Philosopher, poet, musician, cook, Sreejit Poole's writing reflects his quest for meaning in an ever changing world. Living in the ashrams of revered saint Mata Amritanandamayi (Amma), for the past 20 years, he has learned the power of service to humanity at the feet of one of the world's great humanitarians. In his most recent work, Of Mind Or Matter, Sreejit takes us on the journey of humility through the knowledge that we all have a purpose greater than ourselves.Of Mind or Matter
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Kindle Free Book Alert for Wednesday, July 25: 360 brand new Freebies in the last 24 hours added to our 4,600+ Free Titles sorted by Category, Date Added, Bestselling or Review Rating! plus … Sreejit Poole’s Of Mind or Matter (Today’s Sponsor – $2.99)
Sean Platt and David Wright’s Post Apocalyptic Serial Thriller Yesterday’s Gone is Our eBook of the Day, Currently Free on Kindle, With 4.3 Stars on 57 Reviews, and Here’s a Free Sample
Here’s the set-up for Sean Platt and David Wright’s Yesterday’s Gone, Currently FREE on Kindle:NOTE: THE FULL SEASON – ALL SIX EPISODES ARE NOW AVAILABLE FOR $5.99
THE POST APOCALYPTIC SERIAL THRILLER BEGINS
On October 15 at 2:15 a.m. everyone on Earth vanished.
Well, almost everyone.
A scattered few woke alone in a world where there are no rules other than survival… at any cost.
A journalist wanders the horrible reality of an empty New York in search of his wife and son.
A serial killer must hunt in a land where prey is now an endangered species.
A mother shields her young daughter from danger, though every breath fills her with terror.
A bullied teen is thrilled to find everyone gone. Until the knock at the door.
A fugitive survives a fiery plane crash. Will he be redeemed, or return to what he’s best at: the kill?
An eight year old boy sets out on a journey to find his missing family. What he finds will change him forever.
And there’s a few people who aren’t surprised that this happened at all. In fact, they’ve been dreaming about this day for years.
These survivors aren’t alone…
Someone or something is watching them.
And waiting…
Strangers unite.
Sides are chosen.
Will humanity survive what it never saw coming?
The only certainty is that Yesterday’s Gone.
You’ve never read anything like Yesterday’s Gone – the epic, groundbreaking, thrilling new series. Look for a new 100 page episode each month.
WARNING: This is a post-apocalyptic horror book where bad people do evil things, and as such, this series features disturbing scenes and foul language. While it is all within the context of the story, some readers may find this content offensive.
**UPDATE: Season Two is now available.
From the reviewers:
I am hooked! And I can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen next! Episode One was a great introduction to the characters and set up for the story. The writing is easy and conversational – perfect for this kind of pure, escapist fiction. I love the idea of a serialized novel for the Kindle! — Tracy O’Connor
OK now I’m hooked. Guess I’ll just have read ALL of them……. Looks like my summer reading is all lined up and ready to go. – Rick
it was hard to put down this book, the writers kept your interest and wanting more and more. I cannot wait for the next one, keep up the good work. Would love to see this series made into a movie…. – “QVCHOLLIC”
What an entertaining story! As a fan of probing psychological thrillers and the unusual, Yesterdays Gone Episode 1 left me completely intrigued. YG is a compelling story with a multitude of characters each dealing with this new reality in their own way. Which may not be so fortunate for some. — “Digi Max”
Visit Amazon’s Sean Platt Page
Sean Platt is “the Digital Writer,” one half of Collective Inkwell publishing imprint, specializing in dark fiction and serialized fiction, and President and co-founder of publishing company Sterling & Stone.
Together with co-author David Wright, the two Inkwell authors have quickly become “Kings of the Serial,” as fathers of the five series: Yesterday’s Gone, WhiteSpace, ForNevermore, Available Darkness, and the Twilight Zone-inspired anthology series, Dark Crossings.
Inspired as much by Stephen King’s serialized story, “The Green Mile,” as well as superbly scripted TV shows, such as LOST, Fringe, The Wire, Mad Men, The Killing, The Walking Dead, Carnivale, and the Battlestar Galactica reboot.
Their first series, Yesterday’s Gone has received over 200 5-Star reviews, and has spent time on Amazon’s list of the Top 100 Best Reviewed Fiction Books.
Platt and Wright have made Tuesdays “the new black,” releasing a new 15,000-24,000 word “episode” of their audience pleasing series each Tuesday. Six episodes make a “season,” which are then compiled for readers who prefer to devour the season all at once (like watching your favorite series on DVD!).
With their weekly release schedule of high quality serialized titles, Collective Inkwell is the HBO, Showtime, or AMC for the Kindle generation.
Sean is also co-founder and President of Sterling & Stone, where he serves as Creative Director, publishes a line of high-quality guides to help good writers make a great living. At Sterling & Stone, Sean also writes and under the pen names “Vincent King,” and Guy Incognito,” and has the first two titles, “The BEAM” and “Connor Kwik: 2042” debuting in early summer 2012.
Platt is a well-respected voice within the writing community who has written hundreds of posts on writing at several of the top writing websites on the web. When not writing thousands of words each day, Sean is one-third of The Self Publishing Podcast with co-hosts Johnny B. Truant and David Wright.
He lives in Ohio with his wife, daughter, and son.
Follow Sean on Twitter: http://twitter.com/seanplatt
Visit Amazon’s David Wright Page
And here, in the comfort of your own browser, is your free sample of Yesterday’s Gone by Sean Platt and David Wright:
Today’s Kindle Daily Deal — Wednesday, July 25 — Two Great Reads for Under $3 — Save 74% on Bounty Hunter Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman’s Inspiring and Revealing Memoir You Can Run But You Can’t Hide, plus … Don’t miss Pardu Ponnapalli’s Just a Bunch of Crazy Ideas (Today’s Sponsor)
But first, a word from … Today’s Sponsor
Just a Bunch of Crazy Ideas
Here’s the set-up:
This book is about thoughts and ideas on a wide range of subjects. The topics include building a space elevator, new approaches to space travel, Star Trek reboot themes, ideas for energy conservation, what to do about our federal debt, modifying the game of chess and others. The following provides a quick overview of the chapters:
Chapter 1 Space Elevator
Chaper 2 Alternative Energies and Energy Conservation
Chapter 3 More Thoughts on Energy Conservation
Chapter 4 Gas Stations and filling up
Chapter 5 Luggage and Airplanes
Chapter 6 Thoughts on Chess
Chapter 7 Thoughts on Ice Hockey
Chapter 8 Thoughts on Cat Litter
Chapter 9 Our National Debt and Defecit
Chapter 10 I am overweight and so are most Americans
Chapter 11 Star Trek and Reboot
Chapter 12 Thoughts about Laptops
Chapter 13 Thoughts about Space Exploration
Chapter 14 Thoughts on the Stock Market
Chapter 15 Automatic Inform Systems for IT Workers
Chapter 16 Hikers who hurt themselves
Chapter 17 How to improve dishwashers
From the reviewers:
“Pardu S. Ponnapalli, an IT specialist with a doctorate in physics, has devised ingenious and potentially world-changing ways to improve things. Many of Ponnapalli’s essays are intellectually challenging, short, well written and entertaining.” — Patty Sutherland, Foreword Clarion Review June 2011
Four Stars (out of Five)
“Ponnapalli’s crazy (impulsive, but fun and thought provoking) ideas cover some timely and popular topics; U.S debt and defecit, overweight, stock market, space exploration, alternative energies, cat litter and more. The book is easy to read.” — Recommended & Reviewed in The Mindquest Review of Books, by Lightword Publishing, August 2011
“The essays were well-written and mostly thought through. Based on his personal experience, they were enlightening and at times, laughable. More importantly, they make the reader take the time to think about our future, ponder on the problems, and look for the solutions we need.” — Teri Davis, BestSellersWorld.com, July, 2011
“Some of my fondest memories of university were those informal gab sessions in the common room. Just a Bunch of Crazy Ideas reminds me of those times.”Just a Bunch of Crazy Ideas presents some good ideas and some not so good ideas. Take them as you will. Laugh at them or be inspired by them.” — Tami Brady, TCM Reviews, July 22, 2011
“The act of brainstorming can result in new ideas and surprising results. The author ends each chapter with the words, “Discuss and enjoy!” That is exactly what the reader of this “bunch of crazy ideas” will do.” — Libby Grandy, The US Review of Books
From the author:
The purpose of this book is to share a bunch of “crazy” ideas. There is no claim that any careful research is done. It is more like a brainstorming session where any idea that comes to mind is presented. That is why you get a wide range of topics , from dealing with cat litter to exploring space.
