dad?”

“Nothing.” Another lie, but there wasn’t an easy way to describe chronic depression to a child. “He likes to worry.”

“Can’t your mom calm him down?”

“My mother died a long time ago.”

“It’s tough to be without a mom. Even for someone as old as you.”

Meade crossed her arms. “I’m forty-one—not exactly ancient.”

“Yeah, but it’s hard anyway.”

The girl’s voice wavered, and guilt washed through Meade. It was common knowledge that Blossom’s mother had run off when she was a toddler. Which might explain why the kid got into so much trouble. Not that Meade wanted to find patches of Melbourne’s fur on Sweetcakes’ snout, but still.

She flicked Blossom’s chin. When the girl brightened, she said, “Can we call a truce until your dad and Mary get back from their honeymoon? I’ll stop making comments about your table manners if you’ll take my dog off death row.”

“Can I think about it? I’ve been working on the other tricks up my sleeve.” Then Blossom surprised her when she added, “But hey, if you need to talk, I’ll listen. I know what it’s like to worry about a parent. Before Mary snuck into my dad’s heart, I worried about him all the time.”

Sorrow engulfed her. Mental illness wasn’t simple, and it encompassed more than worry. Guilt, for one. A feeling of helplessness. And loss—certainly loss, of the man who’d once fathered her with gentle grace and rapt attention.

“Blossom, my situation is different.” It was the most simple explanation she could muster. “My dad has . . . problems.”

Concern puckered Blossom’s brows. “He sounded confused on the phone. He must be pretty old, right?” She slipped her hand beneath the curly mass of her hair and tapped her temple with charming concern. “Is it his head?”

More like his heart, but there was no way to explain. “He’s not senile, if that’s what you mean.”

She stared at the girl who liked to torment her, a teenager who suddenly looked older, more compassionate. Then Meade’s vision began to blur and anguish filled her soul.

She looked out over the years and saw the lake. How she’d stood on the pier with desperation churning her blood and her throat hoarse from arguing. The waters were frighteningly calm beneath a sky thick with clouds. The wind rose up. The air pressure sucked the wind into a fulcrum and Meade, with a mariner’s eye, looked north. Canada lay on the other side of this, the shallowest of the five Great Lakes. The waters of Lake Erie were warm, too warm, and autumn’s first blast was barreling down from the north.

Please don’t go out on the lake. There’s a small craft advisory, a storm coming.

But her mother wouldn’t listen. Cat pressed the envelope into Meade’s palm, the photographs that held proof of their ruined lives, and climbed into the skiff. Two boxes lay astern. No doubt Cat, always dramatic, planned to dump their contents into the waters. It never oc

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JUMP

by Stephen R. Stober

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Text-to-Speech: Enabled
Here’s the set-up:

Jeremy Roberts is suddenly a stranger in his own body with no memory of his life. When he discovers he’s entangled in an unsolved tragedy, he must mount a high-stakes investigation to rescue someone he can’t remember.

Jeremy Roberts’ life is reset one morning in Boston’s Quincy Market when an inexplicable event leaves him a stranger in his own body. He quickly relearns his name and his place in the world, but can’t explain the heavy feeling of grief that pervades every moment of his day.

Hiding his complete lack of memory about his life, he sets to work finding the source of his emotional anguish. Uncovering files from his own computer, he learns that a terrible tragedy has befallen his family and its mystery remains unsolved.

Calling on a crack private investigator and a computer security expert, Jeremy delves deep into the case. After piecing together a startling theory, he plunges into a daring plan to rescue a woman he can’t remember… before it is too late.

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an excerpt from

Jump

by Stephen R. Stober

 

Copyright © 2014 by Stephen R. Stober and published here with his permission
I do not know who I am;
I do not know what I am.

Chapter 1 – Jeremy

    This time it happened without much warning. I had to jump quickly in Quincy Market, at a shoe store. The switch was much faster than usual. I didn’t have much time to choose.

    It’s been about a minute since the transition. I feel dizzy and a little off balance as I stand among shoppers who are focused on a man lying on the floor. Damian Murdoch had lost consciousness and collapsed. His wife, Carrie, is frantic and screaming for someone to call 9-1-1. There’s chaos in the store.

I feel something in my back pocket; it must be a wallet. The distraction gives me time to quickly take it out and look through its contents. There’s a Massachusetts driver’s license in Jeremy Roberts’ name with a home address shown as Heath Street in Brookline. There are some credit cards, cash, a few business cards, and an emergency contact card with a name, Jennifer Roberts, her phone number, and an e-mail address containing the name Jen.

The ambulance arrives in minutes, followed by the police. The woman standing beside me must be Jennifer, or maybe she calls herself Jen. Before the switch, she and Jeremy were talking to each other in a way that couples do in stores. I had sensed a profound grief within them.

The paramedics ask for everyone to clear the area as they tend to Damian. As he starts to come to, he mumbles something to Carrie, who is bending over beside him, crying. I had loved Carrie deeply. Damian will be okay.

Jennifer whispers to me, “Come on, let’s go home.”

I hesitate. I don’t want to leave Carrie. I won’t see her again. Jennifer takes my numb hand and starts to lead me away. I stumble, almost falling to the floor as I experience initial coordination problems. Jennifer tries to grab me as my hand slips from hers. She calls out my name with a gasp. I regain my balance and reach for her hand.

“What’s the matter?” she asks.

“I’m not sure, I feel a little dizzy.” In actual fact, much of my body has no feeling. As usual, for the first few moments of a transition, the neural messages being exchanged between my body and brain are not fully engaged.

“Do you want to sit down for a bit?”

“No, it’s ok, I don’t think it’s anything, Jen. Maybe that guy falling to the floor got me a little woozy.” Hopefully, she is Jennifer.

“Why are you calling me Jen?”  She seems surprised.

I have nothing. I often have nothing at the beginning. I’ve learned that silence gets filled with information. Silence is powerful. Moments pass. Jennifer gives me more information.

“You haven’t called me Jen for years. What’s with you?” It is her.

I remain silent. Jennifer continues. “Are you okay? Do you think another migraine’s coming on?”

The opportunity. “Yes.”

“I better drive home,” she says firmly.

I’m relieved. At this point, I wouldn’t know where to go. She puts her arm around my waist, trying to give me support as we start to slowly walk out of the store. With each step, the neural pathways are connecting and I’m beginning to feel sensations in my limbs.

“I think I’m okay now,” I say as we reach the street. I concentrate on each step as I awkwardly place one foot in front of the other, trying to keep my balance.

I take her arm from my waist and hang on to her hand as she walks slightly ahead of me. As she proceeds, she looks back at me struggling to walk in a straight line.

“Jeremy, what’s wrong? You look drunk!”

“I’m just a little woozy. Let me sit down for a bit.”

We go to the curb where I sit. As the moments pass, I can feel sensations growing throughout my body. A few more minutes and it will be complete.

“The paramedics are still in the store. Do you want them to have a look at you?”

“No, I’m sure I’ll be all right in a minute or so. It’s probably just this migraine thing coming on. Let’s give it a couple of minutes. If I’m still dizzy, we’ll go see them.”

My new voice is deeper than Damian’s. It sounds odd as I talk. I clear my throat to hear the sound again.

After a couple of minutes, I feel complete and stand up. “I’m alright, let’s go to the car.”

Jennifer leads the way. I study her as she walks ahead. She’s a beautiful woman, five feet seven or so, high cheekbones, straight black hair formed into a ponytail threaded through the back of a pink Nike ball cap. Her aqua blue eyes, tanned skin, blue denim shorts, pink tank top, and immaculate white sneakers with the pink swoosh is a look that you’d see on a Nike commercial. She must be in her early forties, a very feminine woman in perfect shape.

I watch her every move and take in all of the cues that she’s unknowingly sending as she walks. To me, these signals are giant billboards indicating intention, feeling, and even thought. The way someone walks, how they move their feet, swing their arms, position their head, and even move their eyes can clearly reveal their level of comfort or stress, confidence, and their emotional state. My success has depended on my ability to read these nonverbal cues.

At first glance, Jennifer seems to walk like a confident woman. However, with a closer look, I can detect that she’s unsettled. Her overall posture, expressions, hesitations, and the way she touches her hair, suggest that something emotionally significant is happening within her. Is it related to the grief feelings I felt in both her and Jeremy before the transition?

Jennifer walks toward a white Mercedes SL, presses one of the keys, and the trunk lid pops open. She places the Nine West bag inside and closes the trunk. With another press of the key, the doors unlock. As I struggle to coordinate my limbs to get into the passenger seat, she asks, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, my back’s a little stiff, that’s all.”

“Can I put the top down?”

I nod. She presses a button and the trunk cover whirs to attention, gradually lifting open. The roof begins its folding dance and gently places itself into the front part of the trunk. The cover silently closes with no hint that the entire metal roof is hidden within. I watch as Jennifer adjusts the mirrors and seat. In one smooth movement, she belts herself in and starts the car with the push of a button. Her hands are beautifully manicured—clear polish on firm nails. She moves the car confidently away from the curb, narrowly missing the bumper of the Honda in front of us.

As she drives away, she says, “That poor man. I wonder whether he had a heart attack. Why didn’t anyone give him CPR?”

“I think I saw him breathing; it didn’t look like he needed CPR.” I knew exactly what had happened. “I’m sure he’ll be okay.”

“How can you say that? It could have been a stroke!”

I respond with a shrug.

“It’s interesting that it took no time for the police to arrive. I wish she had gotten such quick attention,” Jennifer says with a sarcastic tone.

Not sure what she means by that. I stay silent.

I close my eyes and place my hand on my forehead, feigning a migraine as Jennifer drives us home. I take this time to think about my new life. What lies before me? How quickly will I figure out my objective? Do Jennifer and Jeremy love each other? Do they have children? What’s the nature of the grief that I had felt within them? These are all pieces of the puzzle that I will have to figure out to help them navigate through their despair.

***

I do not know my name; I do not know how old I am. I have memories of thousands of people from countries and cultures around the world, but I can’t remember anything about me. As I often do at the beginning of a transition, I start asking the questions that I can never answer. How did all of this start? Who am I? Where is home? Where is my family? Do I even have a family? It’s all a puzzle and I am no closer to the answer than I ever was.

The one thing I do know is that today, and for some time to come, I am Jeremy Roberts. This morning, the tingling in my hands was the sign that the process was beginning. As always, I was not sure when or where it would occur, but I knew I had to act quickly. I needed to get to a busy place with many people. I asked Carrie if she wanted to go with me to the market.

For some reason, this time I felt that I wouldn’t have much control over timing. As soon as we arrived, it began. Carrie wanted to go to the shoe store. I followed her in. As she was paying for her sandals, the tingling—which feels like a very mild electrical shock that starts in my hands—encompassed my entire body. It can happen very quickly.

During a transition, for a brief period of time, I feel compassion for everyone physically near me. The feeling takes over my mind and body as if I’m in a thousand places at the same time. This morning I could clearly hear all the noise, conversations, and even whispers around me. I could see everything in my surroundings and smell the scents of Quincy Market: the food, perfume, body odor, garbage, Boston harbor, and even the rotting spills on the sidewalk. I took it all in.

I sensed all of the emotion—all of the pain, happiness, frustration, and sadness—within the people at the market on this Saturday morning in June. My transitions last for seconds only, yet it always seems much longer to me. It ends when I land. Jeremy and Jennifer were nearby. I felt a deep sense of sorrow and grief within them. I had to make a decision. I targeted Jeremy because of his anguish. It had to be him.

Then it happened. I jumped from Damian to Jeremy.

The sunlight strobes through the trees as Jennifer drives up Huntington Avenue. Billowing cotton clouds form in the summer’s blue sky. It’s a beautiful day for the beginning of this new life experience. Jennifer’s cell phone rings. She picks it up to her ear.

“Hi, sweetie. Hold on for a sec. Let me put in my earpiece.”

She puts in the Bluetooth ear bud and continues the conversation. “Where are you? Is Jeff with you? Are you coming home for dinner?”

It sounds like she’s talking to one of her children. As she continues the conversation, I discreetly reach for Jeremy’s wallet. I look through the contents once again, searching for more clues. I find his business card—Roberts & Levin Consulting Company, Jeremy Roberts, CPA, President—with phone number, address, e-mail and website. Jeremy is an accountant.

As I look through the wallet, I notice my hands—Jeremy’s hands. It’s strange when first looking at my hands in a new host. They always look and feel odd at the beginning. I can sense them as if they’re mine, but they look like someone else’s. They’re larger, a little rougher, and seem older than Damian’s. As I stare at them, I’m having difficulty controlling their movements while going through the contents of the wallet. Manipulating the papers and cards is awkward. If I look away and allow my hands to feel through the wallet, my dexterity returns. It will take me some time to coordinate what I see and how I feel in this new body.

I take out a photo from the inside pocket of the wallet; a frayed, worn picture of four people sitting on a sofa next to a Christmas tree. It looks like a younger Jennifer and Jeremy with two children. I put down the sun visor and look into the mirror. It feels like someone is looking at me but it’s my image being reflected back. Jeremy’s piercing blue eyes are staring at me. Even now, after so many transitions, it still feels unreal to look at a new ‘me’ in a mirror. I put back the visor.

I focus on that family photo again. The two little girls are maybe ages eight and ten. I assume they are Jeremy and Jennifer’s daughters. There are two other pictures in the wallet, one of a girl in her early twenties, wearing a cap and gown. She looks very much like a grown-up version of the younger girl in the family photo. She’s very pretty, with blonde hair and a huge smile. She looks so proud.

The other picture is of another young woman, perhaps in her mid-twenties, dark hair, standing in front of what looks like Niagara Falls. There’s some resemblance to the older child in the Christmas family picture. She looks remarkably like Jennifer and quite beautiful as well. On the back, there’s some writing: I love you, Daddy. Thanks for all of your help. – Jessie.

Jennifer continues her conversation as I pretend to organize the wallet. I listen carefully to her words. There’s some tension in how she’s speaking. Her intonations, mannerisms, and how her thumb plays with her wedding band confirms that she’s talking to one of her children; one of the girls in the pictures?

I take a chance. “Is that Jessie?”

She glances over at me with a surprised look and narrowed eyes that seem to be screaming. “It’s Sandy, Sandy, for God’s sake!”

Now that was a mistake. I should have known better. All these years have taught me to wait and take in much more information before offering anything other than a neutral statement. Something is terribly wrong. Why such a negative response? I look away from Jennifer, but listen intently over the noise of the wind blowing through my hair.

Jennifer lowers her voice and says, “He asked if you were Jessie. Can you believe it? I know, I know, but still…”

Jennifer stops talking about me while continuing the conversation. It’s hard to hear, but I think they’re talking about plans for the weekend—shopping and various topics. She’s not offering me any more clues.

Through my closed eyes, the bright pulsating sun creates flashes of light, and abstract images race through my mind. I think of Carrie. I didn’t know it at the time, but last night would be our last time together. It was late, maybe one in the morning. We were in bed talking, sipping wine, and listening to an Al Jerreau CD. After making love, we were still locked onto each other, our legs intertwined. With her head on my chest, Carrie looked into my eyes and whispered, “I have never loved you more.” We kissed and fell asleep.

I will miss her dearly. A wave of heavy sadness and apprehension washes over me as I find myself awkwardly sitting next to this new stranger, Jennifer, in the body of her husband Jeremy, whom I know nothing about.

After Jennifer finishes her conversation with Sandy, she turns to me and says, “What the hell were you thinking?”

I don’t respond. I wait for more information. None comes forth. We are quiet for the rest of the drive to the house. I hold my hand to my head, hoping that my error will be perceived as a result of my supposed migraine. I feel tension with Jennifer. I don’t know enough yet to begin any conversation with her.

***

        I do not have Jeremy’s memories or his expectations, worries, realities, dreams, or ambitions. I do not know any of the people in his life, their history, or their connection to him. I know nothing about his work or his finances.

For now though, I am him. I will be living in his world for some time. Although my life as Jeremy is now an empty canvas, his family, friends, and colleagues will soon paint it with colorful and intricate images. Their conversations, nonverbal cues, and even their touch will reveal their expectations of me. And from that, I will learn much about him.

I will have to learn all about his world quickly. Jennifer’s interaction with me is already giving me clues and is kick-starting my quest for information. When I arrive at their home, there will be a wealth of information about Jeremy and Jennifer’s lives that I will gather from their files, computers, and other clues that I will discover.

It will be my starting point towards understanding his life, and discovering my objective.

Chapter 2 – Home

Jennifer drives down Heath Street, in a beautifully area that contrasts with the high-density neighborhoods that we drove through from Boston. We pass entrances to large estates and barely visible mansions in this wealthy enclave. We turn onto a long driveway of a contemporary home set back from the street. Perfectly placed old oak trees line the crushed-stone drive. Curiously, there is a yellow ribbon on the first oak tree. I look at it as we go by.

The driveway splits into a circular turnaround passing in front of the entrance. A sculpture of a child with water cascading over a protecting umbrella is at the center of a well-manicured lawn. The fountain creates relaxing white noise as we approach. We stop at the parking area on the left side of the entrance. Jennifer parks next to a black Lexus.

I look at the construction of the stone and brick building and presume it has replaced an older structure. The mature oaks give away the property’s history. The new building seems to have been erected in the footprint of the old home. It fits the setting perfectly.

As we get out of the car, Jennifer coolly says, “I want to finish the conversation that we started this morning.” She seems emotionless and dry, like she’s reading the news.