You may wonder what the value of this is. Maybe the ideas are all not worth much in practical terms. Or perhaps there are some gems and some real bad ones. What’s the sense in me writing about these ideas?
Actually, I was wondering the same thing for many years. I have thought about writing this book for a lot of years , and never went through with it until recently.
I think we all start out when we are young thinking we are going to change the world. Especially in university, when I was studying physics, I had constant discussions with my colleagues about revolutionary ideas. As you get older, you settle down to a regular life that for the most part involves paying bills with the money you earn. Most of our energies start getting devoted to survival. Before you know it , you are wondering about managing retirement and you are left with a sense that somehow life passed you by.
The reason for this transformation from a wild eyed youngster with grand ideas to a well settled mortgage paying robot is fairly plain- most of us are just struggling to get by in life. Few of us have the luxury of picking and choosing what we do for a living. My own entry into the IT field was due to the inability of finding any physics related employment after doing a Ph.D. The job market was poor, and I looked around for a marketable job. I have done fairly well in my chosen profession, but I am constantly haunted by the thought that I was meant for something else. I suspect I have a lot of company in this regard.
It seems to me our sense of intellectual courage also wanes with age and seniority. We may have ideas that we think are worthwhile, but we dismiss them for the usual reasons:
People will think they are stupid (a perennial favorite).
I bet someone has thought of it already (yes, but they might not have voiced it ).
I want to stick to the safe stuff that’s in the realm of my expertise.
It all becomes a tedious cycle. We end up doing something by rote, or maybe finding just a few ideas in our chosen profession that are interesting, and being content to live out our lives without a sense of wonder or exploration.
So this book is my attempt to revive a sense of wonder and speculation.
and now … Today’s Kindle Daily Deal!
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In this inspiring and revealing memoir, Duane “Dog” Chapman recounts his incredible transformation into one of the most successful bounty hunters in American history. With a reawakened faith, Chapman strove against all odds and shook off the chains of gang life, addiction, and wrongful imprisonment to become a respected icon.
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The KND Kindle Chronicles Interview – In the Margins: Cheryl Strayed Walks Her Way to the Wild Rewards of a New Kind of Writer-Reader Collaboration … with Oprah! Len Edgerly Interviews Cheryl Strayed, author of Wild, first selection of Oprah’s Book Club 2.0
By LEN EDGERLY, Contributing Editor
The other day someone asked Cheryl Strayed if she had her best-selling book, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, on the family iPad.
“I didn’t even know that I could,” she confessed in our interview this week. In fact, the author whose memoir convinced Oprah Winfrey to launch a digitally hip Book Club 2.0 has never even read an eBook.
Which doesn’t mean Cheryl has an attitude against digital books. She just gets tired of looking at screens all day and prefers the feel of reading a printed book.
While talking with her, I did not feel provoked or defensive on behalf of eBooks. Instead, I garnered some lessons about transformation from the way she talked about her 1,100-mile hike, her writing, and her wild ride as an Oprah-selected author.
Let’s begin with the hike. Cheryl had not been even a casual hiker before she set out on the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) in 1995 when she was 26 years old, four years after the devastating loss of her mother to lung cancer. Her first set of boots was a size too small, and her pack, which she named Monster, was nearly too heavy for her to lift, never mind to haul up and down mountains from Mojave, California, to the border of Oregon and Washington.
What I learned from her hike is the power of putting one foot in front of the other. Her superbly written account filled that common phrase with unforgettable details, like a toenail turning black before she pulled it off. That happened six times. You’ll be glad to know they all grew back.
“Walking lends itself to metaphor,” Cheryl explained in the interview. “In a literal way, that is how you get from one place to another—you have to do it one step at a time and put one foot in front of the other.”
The word “metaphor” in Greek actually means “to transport.” Cheryl sees what she did in describing her heavy pack, the burden she couldn’t bear, as transporting meaning from one realm to another, from the literal realm of the PCT to the emotional realm in which she tried to bear grief that also seemed unbearable.
It’s a nice turn, and when an author dives all the way into her life, risking judgment or misunderstanding, meaning does in fact get transported, and we feel more in touch with what makes us human.
Step by step; that is how a transformation takes place.
Another lesson I took from Cheryl involves openness to change. I like to think of myself as an early adopter and big thinker, but how about if I’d worked on an extremely personal book for a year and a half and someone said they wanted to select it for their omigod-powerful Book Club, with this little detail: the eBook version would contain margin notes sprinkled through it by the Book Club creator.
“Well, it was a big conversation,” Cheryl replied when I asked her how that idea first struck her. She and her editor at Knopf are book people, who have always considered a book to be something written by an author, so that what you find in the book are the author’s words. Period.
“I thought about it,” Cheryl said, “and really pretty quickly I realized that I thought it would be really cool and interesting.” She had a chance to see Oprah’s notes before they appeared linked to underlined passages of the eBook and did not request any changes.
That openness has served the author well during the whole wild ride of being an Oprah pick. She has replied to readers’ questions in short, eloquent videos online. She has engaged with readers on Twitter. In the process she has realized that, though she wrote the book, it’s the readers who define what the book is in the world.
And so Oprah’s margin notes, along with all the other digital engagement from Book Club 2.0, led this non-eBook-reading author to step with curiosity and open-mindedness into an entirely new experience of what it means to publish a book.
As an indication of how Cheryl’s open attitude rubbed off on an eBook evangelist who sometimes sees traditional publishers as obstacles to the advance of digital reading, I want to say that it pleased me greatly to receive a signed hardcover copy of Wild from Oprah’s social-media-savvy staff in response to some tweeting I did. I won’t read it, but I love having it.
And when Cheryl talked about the inspiration and skilled guidance that she received from her editor at Knopf, I experienced new appreciation for all it takes to bring writing of this quality into the world.
How will we get there, this new place we are going as people who love books and always have?
One step at a time, with an open mind.
That’s what I learned this week from an author who has never read an eBook.
And by the way, when I asked if she might bring a Kindle with her on her next long trip, Cheryl Strayed said maybe, and added, “Maybe I need to hike the Pacific Crest Trail all over again, so we can answer this question for sure.”
Kindle Nation Weekender columnist Len Edgerly blogs at The Kindle Chronicles where you can hear his interview with Cheryl Strayed in its entirety at 24:05 of this week’s Kindle Chronicles episode 207.
Publetariat Dispatch: DoJ Refuses to Modify Apple Antitrust Proposed Settlement
In today’s Publetariat Dispatch, we share a brief excerpt from, and link to, some breaking news on the U.S. Department of Justice’s antitrust suit against Apple.
This post, by Jeff John Roberts, originally appeared on paidContent.org on 7/23/12.
The Justice Department released a document today that characterized criticism by Apple and publishers of a controversial price-fixing settlement as “self-serving” and ill-founded. The Department also pointed to recent ventures by Google and Microsoft as evidence that the e-book market is thriving and that Amazon’s dominant position has been overstated.
The arguments came as a reply to the 868 public comments that were filed in response to a settlement announced in April under which three publishers agreed they would change their pricing policy in accordance with Justice Department demands.