“Sure, but I’d like to lie down for a few minutes first.” I’m hoping to buy some time to look around the house.

“Remember to take your Maxalt, I’ll meet you on the patio in a half hour. We’ll have a light lunch before my appointments this afternoon.” I nod.

We enter through the large oak double front door, which opens onto an impressive foyer. I quickly glance around to get my bearings. Light-colored birch floors lead to a majestic staircase just ahead on the left. I take in all of the images and create a mental map of the home. A central floor plan—living room to the left, dining room to the right, the kitchen must be just off to the right, behind the dining room. I can see a den just ahead beyond the staircase. There must be a study or library to the left of the den. The house is eight to ten thousand square feet, vintage 1990s, high-end.

There are probably five bedrooms upstairs with a large master bedroom overlooking the backyard. If there’s a bedroom for each of Jeremy and Jennifer’s two daughters, I suspect that one of the remaining rooms will be an office. Hopefully that’s where I’ll find the family’s files. If not, they’ll be in the master bedroom, in the study next to the den downstairs, or possibly in the basement. Files are key. I have to find them to learn more about my new life.

The house is immaculate, and understated yet elegant. A Latina woman greets us.

“Good morning, Señor Roberts.”

“Morning,” I respond, then wait to take my cue from Jennifer.

Jennifer asks, “Carmella, could you please make us a salad with a scoop of tuna?”

“Si,” Carmella responds.

I look at Jennifer. “I’m going to lie down upstairs. See you in a half hour.”

She walks off toward the kitchen with no response. She isn’t happy. I suspect that the upcoming conversation will reveal what’s bothering her. I hope that I’m able to find something during my preliminary search to help me through that discussion.

I walk upstairs and instinctively know where I’m going. I enter the large master bedroom to the right of the stairs. It’s painted a muted green with a dark blue accent wall that’s a backdrop to the king-size four-poster bed. It’s a very large room, and it too is immaculate.

There are night tables on either side of the bed, a large plasma TV on the opposite wall, and a matching lounge chair and sofa in the corner of the room, positioned to view the TV. A large blue-green modern art painting hangs above the bed. I walk through the glass doorway to the master en suite. The ultra-modern bathroom leads to a balcony overlooking a large backyard, which has a pool and tennis court. I can see the balcony stretching along the back of the house.

I leave the bathroom and go back into the bedroom. An open door between the TV and bathroom leads me to a huge wardrobe room, which I suspect was a converted bedroom. The back wall has floor-to-ceiling sliding glass doors leading out to the back balcony. The room is painted to match the bedroom and consists of built-in closet doors that are tinted in the same colors as the corresponding walls but in a high-gloss finish. The doors respond to a slight push of the finger. They open smoothly and silently, as if by remote control.

I push one of the green doors and it reveals drawers of women’s underwear, hosiery, and scarves. As I search for documents, I open and close all of the closet doors, which conceal many drawers, hanging clothes, and cupboards. There must be fifteen green closet doors. There are fewer doors in the blue area, and they open to reveal men’s clothes—Jeremy’s clothes.

There’s a makeup area in the corner of the room, complete with a large white desk, upholstered chair, and a mirror framed by round white light bulbs, Hollywood style. A set of stand-up mirrors next to the desk are set at oblique angles to view all sides of one’s body, similar to what you would find in a clothing store.

Positioning myself in front of the stand-up mirrors, I take a long look at my new image and study my features. Jeremy is about six feet tall and fit—a good-looking man with a solid jaw, and a full head of light brown hair that is graying at the temples, combed slightly off to the side, with a part. His looks remind me of President Kennedy. I touch my face and hair. I smile, stretching my lips to see this new image respond. Like always, it feels awkward at the beginning.

I move an arm and reposition my body. I watch the image in the mirror move. It looks like someone else in the mirror is copying me. Eventually I will see me in the mirror, but now I’m seeing a stranger. Right now, I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience—which, of course, is exactly what’s happening. It will take time for me to feel one with my new body.

I turn away from the mirror and move on.

I go back to the closets and open more doors, looking for files, notebooks, papers, or anything that I can use for information. I find nothing, but that doesn’t surprise me. Jennifer and Jeremy’s home is obsessively neat. Everything seems to have its place, and this room is clearly designated wardrobe only.

I leave the dressing room through a door that leads me back to the hallway. A quick glance around reveals a bedroom next to the dressing room. Across the hall, there appears to be two more rooms on either side of a bathroom.

I enter the bedroom next door, which is obviously a girl’s room, painted in pink with purple linens. There’s an adjoining bathroom, which, like the bedroom, is very messy. Sliding glass doors on the far wall also open onto that long connecting balcony. I scan the contents of the room, taking in as much as I can. I see a B.A. diploma from Boston University in the name of Sandy Roberts, hanging on a wall. There are a few unopened letters on the desk addressed to Sandy. Pictures of friends are randomly scattered on the walls.

At the top and stretching along the length of one wall, there’s a red Boston University banner that reads, “Go BU!” There’s also a single large photo just over the bed. It’s the same image that I have in my wallet of Jessie in front of the falls. A large yellow ribbon is taped to the window.

I leave Sandy’s room and cross the hall to one of the rooms on either side of the bathroom. The yellow room is immaculate, as if no one sleeps there. The queen bed is covered with a green patterned comforter and loaded with neatly placed colorful pillows and stuffed animals. Awards and diplomas in Jessie Roberts’s name are on the walls of the bedroom. A Cornell University banner with large lettering saying, “Go BIG!” is hanging along the top of one wall, just like the banner in Sandy’s room. I smile. There must be quite a school competition between the girls.

There are pictures of high school and college kids perfectly aligned on the walls, as well as many pictures of dogs and cats. There’s a large National Geographic poster of a male lion hanging over the bed. It is sitting under a tree on a grassy area, with its large, beautiful green eyes staring into the camera, as if posing.

There are two long shelves mounted on the wall between the entrance and the bathroom door. Each shelf is dedicated to a different sport. On the top shelf are ten or fifteen trophies of different sizes with little metal images of people in karate positions. Most say first place, and a few say second. Just below that shelf are two certificates in Jessie’s name: Karate Black Belt, First Dan and Karate Black Belt, Second Dan. The second shelf is full of similar trophies for fencing. Pictures under that shelf show someone, I presume Jessie, in various fencing positions, wearing a protective helmet with a full-face screen cover.

I feel odd in this room; something’s just not right. I experience a deep sense of sadness. I look around and can’t get a handle on what’s causing my unease. I leave the room feeling quite uncomfortable. I know I will soon find out why.

As I had expected, the room on the other side of the bathroom is an office. It’s very neat. There’s a large mahogany desk with two drawers on either side of a leather chair. A silver MacBook laptop computer is sitting in the center of the desk. A notebook-sized calendar is lying just to the right of the laptop. The only other items on the desk are a green glass and bronze banker’s light and a wireless phone in its dock. I open the drawers of the desk. They are neat and contain some pens, paper clips, and odds and ends; nothing of significance.

There’s a comfortable reading area in the corner of the room, with a leather armchair and a brass stand-up reading light. Modern artwork adorns the grey wall behind the desk, as does a CPA certificate. Jeremy’s degree in economics, from Boston University, issued in 1984, and his MBA degree from Columbia Business School, 1987, are hanging on the opposite wall. Beside them, there’s an award of recognition in Jeremy’s name, dated 2009, issued by the Big Brothers and Sisters of Massachusetts, acknowledging Jeremy’s “hard work and dedication” to the organization.

As I open the closet, I hear Jennifer calling me. “Jeremy, did you take your Maxalt yet?”

“No,” I call down. “Just about to.”

No response.

I see a large four-drawer file cabinet in the closet and a standing safe on the floor—a treasure trove of information. I open the top drawer of the file cabinet and take out the first file. They’re all alphabetized. Automobile Association of America is the first one. I scan its contents, and, within seconds, it’s memorized.

***

Over the years, I have jumped thousands of times and explored the minds of people from all over the world. I’m continually astonished at the distinctive nature of an individual brain, which is as unique as a fingerprint. I have come to understand that our sensations, experiences, and thoughts are unique to each individual. The perception of color for instance, is a subjective experience, different from one person to the next. The color of red does not look the same to everyone. Although we associate a particular visual image as red, the actual sensation of red that we experience is uniquely different for each person.

Our sensation of smell is also subjective. The smell of a rose can be very sweet to one but less sweet or even pungent to another. The perception of the sound of music can be so dissimilar between people, that when I’ve heard the same song in the minds of more than one person, the song can sound completely different. I can identify the song by its melody, words, and beat, but the actual sensation that it creates in my mind is entirely unique to the brain of my host.

This diversity of neural processing may explain why people are so different in terms of their approach to the world. What is beautiful and emotional to one may not create the same impact to another. These differences may explain why some people are artistic while others are athletic, why some can learn languages easily while others cannot.

Mind jumping has given me a gift. I am able to use my experience dealing with the diverse brain patterns and neurological processing that I have experienced to create an optimum way of using my host’s brain.

Examples of this are the encyclopedic and photographic memory capabilities that I have developed over the years. My encyclopedic memory allows me to remember every detail and image that I have ever seen or experienced. My photographic memory enables me to scan and store images holistically, and only when I want to see the details of an image, are those details processed by my brain. It’s my version of data compression. It’s like looking at a downtown street scene, taking a snapshot of it in my mind, and then, at a later time, bringing up that image to look for the smallest details.

I can scan documents extraordinarily fast—many times faster than an electronic scanner. I’m able to take in and process information on a written page at a glance, and when I quickly scroll down a website on a computer, I can take in all of the information instantly in real time, without pausing. I’m able to cross-reference information from my scans immediately. These abilities enable me to quickly absorb details of my host’s life and ultimately help me achieve my objective.

***

Over the next five minutes I scan the first file cabinet drawer—files A through F—thoroughly. As I usually do after a scan, I sit down silently for the same amount of time to permanently store the information I’ve just viewed into my active memory. During this meditative state, my mind randomly explores and reviews all of the images and data that I’ve scanned. To finish off, I usually start to explore my memory with one bit of data to ensure that I have successfully transferred the images. This time I choose a random date to see where my memories of Jeremy take me.

February 15, 2011. Using information from his American Express Platinum card statements, I can now recall that on that date, Jeremy purchased lunch at Charley’s Crab in Palm Beach, Florida. I cross-reference this information with any file I’ve scanned that refers to that Palm Beach trip.

Connected images from the scan immediately become available. Jeremy flew business class on Delta Flight 2123 from Boston to Palm Beach International at 6:40 AM on February 11, and returned on February 17, leaving PBI at 8:05 AM on Delta Flight 1184. He rented a luxury car from Avis, picking it up on his arrival and returning it to PBI an hour and a half before the scheduled departure.

There are many other charges made during this time period shown on his AMEX statement, including his hotel stay at the Four Seasons Resort in Palm Beach, where he paid $999 a night for a premier ocean-view room. In addition to a number of room service and mini-bar charges, there were two charges for in-room movie rentals. The value of the rentals suggests that one of those movies was X-rated. It looks like Jennifer was with him on this trip, as the airline tickets were in his and her names and the hotel reservation was booked for two people.

I don’t have time to go through the other files. It’s been fifteen or twenty minutes and I have to get down to Jennifer before she finds me in the study rather than lying down taking care of my ‘migraine’. Before I head downstairs, I scan through the calendar on the desk.

Chapter 3 – Discovery

The kitchen is a large, bright room that seems to have been recently upgraded. A sliding door opens onto a patio overlooking the backyard. I can see Jennifer sitting at a table that’s been set up for lunch. She seems to be waiting impatiently.

“Hey there,” I start.

She looks unsettled and asks quickly, “How are you feeling? Did you take your Maxalt?”

“Yes, I feel a little better.”

As she straightens up in her chair she asks angrily, “Why the hell did you ask me if that was Jessie on the phone?”

“I don’t know. It just came out. It must be the migraine.”

She shakes her head slowly, rolling her eyes “What did you mean this morning?”

Not knowing what to say, I probe, “Uh, this morning?”

She squints her eyes. “About your plans for next weekend?”

I quickly think about next weekend’s dates from the calendar on the desk that I scanned and an image comes into memory. There’s an entry that says “Palm Beach” next Friday, June 17. There’s another entry that says “Back from PB” on the following Monday. I don’t know anything more.

“You mean the trip to Palm Beach?”

“Yes!” she blasts with her eyes boring into me.

I touched a nerve. She is clearly unhappy about this trip. I take a chance.

“Do you want me to stay home?”

“Yes, of course I do. You know that!”

With nothing to lose that I know of, I reply, “Okay, I’ll cancel my reservation.”

She seems bewildered. “What? You’d cancel your trip with Vince and Gary just because I asked you?”

“Absolutely. I didn’t think my trip would have such an impact on you. I’m not going to go if it makes you feel like this. Consider it cancelled.”

She looks at me with a confused expression. She’s silent. I can see her cheeks start to flush. I can sense her skin radiating warm energy. The hairs on her arms are standing on end. She’s unsure of my response, yet her body position, eye movements, and energy level suggest that her anger is being replaced with warmth.

She moves her fork randomly through the salad that is before her. She seems to be thinking of what to say. A few moments pass. She breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry that I screamed at you in the car. I just can’t hear her name without reacting.”

I stay quiet.

“What’s gotten into you?” she asks with a sly smile. “Why are you being so damn nice?”

“Um, I’m not sure. The migraine?”

Jennifer responds with a cute wrinkle of her nose and a smile. Her mood has lifted. She seems less burdened. She finishes her lunch and asks if I want to go to the mall with her. I tell her that I had enough shopping at the market this morning and that I’d like to try to rest.

As she leaves, she touches my hand, smiles, and kisses my cheek.

I hear the Mercedes start up and begin to leave, and then the car engine stops. I hear the car door open and shut, and see Jennifer walking back through the kitchen to the patio. She hands me my iPhone. “You left it in the car.”

She waves as she turns around and heads back to the car. I watch her walk back through the kitchen and wonder how our relationship will unfold. What’s the nature of their grief that I felt in Quincy market? How will I help?

As I hear the engine restart and the car drive away, I turn off the iPhone. I wouldn’t know what to say if it rang.

***

My overall objective, as always, is to bring calm and peace—what I like to call balance—to my host and his or her family. I will try to understand the nature of the grief that I felt within Jeremy and Jennifer at the market, and then try to help the family through whatever difficult time they are facing.

When I leave, Jeremy will not know that during my visit, I took control and made decisions that may have changed his life forever. He will remember everything that happens while I am here as if he was present and in control, even though he was not. Although he was absent, he will not remember his absence and he will not be aware of my presence.

While I am managing his life, Jeremy will be in a suspended state until I gradually pull him back. As he returns, he will take control and I will fade into the background of his mind, watching until I leave. I will still have an influence on his behavior, as I did this morning with Damian when he decided to go to Quincy Market to satisfy my need to jump.

There will be one aspect of this extraordinary experience that he will also remember: he will know that something special happened during the time that I was visiting. He will remember having clarity of thought, a rush of creativity and insight that he had never experienced before and does not have on his return. He will look back at this time as being very special and life changing, but not know why. It will seem like a dreamlike memory to him, yet he will not feel comfortable discussing it with anyone—unless I contact him in the future.

***

I run upstairs to continue the scanning process. I begin to consume all of the information in Jeremy’s file cabinet. I go over everything: financial statements, cancelled checks, credit card charges, bank files, bills, invoices, warranties, insurance documents, birthday cards, letters, work files…everything. I finish scanning the three remaining drawers in about thirty minutes and begin my meditation for another thirty. I test out another clue to complete the process.

I sit down at the computer to continue my search. I open up the MacBook, and a screen lock appears. A password is needed to get into Jeremy’s computer. From the memories of my scans, I quickly retrieve anything related to the computer in that file cabinet. I recall a computer security file; there’s a list of phone numbers, memberships, account names, and what appear to be passwords.

I try the first password to unlock the computer. It’s a combination of letters from Jeremy’s immediate family, “jessjensan”— that must be it. Most people create passwords using embedded loved ones names, birthdays, and even their home addresses. I get lucky. As soon as I type in the password, the home screen jumps to life.

I scan the Mac and look through all of Jeremy’s e-mails in the inbox and sent box, as well as deleted files. I review his address book and calendar, and go over files that are easily available. Later, when I have time, I will run a program that will search for any hidden or locked files. I learned that particular technique when I was visiting Daniel Sloan, a computer scientist who works at an IBM research center in Westchester County, just north of New York City.

It’s now around five and I’ve finished scanning everything in the office, the filing cabinet, much of the Mac, and the iPhone. I still have to get into the safe and visit the other rooms on the main floor. Then, of course, there’s the basement, where I’m sure there will be many more clues to uncover.

I expect Jennifer to arrive home soon. Seeing as I don’t have much more time to search, I decide to sit back in the leather office chair to actively think about what I just processed in order to move as many of these scans into my active memory.

I first think about Jessie. What was that feeling about that I had in her room, and why did her name spark such a negative reaction from Jennifer?

Within a minute, I know. I feel a surge of anxiety and panic emanating from Jeremy’s soul. My head is spinning and I begin to feel sick for the first time as Jeremy.

… Continued…

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KND Freebies: Award-winning THE LAST LETTER by bestselling Kathleen Shoop is featured in today’s Free Kindle Nation Shorts excerpt

GOLD MEDAL
2011 IPPY AwardsWINNER, Western Fiction
2011 USA Best Books Awardsplus 119 rave reviews!
For every parent forced to make heart-wrenching decisions in the name of love…

For every child who struggles to forgive…

And for every daughter who thinks she knows her mother’s story…

comes this deeply moving novel by bestselling author Kathleen Shoop.

3.9 stars – 169 Reviews
Text-to-Speech and Lending: Enabled
Here’s the set-up:

Katherine wouldn’t have believed it if she hadn’t found the letter…

Katherine Arthur’s mother arrives on her doorstep, dying, forcing her to relive a past she wanted to forget. When Katherine was young, the Arthur family had been affluent city dwellers until shame sent them running for the prairie, into the unknown. Taking her family, including young Katherine, to live off the land was the last thing Jeanie Arthur had wanted, but she would do her best to make a go of it. For Jeanie’s husband Frank, it had been a world of opportunity. Dreaming, lazy Frank. But, it was a society of uncertainty—a domain of natural disasters, temptation, hatred, even death.

Ten-year-old Katherine had loved her mother fiercely, put her trust in her completely, but when there was no other choice, and Jeanie resorted to extreme measures to save her family, she tore Katherine’s world apart. Now, seventeen years later, and far from the homestead, Katherine has found the truth—she has discovered the last letter. After years of anger, can Katherine find it in her heart to understand why her mother made the decisions that changed them all? Can she forgive and finally begin to heal before it’s too late?

Praise for The Last Letter:

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“…like Little House on the Prairie on steroids in the best possible way!…And in the center of it all is a strong-willed woman trying to do the best to hold her family together…”

an excerpt from

The Last Letter

by Kathleen Shoop

 

Copyright © 2014 by Kathleen Shoop and published here with her permission

Chapter 1

1905

Des Moines, Iowa

Katherine rubbed the second knuckle of her pinky finger–the spot where it had been amputated nearly two decades before. The scarred wound pulsed with each heartbeat as her mind flashed through the events that led to its removal. Was it possible for an infection to form inside an old sore?

Don’t think about it. Just do your work.

She snatched the clump of metal from the stone saucer and scrubbed the iron pot as though issuing it punishment. She caught her forefinger on blackened beans. Damn. She sucked on the nail. With her free hand she yanked the plug from the soapstone sink then opened the back door. Hot, thick wind brushed her cheeks and forced her eyes closed as she yanked the rope that made the dinner bell clang.

With a jerk of her hip she booted the door closed and wiped her hands on the gravy-splattered apron that draped her body. A crash came from the front of the house. A ball through the window? Another wrestling match over the last “up” at bat? She dashed to­ward the foyer to see what her children were up to.

She tripped over the edge of the carpet and caught her balance, gaping at the sight. There on the floor was her husband, Aleksey, kneeling over her sister Yale. A shattered flow-blue vase lay scattered around them.

Yale burped sending a burst of gin-scented breath upward.

Katherine recoiled as the odor hit her nose.

“She’s drunk? Take her to my mother’s!”

Aleksey looked up, his face strained.

“Just help…”

She couldn’t handle Yale. Not right then. She turned and headed back toward the kitchen. Their mother would have to res­cue Yale this time. As though being scolded from afar, her missing finger throbbed again, like a knife scraping at the marrow deep inside her bones the pain forced her to stop. Her mother hadn’t been there when she lost the finger. Her mother was never where she was supposed to be.

Katherine looked over her shoulder at the pair on the floor and clutched her hand against her chest. Yale gurgled, growing pale grey. Aleksey hoisted her and carried her to the couch.

She looked down at her smarting hand, against her heart, and clarity took over. It wasn’t Yale’s fault she was fragile. She’d been born that way. She’s your sister. Do something. She puffed out her cheeks with air and then released it. Her anger receded taking the throbbing pulse in her hand with it.

She grabbed a pot of hydrangeas from a side-table and ran out the front door, shook the billowy, blue flowers out of the pot send­ing coal-black dirt splashing over the wood planks.

Back in the house she slid onto the couch, Yale’s head in her lap, pot perched on the floor to catch the vomit. Aleksey paced in front of the women.

“She was at Sweeny’s. Alone. Men, tossing her back and forth like a billiard ball. I barely…”

Katherine covered her mouth. She had enough of her mother’s failures.

“I knew this kind of thing would happen. And, now-”

“She’s your sister and I know you love them even if you say you don’t care. Your mother’s dying. We have to help them.” Aleksey’s jaw tensed.

Katherine bit the inside of her cheek, struck by his rare disapproval of her.

“You can’t ignore this one more minute,” Aleksey said, “seven­teen years is long enough to forgive.”

Without warning, Yale bucked forward and vomited, spack­ling Katherine with booze-scented chunks before passing out again. Tears gathered in her eyes. Hand quivering, she swiped a chunk from her chin with the back of her hand then smoothed Yale’s black hair off her pale, clammy forehead.

She gulped and gritted her teeth.

“If Mother can’t take care of Yale, then it’s time for the institution.” The words were sour in Katherine’s mouth, yet she couldn’t stop them from forming, from hanging in the air, the spitefulness making Aleksey break her gaze.

Aleksey pulled the pot from between Katherine’s feet and held it near Yale as she started to gag again.

“Yale can stay here. They both can.”

Katherine rocked Yale, not wanting to let her go, but knowing she had to hold her mother accountable. She was the mother after all. She shook her head and slid Yale off her lap, patting her head as she stood.

Aleksey rolled Yale to her side as she heaved into the pot.

“I’ll call Mother,” she said heading toward the stairs.

“I recall a time,” Aleksey said as he held Yale like she was one of his own, “when you called your mother, Mama, and the word swelled with adoration.”

Katherine turned from the bottom step, her posture straight and sure, like she was headed to dinner and a play rather than to scrape someone’s vomit from her skin. She gripped the banister trying to channel the mish-mash of emotion into the wood rather than feel it.

“I don’t recall that. Calling her Mama, feeling warmth in the word. I don’t recall it a bit.” And with that she trudged upstairs to peel off the rancid clothes and to stifle the rotten feelings that always materialized upon the sight of her family, drunk or not.  

 

 

Chapter 2

1887

Dakota Territory

 

“Mama?”  

Jeanie jumped at her daughter’s thin voice. Katherine lay below her in tall sinuous grasses that bent with the wind, covering and uncovering her with each shifting gust.

“I’m hot and tired and when will Father be back?” Katherine rose up on her elbows. “I understand complaining is like an ice-pick in your ear, but I’m plum hot and plum parched and tired of wait­ing.” She jerked a blade of grass from the ground and bit on it.

Jeanie nodded and rubbed her belly. She was pregnant but hadn’t told anyone. Cramps pulled inside her pelvis. Would she lose this one? Nervous, she grabbed for the fat pearls that used to decorate her neck and smacked her tongue off the roof of her arid mouth.

She hacked up a clump of phlegm, turned her back to Katherine and spit it into the air. A sudden blast of air blew the green mu­cus back, landing on her skirt. Hands spread up to the sky, she stared at the ugly splotch marveling at how quickly her life had transformed. She would never have believed it possible before the scandal hit her own family.

With clenched teeth she wrenched a corner of her petticoat from under the skirt to wipe away the lumpy secretion. Her thoughts tripped over each other. Jeanie would not let doubt lin­ger, mix with fear and paralyze her. She would be sure the family re-grew their fortune, that they reclaimed their contentment, their name, their everything. If only Frank were more reliable. Damn Frank was never where he was supposed to be.

Arms wrapped across her body, Jeanie tapped her silk-shoed foot. They should head for water, but she didn’t think that was prudent. She’d heard people could lose direction quickly in such expansive land. That frightened her, not being in control, but she also thought perhaps the people who ended up wandering the prai­rie lost were simply not that smart or were careless. Slowly, as she ran her fingers down the front of her swelling throat, each scratchy swallow symbolized the wagonload of errors Jeanie had made and she started to understand that intelligence and survival did not always walk together.

Damn him. Five hours. They’d waited long enough for Frank. She pushed away the rising tears that grew from think­ing of the mess her father and darling husband had made for them. Be brave.

They needed to take action or they’d prune from the inside out.

“Let’s head for water.” Jeanie clasped Katherine’s hand and pulled her to standing. We can do this, Jeanie thought. Frank had tied red sashes around taller bushes that were scattered in the direc­tion of the well. Katherine wiggled free of her mother’s grasp and raced-as much as a girl could dart through grasses that whapped at her chest-over the land.

“Stay close!” Jeanie stopped and pulled her foot off the ground. She sucked back her breath as her slim-heeled shoes dug into her ankles. Katherine looked up from ahead, waving a bunch of purple prairie crocus over her head at Jeanie.

Jeanie turned to see how far they’d moved from the wagon. She could only see the tip of the white canvas that arched over it. She looked back in the direction of the well, of Katherine. The wind stilled. The sudden hush was heavy. The absence of Katherine’s lavender bonnet sent blood flashing through her veins.

“Katherine?” She must be pulling more flowers, Jeanie thought and rose to her tiptoes. “Katherine?”

Jeanie looked back at the wagon.

“Katherine!” Jeanie stomped some of the grass hoping the de­pressed sections would somehow stick out amidst the chunky high grass when they needed to return.

Katherine!” Jeanie’s voice cracked. She cleared her throat and shouted again. No answer. She shivered then clenched her skirt and hiked it up, thundering in the direction of Katherine.

KatherineKatherineKatherineKatherine! Bolting through the grasses, the wind swelled, it pushed Jeanie back as she pressed for­ward, turning her shouts back at her, filling her ears with her own words as she strained to hear a reply.

Jeanie stopped as though slamming into a wall, swallowing loud breaths hoping the silence would allow Katherine’s voice to hit her ears. Nothing. She ran again, right out of her luxurious, city-shoes, while cursing the mass of skirts and crinoline that swallowed her legs. Her feet slammed over the dirt.

The grasses tangled around her ankles, tripping her. Jeanie scrambled back to her feet and took three steps before taking one right off the edge of the earth. She plummeted into water. A pond. Jeanie stood and spit out foamy, beer-colored water. At least she could touch bottom.

“Katthhh-errrrrr-ine!” She slogged through the waist deep water, her attention nowhere and everywhere at once. The sounds of splashing and choking finally made Jeanie focus on one area of the pond. She shot around a bend in the bank to see Katherine’s face go under the water taking what little wind Jeanie had left in her lungs away.

Katherine shot back up. “Mama, Mama!” She dropped back under.

Jeanie lunged and groped for Katherine as the bottom of the pond fell away. Jeanie treaded water, the skirts strangling her ef­forts to be efficient. A bit further! The bottom must be shallow or Katherine couldn’t have bounced up as she had.

But the bottom didn’t rise up and Jeanie choked on grainy water. She burst forward on her stomach, taking an arm-stroke, her feet scrounging for the bottom. Her face sunk under the surface.

We’re going to die, Jeanie thought. Frank would never find them. Her boys!

Bubbles appeared in front of Jeanie and she reached through the murky water for Katherine. Finally, hands grabbed back, grip­ping Jeanie’s. She could feel every precious finger threaded through hers. Jeanie jerked Katherine into her body, lumbered toward the bank then shoved the floppy girl up onto it. Katherine lay on the grass, hacking and inhaling so deep that she folded over, gagging. Jeanie squirmed out and pulled Katherine across her lap, thump­ing her back until there was nothing left but empty heaves.

Silent tears camouflaged by stale, pond water warmed Jeanie’s cheeks. Her hand shook as she pushed Katherine’s matted hair away from her eyes, rocking her.

“We’ll be fine, Katherine. We’ll build a life and start over and be happy. We will. Believe it deep inside your very young bones.”

Katherine snuffled then blew her nose in her filthy, sodden skirt. Her voice squeaked. “Oh, Mama.” Katherine burrowed into Jeanie’s chest and curled into a ball in her lap.

Jeanie wiped Katherine’s mouth with the edge of her skirt, streaking mud across her cheek. She used her thumb to clean away the muck. Her daughter in need was all that kept Jeanie from roll­ing into a ball herself.

“My, my. We’ll be fine,” Jeanie said. And as her heart fell back into its normal rhythms heavy exhaustion braced her. “We’ll enjoy the sunshine all the more if we’ve had a few shadows first. Right? That’s right.” Jeanie knew those words sounded ridiculous in light of all they’d been through, but still they dribbled out of her mouth, as though simply discussing a broken bit of Limoges.

Katherine nodded into her mother’s chest. Jeanie shuddered, a leaden tumor of dread swelled in her gut. She wouldn’t let it settle there.

“Shush, shush, little one,” Jeanie kissed her cheeks. If Katherine and she lived through that they could live through anything. The pond event, as it came to be in Jeanie’s mind, was evidence they’d paid a price and would be free to accept all the treasures the prairie offered from that point forward.

“Are you crying Mama?”

Jeanie forced a smile then looked into Katherine’s upturned face.

“We’re not crying people.” Her fingers quivered as she tucked the stiff chestnut tendrils into Katherine’s bonnet. “Besides there’s nothing to cry about.”

Katherine gripped her mother tighter.

“I knew you’d save us, Mama. Even in Des Moines, I knew that no matter what, you could save us.”

Jeanie hugged Katherine close hiding the splintered confi­dence she knew must be creased into her face. What did Katherine know? She couldn’t know the details of their disgrace. She must have simply picked up on the weightiness of their leaving the fam­ily home for this-this nothingness.

Jeanie squeezed her eyes shut, trying to find the strength in­side her. She would not fake her self-assurance. She believed that kind of thing lived inside a person’s skin, never really leaving, even if it did weaken from time to time. Yes, Jeanie told herself, she was the same person she had been three weeks before. Losing every­thing she owned didn’t mean she had to lose herself.

 

***

 

Jeanie stood at the edge of the pond and inventoried her most recent losses: impractical shoes she shouldn’t have been wearing anyway; silver chatelaine that held her pen, paper, and watch; pride. Well, no, she was determined to salvage her self-respect. She clutched her waist with both hands, considering their options, then pulled Katherine to her feet.

“This standing pond water will poison us. We’ll continue to the well.”

Katherine patted her mother’s back then bent over to pluck some prairie grass from the ground.

The wooly sunrays seemed to lower onto their heads rather than move further away, settling into the west. Their dresses dried crisp-the pond-water debris acted as a starch-while the skirts underneath remained moist and mealy.

Jeanie wiggled her toes. They burned inside the holey stockings.

“Our new home will have a spring house, right Mama? Icy, fresh spring water?”

“I’m afraid, no, little lamb.”

“Oh gaaaa-loshes,” Katherine said.

Jeanie slung her arm around Katherine. “Let me think for a moment, Darling.”

The endless land looked the same though not familiar, appearing perfectly flat, though housing hidden rises in land and gaping holes that were obvious only after it was too late. All Jeanie could remember was running straight to the spot that ended up being a pond. Her heart thudded hard again reminding her she had no control of her existence.

A sob rumbled inside Jeanie, wracking her body, forcing an obnoxious, weak moan to ooze from her clenched lips. Toughen up. She pushed her shoulders down as her throat swelled around an­other rising sob.

Katherine pushed a piece of grass upward, offering it to Jeanie to chew on.

“You said you came around a bend, Mama.”

Jeanie closed her fingers over the blade of grass and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

“We’ll curve back around to get to the point where we can head straight back toward the wagon. Then we’ll know where the well is from there.”

They held hands, traipsed around the edge of the pond and rose up a gentle hill. From there, they could see a tree. Just one. Tall, yet knobby, as though surrendering to death a bit. But, even in its contorted form, Jeanie could see its vibrant green foliage and white blooms.

Katherine pointed.

“I forgot the world had trees.”

“Yes.”

“I’m thirsty Mama.”

“Don’t feel out of spirits. We’ll find the well. Better to ignore the thirst until then.” Jeanie wished she could take her own advice but she’d felt parched since she first perched atop the wagon seat three days before.

Katherine squeezed Jeanie’s hand three times saying “I love you” with the gesture. Jeanie squeezed back to say the same then looked away from the tree into nothingness.

They hugged the edge of the pond, following the bends back to the spot where Jeanie’s foot caught the cusp of the pond, tearing out some earth. Facing directly east, they headed back to where Jeanie thought the wagon sat.

“Get on my shoulders,” Jeanie said.

They faced each other with Jeanie’s wrists crossed, hands joined. Jeanie bent her knees and exploded upward swinging Katherine around her back. Katherine wiggled into a comfortable place on Jeanie’s shoulders and fastened her ankles around Jeanie’s chest.

“You all right, Mama?”

“My yes, Sweet Pea. All is well.” She was going to make all of that true. “Peel your eyes for the wagon.” Jeanie plodded, feeling Katherine’s weight quickly, thinking of the baby inside.

“Yes, Mama.” Katherine hummed a tune.

“Concentrate on the looking,” Jeanie said.

“The humming helps me look.”

“Well, then,” Jeanie said through heavy breaths. “Keep those eyes wide as a prairie night.”

“Wide as a what?” Katherine said.

“A prairie night,” Jeanie said. Katherine’s legs stiffened and she pulled hard around Jeanie’s neck.

Jeanie halted, absorbing Katherine’s tension.

“What’s wrong? What do you see?” Jeanie looked upward at Katherine’s face above her. She squeezed Katherine’s thigh to get her attention. Were they about to step into a snake pit, be tram­pled by a herd of cows?

“What is it?”

“A man,” Katherine said.

“Who?” Ridiculous question in light of them not knowing a soul in Dakota.

Katherine’s legs kicked-she gripped Jeanie’s bonnet making its ties nearly choke her.

Jeanie’s heart began its clunking patterns again.

“Where?”