The settlement was imposed after the Justice Department sued Apple and five publishers for allegedly conspiring to wrest pricing power from Amazon. Apple and two of the publishers, Penguin and Macmillan, refused to settle and are fighting the case in court.
The Justice Department document is posted below with key passages underlined. The primary upshot is that the Department is refusing to modify any parts of the settlement agreement despite about 800 comments in opposition to the deal and new political opposition from people like Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY).
In its filing, Justice says it addresses Apple’s objections at length because of “[Apple’s] central role in the events leading to the underlying enforcement action.” It also quotes an incident in which Steve Jobs reportedly told publishers, “the customer pays a little more, but that’s what you want anyway.”
The government goes on to refute Apple’s contention that it is imposing a business model on the industry:
Read the rest of the post on paidContent.org, which includes an embedded copy of the DoJ’s full response. Also see Consumers face long wait for $52 million tied to Apple e-book ‘conspiracy’, by the same author, on the same site.
Critically Acclaimed Author Vera Nazarian’s Epic Hybrid of Fantasy and Romance Lords of Rainbow – 4.7 Stars with 14 out of 14 Rave Reviews
“Lords of Rainbow in particular, a stunning idea, fabulously employed — a book to submerge in!” — Tanith Lee
IN A WORLD WITHOUT COLOR, ILLUMINATED BY A SILVER SUN…
SHE IS WILLING TO FIGHT FOR ONE MAN UNTO DEATH…
ANOTHER IS WILLING TO DIE FOR HER.
Imagine a world without color, illuminated by a gray sun …
An unrequited love…
War… mystery… exultation…
An epic fantasy of unspeakable wonder…
LORDS OF RAINBOW
Imagine a sudden brilliant flash — an artificial orb ignites, filled with peculiar impossible light…
The nature of this light bears no description. It lingers in dreams, inciting an unrequited love for a goddess.
A corrupt city is shaped like a perfect wheel, and is ruled by a sister and brother, Regent and Regentrix, by perverse desires, and by a secret…
A loyal warrior woman swears to serve a mysterious lord. At the same time, an epic invasion is precipitated by a being of utter darkness, who is the one absolute source of black in a monochrome silver world.
And amid all this, flickers an ancient memory of a phenomenon called Rainbow and of those who had once filled the world with an impossible thing called color…
Lords of Rainbow.
Reviews
“In a world devoid of color, the woman warrior Ranhé swears herself to a mysterious nobleman traveling to the exotic city of Tronaelend-Lis, the City of Dreams, where a decadent brother and sister rule as co-regents in the absence of the land’s true ruler. When an evil being representing true Darkness threatens the safety of the colorless world, Ranhé is drawn into a spiritual journey in search of a legendary phenomenon known as Rainbow in an attempt to find a way to defeat the dark. The author of Dreams of the Compass Rose brings to life a unique fantasy world in which lost colors hold the key to salvation. Nazarian’s fluid storytelling and vividly drawn characters make this unusual fantasy a good choice for most libraries.” — Library Journal
“Nazarian creates a unique civilization and populates it with heroic archetypes who stand on their own. Extravagant language reminiscent of Dunsany and even Tolkien adds to the legendary feel. . . . an innovative premise, consistent world-building, and appealing heroes mark this as the work of an emerging talent . . . readers may find themselves heralding a new star of fantasy fiction.” — Romantic Times Book Club
“To read Vera Nazarian’s Lords of Rainbow is to be immersed in a dream, wandering through a wondrous, shifting landscape where the sun shines silver and the world is rendered in an infinite palette of subtle grays, filled with glimpses of sublime loveliness and glorious color.” — Jacqueline Carey, author of KUSHIEL’S DART
“…like all of Vera’s stories—strange, poignant, and exquisite… her novel about a world without color—strange when what she writes is so colorful.” — Marion Zimmer Bradley
“Vividly described in rich prose that entrances like a magic spell, Lords of Rainbow will resonate with readers like the stories of childhood. It is not only prefaced with a lovely and accessible poem, it also reads like poetry. Thus, when taken as fable, there is much in this book to love. For in the end, we find a twisted Cinderella tale where an ugly, common girl can be elevated by noble spirit, and a city can be transformed by magic.” — Stephanie Dray, Strange Horizons
About The Author
Vera Nazarian is a two-time Nebula Award Nominee and member of Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America, a writer and reader with a penchant for moral fables and stories of intense wonder, true love, and intricacy.
She is the author of critically acclaimed novels DREAMS OF THE COMPASS ROSE and LORDS OF RAINBOW, as well as the humorous Jane Austen parodies MANSFIELD PARK AND MUMMIES and NORTHANGER ABBEY AND ANGELS AND DRAGONS.
Her official author website is www.veranazarian.com
(This is a sponsored post.)
Enjoy This Free Excerpt From KND Romance of the Week from Jillian Dodd’s That Boy – 4.6 stars and over 80 Rave Reviews – Laugh, cry & fall in love with That Boy
Last week we announced that Jillian Dodd’s That Boy is our Romance of the Week and the sponsor of thousands of great bargains in the Romance category: over 200 free titles, over 600 quality 99-centers, and thousands more that you can read for free through the Kindle Lending Library if you have Amazon Prime!
Now we’re back to offer our weekly free Romance excerpt, and if you aren’t among those who have downloaded this one already, you’re in for a treat!
There’s Danny. Danny is a golden boy in every way. He has dreamy blue eyes and blonde hair that always looks perfect, even when it’s windblown or been stuck under a football helmet. He’s the boy every girl crushes on. The boy I get into trouble with, the boy I fight with, the hot quarterback no girl can resist, not even me. Being with Danny is like being on an adventure. He has a bright, contagious smile and abs to die for. He’s pretty much irresistible.
Equally crush worthy is Phillip. Adorable, sweet Phillip, who I have known since birth. Phillip has dark hair, a perfect smile, brown eyes, and the sexiest voice I have ever heard. He’s the boy I talk to every night before I go to sleep. The boy who rescues me, the boy who can read my mind, the boy who is always there for me, the boy who tries to keep me out of trouble, the boy who irritatingly keeps getting hotter, and whose strong arms always seem to find their way around me. And when he gives me that grin, I can never say no.
One boy will give me my very first kiss.
One boy will teach me to make out.
One boy will take me to prom.
And finally, one boy will ask me to marry him.
They will both be my best friends.
But only one of them will be the boy I fall in love with.
Only one of them is That Boy.
And here, for your reading pleasure, is our free excerpt:
that boy
By Jillian Dodd
Copyright 2011 by Jillian Dodd
All rights reserved.
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Bandit Publishing
Flower Mound, Texas
Cover and Book Illustrations by Jillian Dodd
To my bandit, my angel, and my very own prince charming,
your support means the world to me.
“Do any human beings ever realize life, while they live it – every, every minute?”
Elizabeth, Our Town
“You arrogant son of a bitch,” I say.
Well, maybe I growl it. It’s hard to say for certain. But I can tell you this. I am fuming, smoke flying out of my ears, mad as I take the engagement ring off my finger, shove it into his hand and march toward the stage. The march to the stage feels like it takes forever, because there are a million thoughts running through my mind.
Did all these people come here because they really thought I’d say yes?
Or did they come for the fireworks of me saying no?
Do they wish us well?
Or hope to see us fail?
I reach the stage and tentatively walk out on it. One of the band members hands me a microphone, and I know I really need to say something to all these people.
I may die of embarrassment.
Actually, I wish it were possible to die of embarrassment, then I could drop dead right now, and I wouldn’t have to do what I am about to do.
Part of me wonders how in the world I got here to begin with.
We have been friends for a really long time and, all of a week ago, decided to have a real relationship.
And well, it has been really incredible.
I mean, he is incredible in ways I hadn’t even imagined!