Katherine didn’t respond so Jeanie swung her from her shoul­ders and tucked her behind her skirts. Jeanie glanced about the ground for something sharp or big. There was nothing that could be used as a weapon against a small rodent let alone a man.

Katherine clenched Jeanie so tight that the two nearly flew off their feet. Steadied, Jeanie couldn’t see anyone coming toward them. Her bare feet pulsed with pain making her feel more vulnerable. Katherine must be hallucinating, the thirst taking its toll on her.

Jeanie spun in place, craning for the sight of a man, the sound of feet, but a windblast made anything that might emit noise, soundless.

For a moment Jeanie was tempted to burrow into the grasses, hide there, play dead, anything to avoid the man, if there was a man. A new burst of sweat gathered at her hairline and dripped down the sides of her face. Katherine’s fingers delved into the loos­ened stays of Jeanie’s corset.

“Who’s there?” Jeanie yelled into the wind. She shuddered. She could feel someone watching them. She whirled again, Katherine whipped around with her.

Who’s there?” Jeanie shouted. This time her words tore through the air, the winds momentarily still.

“It’s Howard Templeton! Jeanie Arthur? That you?” A full, gruff voice came from behind. Jeanie and Katherine twisted around a final time. Jeanie’s body relaxed. If he knew her name it must be a good sign. She tensed again, maybe not. Maybe he tortured Frank and the boys and…she wouldn’t think about it. This Templeton sported a pristine black hat. His ropy limbs were strong though not bulky, not threatening in any setting other than that of the naked prairie.

Jeanie shaded her eyes and looked into his six feet two inches, meeting his gaze. A crooked grin pulled his mouth a centimeter away from being a smirk.

“Mrs. Arthur, I presume? There. That’s more proper, isn’t it? Don’t be nervous.”

“It was the wind,” Jeanie said. You scared me blind, she wanted to say, but wouldn’t. “I couldn’t pinpoint…well, no matter.” She wasn’t accustomed to making her own introductions. It felt rude to say, who are you? So, she said nothing.

Templeton removed his hat and bent at the waist, lifting his eyes. Was he flirting with this dramatic bow? She grabbed for absent pearls then smoothed the front of her dress before pulling Katherine into her side.

He straightened, replaced his hat.

“I met your husband, Frank, on his way to stake a claim.”

Jeanie flinched. Where was Frank?

Templeton jammed one of his mitts toward Jeanie, offering a handshake. She stepped backward while still offering her hand in return.

He clasped her hand inside both of his. They were remarkably soft for a man ferreting out a home on the prairie. He held the handclasp and their gaze. Jeanie looked away glimpsing their joined hands. She cleared her throat and wormed her hand out of his.

She wished there had been a manual pertaining to the etiquette of meeting on the prairie. Etiquette should have traveled anywhere one went, but she could feel, standing there embarrassed in so many ways, how unreliable everything she had learned about life would be in that setting. Jeanie ran the freed hand over her bonnet, straightening it then smoothing the front of her pond-mucked skirt.

Templeton shifted his weight, and drew Jeanie’s attention back.

“I advised your Frank to jump a claim. To take up in the Henderson’s place. That family never proved up and rather than you starting from scratch, I figured you might as well start from something. Besides, I miss having a direct neighbor. Darlington Township might have well over a hundred homesteads settled, but it’s really the few closest to you, the ones you form cooperatives with, that matter.”

Jeanie swallowed hard. She eyed his canteen and had to hold her hand back to keep from rudely snatching it right off his body.

“Well, I’m not keen on jumping a claim, Mr. Templeton. I’ll have to consult my own inclination before we put pen to paper on that.”

She bit the inside of her mouth, regretting she’d lost her man­ners, her mind.

“I’m sorry. My manners. It’s a pleasure to meet you. This is my daughter Katherine.”

Katherine smiled. “Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

Templeton shook her hand then folded his arms across his chest.

“You, Katherine, are the picture of your father. Prettier though, of course, with your mother’s darker coloring, I see.”

Katherine reddened, peered upward from under her bonnet then darted away, leaping and spinning.

“Stay close!” Jeanie said.

“So what bit you with good old prairie fever?” Templeton asked.

Jeanie looked around as though something drew her attention. She hadn’t considered what her response to that query would be. Her heart burst at the chest wall. Templeton’s quiet patience, his steadfast gaze heightened Jeanie’s discomfort.

“Circumstances.”

“I know all about circumstances,” Howard said.

“I don’t mean to be ill-mannered, but…” Jeanie eyed the can­teen Templeton had slung across his body.

He rubbed his chin then slid the strap over his head.

“Frank sent me with some water, figured you’d need it, that I’d be the best person to find you.”

“Water, thank you, my yes.” Jeanie licked her lips.

He handed it to Jeanie. Her hands shook, nearly dropping it as she unclasped the catch. She would give her daughter the first drink.

“Katherine! Water!”

Katherine skipped toward them. She took the canteen, shoul­ders hunched, eyes wide as they had been on Christmas morning.

“Watch, don’t dribble.” Jeanie held her hands up under the canteen. She forced her gaze away, knowing she must look crazed, staring at Katherine’s throat swallowing, barely able to wait her turn.

Katherine stopped drinking and sighed, eyes closed, content. She held the canteen to her mother.

Jeanie threw her head back, water drenching her insides. The liquid engorged every cell of her shriveled body. She took it from her lips and offered it back to Katherine.

“You finish up,” Jeanie said, cupping Katherine’s chin, lifting it to get a good look into her now glistening eyes.

“There’s got to be plenty back at the wagon now, right, Mr. Templeton?” Jeanie said.

He didn’t reply. He squatted down, squinting at Jeanie’s bare feet.

“You’re not going another inch with naked feet and phalanges. What a great word, I haven’t had use for since, well, never mind that,” Templeton said.

Katherine’s eyes widened.

“I’ll thank you to find your manners, Mr. Templeton,” Jeanie said stepping back.

“Don’t be harebrained, Mrs. Arthur. Allow me to wrap your feet so they’re protected should you step on a rattler, or into a go­pher hole. I’ll be as doctorly as possible.” Templeton stood and unbuttoned his shirt.

Jeanie waved her hands back and forth. “No, now, no, now please don’t do…” But before she could arrange her words to match her thoughts, Templeton ripped his shirt into strips and helped Jeanie to the ground. He turned her left foot back and forth. Jeanie’s eyes flew wide open, her mouth gaping.

Katherine sighed with her entire body.

“Sure am glad we stumbled upon Mr. Templeton. My mama wasn’t trying to be dis­agreeable. She’s just proper is all.”

“Katherine Margaret Arthur.” Jeanie snatched for her daughter’s arm, but she leapt away, humming, cart-wheeling. Jeanie’s face flamed.

Templeton’s deep laugh shook his whole body. He began to wrap her foot. “These feet look to have been damaged by more than a simple run across the land.”

Jeanie bit the inside of her cheek. She wouldn’t confide her utter stupidity to a stranger.

“Let me guess,” Templeton said. “I’d say you had a little trou­ble parting with your city shoes? Perhaps? The way your feet are lacerated below the ankles, as though stiff shoes meant for decora­tion more than work had their way with you?”

“Stay close Katherine!” Jeanie shouted to avoid admitting that in fact, she’d kept three pairs of delicate, pretty shoes and only traded one for a pair of black clodhoppers. The clodhoppers that bounced out of the back of the wagon just beyond their stop in Yankton.

Jeanie flinched as Templeton bandaged the other foot.

“Did I hurt you?”

Jeanie covered her mouth then recovered her poise.

“No. Let’s finish this production and get moving.” It was then Jeanie realized she was shoeless-and not temporarily speaking. She wouldn’t be able to sausage her swollen feet into the pretty shoes and she had nothing utilitarian in reserve. Frank was a miracle worker with wood, but wooden shoes? That wasn’t an option.

Templeton whistled.

“Nice you have such a grand family to cheer you while you make your home on the prairie. Times like this I wish I had the same. No wife, no children to speak of.”

“You’re unmarried?” Jeanie smoldered at the thought that not only a strange man handled her feet, her naked toes, but one who was batching-it! A scandal in the eyes of many. Thankfully, there were no prying eyes to add this outrage to her hobbled reputation.

Templeton snickered repeatedly as he moved with a doctor’s detachment. The feel of hands so gently, though firmly, caring for her, nearly put Jeanie in a trance. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had done such a thing for her.

“There. Good as new. Until we get you to the wagon, anyway. I assume you have another pair of boots there.”

“Well, I uh, I…” She told herself to find her composure, that she was one step away from a reputation as an adventuress or an imbecile if she didn’t put forth the picture of a respectable woman.

“Had a shoe mishap?”

“It could be characterized that way.” Jeanie wanted to die. How stupid could she have been?

She turned one foot back and forth and then the other before having no choice but to look at Templeton and thank him for his assistance. Blood seeped through bandages and she nodded know­ing he had been right. She’d have been wrought with infection and open to the bone if he hadn’t wrapped her.

“Thank you Mr. Templeton. I thank you sincerely.” Jeanie put her hand over her heart.

He pulled Jeanie to her feet.

“My pleasure.” Templeton gave another shallow bow then tied an extra shred of his white shirt to a small cobwebby bush to use as a landmark, to show Jeanie and Katherine how the prairie land could work against even the most knowledgeable pioneer.

Jeanie knew she’d been careless that day, but she certainly didn’t need white ties all over the prairie to keep her from getting lost again. She’d be more vigilant next time.

Move on, Jeanie. No time for moping. Jeanie drew back and lifted her skirts. She stepped onto the fresh bandages then snapped her foot back in pain. She held her breath and pressed forward ignoring the pain.

“It’s this way,” Templeton said. “You’re turned around.”

Jeanie halted. Her face warmed further than the heat and anxi­ety had already flushed it.

“I suppose I’ve made some dire errors today, Mr. Templeton.”

“I suppose we all do at first, Mrs. Arthur.”

Jeanie puckered her lips in front of unspoken embarrassment. When was the last time she’d faced a string of endless failures? Never. She wondered if that could be possible, or if she was just making such a fact up in her mind.

“This way, my sweet!” Jeanie pushed her shoulders back, tugged her skirts against her legs and took off in the correct di­rection, Katherine beside her with Templeton just behind, gently guiding them back to Jeanie’s family, back to the life she didn’t think she could actually live with, but would not survive without.

 

Chapter 3

1905

Des Moines, Iowa

In the three days since Yale had stumbled drunk into Katherine and Aleksey’s home, the couple had made the decision that their Edwardian home, even with four children, allowed more than enough space to care for both the cancer-stricken Jeanie and Yale, who was slow. There wasn’t much to do in the way of transporting her sister and mother’s belongings into Katherine’s home for other than two trunks and some hanging clothes; they did not own a single item that needed to be moved.

It wasn’t Katherine’s decision to have them come. She resisted with all her might but Aleksey, had for the first time in their mar­riage, asserted the type of overbearing male dominance so many men reveled in regularly. He told Katherine she had no choice but to let Jeanie and Yale live with them. It was Katherine’s duty to nurse her mother back to life or onward to death and it was her job to comfort and house her struggling sister.

Katherine stood in their doorway and watched Aleksey help Jeanie, one awkward step after another, up the front steps and across the porch. Katherine may not have remembered any warmth toward her mother, any sweet, shared moments or precious mother/ daughter secrets, but she felt them from time to time, inside her skin, down in her soul, coursing through her body. Below the surface of her conscious mind was the memory of a woman she once adored. Normally when that flash of love for her mother shot through Katherine, she pushed it away, and let the resentment, the gritty hate that seemed to be layered like bricks, weigh on the goodness, squashing it out.

But now, with her mother being ushered into her home for Katherine to tend until she took her final breath, she let the shot of warm feelings sit a bit; saturate her mind, hoping the sensation would allow her to cope.

As Aleksey and Jeanie entered the front room, Katherine watched Jeanie’s gaze fall over the carved-legged mohair davenport, velvet chair, and an oil painting done by Katherine herself. The thick Oriental rug drew Jeanie’s attention, then when Katherine pushed the button, the diamond-like chandelier jumped to life, drawing Jeanie’s gaze before she settled it back on Katherine’s painting, one she’d done when they lived on the prairie.

Jeanie’s once graceful posture was hunched over an ugly black cane as her hand opened and closed around the handle as though the action soothed her. Jeanie’s brown hair, pulled tight into a bun, was thin, sprouting out of the severe style. The frail woman straightened, stared at the painting then brushed the front of her dress before falling hunched over her cane again.

Katherine told herself to find the love she wanted to feel. She took Jeanie’s elbow and helped her to the couch, hoping it didn’t smell like the old hound that often curled on one corner.

Aleksey kissed Jeanie’s cheek and took her cane, supporting that side as they shuffled to the davenport. Acid rose up inside Katherine and blossomed into full envy at the warmth Aleksey showed Jeanie-the fact that he could touch her without looking as though his skin would combust on contact, as Katherine felt hers would.

Katherine gritted her teeth as she and Aleksey turned Jeanie and settled her onto the davenport. She sighed and squinted at Aleksey. She loved him more than anyone except their own children, but this may be too much.

“I’ll get that sweet tea you made, Katherine.” Aleksey headed toward the hall.

Katherine couldn’t have guessed exactly what her mother was thinking, but the puckered lips and narrowed brows didn’t look positive.

“Well,” Jeanie said. “You’re a little late with your spring cleaning, but the place is respectable all the same. I can see you purchase things that last.” Jeanie smoothed her dress over her knees then smiled at Katherine.

“I know you mean that as a joke, Mother, but I don’t appreci­ate it.”

Jeanie scowled and Katherine flinched, waiting for hard words in return. Her mother opened her mouth and closed it then stared toward the painting with reed straight posture.

The pounding of the ice pick as Aleksey split the ice into cold slivers mimicked Katherine’s heartbeat. She took a deep breath. How could a person feel so uncomfortable with the very person who gave her life? She prayed for Aleksey to speed it up in the kitchen as time moved like a fly in honey for the two in the front parlor.

With a startling jerk, Jeanie grasped Katherine’s hand. She jumped in her seat, so surprised that her mother actually touched her. She stared at their hands then at her mother’s profile. Jeanie gazed at the moody landscape Katherine had created on that awful day so long ago.

“You were such a beautiful artist,” Jeanie said. “I remember when you did that one.”

Prickly heat leapt between their hands, making Katherine sweat with anxiety. Jeanie caught her confused expression then squeezed her daughter’s hand three distinct times. I love you. Each unspoken word was hidden in the three contractions of Jeanie’s grip. Katherine nearly choked on swelling anger as she fought the burst of tears that threatened to fall.

With her free hand, Jeanie brushed some hair back from Katherine’s face. Katherine, still as marble, wanting her mother to stop touching her, cleared her throat, feeling like she might pass out.

“Oh, I know,” Jeanie said. “So very serious you are. I was once that way…I…well. I’m sorry, Katherine. I shouldn’t have…I should have told you everything years ago, but…” Jeanie’s gaze went back to the painting. “I want to explain.”

Katherine nodded once but angled her shoulders away, trying to put as much space between them as possible. Katherine couldn’t go down that old prairie path again. It was too late for explana­tions. She would have sprinted out the door, but her legs were numb. The only energy in her body seemed to exist inside the space between her and her mother’s intertwined fingers. Hurry Aleksey. Katherine closed her eyes. Aleksey returned with a tray and tea, ice cubes clinking in the tall glasses.

He set the tray on the table in front of the women. Katherine silently begged him to notice her blood had rushed to her feet, that he should hoist her over his shoulder and take her away from this woman who, in merely touching Katherine, made her unable to render useful thought, to move, to live.

Trust Aleksey, Katherine told herself. She told herself to hope, to believe that something would be gained from this operation- from what Katherine saw as self-inflicted torture.

But, with Aleksey standing there, handing out tea, acting as though it were perfectly normal that Jeanie was there, with Yale asleep upstairs, Katherine decided she might never speak to Aleksey again.

 

Chapter 4

1887

Dakota Territory

Jeanie, Katherine, and Templeton crested a hill and stopped. Jeanie was eager to get to their wagon but relieved to give her smarting feet a break. She lifted one foot then the other, grimacing, as Templeton discussed their trek up to that point. He motioned back in the direction they had come, where he had tied a piece of his shirt to a bush, saying that even though the path to the crest upon which they stood had risen slightly and slowly, that Jeanie should always be aware of how deceptive the prairie land could be.

She turned in place, taking it in, seeing that on that sloping land the world seemed to open up but also it hid things. The fat, blue sky stretched in every direction without a landmark to mar a bit of it. Like the tie on that bush. It was gone, as though it never existed. Jeanie shook her head. So, it wasn’t just that she and Katherine had been irresponsible in getting lost earlier, it was tricky land.

Templeton walked Jeanie and Katherine twenty yards further over the slope. And as though a magician had lifted a curtain, there appeared, one hundred and fifty yards east, a small frame home and the Arthur’s wagon sitting near a crooked barn. Even from that distance, Jeanie could make out Frank, their eleven-year-old son James, and Katherine’s twin brother Tommy fiddling with the wagon wheel.

The three of them walked east as though searching for something lost in the grass. Frank swaggered; his wiry body bore his unconscious confidence. But, he tapped the side of his leg-the one outward sign that something was bothering him. His movements were like a set of fingerprints. Jeanie could pick him out of a thousand other men if they were all in shadow, she was sure.