Okay, so I might have imagined a little.
Anyway, as of about six minutes ago, we were out on a romantic first date.
Then he had to go and blow the whole thing all to hell by asking me tomarryhim.
Can you believe that?
Me neither.
And if it isn’t unbelievable enough that he asked me to marry himon our first date, he was so damned sureI’d say yes, he planned this huge, surprise engagement party.
Tonight. On our first date. Like, right now!
I shudder and mentally prepare myself for what I am about to do.
I have to tell everyone who came here tonight that there is NO WAY I’m going to marry that boy!
Before I say the words, I glance at him, and my mind is transported back to the memory of my first kiss.
It’s where this all began, really.
Phillip was the first boy to ever kiss me. We were swinging sideways on the swings out behind school, when out of the blue, he reached over, grabbed my swing, and kissed me right on the lips. Then he jumped off his swing and ran home. It was one of those perfect sunny afternoons, when school was almost out for the summer. I thought it was the best day of my life.
I was in love.
Phillip must have told someone what he did, because today at school everyone was singing.
Phillip and JJ sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G…
I can’t take it.
I’m being tortured.
Today is the worstest day of my life!
It is such a letdown because yesterday was a GREAT day. I got my first kiss from a boy!
I know it was just Phillip, but still, I was very surprised.
And I was so excited to come to school today, until I got here, and everyone started torturing me with those stupid, stupid songs. Even my friend, Lisa, is singing them.
That traitor.
And very quickly, I went from loving that boy to hating him.
At least that’s what I had to tell all my friends, so they would stop singing those ridiculous songs.
Phillip must have started a trend because later that day, Joey kissed Katie and everyone forgot about Phillip and me.
They had someone new to torture endlessly.
I noticed that Phillip didn’t tease Joey and Katie.
Neither did I.
Phillip Mackenzie lives across the street from me. We have been friends forever.
I mean it. Since birth.
Our dads are fraternity brothers and best friends. Phillip is five months older than me, and our parents think it is just hilarious to show embarrassing photos of us together as babies.
And we are NAKED!
It’s just so gross. I can’t even describe it! Phillip and I want to hide, and usually do, whenever they get out those stupid baby books.
Our parents hope that Phillip and I will get married when we grow up. I totally laugh at that. I have told them so many times that I can’t marry Phillip, because I’m marrying a prince.
I blame my obsession on wanting to marry a prince on Disney and Phillip’s sister, Ashley. Ever since I can remember, our parents have been getting together to play cards on Friday nights. We have pizza, which I love, and I get to play with Phillip. Unfortunately, that also means I have to play with Ashley. Ashley is four years older than Phillip and me and a pain in the rear. (I would say butt, except I’m not supposed to say that b word.)
Speaking of b words, Ashley is very bossy. And she’s always played the Queen. Which means she gave me the choice of being either her servant or her daughter, and who in their right mind would sign up to be her servant?
I told you how bossy she is. It would’ve been unbearable!
So I’ve always played the princess.
Important Things I have learned in my life so far:
-
Always be the princess. Princesses have much more fun and not so much responsibility. Plus you get to marry the prince.
2. Never be the queen. Queens are old and bossy and sometimes even evil. (Remember Snow White?) Queens think they are in charge of everything. Queens are responsible.
3. Responsibility makes you crabby and no fun.
-
When you have the choice, play with a boy. Boys are easy to get along with. They don’t care if your clothes match, or if your hair is a mess. Boys don’t talk behind your back or make up stories about you to try to hurt your feelings. They are too busy playing sports or video games.
-
Always trust your Daddy. Daddies are incredibly smart and handsome, and they always smell very good.
-
Never kiss and tell. You will get tortured by people who you thought were your friends.
7. Never, ever, ever trust Mary Beth Parker.Even if she says she is your best friend.
Last week, Mary Beth Parker told me I could be her best friend. She got me to play with her on the playground and Lisa, who is my best friend, got mad at me. The very next day, Mary Beth Parker told everyone not to play with me.
I didn’t do anything to her. That’s just how she is.
She is very mean.
Phillip was the only person who played with me. He didn’t care what that bossy girl said. He acted like a prince that day.
I told him so and ever since, when it’s just us, he calls me Princess.
And he’s the ONLY person I’d let get away with it!
TODAY IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Really it is!
A new family has moved into our neighborhood, across the empty lot from my house, and across the street from Phillip’s house.
This is most unfortunate.
The parents seem like nice, decent people, but unfortunately they had to bring their stupid, stinky son with them. Why couldn’t they have forgotten to bring him with, or left him on the side of the road somewhere in Missouri? Maybe someone would’ve taken him home, like a lost kitty.
That way, he could’ve ruined SOMEONE ELSE’S life.
Phillip and I have so much fun playing together. We play lots of sports, games, and fun stuff that I make up. Usually, we play some version of the handsome prince coming to rescue the beautiful, royal princess. But it’s not like it’s all girly. Phillip gets to do some really cool boy stuff, like fighting a dragon with a sword, dueling with an evil warlock, climbing the tower. We even play Olympics and have all sorts of sports competitions.
But since that nasty, smelly boy next door came here, Phillip acts like the only fun thing to do is to play with him. Phillip and I are both real good at sports. It’s not like I can’t keep up with him! Honestly, I’m bigger than he is and can actually beat him at almost everything. Except for a flat out running race, he is a bit faster than me.
I’m always the first girl picked when we split into teams at school, but somehow, this evil boy has convinced Phillip that he shouldn’t play with girls.
Today, Phillip and I are minding our own business, playing in the empty lot between Danny’s house and mine.
Did I mention his name?
Danny. Danny Diamond.
Devil Danny is more like it.
I wonder if his parents know how truly awful he is?
Poor people. They really should consider giving that boy up for adoption.
Oh, I hate that boy!
He makes me sooooo mad!!!!!
Anyway, Phillip and I are playing a nice game of Four Squares, which ALL the boys at school like to play, when HE comes walking over.
He thinks HE is SO COOL!
The first day he moved here, he told me how he’s a great quarterback.
I told him to stop bragging. It’s not nice.
But he went, I’m not bragging, I’m just confident in my skills.
Whatever.
I figured the kids at school would hate him, because no one likes a bragger, right? Right?
Wrong!
Because of his bragging, his so called skills, and the way he looks, all the girls at school are in love with him. I mean he does have nice blonde hair that always looks like he just combed it, even when he’s out in the wind. And all the girls have been going on and on about his dreamy blue eyes and his cool attitude.
Personally, I think they’re just bored with the boys we’ve grown up with and would like anyone new.
Although I have to admit, the first time I saw him, I thought he was really cute too.
But that was WAY before I knew him.
He interrupts our game by saying, “Four Squares is a dumb girl game. Wanna play football, Phil?”
It’s not PHIL, you idiot! It’s Phillip. No one calls him that. I’m sure that my Prince Phillip will not let him talk about our game, or me, like that. So I wait for his reply.
“Sounds fun,” Phillip says, “I’ll go grab a football.”
And off he runs.
No bye, Princess.
Nothing.
Has Devil Danny used some kind of evil brain washing on Phillip?
Can he control people’s minds?
Will he suck out Phillip’s soul?
I am so mad that I could scream! But instead, I try to get along and say, “That’s okay, football sounds fun too.”
Danny glares at me, like I’m a piece of poop that he just stepped in. “Girls can’t play football. Why don’t you go home and play with your dolls or something?”
Well that was about all I could take from that boy.
“Danny, you are a stupid, ugly, smelly boy.”
I am so mad at him, but then something terrible happens! As I’m yelling at him, tears start coming out of my eyes. Why is that? I’m not SAD. I’m boiling hot, furiously MAD!
MAD. MAD. MAD. MAD!!!
I continue to yell at him anyway. “And I wish you would just go back to Missouri and DIE!”
What I say doesn’t seem to upset him in any way. He just looks at me with disgust and says, “Girls are such crybabies.”
I turn and run home.
Fast.
I slam the back door, run up the stairs, and slam the door to my room. I throw myself across my bed and cry. Then I move to my window seat, so I can look out the window at those stupid boys playing football, while I cry.
Why do I cry when I get mad?
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am just a crybaby.
Maybe I will just give up and let him steal my best friend from me.
NO WAY.
Never, I think and dry my eyes on my shirt.
Just then, Daddy walks in. I’m sure he heard the doors slamming and is coming to yell at me. He hates it when I slam doors.
I try to hide my crybaby eyes from him.
He looks at me, out the window at the boys, then sits down next to me, and wraps me in a great big hug.
How come a boy can be so stupid, but a Daddy, who actually used to be a BOY himself, can be so wonderful?
“Three’s a crowd, huh?” he asks, nodding out toward the boys.
And smart too!
“Yeah,” I sniffle, “Danny says girls can’t play football. He said I should go play with my dolls. I don’t even play with dolls anymore.”
At least not very often.
“I was so mad at him, Daddy. I tried to tell him how mean and stupid I think he is, but then I started crying, so he called me a crybaby. I swear, Dad, I wasn’t sad, I was MAD. I don’t know how he made me cry. It’s a big mystery to me! Plus, he’s trying to steal my bestest friend in the whole world.”
“Well,” Daddy says, rubbing the stubbly stuff on his chin and thinking.
I love it when he does that. He has the most brilliant ideas!
“I know,” I say, interrupting him, “how ‘bout you go over there and give him a good old fashioned ass whooping?”
Daddy laughs. He knows I have heard Grandpa say the same thing about me.
“Please don’t use bad words like that, okay?”
“Okay.” I reply sheepishly, “But I think it would be a very good idea.”
“I don’t think I could do that, Angel,” he smiles, pauses, and strokes the stubbles some more, “but that doesn’t mean you can’t.”
“You want me to go and beat up Danny?” I’m very surprised at that man.
“No, you silly goose,” he says, ruffling my hair, “but you are very good at sports, and you especially love football. Teach him a lesson. Show him that girls CAN play anything they want. Beat him at his own game. I think it would be good for Danny to lose to a girl.”
He gives me another big hug and walks toward my door.
Then he turns around, grabs my doorway, and says, “You know, it’s okay to have more than ONE best friend.”
Well his advice on boys might be good, but evidently he’s forgotten the Laws of Fifth Grade.
You CAN only have one best friend.
That’s okay though; his memory is probably going bad because he’s getting so old. He is thirty-eight after all.
I hug my knees and watch the boys for a few more minutes, while I get my courage up. I’m gonna show that boy that anything boys can do, girls can do better.
My friend Lisa likes to sing, Girls go to college, to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter, to get more stupider.
I don’t know where she comes up with these funny things, but I love it that she does. Usually they are so good!
In this case though, Danny’s gonna get more knowledge. And I am about to school him. I get up and look in my mirror. Daddy always tells me I am beautiful, but I’m not sure I believe him. Isn’t it required that dads tell their daughters that? Anyway, all I see in the mirror staring back at me is a girl who is way too tall, way too skinny, has gross knobby knees, and some really stupid freckles on her nose.
I look some more.
Well, I suppose my blues eyes are okay, and I do actually like the color of my long blonde hair, but I just can’t see beautiful.
Oh well. I’m going to teach that boy a lesson, and I should definitely look as much like a girl as I can, when I do it. So I take out my ponytail and brush my hair until it shines. Then I put on some Lip Smackers lip-gloss. Lisa gave me this gloss.
She says glossing is as important as flossing. I think my dentist might disagree with that, but gloss does make your lips look kind of pretty.
I run outside and walk right up to those stupid boys. I ignore Danny and say to Phillip, “I want to play football with you guys, okay?”
Phillip shrugs his shoulders. “Sure, I’ll go out for a pass and you can guard me.”
Danny steps between us and says to Phillip, “No way. She’ll just end up getting hurt and go bawling home.” He glares at me. “Girls aren’t tough enough to play football.”
I look that Devil Boy in the eye.
Dad told me to teach him a lesson by playing football, but I can see now what I have to do. I cock my arm back and punch that boy right in the stomach. Then I move in closer and give him a jab to the face. He falls onto his butt in the grass.
What can I say? My Dad and I watch a lot of boxing.
The corner of his lip is bleeding a bit, and he is lying on the grass looking up at me with a shocked look on his face. I expect him to go home and cry to his mommy.
But he surprises me. He wipes his mouth on his shirt and looks at me with new respect.
He is nodding his head slowly up and down at me.
It’s like his brain is transparent, and I can literally see the light bulb going off inside it.
Boys are so clueless.
Finally he says, “You know what? You just might be tough enough to play football.”
I have to say that I think we both learned a lesson today.
He learned that all girls aren’t prissy wimps, and I learned that he just might not be the Devil after all.
The THREE of us have been best friends ever since.
Tonight is Lisa’s fourteenth Birthday Party.
We have been planning it for months, actually for years.
I think we started planning for her first boy/girl birthday party in fourth grade, but this is the first time her parents finally agreed to let her have one.
This is the third one that I’ve been to.
Boy/girl parties that is.
The first one was a little boring, everyone was too scared to do anything fun.
But at the last one, things got a little more interesting. We played Spin the Bottle and Seven Minutes in Heaven. I got stuck in the closet with Andrew Martin.
Gross.
I wouldn’t let him get near enough to breathe on me, let alone anything else!
I’m hoping at this party, I will end up in the closet with Billy Prescott. He is way cute.
Lisa assures me that she has the drawing, of one boy and one girl’s name out of a hat, all rigged in my favor.
She lies.
I end up in the closet with Neil.
Right before we have to go in the closet, Neil runs over and breaks up with Mary Beth Parker.
Tacky. Very tacky.
Phillip told me that Neil has a crush on me. I let him kiss me, mostly because I haven’t liked Mary Beth Parker since fourth grade, when she told everyone not to play with me.
When we came out, Neil had a huge grin on his face.
That’s when things got all dramatic.
Mary Beth was very mad at me.
She was all huffy and saying bad things about me.
Of course, she changed her tune as soon as she got sent into the closet with Phillip.
Then she thought she was my new best friend.
God, I hope he didn’t kiss her!
Later on, I had to play spin the bottle.
Yes, I had to.
Lisa made me.
She said I would ruin her party if I didn’t.
I didn’t need that hanging over my head, so I agreed to play.
See. Had to.
Plus, since there were only seven kids left at the party, one of them being Billy Prescott, I figured the odds were in my favor that I still might get to kiss him.
Lisa turns off the light and puts down a bottle. Everyone gets positioned on the floor in a circle.
Neil is trying to strategically place himself across from me.
We go through four spins of the bottle, without it landing on me.
Boohoo!
Then it’s Phillip’s turn. He spins, and the neck of the bottle points directly between Mary Beth Parker and Me!
I kid you not.
Mary Beth looks all excited.
I feel sorry for the poor guy. It’s like he has to choose between Heaven and Hell. And Hell (Mary Beth) will get really mad and make your life miserable if you don’t pick her.
Phillip looks at her and then at me. Then he takes the neck of the bottle and moves it, so it points straight at me.
Really!
Both Neil and Mary Beth are looking pissed at Phillip, but he doesn’t seem to care.
He grins, then crooks his index finger at me, motioning for me to come and get him.
I was going to shake my head no, but his grin gets me every time. I can’t resist him, plus I kinda want to kiss him. So I crawl across the center of the circle. It’s like his eyes are the light at the end of a tunnel, and all I can see is him.
I’m still not sure what happened, what Phillip did, or how he did it so fast. But next thing I know, I am lying on my back across the center of the circle, with Phillip lying on TOP of me, kissing me.