Katherine tore away from Jeanie and Templeton, gallop­ing, twirling around to wave at Jeanie before breaking into full sprint to greet her father and brothers. Tommy glanced up at his approaching sister then carried on with his play-walking a few yards before throwing himself to the ground, shot, by some evil intruder.

And her James. Jeanie’s first born. He lagged behind, but leapt into the air as Katherine raced by him and slapped his backside, making her fall into giggles that carried over the land. James had perfected a subtle, bellow of brooding, never quick to laugh or lash out. Each of them unique though together they formed a mass of love and pride, each one inhabiting a chamber of Jeanie’s heart. If one were to disappear it would surely kill her instantly.

Templeton pointed west, past Jeanie’s nose.

“If Katherine fell into the pond I think you’re describing, you must have seen that tree.”

Jeanie nodded toward the crooked one she’d seen earlier.

“That’s the bee tree. It’s actually part of the Henderson’s, no, your homestead, now. You can’t see the tree from everywhere, but it’s an anchor of sorts. Then there’s another anchor just over there, at the far end of the Hunt’s property, a cluster of six or seven trees.”

Jeanie rose to her toes to look.

“Your bee tree and the Hunt’s cluster are the most obvious landmarks between the five closest homesteads in Darlington Township. Gifts, sprouting from the land to guide and direct us.”

Hoots of joy from Frank and the children startled Jeanie. She looked back at the family. They ran into the sun, past the sinking yolk, their bodies exploded blaze yellow, each outlined in black to mark where one golden body ended and another began.

Jeanie looked at Templeton and realized for the first time since he’d disrobed to wrap her feet that he was not properly dressed,

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Meanwhile, her budding relationship with a mystery man is thwarted by his gaggle of eccentric sisters. Carolyn depends on her friends to get her through the hard times, but with poverty-stricken children at her feet and a wealthy man at her side, she must define who she is.

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Love and Other Subjects

by Kathleen Shoop

 

Copyright © 2014 by Kathleen Shoop and published here with her permission

1993

Chapter 1

I stood at my blackboard, detailing the steps for adding fractions. It wasn’t exciting stuff. It was stab-yourself-in-the-eye boring, as a matter of fact, but it was part of the job—part of my brilliant plan to change the world. And I had constructed a downright solid lesson plan.

Said lesson was met with exquisite silence. I looked around. Thirty-six fifth and sixth graders. All seated, almost all of them paying attention. So what if six students had their heads on their desks.

I told myself my dazzling teaching skills must have finally had an impact on their behavior. The bile creeping up my esophagus said I was wrong. The truth was they had probably stayed up too late and now were sleeping with their eyes open. I ignored the heartburn. I willed myself to revel in the tiniest success.

“Tanesha, what’s the next step?” I asked brightly.

Tanesha sucked her teeth and threw herself back in her seat.

I opened my mouth to reprimand her but the sudden sound of chairs screeching across hardwood filled the room. The resulting flurry of movement shocked me. Some students bolted, scattering to the corners of the room. Others froze in place. My attention shot back to the middle of the classroom where two boys were preparing to dismantle one another.

Short, fire-pluggish LeAndre and monstrous Cedrick sandwiched their chests together, rage bubbling just below their skin. Different denominators, I almost told the class. Right there, everyday math in action.

“Wait a minute, guys.” I held up my hands as though I had a hope of stopping them with the gesture. These daily wrestling matches had definitely lost their cute factor. “How about we sit down and talk this—”

LeAndre growled, then pulled a gun-like object from his waistband and pressed it into Cedrick’s belly. I narrowed my eyes at the black object. It couldn’t be a gun. The sound of thirty-four kids hitting the floor in unison told me it was. No more shouting, crying, swearing—not even a whimper.

“It’s real.” Marvin, curled at my feet, whispered up at me.

I nodded. It couldn’t be real. My heart seized, then sent blood charging through my veins so hard my vision blurred.

“Okay, LeAndre. Let’s think this through,” I said.

“He. Lookin’. At. Me.” Spittle hitched a ride on each syllable LeAndre spoke.

“I’m walking over to you,” I said. “And you’re going to hand me the gun, LeAndre. Okay?” I can do this. “Please. Let’s do this.” I can do this. I can do this. There were no snarky words to go with this situation. There was no humor in it.

Cedrick stared at the ceiling, not showing he understood there was a gun pressed into him. I stepped closer. Sweat beaded on LeAndre’s face only to be obliterated by tears careening down his cheeks. He choked on sobs as though he wasn’t the one with the gun, as though he wasn’t aware he could stop this whole mess. The scent of unwashed hair and stale perspiration struck me. The boys’ chests heaved in unison.

I focused on LeAndre’s eyes. If he just looked back at me, he’d trust I could help him.

The whine of our classroom door and the appearance of Principal Klein interrupted my careful approach.

“Ms. Jenkins!”

He startled everyone, including LeAndre and his little trigger finger.

**

In the milliseconds between Klein’s big voice bulleting off the rafters and the gun firing, I managed to throw myself in front of a few stray kids at my feet. I can’t take total credit for my actions because I don’t even remember moving. Suddenly, I was there on the floor, thanking God that Jesus or some such deity had been bored enough to notice what was going on in my little old Lincoln Elementary classroom. LeAndre fell into Cedrick’s arms, wailing about the gun being loaded with BBs—that it wasn’t real.

My foot hurt, but I ignored it and assessed the kids while Klein focused on LeAndre. Could everyone really be all right? I checked Cedrick, who appeared unfazed. He was injury-free, simply standing there, hovering, as though guarding everyone around him.

I moved to other students—no visible harm. I hauled several up by their armpits, reassuring them with pretend authority. A firearm-wielding child usurps all of a teacher’s mojo in a short, split second.

I made up comforting stuff—words of phony hopefulness that might convince them that nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred. And with each lie came the odd feeling that I was actually telling the truth. A little gun in a classroom was nothing.

Klein stuffed the piece into his pants and carried the withering LeAndre out of the room in his arms as a man would carry a woman over the marital threshold. His voice was devoid of its usual venomous tone and soothed LeAndre’s gulping sobs. Perhaps he’d been shot with a dose of compassion during the melee.

Stepping back inside the room, still holding LeAndre, Klein shoved his thumb into the air, giving us the old Lincoln thumbs-up. No one returned the gesture, but I figured that was all right this once. The school counselor came into the room and announced she’d take everyone to the library while I met with the police. Leaving the room, I noticed Cedrick’s face appeared to have been drained of blood and finally revealed his true feelings about what had happened. The rest of the students—their faces expressing the same shock I felt inside—wrapped themselves in their own arms, shook their heads and trailed the counselor out of the room.

It was like watching a scene through a window that wasn’t mine, that I couldn’t remember stepping up to. I forced calm into my voice and actions as I funneled the kids still inside the room to the door and told myself I could let the impact of what just happened hit me later. To get through the day, to be the type of teacher who could handle a weapon in the classroom, I had to leave the assimilation of the events for later.

These poor freaking kids. Where the hell did they come from and how did they end up with this life? I thought I’d known the details of their lives. Apparently not.

“Ms. Jenkins,” Terri said. She stopped and pointed at my foot. “Your boot.”

I gasped at the sight of the leather. It gaped like a jagged mouth, tinged with blood. I wiggled my stinging toe making more blood seep through my trouser sock. Nausea slammed me. LeAndre’s shooting arm had obviously moved in my direction when he’d been startled by Klein. Had that really been just a BB-gun?

I straightened against my queasiness. “Terri, go on. I’ll meet you in the library in a minute.”

She left the room. I collapsed into my desk chair and removed my boot and the torn, bloody sock. “Jeez. That hurts like a mother,” I said. I turned the boot over and a teeny ball fell out of it and skittered across the floor. I swiveled my chair and took my Pittsburgh Steelers Terrible Towel down from the wall. I dabbed my toe with it, staining the towel red.

I thought of the reason I’d become a teacher. That I’d searched for a way to make a difference in the world and thought, well, damn, yes, a teacher. I could save the urban youth of America. I just needed a little help and some time. I was only two months in to my teaching career, and I already knew chances were I wouldn’t be saving anybody.

The footfalls grew louder as they neared my room. I knew it was her. I turned my attention to the doorway. Our secretary, Bobby Jo, wheezed as she leaned against the doorjamb. With new energy, she pushed forward and barreled toward me. I set the Terrible Towel on the desk and stood to move out of her path, but she caught my wrist and swallowed me into the folds of her body with what she no doubt imagined was a helpful hug. She gripped the back of my head and plunged my face into her armpit. The spicy fusion of ineffective deodorant and body odor made me hold my breath.

Aside from being a secretary, Bobby Jo was an emotional extortionist. She pushed out of the hug, but, still gripping my shoulders, stared at me. Her labored breath scratched up through her respiratory system. I squeezed my eyes closed in anticipation of her “I’m Klein’s right-hand woman” crap. Not today, Bobby Jo. Not now.

She glanced around the room, and then dug her fingers nearly to my bones. “The boss is so upset.”

I gave her the single-nod/poker face combo, as disgust welled inside me. He’s upset? I weighed my inclination to tell her to leave me the hell alone with the ensuing sabotage that would follow if I didn’t kiss her ass hard and immediately. I wiggled out of her grip and leaned against my desk.

“The boss,” Bobby Jo said. “He’ll be in as soon as he’s off the phone with the superintendents from areas four, five, and six. They’re using your sit-u-a-tion as a teaching case.” Bobby Jo’s plump fingers with their fancy, long nails danced stiffly in front of her as if she could only form words if her hands were involved.

Man, this school year was not going as planned. I might have been delusional to think I’d alter the course of public education in just two months, but I hadn’t expected to be held up as a “what not to do in the classroom” example for one of the largest counties in the United States. Fame was one thing, scandal was another.

I looked back at my shoe, hoping Bobby Jo wouldn’t mistake my attempt to ignore her for the need for another hug. I was about to ask if I could see our nurse, Toots, about my wounded foot.

“It was only a BB-gun. You’ll be fine,” Bobby Jo said. “I don’t know why everyone’s so worked up. I heard the whole thing.” She ran one hand through the other, massaging her fingers.

“What do you mean, you heard?”

Bobby Jo looked around the room again. “Okay, okay, you got me. I’ll just spill.” Her eyes practically vibrated in their sockets. “I heard the entire thing because I was listening on the intercom.”

“What?” You can do that?

“The boss. He tells me to. Says your classroom techniques warrant that I get a handle on what’s happening.”

Chills paraded through my body as though they had feet and marching orders. No wonder he knew every move I made, was able to appear in my room at the worst time of the day—every day.

I readjusted my poker face.

The shuffle-clack-shuffle-clack of Klein’s clown feet stopped me from telling Bobby Jo what she could do with her intercom. She shambled back toward the door. “I’ll finish the report, Boss.” They gave each other the Lincoln thumbs-up—Klein’s way of encouraging school spirit while sucking it out of me.

I hobbled around my desk and picked up a paper that had flown off it. “I’m okay. Boy, that was something. I knew LeAndre had big problems.”

“Jenkins,” Klein said, “because of this incident, I have four meetings to attend before the day’s over, so we’ll have to meet about this on Monday.”

Guess that wasn’t newfound compassion I’d witnessed him offering LeAndre.

He crossed his arms across his chest and spread his legs, his pelvis jutting forward as though he needed the wide base to hold his slim upper body erect. “You’ll have to meet with some parents. Bobby Jo will bring the police in as soon as they get finished with her interview.”

He blew out a stout puff of air, the sound you heard when a bike pump was removed from the tire mid-pump. “I need you to think long and hard about how this transpired—about how I’ve gone twenty years with nary a gun incident and as soon as you show up, the kids start packing heat.”

Please, I’d been at Lincoln two months sans gun incident. “You can’t be serious. I’m not their mother. I only have the kids seven hours day. I didn’t—”

Klein held up his hand to shut me up. “I don’t have the whole story. LeAndre actually had two guns. The BB and another one that’s convertible from toy to real. That one was still in his pants. Doesn’t matter. What I need is for you to get your kids under control because there’s a reason this happened in your room and not in one of the other classrooms.”

“The reason is,” I said, “I’m the one with a child who is just this side of certifiable. I love LeAndre, I feel bad for him, but he’s not normal. I can’t get his mother to come in to see me or call me back. Maybe now he’ll be expelled and get help before he kills someone.”

“I wouldn’t count on that.”

“Which part of that?”

“LeAndre won’t be expelled. There are many reasons not to take that action. What good will it do him to sit at home all day, not learning anything? We can service him here.”

“He talks to clouds at recess,” I said. “He has conversations with himself all day. And not the kind you and I have when we’re trying to remember what we need at the grocery store. I swear there is something really wrong with him.”

Klein thrust his hand into the air again. “I’ll see you first thing Monday, Carolyn Jenkins,” he said. “And, for the last time, when I give the Lincoln thumbs-up—” he shoved his thumb nearly into my chest “—I don’t care if you’re in the grip of a stroke, I expect you to return the gesture.”

Oh, yeah. I’ve got the perfect gesture for you, buddy boy.

**

Two hours into my three-hour meeting with parents, police and suited men with thick, gold-plated pens, I realized Toots, the nurse, wasn’t going to swoop in and provide me with any sort of medical care. So while enjoying a lovely interrogation as to my role in the shooting, I rehung my Terrible Towel and fashioned a bandage from Kleenex and Scotch tape.

Once everyone had left, I was ready for a drink. Okay, ten drinks in a dank bar where I was a stranger, where I wouldn’t have to rehash the shooting. There was nothing like a good mulling over of Lincoln Elementary events in the company of my roommates. But as I limped to my car, a no longer frequent, but still familiar blue mood bloomed inside me.

It stopped me right there in the parking lot. I’d forgotten how the dread felt, that it actually came with warmth that almost made me welcome it. Driving down the boulevard, I decided not to go to the Green Turtle to meet Laura, Nina and my boyfriend, Alex. I wanted to be alone at The Tuna, the bar where nobody knew my name.

**

I drove my white Corolla to The Tuna and pondered my most recent teaching experience. Two months ago I’d been busy dreaming about saving the world and such. Man, those were the days. This afternoon’s event did not resemble my educational pipedreams in the least. I couldn’t stop replaying the shooting in my head.

Okay, so LeAndre hadn’t been aiming at me. And the bullet had only grazed my toe (but ruined one of my beautiful patent leather Nine West boots) and the bullet was actually a BB, but still, I’d been shot and frankly, it offended me. I loved those kids and apparently that meant shitola to them.

The further I drove from the school, the more I realized each and every county administrator and police official who’d interviewed me had implied I was somehow responsible for being shot by a disgruntled fifth grader. That left me feeling like I’d undergone a three-hour gynecological exam. The only logical next step was to get drunk.

Once in the parking lot of The Tuna, I shuffled across the pitted asphalt, squeezing in between a splotchy Chevy Nova and a glistening, black BMW. I paused and looked back at the vehicle. Who the hell came to The Tuna in a BMW? What did it matter?

Inside, I fussed with my purse while giving my eyes a chance to adjust to the murky atmosphere. The thick beer stench—the good kind—loosened the grasp of self-pity that had taken hold of me. I wove through mismatched tables and snaked a path to the roughhewn pine bar. The thunk of billiard balls punctuated quiet rhythms wafting from the jukebox. Several men cloistered at one end of the bar sent assorted, non-verbal hellos my way.

Before I reached my stool, the bartender I’d met the week before—the one with the sausage arms, overstuffed midsection and blazing red buzz cut—cracked a Coors Light and set it at my seat. I chugged the ice-glazed beer and swallowed the unladylike burp bubbling in my belly.

I blew out some air and thought about the day. Crap Quotient: 10/10. At least that bad. I’d coined the phrase Crap Quotient (C.Q.) after spending an entire day in grad school with a head cold, zero ability to smell and a hunk of dog crap on the bottom of my shoe. I’d traipsed around campus without any sweet soul letting me know I’d become the embodiment of the word stink.

I glanced at the hefty barkeep. He cracked a second beer before I had to ask. There was something precious about not knowing the person’s name that knew the beer you wanted at exactly the moment you needed it. I raised the bottle to salute him. He smiled while drying glasses and silverware. I wondered if that was part of the attraction promiscuous girls felt toward anonymous lovers. It was a near-miracle that a relative stranger could serve you in some perfect way even for a short time.

I plucked at the sweaty label on the bottle with my nail, thinking about Nina and Laura, my sisters in education. The greatest roommates a girl could have, except they were forever including my boyfriend, Alex, in everything we did. I’d have to get rid of Alex if I were to reap the full benefits of having such terrific friends. Alex and I were simply not a fit and me wishing exceptionally hard that I’d fall back in love with him wasn’t going to make it happen.

Because I’d missed lunch, the beer quickly did its job at anesthetizing me and eliminating the sensation that my skin had been removed and reattached with dental floss. A dark haired man slid onto the stool next to me. Great. Some slack-ass cozying up after the kind of day I had? I watched him in the blotchy, antique mirror across from us. He ordered a Corona then minded his own beeswax, thus, instantly becoming interesting. He was dressed in jeans and a blue, wide-ribbed turtleneck sweater, and his wavy hair whispered around his ears and neck. This was a guy with purpose, I could tell. I could feel it.

I admired someone who could communicate with nothing more than his appearance and manner—someone who had his shit together. That was exactly why we could never be a pair. I knew nothing about who I was. My shit was all over the place. Still, I was drawn to him as though we’d been destined to meet. I studied him. Maybe thirty-five years old. The cutest thirty-five-year-old ever.