The boys are hooting and hollering, but it barely registers because Phillip keeps kissing me. I’m having a hard time processing anything other than, Phillip is a really good kisser, and he is LAYING on TOP of me.
Around us, everyone gasps and jumps up.
I think this is exactly what Phillip hoped would happen.
I am slightly dazed though, so I can’t be sure.
Once everyone scatters, he stops kissing me, pulls me up onto my feet, and flashes me that adorable grin.
And I can’t help but fall a little in love with him.
“So are you secretly in love with me, or were you just trying to break up the game so you wouldn’t have to kiss Mary Beth,” I whisper.
“Oh, I am definitely in love with you,” he replies, with a big smile on his face, as he sees Mary Beth storming out of the party.
“Liar,” I say.
Every summer, Phillip’s dad sets up a tent in their back yard. But it’s so hot already in May that the boys talked him into setting it up this weekend, so they can camp out. I’ve spent many a night in that tent with the boys, but my parents have decided this year that I’m too old to camp with them.
It’s stupid, really.
It’s not like I like them.
I mean we’re together a lot, and let’s face it, if I really wanted to do anything with them, I could just do it any old time.
But since we are only friends, nothing happens.
I tried explaining this to Mom and Dad, but they got all freaked out when I told them that if I wanted to do something with one of the boys, I could do it any old time, and I nearly got grounded.
Fortunately, I haven’t been banned from the tent entirely. I still get to go over there, but I have to come home to sleep. Which really makes no sense either, because a lot could happen before I come home, but whatever. I mean all we usually do is eat, play cards, and talk.
I know that I’m growing up, but I don’t really feel all that different. I’m a lot taller than I used to be. I’m 5’10”, which seems a bit excessive to me, and it really sucks because there are only two boys in my grade taller than me. So if I want to go out with a boy who is taller than me, my choices are very limited.
My mom is 5’9”, and she says she loves being tall and not to worry; the boys will catch up in a few years. She is also constantly telling me to stand up straight.
It drives me nuts.
The talks the boys and I have in the tent are much different from the ones I have with my friends, Lisa and Katie. I swear, growing up is all they have talked about for the last three years.
Who got their boobs first?
Not me.
Who got their period first?
Again, not me.
Who got kissed on the lips first?
Well that would have been me, but now that we are older, a silly playground kiss doesn’t count.
So that one, is also not me.
They are totally obsessed with boys and are so excited about going to high school next year because they think that place is just full of boys dying to date them.
Lisa has been counting down the days until we are fifteen and old enough to go out on real dates. (131 for Lisa, 215 for Katie, and 321 for me, at last count.) The countdown is kind of silly to me, I mean, do they think they will turn fifteen and all of a sudden boys will be standing in line to ask them out?
What if no one does?
I haven’t pointed that out to them and probably won’t.
They would get all huffy at me.
As if I don’t have enough to worry about, eighth grade graduation is coming up. It’s a big deal around here. We have a graduation ceremony and parties and everything. Normally, this is something I would be very excited about. I love parties, but my mom is trying to ruin my life.
I swear!
She said I have to wear a dress. I know I’m kind of a tomboy and love sports, but I don’t mind wearing dresses. It’s just I find they’re not usually very comfortable. Then there’s the whole worrying about your underwear showing issue. So anyway, the problem isn’t really that I have to wear a dress; it’s the type of dress she wanted me to wear. Everything she picked was soooo pink! And she kept dragging me to the store and making me try these things on.
I swear, I think Lisa and I were switched at birth. She may very well be my mother’s real daughter. They both love to shop and go, Ooh! Isn’t that just dar-ling, to anything with rhinestones, fringe, sequins, or leopard.
Last time we went shopping, they made me try on a dress that was a combination of hot pink and leopard.
I’m pretty positive I saw that once in the Fashion Don’ts that Katie is always reading.
I swear, they want me to look like a hooker.
I told Mom that.
And evidently, that’s when she decided that she is very frustrated with me.
Dad told me this, and when I was like, I know the feeling, even he got testy with me.
After our last shopping trip, she told him she has given up.
And that’s saying a lot, because this woman loves to shop.
Dad tried to intervene and asked me at dinner a couple nights ago, “JJ, have you seen any dresses you’ve liked, anywhere?”
“Not really.” I shrugged and took a bite of my chicken.
“Why don’t I take you shopping tomorrow night? And if we find a dress, I’ll take you to Johnny’s for pizza.”
I was really amazed by this development, because Dad has told me for years that he is allergic to shopping. Advil must help his shopping allergies because he took three before we left the house.
Surprisingly, Dad and I did find something for me to wear to graduation. First, we went to the juniors section at a department store Katie recommended. I tried on a bunch of dresses, but Dad vetoed them all as too sexy, so we continued our search. I kinda liked the black one he thought was wayyyy too sexy, but I was hungry, so I didn’t argue. Katie also told me to try the Gap, so we did, and I really need to thank that girl because that was very helpful advice. I found a pretty eyelet skirt and a really cute top. During our whole shopping trip, Dad only held his head in his hands and muttered things to himself twice, so it was a good experience for him too, I think.
And now, I am actually excited for graduation.
Right now I’m getting some snacks together to take out to the tent.
“Phillip, come help me!” I yell across the street, as I struggle to carry everything.
Phillip runs over and grabs two grocery sacks full of candy and snacks from my arms. I’m left with just the big bowl of warm, buttered popcorn. As I’m following Phillip across the street, Danny comes out of his garage carrying a cooler.
“Why do you look so sneaky?” I ask him, as we meet up in the street.
Danny looks just like he did the night we decorated the Mackenzies’ trees with Ashley’s underwear. At first, Ashley, who was sixteen at the time, laughed like she didn’t care, but that was before she realized Phillip had sent a heads up email to everyone in her address book. She was completely horrified when all her friends, boys included, started driving by her house and honking at her lacy bras and panties.
Danny’s got something up his sleeve, I can tell.
“I’ll tell you later; just act normal in case my parents are watching.”
Later, after we’d eaten most of the snacks and are playing cards, Danny opens the cooler and says, “How bout we have some fun tonight?” Then he pulls three cans of beer out from underneath the pop.
Phillip, who I figured would tell us exactly what a bad idea this is because he tends to be the most conservative of the three of us, says, to my surprise, “Hell, yeah.”
So of course, I say, “Sounds awesome.”
We open our beers and Danny cheers, “Here’s to the good life.”
I’m pretty sure he heard that on a commercial.
We drink up. A few hours and few beers later, we’re basically drunk. Good thing our parents are already in bed.
See. I told you things could happen out here before bedtime.
The boys and I talk about who likes who and who doesn’t like who, all the gossip. We don’t know the answers to these questions, but we talk and laugh anyway. Then we share the last beer.
Actually, I was smart and only pretended to drink from it.
We are laughing and laughing when the boys start telling me about how they wake up in the morning with hard, you know whats. So I say, well that’s nothing, and proceed to tell them in gory detail all about a period.
I ask them why they are so obsessed with girls who have big boobs, and they want to know why girls only like guys taller than them.
Later that night, Danny and Phillip puked their guts out.
I earned honors because I didn’t.
Of course, I felt terrible the next day, but I will never admit it.
Three days until my first real date. I am so excited!
I am also a paranoid, nervous wreck.
I like this boy so much! His name is Ryan. Ryan Marshall.
Ryan is so good looking, and he’s a SENIOR! He reminds Katie and me of Jake, from the movie, Sixteen Candles. I know, it’s an old movie and the clothes are weird, but it’s still funny and romantic and is worth watching just to lust after Jake. Lisa, Katie, and I all rank Jake in the Top 25 on our lists of All Time Movie Hotties.
So how does this sound?
JJ Marshall.
Jadyn Marshall.
Jadyn James Reynolds-Marshall.
Mrs. Ryan Marshall.
Doesn’t that just roll off your tongue?
Speaking of tongues, they are the main reason I’m a nervous wreck. Ryan is a senior, and well, sadly, I’m not all that experienced with boys. I mean, I’m a freshman and have been to dances with boys my age and even have gone out with boys, but I’ve never really kissed them. Not like I hope to kiss Ryan anyway.
Bobby Robinson did shove his tongue into my mouth one time, when we were kissing under the bleachers at a football game, but it didn’t feel so good. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it exactly right.
So I talked to my friends, Katie and Lisa, about how to properly make out.
But, well, here is just a bit of their unhelpful advice.
Just let him take the lead, do whatever he does.
Um, couldn’t that get me into a lot of trouble?
Just sort of kiss his tongue, but try not to drool.
Don’t open your mouth too wide.
And then, Just open your mouth wide.
See?
Stupid, conflicting information.
And this from girls who supposedly know how to do this!
I feel like I’m an undercover CIA agent trying to wrestle vital information out of a ruthless double agent, and the fate of the free world depends upon it. All the while, the President is yelling at me in a panic, saying, Somebody! Anybody! Just get me the truth!
You know, this is really the kind of stuff that it would be helpful to learn in health class. Much more useful information than knowing how a fallopian tube works or what kinds of cancer I can fight by adding fiber to my diet.
I mean, this date is of EPIC proportions.
He’s a senior for God’s sake!
My high school reputation could be ruined or made in one single night.
I don’t want to be known as a terrible kisser!
Or worse! Totally inexperienced!
I’ve got to do something.
Get me somebody, anybody!
I need someone who has experience and, most importantly, who will help me.
I glance out my window and see Danny’s bedroom light is on.
Ch-Ching.
Danny has experience, and I’m too desperate to be embarrassed.
So I call him. “Danny, are your parents home?”
“No, they went to that parents’ meeting at school with yours.”
Yay!
“Good. I’m coming over. And you’re, like, totally alone? Phillip isn’t there, is he?”
“No, I’m totally alone. What’s up, Jay?”
“Um, I just really, really need your help with something. Be right there.”
I slam down the phone, run out of my house and over to his. I barge in the front door and take the stairs two at a time up to his bedroom. He’s sitting on his bed with a varsity football playbook spread out in front of him. I can tell by the intense look on his face, he has been studying hard. Danny’s goal is to be the best high school quarterback in the state and then play for the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Let’s just say, he is well on his way to achieving his goals.
“Hey, Jay,” he says, straightening up, “what’s the top secret meeting all about?”
Maybe this was a bad idea.
No. You’ve got to find this stuff out.
It’s vital to our country’s well-being!
Okay, that’s a bit dramatic, but it is vital to my well-being.
I pace the length of his room a couple of times, wringing my hands together, trying to get my nerve up.
“Okay, here it is. I need your help, and well, I’m kind of embarrassed to say it, but here goes. I have that date with Ryan on Saturday, and I’m afraid I won’t know what to do. I mean I’ve never done it before, and I’m not exactly sure how. I don’t even know if he’ll want to do it with me, but I’m hoping that he will and well, I want to, you know, be prepared. So I need you to help me, Danny. Will you show me what to do?”
Danny stares at me in disbelief.
“This is a joke, right?” He laughs, gets off the bed, and looks down the hall. “Where’s Phillip hiding?”
“No, Danny, I’m serious. I mean if you can’t show me, could you at least tell me if I know how to do it right?”
“Let me get this right, Jay. You want me to show you how to have sex?” He has a huge goofball grin on his face. “Wow. Well, I suppose that could be arrang….”
“WAIT! WHAT??!! Sex! Danny, what are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about, Jay? You’re the one who said you’ve never done it and that you want me to show you.”
“I never said that!” Well, wait a minute, maybe I sorta did. “I mean if I did say it, it’s not what I meant.”
Now he’s staring at me like I’m psycho.
Probably, I am.
“Shit, Danny, the truth is, I’ve never really made out.” There, I said it. “And I really, really, need to know how to do it right. I can’t seem to get reliable information from my friends, I can’t ask my parents, Ashley’s at college, so you’re my only hope,” I whine.
He continues the stone-faced look at me.
“I thought you made out with Bobby?”
“Yeah, I did, and it was awful. AND I DON’T WANNA BE AWFUL!!!!”
Then I change directions in my thinking, trying to figure out a way to get him to teach me. So I say with a challenge, “Hmm, well maybe you can’t do it. That’s okay, I’ll just go ask Phillip for help.”
“Hell, no,” he growls. “He has about as much experience in that department as you do. Fine. I’ll help you.” He puts his hand up to his chin, thinking. “Hmmm. Come sit down.”
I sit cross-legged on his bed, facing him.
“Here. Take this.” He throws his pillow at me.
Ooh. Yum. It smells just like him.
But, uh, excuse me. I’ve already tried practicing on my pillow, and it was NO help!
“No, that won’t work.” He quickly snatches the musky thing away from me. “Too big. I know, hold your hand up to your face,” he orders. “Kiss it.”
I look at him like he’s nuts, but he nods his head yes, so I hold my palm up in front of my face and push my lips into it.
“Turn sideways a bit, so I can see better,” he bosses, so I turn. “Okay, but your puckering is way too tight. You’re not kissing your grandma, Jay.”
“No, worse,” I gripe, “I’m kissing my hand.”
He glares at me. I think I had better just do as he says.
“Just loosen your lips. Try again.”
This time I pucker my lips, but then try to make them loose. I glance over at him, my eyebrows raised in hope.
“Alright, now slightly open your mouth.”
I try to slightly open my mouth. “This feels ridiculous.”
“Hmm, is this really that important to you?”
“Uh, ye-ah. He’s a senior! My entire reputation is at stake here.”
“Hmm, well okay then.” He jumps off his bed, shuts and locks his door, and turns off the light. There’s plenty of light coming through his window from the streetlight, so I can still see him. But I must appear slightly alarmed, because he says, “Look, I just don’t want anyone walking in on this.”
He looks at me like he’s a soldier being sent off to war, and I should be proud of his bravery and selflessness.
Actually, I am.
“Plus, you need to relax. Maybe in the dark you won’t feel so stupid.” He plops back down on his bed next to me and continues, “Tilt your head slightly to the left.”
I tilt my head.
“Lick your lips, so they’re not all dry.”
I lick.
“Stop smiling and close your eyes.”
I close them.
“Come on, Jay, I shouldn’t have to tell you everything! Pucker those lips.”
I pucker.
“No! Not so tight.”
Then he touches my bottom lip with his finger, and I nearly jump off the bed, my eyes flying wide open as he’s yelling at me, “LESSON NUMBER ONE! DON’T DO THAT! You scared the shit out of me. You have GOT to relax!”
Then he reaches out and puts his hands on both of my shoulders, feels that they are, in fact, extremely tense. “God, you’re way tense!”
Puleeze, how could I not be?
I mean doesn’t this whole effed up situation require some tension on my part?
“Sorry.” I breathe deep and shake my shoulders, but it doesn’t help. I am still WAY tense.
Danny’s hands are still on my shoulders, and he starts rubbing them.
I can’t help but melt….I mean, uh, relax.
“I know, let’s try some positive visualization. Close your eyes again.” Then he speaks slowly in a hypnotic tone. “Alright, picture yourself at the movies with Ryan. So it’s dark, the movie is playing…”
“Wait! What are we seeing?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Uh, yeah. If you want me to visualize, I need the whole picture.”
“Fine then, something scary, so you’ll want to hang onto him.”
“Okay.” I nod and smile. “That sounds good.”
“So at the scary movie, he puts his arm around your shoulder.” Danny moves to my side and puts his arm around my shoulder. “You turn your face toward him and look into his eyes.” I turn my face toward Danny. “He smiles and leans in to kiss you.” Danny pushes my hand up to my face, pressing my lips into my hand.