This guy got points for reminding me of my eleventh grade creative writing teacher, Mr. Money. We girls had sat in class and fantasized that while reading our words, Mr. Money was falling in love with each of us.

The Mr. Money parked beside me in The Tuna made the air crackle and me want to grind my pelvis into his.

“All the parts there?” He swigged his beer.

“Hmm?” I swiveled to face him, studying his profile.

“I’d say take a picture, but that’d be wickedly clichéd.” He turned fully toward me. His knees touched mine, sending sizzling energy through my body. I shivered. I was in love. I clutched my chest where just hours before, searing, crisis-induced heartburn had made its mark. Now there was a good old-fashioned swell of infatuation.

“That’s a good one,” I said. We lingered, staring at each other, his direct gaze making me feel as though I’d come out of a coma to see the world in a new way. I turned back to the mirror and stared at him in the reflection again. He slumped a bit, and looked into his beer in that brooding way that made men attractive and women reek of need.

I searched for something interesting to say to a guy like this. I had nothing. If I couldn’t converse with a perfectly good stranger in a perfectly dingy bar, would I ever control my life? I didn’t have to marry the guy. Just have a freaking conversation about nothing. Not school, not my students, not my principal. Just brainless talk. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like tossing myself off the Key Bridge.

I swiveled toward him again. “Okay. I’ve had a hairy day and now I’m here and you’re here, too. Wearing those fantastic, understated cowboy boots. You don’t look like a cowboy. And your sweater and jeans—all blend to create a look of nonchalance.” I circled my finger through the air. “A man unconcerned, I might say.”

His profile, as he smiled, absorbed me. I could feel him watching me in the mirror.

“Hmm.” Mr. Money emptied his Corona.

“That’s all you have to say?” I said.

“That’s it.” He swung the bottle between thumb and forefinger in a silent signal to the bartender, who brought him another one.

“Humph.” I swiveled back toward the mirror and peeled the entire Coors Light label from the bottle in one piece. I must be losing my looks—the most important component of my Hot Factor. A person’s H-Factor (which was sometimes influenced by the level of her Crap Quotient, though not always) rated her appearance, potential for success, attitude toward life and sense of humor in one easy-to-digest number. One’s H-Factor was simply a person’s market potential.

I was never the girl who drew the most attention in the room with an effervescent personality or magnificent golden locks, but I was pretty. When attempting to discern her own H-Factor, a girl had to be brutal about her shortcomings, but glory in her strengths. And like my roommate, Laura, who had an irrefutable IQ of 140, I had indisputable good-lookingness.

“Your lips. They’re nice,” Money said. We made eye contact in the mirror. “Boldly red,” he said, “but not slathered with bullshit lip gloss. Perfect.” He sipped his beer.

“That’s better,” I said. “Mind if I call you Money?”

“What?” He gave me the side-eye.

“Nothing. An inside joke. So you’re okay with it, right?”

“Inside with whom?”

“With me,” I said.

“Very odd.”

His lips flicked into a smile that flipped my stomach.

“What do you do?” He swigged his beer.

“FBI.” I shrugged.

He chuckled. The corners of his friendly eyes, with their tiny crow’s feet, were not the mark of the twenty-three-year-old guys I usually spent time with. I wanted to kiss those paths of history, absorb some wisdom.

“I’m serious,” I said. I feigned maturity by tensing every muscle I could.

“That’s perfect,” he said. “I’ll go with it, Miss FBI. I’ll go along with your charade, but you have to do me a favor.”

“Sure. Though I really am in the FBI. Rest assured.” I held up my foot. “See that hole? I took a bullet. Today, right through the leather.”

He leaned over, glimpsing my boot, for two seconds. “That’s a hole all right. Looks like a small caliber. Very, very small.”

My face warmed. I didn’t respond. An FBI agent wouldn’t need to. Besides it was a bullet hole.

Money pulled a box of cigarettes from his pocket and emptied four joints onto the bar. “Tonight is kind of a thing for me,” he said. “Don’t make me smoke dope alone.”

I didn’t think anyone should have to do anything alone if he didn’t want to. As an only child, I knew sometimes a person just didn’t want to be alone.

Money shuffled the doobs around. I never smoked pot. It just wasn’t me. At one point I’d gone through this whole, “I’m going to marry a politician” phase that precluded doing anything that could remotely harm my unknown, future hubby’s rep. A real barrel of laughs.

Now, what if I got caught? A teacher smoking dope in a public place. What did I really have to lose? I’d been shot, for Christ’s sake. Screw it. Live like I’m serious about it.

“I’m off duty,” I said. “Really, what’s the diff between a few beers and a few joints? Other than a pesky law or two. For your ‘thing,’ whatever that is. I’ll do—”

He put the joint to my lips and lit the match, shutting me up.

Just a half hour later, an easy, goofy smile covered my face. I could feel its clumsiness and see its warmth in that mirror. Sort of.

We talked, we didn’t talk. The silence was spectacularly warm. I still didn’t even know his real name, but we connected in a way that almost made me cry. Sappy, cheesy, whatever people might say. It’s exactly what happened and I’d swear on Bibles and whatever else carried that type of weight that sitting in that bar, I experienced a genuine, once-in-a-lifetime soul slip. Sitting there with him, newly acquainted, feeling like reunited friends.

And that meant it was the perfect time to leave. Mid soul slip, before things slid back to normal. Perhaps if I left at that point, a bit of him would go with me. To keep for later when real life bore down.

I called a cab. There were just so many laws I was willing to break at one time. Going home made me think of Alex. I’d forgotten about him. Proving it was time to break up. Finally, I was sure.

“Cab’s here, Sweetie,” the bartender said.

“Thanks.” What to do about Money? I’d never see him again if I didn’t act. But it wasn’t like perfect would last past these few minutes, anyway.

“Give me your number, Money.” I controlled my voice as it wavered.

He stood and shoved his hands in his pockets. His brown eyes shone in the darkness of the bar. He stared at me as though giving up his number was akin to sharing state secrets.

“I don’t know what this thing of yours was,” I said. “But you can’t take my pot-smoking virginity and not give me your number or tell the story behind the whole, glum guy with the cool boots, alone in a dive bar on Friday night. It’s simply not done.”

“Give me your number,” he said.

“No.”

He looked at his feet.

What could he be thinking? He was no spring chicken. Married? No ring.

He reached across the bar to grab a cardboard coaster, wrote on it, took my hand and wrapped my fingers around it. His gaze penetrated my insides, making me shudder as he nested my hand in his. I didn’t want to look away, but I had to see his hands around mine, to memorize the shape and what they said about him.

“There’s something sad about you,” Money said. “In a nice way.” He took my other hand and I swear he started to put it to his lips before he dropped both of them and sat back down on his stool. “See ya. Careful on that case of yours. I’d hate to hear you’d been shot again.”

“No need to worry, Money. Not to worry at all.”

And I sauntered toward the cabbie, hoping I could do just that.

Chapter 2

On the drive home from The Tuna, the cabbie rambled about all the benefits of living in various parts of Maryland, the Washington Redskins and the traffic over the Bay Bridge. Only blocks from the house I rented with my roommates and boyfriend, a car swerved in our lane. We nearly entered some guy’s home through his front window before whipping back onto the road and picking off the mailbox. I ricocheted from one side of the cab to the other.

Out of the cab, standing safely in front of my house, I slung my purse over my shoulder and patted the outside pocket where I’d hidden the coaster on which Money had written his number. I recalled the soul slip, the wholeness I’d felt.

I dug my fingers inside the pocket to nestle the coaster down deep where Alex would never see it and I could always find it. I closed my eyes against the crisp night wind that lifted my hair and cooled my hot neck. Where was it? I dug deeper into the pocket. Maybe I’d put it in the main compartment. Under the street lamp, I fell to the sidewalk, emptied my purse and sifted through lip liner, mascara, pencils, a notebook, and receipts. The coaster was gone. Gone. Gone.

Kneeling there, I ran my hands through my hair, too tired to feel anything other than spiky pebbles under my knees and a familiar “it figures” sensation. I always lost stuff. Disorganization and I were partners in life, but losing a piece of cardboard the size of a steno pad inside of five minutes was bad, even for me.

Everything back in the purse, I stood, chuckling. Through the bay window in the wood-sided Victorian I shared with Nina, Laura, and sometimes Alex, I could see them laughing their asses off about something.

My teeth chattered. Nina and Laura were the siblings I’d never had. Our friendship was like an afghan, providing warmth, but enough space between the fibers for each of us to have our own personalities, to get some air.

Alex waved to them then moved out of my view. Laura and Nina repeatedly mimed something, falling together, laughing some more. The light in my bedroom flicked on. Alex stood in the window, took off his shirt and yanked another one back over his head. He moved out of sight. Got into bed, probably.

When I pictured Alex in my life, I wanted to cut around his body with an X-Acto knife, extricating him from the image cleanly, painlessly. But that kind of removal was far too neat for the likes of me. I’d spent the last year wanting to be in love with him again, trying to ignore that we were unsuited for each other in every way. Tonight at The Tuna, everything had changed. There was no going back. The whole soul slip deal pushed the breakup from someday to pending.

I stepped inside the door and choking laughter greeted me. Laura and Nina recounted some story about beer coming out of one guy’s nose and spraying over the top of some other guy’s toupee. The story wasn’t all that terrific, but their laughter infected me.

They questioned me about my whereabouts, the meandering message I’d left on the machine. I waved them off, telling them I’d fill them in on everything in the morning. They were drunk enough to take my physical wellbeing as evidence I was the same person I’d been when I left for work that morning. And so they tripped off to their beds and I to mine.

I pulled on sweats and snuck into bed, barely moving the mattress. I hung off the edge, my back to Alex, hoping he was already asleep. But it only took a minute for him to mold his body around mine. His clammy foot touched mine, making me cringe. So far, no noticeable erection, thank goodness.

It was wrong to not just break up with him. Back in my undergrad years, I thought he hadn’t loved me enough. But as soon as I got tired of his wandering eye and cooled off toward him, he finally decided he was in love. By then it was too late.

He flopped his arm across my side, pulling me further into his body. His hot, boozy breath saturated the back of my neck. I held mine, waiting for Alex’s trademark heavy rhythms that would guarantee he was asleep and I wouldn’t have to have sex with him or be forced into avoiding it.

His hand crept up my stomach toward my breast. I shrugged it off, employing my own (fake) version of sleep breathing. I wanted to leave my body and start a new life somewhere else.

He nuzzled closer, kissing my neck in a way that felt more like licking. I stiffened then phonied up a snore.

“Mmm…Carolyn. I missed you. Here, let me see you, I missed you.” He rolled me onto my back. I kept my face toward the dresser, where stacks of teaching manuals teetered on the edge. I gave a full-slumber groan.

He slurped at my cheek, my neck, my shoulder. His hand caressed my breast and then he pinched my nipple.

“Jeeze,” I elbowed him away. “That hurt, Alex. Jesus, I’m asleep.”

“You never complained before,” he said. I could feel his face hanging over me, breathing into my ear, whistling like a hurricane.

I glanced at him then looked away again. “I’m pretty sure I never thought one caress and a nipple squeeze was a good thing.”

His whiskey breath slipped into my nostrils. He rubbed up against me.

“I’m tired, Alex. I had a terrible day and I just want to sleep.”

He stilled, his face hung above me. “Fine. Just don’t expect me to up and have sex with you the next time you’re in the mood.”

I turned to him and stared at the angular bones, the strength meshed with sweetness that I knew lived beneath his skin, the combination that used to make me crumble with love and ache to have him love me back. But at that moment, examining that same face, a continent of space between us wasn’t enough. Everything about him seemed wrong.

I looked away.

Alex slammed his body back on the bed. “This isn’t like you, Carolyn. And if you push me too far I’ll be out the door. You’re not a cold person, but fuck, you’re looking like one and I… Just fuck it.”

I winced at every word, unwilling to engage further. Two minutes later, he was snoring. This left me relieved and sad, but at least I could breathe again. I’d like to say our relationship exploded into that mess, but it didn’t. It sort of collapsed, both of us letting pieces of it fall away until we suffocated under the brokenness. At least I was suffocating.

And yet I was mired in the crap of indecision. If I couldn’t love him the way I used to, why hadn’t I just moved on already?

I felt bad knowing I had to break up with Alex, but it wasn’t the first time I considered the fact he didn’t really love me either, not in that genuine soul slip kind of way. I’d never be what he wanted in a woman. He was simply afraid of change and saw me as good enough. I frustrated him as much as he bored me. He hated that I hated cooking. He wanted me in an apron, elbow deep in cooking oil. Please. I was not that kind of girl. We were not that kind of match. He’d be relieved when we broke up.

I curled into myself and pulled the pillow over my head to block out the sound of his ragged breathing. Mentally, I went back to The Tuna, watched Money’s hand slip over mine, excited by the prospect of someone new. Someone mysterious.

But the coaster. Shit. How’d I lose it? It must have flown out of my purse in the cab. If things were meant to be different, the coaster would’ve been tucked in my purse, waiting to be sprung into action instead of knocking around in the back of some taxi.

**

I woke at 7:00 a.m. as Alex’s mucousy rasps hammered through my skull. With no chance of falling back asleep, I showered and thought about the shooting. I had to call my parents and tell them what happened. They’d want to know that I was okay. And I needed my mother. Like all daughters, I needed some reassurance that she believed in me in spite of my failures. I wanted to know that she didn’t think I’d made the wrong decision in becoming a teacher. I hoped that in this one phone call she would be the mother I needed her to be.

“Oh, hey, Carolyn,” my mother said over the phone. I recognized the rushed tenor. They were probably heading to breakfast at O’Reilly’s. If you didn’t get there by eight, you had to wait an hour for a seat. That would set off a series of unlucky events that might span weeks, at least. Don’t ask.

“I know,” I said. “You’re running out the door, right?”

“Oh, Carolyn. Don’t be snippy, please?”

“I’m being morose. Did the tone not come through?”

“Carolyn.” My mother sighed.

“Mom,” I said.

We were silent for nine seconds. It was my job to let her go without making her feel guilty. “All right, Mom. Call me back later. It’s nothing. Unless Dad’s there. Is Dad right there?”
“Nope. In the car, engine running, Madame Butterfly cranked. You know him. We’ll be back in two hours. Call us then, at the normal time. Love you Caro, darling. Love you truly.”

Yeah, right. I slammed the phone harder than I should have and caused a faint echo of the bell to rise from it. Was I the only person in the world who couldn’t count on her mother? I adored my parents in a complicated, resentment-infused way. They thought I was all right. I know, I know, boo-hoo. Until Laura, Nina, and I started living together, I’d always felt as though I were a puzzle piece tucked inside the wrong box. With them I finally belonged.

I’d like to be able to say my frequent moodiness stemmed from a childhood of slumbering in cold gutters, draped with trash bags, head pillowed on used diapers. But I’d managed to nurture such moods while in the embrace of a whole, middle-class family with parents who taught music and read compulsively.

I knew I shouldn’t complain. My parents were one of eleven couples in America who had been in love the entire length and depth of their relationship. Love like that is insane and almost unattainable but there it was with my very own parents. I was sure if I had siblings, I would have appreciated their relationship more. If I’d had siblings, I wouldn’t have always felt like an outsider in my own family.

My father was more affectionate than my mom, more interested in me, and more loving, when I really got down to it. He’d always filled in the gaps for her and when she could and was in the mood, she’d be warm, too. It was as though from time to time she awoke and realized I might need her to confide in, to go to for help, to have fun with. She seemed to struggle or wasn’t interested in offering any of the stuff other mothers seemed to do naturally with their daughters. I should have been used to it and satisfied with all my father did to bridge our gap, but I still wanted my mom’s approval over his.

Teaching—making a substantial difference in the world—was supposed to be the perfect thing to impress my parents. And teaching in a school where twelve out of twenty-four teachers were replaced each year would make my victory actually seem victorious. I’d do something good for the world (something I’d wanted to do since I was seven) and end up providing my parents with a true, important story. I would be the character they’d want to read about. Except things didn’t seem headed in the direction of me becoming an Educational Power Broker anymore. And that pretty much sucked.

**

Nina, Laura and I snuck out of the house before Alex awoke. By 8:45 Saturday morning we were cocooned in a booth at the Silver Diner. We perched next to the beverage station, close enough that we could serve ourselves when running low on the thermonuclear java that would see us past hangovers and into a day of lesson planning.

The girls bombarded me with questions about the gun, my foot, Klein’s latest abuses and where the hell I’d been all night. Saying I’d spent the evening at The Tuna put an end to that line of questioning. They’d never suspect, for many reasons, that I’d met someone interesting there.

“LeAndre’s loonier than a stuck pig. But a gun?” Laura drawled, drawing the word gun into twenty-three Southern syllables.

“Two guns,” I said, “though I only saw one. A BB-gun and some other thingy the cops said was a convertible. You can change it from shooting toy blanks to real bullets. Don’t ask me how that’s possible.”

“LeAndre needs a good ass-whooping.” Nina smacked her hands together. “When he comes off suspension, I’ll accidentally pelt him with the dodge ball a few times. Just for you, my sister.”

“Sweet child of Mary,” I said. “You can’t just pelt kids with fucking balls.”

“F-word.” Nina held her hand up. I pushed it down. She used every other swear word without hesitation, like the girl who’ll have every sexual experience known to man except traditional intercourse and call herself a virgin.

“The Lord—” Nina said.

“Bag the Lord stuff. For the love of God,” I said. My hangover was gnawing away at my nice-girlness.