I like this visualization stuff. I pretend my hand is Ryan and start to give it a good kiss, but then I think about how ridiculous I must look and start laughing again.
Danny does a big huffy breath at me and shoves my hand away from my mouth. “Stop laughing.”
I keep my eyes shut tight and bite my lip while Danny continues in the hypnotic voice, “Okay, I’m going to touch your lip, and I want you to open your mouth a bit.”
I giggle again.
I can’t help it! I really can’t!
“Oh, screw it,” he says.
I open my eyes and watch him shake his head at me. “This is just too hard to explain.”
I am ready to scream, I’ll stop laughing, please, please, please don’t give up on me, when he pulls me toward him and covers my mouth with his.
Oh. My. Gosh.
He’s kissing me!
Danny is kissing me!!
And wow, practical knowledge. This is even better!
He kisses me with soft lips and a slightly opened mouth.
Oh.
He is a good kisser.
I kiss him back.
Then he taps my hand impatiently.
I take it I’m supposed to do something.
Why am I here again?
Oh yeah, the tongue thing.
I cautiously stick my tongue out, and somehow he grabs the bottom of it with his tongue and sort of sucks on it.
Oh, my, that’s nice.
He taps me again.
I stop for a second because I’m not real sure what to do. But then Danny puts his tongue into my mouth, so I try to mimic what he did to me…..and hey, it works!
I think I’m kind of getting the hang of this.
And, WOW! It feels really good.
Obviously this is the right way to do it. I knew Bobby Robinson didn’t have a clue.
Danny and I practiced for a little while.
I never knew learning could be so much fun!
All of a sudden, I hear something.
But it’s hard to be concerned about a stupid random noise when Danny is lying on top of me, kissing me, one hand tangled in my hair, the other hand up my shirt.
But then I hear something else, and my brain awakens.
I tear my lips away from Danny and turn my head. Danny kisses down the side of my neck, while I peek over at the clock next to his bed.
The clock says 9:30. 9:30?
Wait. What?
9:30?
9:30???!!!!
That can’t be right!
When I left home it was 7:30!
Could I have been making out with Danny for two whole hours?
Shit!!!!!!!!!
Are Danny’s parents home?
Danny and I both hear the next noise. Danny’s mom is calling out, “Danny!”
And I swear to God, she must have literally apparated from the garage, because in less than an instant, she is at his door trying to open it.
But it’s locked.
She tries the handle again and says, “Danny, may I come in?”
Danny says, “Sure, Mom, just a sec.”
He seems way too cool about this. He gives me his Devil Danny grin, along with a last deep kiss, and jumps off the bed.
Only problem is, my leg is still wrapped around his, and he sorta tumbles out of the bed instead.
And I don’t know why, maybe I am slightly high from kissing him, but I find this quite funny and can’t help but giggle.
Danny grins back at me, as he’s picking himself up off the floor.
Well, he’s grinning until his mom hears my giggling and says madly, “Danny Diamond, unlock the door this instant. Who is in there with you?” Because Danny is not supposed to have girls over when his parents aren’t home.
Shit. Shit.
Well, double shit.
We stare at each other for a second.
Crap. This is gonna look bad.
I’ve got to think of something quick.
Work, brain, work!
I see Danny’s binoculars on the floor, half hidden beneath a sock, and I grab them. Then I spy his little telescope on a shelf next to an old Punt, Pass, and Kick trophy. I jump up quick and sweep it onto his bed.
All this, while he walks over to the door and unlocks it.
I am amazing and brilliant, I think.
Especially considering the fact that for the last two hours, my brain has been nothing but mush.
Danny’s mom bursts into the room.
She sees me sitting on his bed and grimaces, like she’d walked in on us naked.
She seems kinda angry, as she turns to Danny and says, “What’s going on? Why are you and JJ in here with the door locked and the lights off?”
Although her voice is stern, there’s a slight panic in it. I can only imagine what she thinks we were doing.
I mean she could be partially right. But what was going on was, you know, only for academical (I’m not sure if that’s a real word or not) purposes.
REALLY!
However, I don’t think we could explain it that way.
Danny stands there. I know he is thinking, BUSTED! I can tell he hasn’t come up with a plausible excuse, and I certainly can’t let him get into trouble.
He was only helping out his friend.
And he was really, really, really helpful.
So I lie easily. “We were just spying on Phillip, Mrs. D.” I hold up the binoculars innocently and point across the street toward Phillip’s window. Thank God, Phillip is sitting at his desk doing something on his computer.
She walks to the window and looks over at Phillip.
I give Danny a hopeful glance.
He winks back at me.
“Okay, so why was the door locked?”
“Um, well,” I lie some more, “so no one came in and blew our cover. You can see how the hall light just lit this room up.” I sweep my arms out into a circle. I’m kind of getting into this.
Danny and I even duck when Phillip glances, seemingly on cue, our way. I knew Phillip could read my mind because I have been sending him telepathic messages to do just that!
Only I hope he wasn’t reading my mind earlier. I’m not sure I would want him to know the things I might have been thinking about Danny.
Uh, yeah.
“He keeps looking over here. He might know it’s us.” Danny whispers, like he’s afraid Phillip can hear us. “We’ve been sending him secret admirer Instant Messages.”
I go further with Danny’s lie, laugh and say, “It’s been pretty hilarious, because he’s been trying to juggle between our messages and his girlfriend’s.”
But then I glance at Danny’s computer and suddenly realize it is not even turned on.
Shit!
I need to come up with something good to get her out of here fast!
Oh. I’ve got it. “We also caught him perusing some fairlyentertainingwebsites.”
I don’t say, As, in porn, but the way I have my eyebrows raised and a big grin on my face, I’m pretty sure she gets my drift, because all of a sudden her face goes white and she looks embarrassed.
Apparently this was way too much information.
“Fine,” she says. “I’ll leave the lights off, but the door stays open.” Thankfully, she goes back downstairs. Probably straight to the phone to call Mrs. Mac and get Phillip in trouble.
“Thanks,” Danny says, blowing out a big breath of air. “I couldn’t come up with a good excuse. My mind was just blank.”
“Well, you caught up quick. The ducking was brilliant.”
“What can I say?” Danny high fives me. “We’re a good team.”
A good kissing team is what I’m thinking, but I doubt that’s what he’s referring to.
“Um, I suppose I better get home. I uh, didn’t leave a note or anything. I mean, I, uh, didn’t expect this to take so long.”
Funny, I didn’t feel at all embarrassed when we were making out, but I feel a little awkward now. Part of me wants to run and hide, the other part of me wants to lock the world away, so I can kiss him some more.
You know, for practice’s sake only!
“Come on, I’ll walk you home,” Danny says, not the least bit awkwardly.
I follow him down the stairs and out the door.
“Uh, thanks for that and everything. I, um,” I stutter and wring my hands. “Danny, do you think I did okay? I mean, will I do alright on my date?”
“You know, I don’t think so, Jay.” He shakes his head and hangs it in apparent sorrow.
I look shocked at that boy.
Then he continues with a sly grin, “It may take many more long, grueling hours of practice for you to get it right. But,” he raises his hand to his heart, “I can tell you’re committed to learning, so I’ll just have to take one for the team and give you some more private lessons.”
I stare at that goofy boy.
“You know what they say, practice makes perfect. Let’s see, how about every day after school?”
“Um, you have football practice,” I reply with a DUH in my voice.
“Damn,” he says, moving his arm in an ‘aw shucks’ fashion and snapping his fingers. “But hey, you know, anything for a friend.”
“Danny, you are so noble, but I think you’d better go to practice. You can’t play for the Huskers someday if you don’t.”
I look him in those beautiful blue eyes. It’s almost too bad I kept my eyes closed while I was kissing him. “Seriously though, thank you. I wa