Nina looked at me, eyebrows raised. She dug her fingers into her short, tight curls and twirled a section of it around her forefinger. I knew she was silently saying my prayers wouldn’t have a shot in hell of being answered. Laura, a full-blooded virgin, nodded. She always agreed with anyone who suggested taking the pristine, ladylike path in life.

Laura and I went to college together and then earned our Master of Arts in Teaching degrees there, but we became especially close once we realized we’d have to move to an unfamiliar state to get teaching jobs.

In Pittsburgh there were no jobs to get. The jobs there were too comfortable for most teachers to retire and they certainly didn’t quit. But, the Maryland/D.C. border was fairly bursting with positions.

Laura and I had met Nina at our new teacher workshops. Twenty-four years old, she exemplified the modern teacher: strong, knowledgeable, and confident. Trouble with her was she didn’t really deserve all that confidence. She didn’t know a whole lot about anything other than sports.

Oh, she’d kick my ass for saying that, but still. Sometimes the truth hurts. Nina talked with administrators as easily as friends, and never seemed unnerved or flummoxed by the odd situations at our school. It was as though she’d already taught for twenty years but still actually liked it. Even with all those admirable attributes, she sometimes wore an abrasive arrogance that could put off new friends. Me? I appreciated it most of the time.

“You need to toughen up.” Nina pointed her fork at me. “You’re the boss of those kids.” She broke into a broad smile. Not one blemish or laugh line marred her beautiful, cocoa skin. She could pass for a high school kid if she needed to.

“You mean,” I said, “I should pelt my kids with dodge balls? Maybe chuck a stapler or pair of scissors at them? I can’t get away with showing them I’m the boss like some people can.”

“Like the music and physical education teachers? I overheard you say that one time.” Nina said.

My head swam with fatigue and Coors Light. And thoughts of Money. But I couldn’t share him just yet. Ever really, because there was nothing to share. Had he really been there? Nina’s accusatory gaze pushed me further into our script.

“Honestly? Yes. You, the gym teacher, can get away with a lot more than a classroom teacher. The kids love gym. Let me see you teach them reading once and we’ll see who has trouble keeping a lid on things.”

“Physical education teacher.” Nina squinted at me.

“Same thing,” I said.

“No it’s not,” Nina said. “But you have to—”

“Nina,” I hissed. “A kid BB’d up my foot and Klein yelled at me for six hours. Suffice it to say my Crap Quotient’s high and anxiety-inducing.” My hands shook as I sipped coffee, then slammed the cup back onto the saucer.

“Your H-Factor ain’t setting the world on fire either.” Nina leaned forward.

“Really? You think so?”

“Nina,” Laura said. “Be like the old lady who fell out of the wagon.” Laura’s back straightened and her accent thickened. She was not a fan of a good argument between great friends.

Nina got up to get the coffee carafe. She shook her butt as she traipsed away. She looked back over her shoulder. “You just need to get to know the kids and their culture a little bit more. Read an article or two on race.”

I nodded. If only there was time to read such things. “But we have white kids, too.” I shook a sugar packet. Laura took it from me and put it back in the jar. I shrugged. “Katya’s white. Her mother is a wreck and her dad’s in jail. I know race is important, but it’s not race that keeps my kids from reading. Clearly it’s not that. I think they would have mentioned that in our coursework, if it were the case.”

Laura rubbed my back. “Everything’s going to be fine. You’re a great teacher.”

“Yeah, I don’t know. It’s hard to be good when on top of teaching, you have to run some sort of combination psychiatric ward-slash-parole office-slash-jail and social work operation.”

“You worry too much, is all,” Laura said. “Now let’s talk about household chores…”

I shook my head. Laura needed people to tell how to do stuff like study, clean, straighten out their lives. And sometimes it suited me to be that person—especially at times like this.

For hours we sat and talked. I was grateful to no longer be talking about job woes. We bickered back and forth and finally, forever forward, Nina and I shot down her weekly chores idea. There was a lot of other nothing discussed. These moments lifted the dread brought on by all the ways I was unsure of life.

I tried to remember exactly when our friendship had locked into place like a steering wheel on a car. It didn’t matter when it had happened because the friendship had formed and in it, I felt fitted.

… Continued…

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When the seemingly perfect life of carefree teenager Myla Pickins changes overnight, will she be forced to reveal the shocking secret she’s hidden so well?

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Here’s the set-up:

Myla Pickins was the average carefree teenager living what seemed to be the perfect life. With successful family in the food industry, a fun-spirited best friend, and the love & attention of almost every high school girl’s dream guy, life couldn’t be more rewarding-that is until devastating news abruptly halts her fun. While eventually accepting the upcoming role of motherhood and with the support of her parents and boyfriend, Bernard, Myla begins to understand the changes she needs to make to improve her life. But the story is just beginning to unfold.

After hearing at her first prenatal care visit that she is farther along in her pregnancy than she thought; she realizes that her boyfriend Bernard may not be the father. No one knew that she was holding on to a very dark secret. She was attacked while taking a walk alone after a disagreement with her boyfriend. She ran away to a distant aunt to avoid telling anyone-afraid her secrets of being with Bernard would be revealed. That shocking secret will turn her world upside-down and force her to make decisions she never imagined. Although very close to breaking under pressure, she found the strength to move forward.

Myla takes another shot at love. Having a new love in her life seemed to be all it took for her to help her to become numb to her past and smile again. But her gradual climb to finding happiness is interrupted. She tries to put her past behind her but she’s realizes that the more things change, the more they remain the same. Just when she thought she would be able to move forward in her life from her past that weighed her down-more problems surface, one after another. Then she’s faced with having to accept a twenty year old secret that literally knocks her off her feet. She starts to feel as if happiness isn’t meant for her. But out of all her problems, none hit her harder than what she finds out during a family meeting. It is deeper and way more painful than anything she has ever experienced.

Yet again, she struggles with having to find strength to move forward. Read along to see if Myla will ever find peace!

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“The things Myla had to endure touched close to home for me…”

an excerpt from

Echo Of Her Cry

by Jamie Jones

 

Copyright © 2014 by Jamie Jones and published here with her permission

PROLOGUE

No One Should EVER Have to End up Here

I LAY FACEDOWN on the concrete. Bloody, bruised, crying, struggling to stand . . . Where am I? Who can I call for help? Immediately a vision of my cell phone popped into my head. I saw it just where I left it—in Benny’s room. I crawled, finding the strength to rise to my feet. I wasn’t very familiar with the location, but I thought it was close to my cousin’s house. I managed to hail a taxi that was leaving the neighborhood.

It felt as though only seconds had passed as the driver parked. I limped until houses were within view. Thankfully, the neighborhood was way closer to Dennis’s than I thought. Staggering, I headed down the street, constantly looking over my shoulder, hoping they were not behind me. The very thought forced me to try my hardest to run, regardless of the pain. Weak and numb from walking, my legs gave way, forcing me to the ground. The initial shock of the pavement crashing into my face left me breathless, so breathless I just lay still, seeking temporary comfort in the immobility. The comfort lasted but a second as thoughts of my attackers finding me rudely jolted me to my feet. The next few moments were a blur, but I was thankful to find myself at Dennis’s doorstep.

Ding-dong.

Screams of terror fired from the mouth of his wife, Joanna, at the sight of my bloody and swollen face. I still remember that horrific moment like yesterday. Like a CD spinning on repeat, it plays over and over and over in my head.

CHAPTER 1

Can’t Live with ’Em,
Can Hardly Live without ’Em

I‘M MYLA PICKINS. I’m nineteen years old, and I’m a native of Atlanta, Georgia. This story is part of my therapy. I’m writing it because it is my way of expressing what I’ve gone through, what I’m going through, and where I’d like to be. I would also like other young girls to be able to relate to my experience, to know they are not alone, and to never feel ashamed. I titled it, Echo of Her Cry—her referring to me, of course. An echo is symbolic of a repetition. My echo symbolizes constant crying. Think of how crying eventually fades. It’s all a part of my healing process! I’m still working up the courage to free myself of anything negative that I’ve allowed to paralyze my growth, though. Humph. I’ve got a long, long way to go.

Enough about that right now. I graduated from high school last year, which was a huge accomplishment for me. Yea! My parents are Deanna and Clive Pickins. They are both professional chefs. I didn’t grow up within a certain religion, but I was raised to have morals and common sense. My parents are very traditional. When they are home, it’s mandatory for us to eat our breakfast and dinner as a family. They totally speak against premarital sex, and any guy I talk to, even if we’re just friends, will be thoroughly interrogated by my dad, who, might I add, looks quite intimidating. He’s 6 foot 3 and weighs over 400 pounds. My mom, on the other hand, is 5 foot 6, has silky brown skin, and is kind of heavyset. She has the biggest, most beautiful brown eyes. My dad always tells the story of how her eyes caught his attention from across the room when they first met, not to mention her glowing personality.

Speaking of personality, let’s rewind to four years ago. I was fifteen in the tenth grade. My personality has always been very outgoing, and when I wanted something, I usually just went for it. You can say I’m very confident. I’m sassy but extra classy. I’m an average height with a medium frame. I hope I don’t sound too conceited by stating I’m shaped like the number eight. “Booyah!” Just kidding. I love myself, but I’m far from snooty. I get my skin and eyes from my mom. My natural hair is shoulder-length, but I begged my parents quite often for extensions. Sometimes they gave in to the idea, but for the most part, my mom encouraged me to embrace my youth as much as possible. I can’t shake the feeling of my hair flowing in the wind. It makes me feel like the girls in the videos, and what makes it even better is that guys at my school always told me I was pretty and that I belong in a video anyway. Pretty cool, huh?

Well, it was the last day of school; I was hanging with my best friend, Benita. Now she’s what you call wild. She’s very cocky, too. She’s on the slim side, very tall, and even resembles Tyra Banks a little. When we first met, we didn’t get along, but the more we got to know each other, the more we became inseparable. We were always together. When you saw her, you saw me. Vice versa. I had a crush on her next-door neighbor, also a student at our school, and he made it clear that he felt the same way about me. Anyway, Benita said she would give us some space while she chatted on the phone with her boyfriend. First of all, her mom, Miss Terri, was supposed to be watching us, but she trusted us enough to give us space to have a little fun around the house or in her yard while she took a nap. I mean, we’d never given her a reason not to trust us, so we made it quite easy to blink and not make her feel like she had to keep a close eye on us.

My parents were in California on a cooking assignment for a special event. My mother trusted Miss Terri because she had met her and because of my friendship with Benita.

Back to my crush—snow-white teeth, mesmerizing smile, chocolate skin, pipin’ arms, buff chest, low haircut, even with his hat . . . oh-so-heavenly cute! Bernard Lewis. He’s what I considered perfect. He was very popular at our school. I wouldn’t be surprised if every girl daydreamed about him. He was just that handsome. Everybody called him Benny. He was two years older than me, which made him seventeen. He had a very laid-back attitude. Nothing seemed to bother him, and he spoke in one even tone the majority of the time. There was something about his nonchalant attitude that I just couldn’t get enough of.

Well, anyway, he was at home with his older brother. But that didn’t matter. His brother allowed him to do anything he wanted to do. Very weird guy. He never spoke to me; he would just open the door and call Benny to the front of the house. So this being the last day of school, I went over to Benny’s house to talk. He invited me into his bedroom. I was a little nervous at first, but I proceeded because I really liked the guy. I mean, I say crush but dang, we’d been knowing each other for two years so we weren’t necessarily strangers. We used to hang out at our school in study hall all the time. As we sat on the bed, we talked about getting to know each other on a personal level. That conversation must have lasted about an hour. I was starting to get nervous that Miss Terri was up from her nap, and that feeling intensified when my cell phone rang. It was Benita.

“My mom is wanting to know where you are. I told her you went to speak to your aunt for a minute and that you were gonna head back shortly.”

She cleared her throat and coughed. That was our cover code. When we were covering for each other, we would clear our throat and cough so the other would know to play along. I didn’t have an aunt that stayed nearby. Benita knew, but Miss Terri didn’t, and that’s all that mattered. Although I had a cousin she’d met before who lives around the corner, I wasn’t going to risk saying his name and have her possibly call and check. Miss Terri grabbed the phone from Benita.

“Myla, now you know better, young lady. You need to get back now! I’m responsible for you!”

“Yes! Umm . . . I’m at my aunt’s, but I’ll be back shortly.”

“If you’d rather stay there, you and I need to clear that up with your mom.”

“No. I’m on my way!” I yelled nervously.

She handed the phone back to Benita while stating in the background that she was headed to the grocery store and that her oldest daughter was on her way.

As nervous as I was feeling, I wasn’t leaving Benny anytime soon. And knowing Miss Terri was headed to the store made me even less nervous. I had more time on my hands. I was always a risk taker, especially when it came to Benny.

“Where does your aunt stay?”

“I don’t have an aunt in this area.”

He laughed, “Y’all are some risky girls. I would love to see the look on your face if she asked your mama about her.”

Putting my hand on my chest, I let out a nervous laugh. “Don’t say that! I would just faint.”

Even knowing Benita’s sister was on her way didn’t bother me. She was similar to Benny’s brother, seemed like. She didn’t care what Benita and I did as long as we were safe. As I watched from the window as Miss Terri backed out of the driveway, I resumed my conversation with Benny. He started smiling as he grabbed my arm.

“So I’m gonna get right to the point. I like you.”

I blushed trying not to laugh and replied shyly, “I know you do. I like you, too.”

Trying to pretend I wasn’t excited about him liking me, I looked away, played with my hair a bit, and put my hand on my hip.

“I’m going to head back next door before Miss Terri gets back, but I would like to exchange numbers.”

He slowly looked me up . . . and down.

“What are you rushing for? We got time. Just chill for a minute.”

I agreed that I would stay a little while longer.

“So, Myla, tell me what kinds of things you like to do for fun.”

“Well, because of my confident personality, it may be hard to believe that it’s something so simple; anything that involves people I love is priceless to me. Whether it’s going to a restaurant, attending a family get-together, having a girls’ night out or a picnic, it doesn’t matter. I’m very easy to please when it comes to recreation.”

He looked a little confused.

“So why would that be hard to believe? Because sometimes people confuse confidence with arrogance, which doesn’t describe me. I love myself, and I know what I want. That’s all there is to it.”

Just as I finished my sentence, I saw Benita’s sister driving into their driveway. I knew she wouldn’t mind my not being there, but I really felt the need to leave. Benny and I exchanged numbers before I walked out. We talked every day and every night. My parents knew nothing about him, and I wasn’t about to tell because according to them, dating too young or too long is too unhealthy. Needless to say, they wouldn’t approve of our communication. I loved talking to Benny. Sometimes we were on the phone so late we would fall asleep. There were countless nights I hid my phone under my pillow and pretended to be asleep if one of my parents walked in my room.

Two months had passed, and I decided to visit Benny one day—he had the house to himself. We made plans the night prior because he wasn’t going to be at school that day. One of my classmates stayed two streets over, so her bus would drop her off near Benny’s house. Knowing I wanted to ride her bus home, I wrote out a note and signed it myself because I knew the bus driver would ask to see one since I didn’t normally ride that bus. It was early dismissal, and my parents didn’t know. My plan was to pretend I forgot about early dismissal, then end up having to ride the bus to Benita’s. The truth is, Benita and her family were on vacation in their hometown, Chattanooga, Tennessee. My classmate’s mom was going to take me home that evening. My classmate had already asked, and I had lied to them too—all to see Benny. When I arrived at his door, the excitement beamed all over his face.

“You really did it! Girl, I tell ya.”

“Well, you didn’t come to school today. You know I had to see you.”

We continued to talk and laugh. We even ate pizza that he ordered. In the middle of one of our conversations a little later, he leaned in for a kiss, which led to him trying to undress me. I quickly stopped him, then hurried to button my shirt.

“I’m not ready for that yet.”

He seemed to be fine with my decision. Things were moving way too fast, and I was ready to go home. He understood. I felt ashamed, though. I always talked big talk about how I would be “down for whatever” and tried to come off even sassier and bolder to impress him; but when the moment arrived to prove it, I backed out. He gave me a kiss on the cheek. I headed around the corner to get my classmate’s mom to take me home.

CHAPTER 2

Tell Me Anything Else, Baby

FOUR MONTHS LATER, I was head over heels in love with my Benny. I felt very special when he graduated early. I was finally able to say I was dating a college boy. That was a popular thing around our school, to date someone in college. Some people would say it even if it weren’t true. But I was able to say it honestly. My college boy was going to school to get a degree in business. He didn’t know exactly what business he was most interested in because he had many interests, but he knew he wanted a business degree.

One very memorable Saturday, I asked my parents if I could go over to Benita’s.

“Her sister, Nina, will be there, Mom. I’m bored, and I had a very busy week at school. I just want to hang out. Please?”

She looked at my dad to get approval. Then she reached for her cell phone.

“Okay, but I need to talk with Miss Terri first.”

My parents were always a bit nervous about me going over to Miss Terri’s neighborhood, especially at night. It was rough on their side, completely opposite our area. But little did my parents know I fit right in; I was queen of the suburbs, then blended in when I was with Benny on his side. My mom called Miss Terri. She was at work but assured my mom that her oldest daughter was at home to keep an eye on us. My mom gathered her purse and keys to drop me off. When we arrived at Benita’s, my mom walked inside to speak to Nina. She didn’t carry on a conversation or feed her a million questions like I thought. Moments after she left, I ran next door.

Benny was home . . . alone. His parents were at work, and his brother was at his girlfriend’s house. Benny and I had the house all to ourselves. We sat on the couch in the living room and talked for a little while.

“How was your day?” I asked as I reached across him for the television remote. He leaned back removing his cap, rubbing the top of his head in a forward motion.

“Pretty good so far. I can’t complain.”

He asked me for the remote. Scrolling down the cable guide, he yawned, then looked at me.

“Ain’t nothing on, baby. You wanna go sit in my room?”

“I guess,” I said giving him a suspicious look.

He guided me to his room, then closed the door. He threw his body down, falling back on his bed patting a spot next to him where he wanted me to sit. I sat down looking around at his junky room.

“Tell me that’s not the same chip bag I saw last week by your lamp!”

We both laughed in unison. He then grabbed my arm to pull me closer to him and started rubbing my back slowly and gently. Then he reached a little further up and played with the back of my bra. I reached around to move his hand. He leaned closer to me.

“What’s wrong? I can’t touch you?”

I didn’t say anything. My heart started to speed up a little bit. “I’m ju—”

Before I could continue, he kissed me. It seemed like it would never end. I enjoyed every kiss we shared, but this time felt a little different. It was an amazing feeling, don’t get me wrong, but this was a feeling I had never experienced before. He stood and undressed himself. I started to get nervous again.

“Wait!” I belted. He ignored my request.

“Not this time,” he replied slyly.

He was obviously referring to the time we had gotten this far and I backed out. This time he refused to take no for an answer. I must admit, I began to feel comfortable as we progressed. I didn’t even flinch when he pulled out his protection. This was the greatest feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life, which was at the time, as you recall, only fifteen years. I can’t believe I . . . well, you know the rest. Afterward, we dressed, and I went back to Benita’s house.

I suddenly felt a little shaky. I started praying that no one would find out. I didn’t know how I would have explained anything to my parents at that moment. Later that night my mom came to pick me up. I was acting a bit distant because of the guilt and because of how dishonest I was being. It’s kind of crazy, though, because you would think that scary feeling would have been enough to stop me from doing the same thing all over again with Benny. But it wasn’t. He was my everything. We continued this way for the rest of the school year. By our fourth time of being intimate, we got really silly and stopped using protection. I guess that dumb move goes hand in hand with me being a risk taker. We were very much aware of the possible consequences, but we were so wrapped up in our love for each other that we overlooked them all.

AIDS? No. Another form of STD? No. Late period? Yes. I refused to believe that it was anything other than my irregular period once again. I expressed my concerns to Benny, but he sort of blew it off as another pregnancy scare being that I had about three prior to this one.

“Everything is fine, Myla. I’ll buy a test and have it waiting for you to take the next time you come over. Okay?”

“Okay,” I said in a daze.

Two days later I went to visit him. I wasn’t my regular upbeat self. How could I have been? I had too much on my mind. Benny had the pregnancy test waiting, ready for me to take right away. Without hesitation, I went into the bathroom ready to finally face the answer to the question that had been ruling my mind. Was I pregnant?

“Benny!” I yelled from the bathroom. “Do you have a plastic cup? I’d rather take the test that way.”

He knocked on the door. “Can I come in?”

“Yes!” I hollered.

“Why are you so loud, girl?” he said playfully.

I looked at him annoyed, frustration all over my face. “Not today, Benny, my nerves are bad.”

“OK,” he sighed. “Call me when you have the answer. I’m gonna run to the store right quick.”

“Uh-uh! You are NOT leaving me here alone. What if one of your people come?” I looked away exasperated.

“Well, hurry up so you can ride with me.”

Just as he turned to walk away, we heard a car in his front yard. He looked out of the window and tried to look calm, but I knew he was nervous.

“Ah, man! That’s my mama outside!”

I panicked.

“Stop playing, Benny! Tell me you’re lying!”

He grabbed my arm and pushed me into his closet. He was telling the truth after all. As I could hear his mom getting closer to his room, I remembered I left the test in the bathroom. I was sweating, hoping she wouldn’t go in there. His mom knocked on his door.

“Hey, Mama!”

“Hey. Where is your brother?”

“He went to his girlfriend’s house.”

“Well, I’m headed back to work. I just had to come home and get my wallet. I forgot to put it back in my purse yesterday, and I need to pick up dinner tonight after work.”

I was so relieved she was leaving. Benny told her to be careful and locked the door behind her. Then he made his way back into his room to release me from the closet.

“Whew! That was close!” he said pointing to the restroom. “You wanna take your test now so we can go?”

I bolted into the bathroom to resume taking my test. The closer I neared to the answer, the faster my heart beat. I laid the stick down flat on a napkin as I awaited the result. I was too afraid to turn around and look, so I just sat on the toilet holding my head down. I finally worked up the courage after ten minutes had passed. My heart sank when I read the word pregnant on the screen. I immediately burst in tears. Benny ran in already knowing the inevitable. He grabbed me and told me everything was going to be okay. Though he was speaking with confidence, I saw fear all over his face. My heart raced and nearly jumped through my chest. Questions, like bullets, shot through my brain. What am I going to do? I’m still in high school. Will I be able to graduate? What will my parents think? What about my future? When is the best time to tell my parents?

I jumped off the closed toilet, threw the test in the trash, washed my face, and told Benny I had to go home right away. I walked next door to ask Nina to take me home.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

“Yeah. Just sick. I need to go home and lie down.”

The fifteen-minute ride seemed like forever. As I walked to the front door and turned the key, I pulled the key back out to catch my breath. I was scared. How could I possibly hide what I was feeling? I opened the door and ran to my room. My parents were in the kitchen preparing dinner. How was I going to eat with my parents with this on my mind? I decided to pretend to be too sick to eat at the table—or at all, for that matter. I just didn’t have an appetite. When the food was ready my mom knocked on my door.

“It’s time to eat.”

“I’m not feeling well, Mom. I’ll eat later if that’s fine with you,” I said trying to hold my tears back.

“What’s wrong, Myla?” my mom said while searching me for the answer.

“I’ll be fine. I think I ate too much junk food today. I’ll be okay, though.”

“Well, take something for it and lie down.”

“OK, Mom. Thanks.”

As soon as she closed the door, I soaked my pillow with my tears. Moments later, I heard my cell phone ringing. It was Benny. I forwarded his call to voice mail; I didn’t want to talk to him. I suddenly began to feel some sort of anger toward him and other personal experiences that didn’t seem fair to me. I mean, look what I’ve done! I’m now the statistic my parents point out to me in the newspaper. I’m yet another single African American girl bringing a baby into the world without a husband. How could I be so stupid? Is it Benny’s fault? Why is this happening to me? Each thought pierced even more than the first. I decided to call Benny back. Besides, I loved him. We both put ourselves in this situation, and I was going to need him now more than ever.

“Did you tell your parents?” he shot out even before a hello.

“Of course not! Not this soon. I think I’m going to wait until I can’t hide it anymore, like right before I start to show.”

“How you gonna get to your doctor appointments?” he asked curiously.

“Benny, I can’t think about that right now.”

“No, you need to handle that.”

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right.

“I’ll tell them soon; just give me a couple of weeks.”

The next day I isolated myself from everyone. I had a feeling my parents suspected something was wrong. I tried to act as normal as I possibly could, but it was a huge challenge considering all I had on my mind.

Benita called to ask me if I wanted to go on their next family vacation. I turned down the invite.

“Hello, Myla? M to the Y to the L to the A? Is this you? Miss ‘get in where I fit in’?” Benita said jokingly but seriously.

Because my mind was elsewhere, I tuned her out. I appreciated her for wanting to include me, but I told her I’d call her back when I had the time. Later in the day, my parents were in the living room watching a movie and asked if I wanted to join them. I agreed. Silly me. I wanted to object, but they knew I loved watching movies; to turn them down would appear very strange. At least the movie kept them so engrossed they barely focused on my behavior. Halfway into the movie, I took advantage of the moment and excused myself.

“I’m headed to bed, Mom and Dad. I’m a little tired,” I mumbled as I sleepily yawned.

“OK! Good night!” they remarked simultaneously. “And don’t let the bedbugs bite!” they snickered.

My parents. They still see me as their “little Myla.” How will I ever tell them? I watched as they enjoyed the movie together, then slid into my room before my tears became visible. I called Benny. We talked for hours. He told me how he felt. He said he was nervous, but he knew he had to do what he had to do. He then listened to me cry and get everything off my chest.

“It’s sad that it had to take something like this for us to wake up and get it together,” I whined.

The conversation went from both of us talking to me throwing peevish complaints. I eventually calmed down, but it was too late for Benny.

“I’m done with that subject, Myla,” he said in a firm voice.

I didn’t make it a big deal, but I did get very aggravated. I just decided to let it go. Besides, I had more important things to deal with.

CHAPTER 3

Baby Love, My Baby Love . . . He Did WHAT?!?

THE MOMENT ARRIVED. Exactly two weeks from my positive pregnancy test, I awakened from a restless night dreading the inevitable. I called Benny, who helped calm my nerves a little. He reassured me that we would get through this. After a long prayer, I took a deep breath, then forced the first step toward the hardest thing I’ve had to face in my fifteen years of living. I walked out of my room and headed toward the kitchen to get a drink of water and scope the scene. My parents were on their cell phones taking business calls. I turned back around. I just can’t do this! I can’t! I don’t know what to do! I silently yelled. I heard my cell phone from a distance. It was Benny. I answered, all the while trying to hide the howl swelling within my throat.

“My parents know now, Myla.”

A startling, “Huh?” was all I could muster.

“I told them. I was tired of hiding it. They wanna speak to your parents.”

Without saying a word, the tears plummeted to the floor.

“All right.” I hung up, ready to blurt it out without breathing in between. I just wanted my parents to know once and for all so we could put this behind us and move on. I walked into the living room and told them I had some very important information to share with them. They looked at each other with very confused looks on their faces. I took several deep breaths and just let it out.

“I’m pregnant!”

My mom immediately burst into tears. I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I didn’t realize until that moment that I’d rather her yell, scream, holler . . . anything but tears. They were so disappointing, so much more painful; I hated to see my mom so distraught. My dad, on the other hand, just sat . . . enraged! Anger is a huge understatement to describe what I saw in his eyes. He rose slowly off the couch and walked toward me.

“How ungrateful, Myla! How ungrateful! We give you trust, and you can’t handle it. We’re out there working our behinds off to make life so much easier for you than it was for us growing up. This is for you! Everything we do is for you! The long hours, the traveling from state to state . . . We do it all for you!” he screamed. “Who is he?”

“His name is Benny!” I cried.

My dad turned to my mom. She then got up and walked past me to get to her bedroom. I excused myself from the room to call Benny and let him know that I had gotten through the scariest moment ever.

“You think our parents can talk now?” I asked.

“OK. I’ll tell mine it’s time.”

I approached my parents’ bedroom door but took my time as I listened to them express their frustration about the situation. I decided to knock to interrupt what felt like salt being poured into my wound.

“I just talked to Benny. His parents would like to talk to you.”

My father held a very menacing look on his face.

“I want to talk to them too. Face-to-face. And right now!”

I cringed as I told Benny. He relayed the message to his parents, and they agreed. Without hesitation, we headed to Benny’s. It was a very silent ride. I was extremely scared, and I was hoping Benita and her family wouldn’t see us; I was too embarrassed to reveal it to anyone else just yet. We finally arrived at Benny’s house. I totally stalled. I just wasn’t looking forward to any of it. His father opened the door. He seemed like a nice guy. He shook hands with my parents, then turned to ask me how I was doing. I just put my head down and shook it in disappointment.

Benny’s mother walked into the dining area and shook our hands. Puffy, pink eyes revealed that she had been crying; the hoarseness in her voice said she had been doing a little yelling as well. Benny walked out of his room and, to my surprise, seemed to have been crying as well. His father introduced himself.

“We don’t know each other, but we are somewhat forced, because of this situation, to build relationships with each other. I wasn’t expecting a grandchild from Benny so soon, but what’s done is done, and we just have to look forward, not backward.”

“I thank you for your kindness toward us,” my mom interrupted, “but for me, it’s not as easy to accept. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to my grandchild. It’s not the child’s fault, as we already know, but I’m very disappointed with my daughter and although I don’t know your son, my initial feeling toward him was anger. I’m not judging him, and that’s not an easy thing to do—especially with him being a bit older than Myla—but I’m hurt because he, along with my daughter whom I love very much, made an extremely unwise decision.”

She could barely get the last word out before she broke down in tears.

“I just don’t want anyone telling me not to look back! I am going to look back! Let’s be realistic here. Grant it, this situation is going to change both of their lives, but MY child is carrying this baby. It’s MY daughter who has to give birth. Mothers carry huge responsibilities. Not overlooking or underestimating the contribution of great fathers, but I see so many women out there doing it alone. I just ask that your son be a part of this and not leave my daughter to do this alone. I’m not referring to them being in a relationship, but they need to maintain a relationship for the sake of the child.”

My mother was livid. Those big, beautiful brown eyes looked so small and sad. My dad then turned to Benny.

“How did you and my daughter connect?”

Benny’s eyes were glued to my mom; I didn’t even know if he’d heard my dad. He stood and walked over to her.

“I’m sorry to be a part of the reason for this stressful time we’re all experiencing. I take full responsibility for what I’ve done. I was raised to make better decisions, and I’m sure Myla was as well.”

Looking my mom straight in the eye, he said, “I’m really sorry, Mrs. Pickins.” He turned toward my dad.

“Sir, we’ve been knowing each other for three years now. We both wanted to get to know each other better. And that’s how it all started.”

My mom continued to cry, not saying a word. My dad stood up and reached for his keys that were lying on my mom’s lap. He seemed a bit aggravated about something that was said. Maybe it was Benny’s dad’s comment? My dad ended the conversation.

“We won’t hold you much longer tonight. We will keep in touch and definitely make some sense of what we’re experiencing. Let’s go, Deanna.” He walked straightforward without turning.

“Myla!”

I nodded good-bye and followed suit.

Since then, my mom and Benny’s mom talk, like, every other day. My mom would even invite them over to eat with us. I have to say—although I was still nervous about being a young parent—things got a little easier after our parents knew and as we were all trying to build a familial relationship for the baby. I wasn’t sure about what was going on with Benny half of the time, though. Sometimes he seemed excited, yet at other times, he seemed frustrated and shut off. He started going to a lot of parties with his brother. It made me feel uncomfortable because I began feeling I was competing with older girls from his college; they were always flocking around him. So I decided I would talk to him about it. I called him one night when I thought he would be at home getting some sleep for work the next morning, but he was at a party!

“Benny, what are you doing? You need to be at home getting some sleep for work. You don’t need to be out partying all the time!”

He gave off one of his little nonchalant laughs. “I got’cha, li’l mama.”

His indifferent personality wasn’t attractive to me at that moment.

“Don’t talk to me like that! Who are you showing off in front of?”

Once again, I got the nonchalant laugh. “Let me call you when I get in the car. We ’bout to ride out.”

“You goin’ home, right?”

“Maybe,” he said while asking his brother if he was ready to go.

I heard a group of girls laughing in the background. I wasn’t having that. Pregnant or not, they were going to respect me. I hung up on Benny and searched for my mom’s keys. She and my dad were asleep, and I needed to put Benny in check. I also wanted to make sure there weren’t any flirtatious girls trying to be in his face. I slowly eased out of the house. I didn’t plan to be too long because I wasn’t supposed to be driving since I didn’t have a permit or a license. I examined the gears in the car carefully. Although my dad taught me to drive six months prior, I was still learning and making myself comfortable behind the wheel. In my frustration, I picked up the phone.

“Where are you?”

“Down the street from my house at my boy’s house.”

I hung up on him again. That’s all I needed to know. As soon as I entered the neighborhood, I spotted a driveway filled with cars. There were people standing on the outside drinking and laughing. Barely dressed girls were scattered like a flock of hungry birds. I parked on the grass and jumped out of the car, rolling my eyes at everybody. I didn’t speak to anybody. I walked in ready for whatever. As soon as I stormed through the door, I looked to the right and saw Benny.

“Bernard!!”

He looked at me like I were an alien. I could tell he wasn’t expecting me to show up. He quickly told everybody he was about to go. I’m sure he knew he was about to get embarrassed if he didn’t get his mind right. He got in the car without saying a word. Hmmm. I didn’t see his brother. Maybe he was in another part of the house with his girlfriend. I pulled out of the yard and headed down the street to Benny’s house. Trying to hurry before anyone saw us, I got straight to the point.

“Is this how you’re trying to act before your baby is born? Is that the example you want to set? And why you at a party where them dusty girls hangin’ around half-naked?”

Holding his head down and rubbing his hair, I could tell he was getting aggravated.

“Why you acting like that? I ain’t worried about them girls. They invisible to me. I’m just trying to have a good time.”

My blood was boiling. “That’s a sorry excuse, Benny! Our parents are communicating now. You don’t think you could’ve come over to talk to me? That’s not fun to you? Hangin’ out with the mother of your child isn’t fun to you? Huh?”

“Being constantly checked on by your parents like I’m five years old? No! That’s not fun.”

That comment went beyond angry; it hurt my feelings.

“Get out of the car, Benny. I have to get back home.”

“See? That’s what I’m talkin’ about. You be trippin’,” he mumbled as he stepped out.

I pulled off and drove home with pools of water sitting in my eyes. My parents were still asleep when I made it home. I called Benny, but he must have fallen asleep because he didn’t answer. I sent him a text telling him I loved him. That’s something that I couldn’t deny. He was the love of my life.

… Continued…

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by Jamie Jones
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